What if I just jumped in?

Yesterday at MOMSnext (think MOPS but for moms with school aged kids) the speaker posed a couple of questions.  These questions have been gnawing at me anyway but hearing them verbalized quickened the nudging in my own soul.  She asked, What is it that God is calling you to dive into?  You know what it is because it has already been nagging at your brain. What is the voice in your head saying that is preventing you from stepping out into that calling?

I had planned on either not answering or keeping it shallow.  Several ladies that I work with are in my MOMSnext group and I didn't really want to bare my soul in front of coworkers.  But if you know me at all, you know that if you directly ask me a question, I will give you a direct answer.  I don't lie well and I really don't see the point of lying anyway.  I tend to be far more of an open book than is probably beneficial.  So I answered the questions when my coworker looked me in the eye and said, "So what about you Dawn?  What is God doing in your life, how is He moving and how is He asking you to plunge all in?"  And here is the truth about what is going on in my heart.

What is God asking me to plunge in to?  I'm supposed to write.  And over the last year I have been feeling a nagging at my soul that the writing is supposed to turn into speaking at some point. When I came to my current job, I felt very strongly that the Lord was telling me that it is a place where He will grow me and stretch me, that it is to be a training ground for wherever He takes me next.  I don't want to stretch and grow.  Growing hurts.  God and I have been battling that out for a while now. 

What is the voice in my head that is keeping me from doing what God is calling me to?  No one wants to hear my story, no one wants to listen to what I have to say.  That is the voice in my head.

And then there is the fear of the ripple effect of how this will impact the lives of my family outside of Hubby and the kids.  My in-laws are the most private people on the planet and I'm pretty sure that as much as they love me, they think I share WAAAAAAAAY too much.  My parents, well that is its own complicated drama.  I also want to find the boundary of while telling my story, protecting other people's stories.  Other stories play into my story and I want to find a way to be true to myself without crossing over into a realm of gossip and divulging things that are not my place to divulge.

I'd rather follow God's leading in a small and safe area than step out in faith.  I'd rather write on a blog that I don't advertise that each post gets between 5-15 views.  I'd rather not speak at all.  What if God leads me big and I totally blow it?  What if I cause more than a ripple effect in my family and instead of ripple circles, huge tsunami wave wash over us and leave a wake of devastation?

I'm terrified to take that step. I love to write, it ignites my soul, and I have no earthly clue what I would do if more than a couple of dozen people were to see something that I wrote.  I have no college degree.  I'm sure my writing would drive more than a couple of grammar snobs or editors completely bonkers.  It isn't perfect, neither am I.  What if being imperfect is not really what people want to see?

recovery or recovering

Today I feel like I am "doing recovery" rather than recovering.  I think you have to have experienced recovery in some form for that to fully make sense.  I am tired.  But I'm tired because I'm depressed not because I haven't gotten enough sleep.

Yesterday, once again, I begged God to heal me.  I promised Him the world, just make this heaviness go away.  PLEASE!  Instead He filled my ride to work with songs about trusting God even through the pain, songs about how His love doesn't fail us even through the dark times, songs of reassurance but no songs of healing.

So once again, with a heavy heart, I am asked to trust what I cannot feel.  And I do.  And I will.  Even if the heaviness never leaves, He is God and He is good.

I saw this on Facebook last week.  I have to share it because it is true.

Yeah, I really am glad.  I'm glad you're here still.  I'm even glad I'm here still.  Keep pressing on.  Keep hanging on.  Keep doing recovery even when you feel like you are doing recovery not recovering.  Keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Keep doing the next right thing.  And next year we can all gather around each other and be glad that we are still here.