What I learned from helping my son

My baby has been struggling.  For several months he has randomly started crying and telling me he is sad. Recently it is becoming more and more frequent.  He never knows why he is sad or what is causing him to go from laughing to crying in a matter of minutes.  As the girl who did deal with childhood depression, I worry.  The other day he climbed in my lap, stroked my hair and said, "Mamma, I'm just sad."

I have no answers or cures for him.  But I happen to be struggling with the same thing currently so I hugged him tightly and told him that I get sad for no reason sometimes too.  I grabbed my Bible that I had been reading before he came in and read Philippians 4:4-8 to him.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!

We can choose to have joy.

Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.

God is near us, Baby.

Do not be anxious about anything, 

That means we aren't supposed to worry.

but in everything, by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, present your request to God.

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding

will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

That means that God gives us peace in our hearts that is bigger than our brains can understand.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely

 whatever is admirable

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy

think on these things.

Baby, that means that God wants us to spend our time thinking about the things 

in our lives that we are thankful for, for the blessings He gives us, and every good thing.

Tell me something you are thankful for, something that makes you smile.  "I don't know, Mamma.  I can't think of anything."  Well, I can tell you something  that makes me smile.  You make me smile.  I'm thankful for you.  Now it is your turn.

You.

Coffee in my Christmas mug.

My monkeys.

That our heater works.

Playing with my friends at recess.

Hugs and kisses.

Brothers.

The conversation continued for several minutes.  And then his sweet voice says, "Mamma, I still feel sad."  I know, Baby.  We will still get sad sometimes.  What we need to do is hold on to those things we are thankful for, those things that make us smile, until  the sadness passes.  And at some point the sadness will pass.  Hold on to those good things until the sadness passes. 

I don't know how long it will be until my sadness passes, but I will continue to greet the day with intentional thankfulness until the sadness passes.  I will continue to hold on to the things that are true, noble, worthy of praise and trust that God is indeed near and that He will indeed guard my heart and mind with His peace. 

God in the ordinary

Yesterday at church, Pastor passed the microphone around for anyone to say what they are thankful for.  Person after person stood up and told tales of how God had moved mightily.  I never talk when they pass the microphone, but yesterday the tug at my soul was far too great.  I still wasn't going to speak but the microphone got handed right next to my head and I suddenly was reaching for it.

"I have nothing profound to say." I heard the strange echo of my own voice being broadcast to each person in the sanctuary.  "I am just thankful that I am at church with my whole family.  We've been battling the crud and missed the last five weeks of church while we each passed sickness to the next. I'm thankful today that my family is healthy enough, finally, that we could come to church today!"

I sat with the sick feeling in my stomach that comes when I talk in front of large groups.  But I didn't regret standing.  On the way home, I told Hubby I don't usually talk when they give the opportunity.  He said he was glad that I did this time.  And as I talked to him I knew exactly why I felt so drawn to share.

I was thankful for something small.  I was thankful for the fact that God showed up in an ordinary way in my life.  In comparison to the stories of miracles upon miracles, it was not worth celebrating.  But see that is the reason that I needed to celebrate.  Is it possible that we often miss God because we are looking for the wonderous not the ordinary?  Do we too often look over the ways that God says "I love you, Child" because we haven't seen glory surrounding it? 

I'm thankful for stories of brain surgeries that were successful against the odds.  I'm thankful for stories of job transfers that brought the person to a place where the owner had been praying for a godly man to fill the position and God directed both parties to each other.  I'm thankful for the prodigals who renewed relationships with their families and for the family finally able to adopt their special needs child after a long and hard road.  Those are amazing stories and well worth celebrating. 

But so are the little stories.  The stories that say my family is finally over thier colds, that someone who feels overwhelmed was able to wake up with a smile for the first time in weeks, that the rolls you made on Thanksgiving turned out well, that your favorite song came on the radio.  You get it.  There are a million ways God says He loves us and if we only wait to hear the big ones, we will miss out on so much of God.

Oddly enough, I was just sitting at my desk reading a book my dear friend gave me.  And I read these words,

"Isn't it here? The wonder?  Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it?  Do we truly stumble so blind that we must be afronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur?  The very same surging magificence that cascades over our every day here.  Who has time or eyes to notice?"

 

That paragraph came from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  If you haven't read it, you should.  It is a beautiful book.  I just loved that the day after I told Hubby that we miss God in the day to day because we look for Him only in the extrodinary would be the day that I read in such poetic form the exact sentiment.

 

What are you thankful for today?  In the midst of pain there is still something beautiful.  In the midst of suffering God still says I love you.  How will you hear it today?  A song that soothes the soul, an email from an old friend, the falling of snowflakes on a quiet day, a cup of coffee in a favorite mug or shared with a friend.  Whatever it is, know that God is saying He loves us today, and we need only to hear it in our own languages. 

much better

I took my anxiety meds yesterday at work.  They helped.  I was able to breathe and make it through the rest of the staff meeting.  Unfortunately it made me pretty spacey for the rest of the day which is abnormal. 

Anyhoo, just wanted to tell you that I'm ok, that I survived yesterday and that today looks much brighter. 

I love you all and wish you a beautiful Thanksgiving filled with love, courage and not one single orange thought!

excited and scared

I've been trying to be intentional about my sleep since starting my new job which means I have intentionally been avoiding my time warp blog.  But I need a quick reprieve before packing up lunches and heading to bed. 

I did get the new job that I had interviewed for.  Last week was my first week there as well as my last week at my other job.  It made for a tiring week, let me tell ya!  I absolutely love the new job.  I have never been more welcomed at a job.  I am so thrilled to be serving in this capacity for a non-profit organization that I whole heartedly believe in.  Not to mention that I am earning more and working more hours, which is always a plus!

I'm still a little scared though.  I've been mostly a stay at home mamma for quite some time and now I'm actually going back to "real" (I think I prefer to say "scheduled") work.  I've never worked in an office, in a cubicle.  I've never dealt with the ridiculous stress that an office lunch hour brings.  I mean, I brought lunch and I ate it, but all the while I was wondering what they were thinking about my plate.  Was this an appropriate amount of food?  Is there anything in my behavior that would have given my struggles away?  Is this how normal people spend their lunch breaks, eating together and chatting about life?  And no one dies of anxiety in doing it?

I have a lot of what if's going on.  What if I gain a zillion pounds sitting on my butt all day long? I won't be chasing my kids all day anymore. What if I relapse badly again and it becomes easily evident to those around me again?  What if I grow distant from the dear friends that I have now?  Oh that is a big one. 

Seriously, we have been in a similar stage of life.  Sure, most of them have kids younger than mine, but we are all stay at home moms.  How many impromptu play dates at Chic Fil A will I miss before they all have a common bond that I'm no longer a part of?  I remember when one of my good friends went back to work after years of staying at home.  I remember feeling like she no longer understood the day to day of nursing babies and changing diapers and all of the other things that were still a part of my every. single. day.  I remember feeling lonely when she wanted to tell me about her day in the work force, away from her children,when all I had to offer to the conversation was that my baby hadn't lost weight again or had tried a new food.  Not that we loved each other less, but we had less in common and it was the start of drifting apart. 

I know full well that that could very likely happen again.  My kids are all older than theirs and come fall will all be in school all day long.  I have freedom that I didn't have when they were younger.  Freedom to schedule coffee dates instead of McDonald's Playland dates, freedom to do things in the middle of the day without worrying about naps.  I also have the freedom to hold a professional job.  Will the differences in our lives, in our day to day, cause us to drift apart also?  I know it's the natural ebb and flow of relationships, but I am genuinely afraid of this.

I love my new job, but I am a little scared at how it could change my life.  I'm scared of not being able to see the sun whenever I want because I am in a cubicle.  I'm scared of sitting still for hours a day, because I have to.  I'm scared of not meeting my goals at work.  I'm scared that I'm going to burst into tears with the next person who is ridiculously kind to me.  I'm scared I will lose my friends and have to start over once again. 

And I'm equally excited.  I'm excited to open this new chapter of life and see where it takes me.  Like a novel I can't put down, that is how I feel about beginning a new season of life. 

voice free

I know the voices aren't gone forever.  I know sometimes they will still try to exercise their power.  But for now they are quiet and I am grateful.  The change happened so quickly that I don't know what happened or even when.  I just know there is no voice accusing me, no voice berating me, no voice torturing me, no voice gripping me with ice hooks demanding that I abuse my body.  It has been so long since I have felt this kind of contentment that I don't remember when I last felt it.  There is peace, contentment and joy I had long forgotten.

And I am so very thankful, no matter how long or short it may last!

Thanksgiving

I made it through Thanksgiving with my emotions in tact.  I even didn't think I was going to die from the food.  Ok, I did have to stop thoughts of wanting to purge before they could become a full blown obsession.  It wouldn't have helped anyway, I was blessed/cursed with the inability to throw up.  I would have just gotten more mad at myself that I can't even do that. 

So all in all, it was not the worst day of the year.  I'm alive, I ate and I never considered slapping my parents!

How did you fare this year for Thanksgiving?

things to be thankful for

• my son looking small because today was pajama day at school.  He looks so cute in his jammies!
• having my computer upstairs
• my oldest finally having his own room so we can put him to bed at the same time as my middle child without them keeping each other up all night
• having a friend with tools and skills to help us with Hubby's brakes this weekend
• a working washer and dryer
• a working dishwasher
• my middle child's smile with his 2nd front "man tooth" coming in
• coffee
• reading Breaking Dawn (again!)
• Amy, Sarah, Kathie, Denise
• my amazing Hubby 
• that it is true about getting older making certain aspects of marriage even better ; )
• meds that are starting to help and that I'm not too tired to realize they are starting to help
• that my oldest had a rough day at school yesterday and wanted me to hang out with him.  Love that my presence still makes life right again for him!

things I'm thankful for

• bogo coupons for my hubby's favorite soap
• roasted garlic hummus
• my son's new glasses
• both of my older kids got the teachers they were hoping for this year
• exciting news about a pregnancy that isn't mine but I am as excited as I ever was for any of mine.  This pregnancy is a miracle and I am super duper thrilled to be one of very few who know about it as of yet.
• My dear bosom friend K
• My sweet southern belle friend
• my job
• the weight room I get to use after work 
• chocolate and peanut butter and any combination thereof
• coffee
• COFFEE
• my J.J. Heller cd Painted Red
• fall weather and being able to wear my tall boots again
• hubby's day off being tomorrow :)