I'm in a pretty good place right now. I'm the girl who 3 weeks ago had once again forgotten how to eat and my jeans were ceasing to fit right. This past week however, I feel like I haven't stopped eating. Ok, so my jeans are still loose but I have eaten more in this past week than I probably did in the entire month before. I've been so unbelievably hungry that I actually took a pregnancy test just to be sure and it is NOT pregnancy that is causing me eat.
Here is what I am finding though, even though I am in a good place, I am still finding it hard to be kind to myself. It is so much easier to see every mistake I make and every imperfection. It is so much easier to see that I was drinking orange juice out of a wine glass tonight simply because my other glasses are all dirty and I didn't feel like washing them. It is much easier to get down on myself because I broke our families "no yelling rule" and totally lost it on my middle son one evening when he refused to go to sleep and was keeping his brother up too. It is so much easier to see every shortcoming.
I am trying really hard to see what I do right. I may be ok right this moment but I can only mentally beat myself up so much before I quit trying and relapse yet again. I know this. I have lived this many many times. So here is my shameless solicitation, can you tell me why the heck you like me? Tell me what I do right. Give me an arsenal of positive weapons to help me when all I can see is failure, stupid, ugly, not good enough. I adore my hubby and he swears he sees so much more good than bad in me, yet my brain insists that he has to say that because he is my hubby. I need to hear it from someone besides him. I'm already convinced he must be missing some important discretionary gene for him to be so head over heels in love with me, especially for the hell I've put him through.
It feels weird and all wrong to specifically ask for you to tell me that I'm ok. I kinda feel like the attention whore right now. And I am putting aside my pride and asking anyway because I want to beat this more than I want to introvert right now. I'm listening to my bodies needs, this week anyway, but I have to find it to be worthwhile. I have to know that I'm worth taking care of because I know that a good week like this is often followed by a huge crash. I crash because I don't believe it when I hear that I deserve to be taken care of and therefore I quit taking care of myself.