child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

shameless solicitation for your help

I'm in a pretty good place right now.  I'm the girl who 3 weeks ago had once again forgotten how to eat and my jeans were ceasing to fit right.  This past week however, I feel like I haven't stopped eating.  Ok, so my jeans are still loose but I have eaten more in this past week than I probably did in the entire month before.  I've been so unbelievably hungry that I actually took a pregnancy test just to be sure and it is NOT pregnancy that is causing me eat. 

Here is what I am finding though, even though I am in a good place, I am still finding it hard to be kind to myself.  It is so much easier to see every mistake I make and every imperfection.  It is so much easier to see that I was drinking orange juice out of a wine glass tonight simply because my other glasses are all dirty and I didn't feel like washing them.  It is much easier to get down on myself because I broke our families "no yelling rule" and totally lost it on my middle son one evening when he refused to go to sleep and was keeping his brother up too.  It is so much easier to see every shortcoming.

I am trying really hard to see what I do right.  I may be ok right this moment but I can only mentally beat myself up so much before I quit trying and relapse yet again.  I know this.  I have lived this many many times.  So here is my shameless solicitation, can you tell me why the heck you like me?  Tell me what I do right.  Give me an arsenal of positive weapons to help me when all I can see is failure, stupid, ugly, not good enough.  I adore my hubby and he swears he sees so much more good than bad in me, yet my brain insists that he has to say that because he is my hubby.  I need to hear it from someone besides him.  I'm already convinced he must be missing some important discretionary gene for him to be so head over heels in love with me, especially for the hell I've put him through.

It feels weird and all wrong to specifically ask for you to tell me that I'm ok.  I kinda feel like the attention whore right now.  And I am putting aside my pride and asking anyway because I want to beat this more than I want to introvert right now.  I'm listening to my bodies needs, this week anyway, but I have to find it to be worthwhile. I have to know that I'm worth taking care of because I know that a good week like this is often followed by a huge crash.  I crash because I don't believe it when I hear that I deserve to be taken care of and therefore I quit taking care of myself.


  1. I like you because you are sweet, positive, encouraging, and you don't give up! You also show great concern for others (like the girl you saw that you think might have an eating disorder) and for your sons and husband. I think the best part about you, though, is that you are trying to be the best Dawn you can be. That doesn't mean that you need to be perfect--it just means that every day, you need to forget the failures of the past and start fresh. I see you doing that every day, and encourage you to do this today. God does not expect perfection from us--we shouldn't expect it from ourselves either. Things like dirty dishes or losing your temper happen to all of us (see: the Bible where Jesus's mom probably lost her temper at him when he disappeared and was found in the temple!) She's still considered one of the best mothers ever! I hope that gives you some encouragement :)

  2. Sarah, you have so hit me with your analogy of Mary. She was every bit as human as me and I don't guess after losing her son she calmly said "Now, son, don't do that." I'm thinking it was more like "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? I'M FURIOUS! HOW DARE YOU PUT US THROUGH THAT?" It is amazing when you said that how much I was able to forgive myself for being as my friend says "a good imperfect parent" and what I have seen as being a horrible mom.

    Thanks so much for your encouragement! You are amazing and D is a blessed man to have you!

  3. Well, the same goes for you and your boys/husband :)

  4. here is the start of my list of the things I like about you:

    ~you introduced me to Anne of Green Gables and have been a kindred spirit and bosom friend ever since

    ~you love Sound of Music too! Remember dancing to it that first sleepover at my house??

    ~you love your husband and let the world know it through FB and your blog

    ~you love your kids and let them climb all over you at the park that first time we met last summer. That would have drove me crazy, but you welcomed their boisterous affection.

    ~you love your family enough to face the pain, addiction, and horrors of the past in order to be a better wife and mom

    ~you had the courage to seek help from many sources in your quest for healing

    ~you have an incredible grasp of who God is and how He loves us imperfect people

    ~I love your honesty... you are genuine

    ~I love your writing. You are very gifted!

    ~You have tenacity. When you fall, you get right back up. When you have a bad day or a bad week, you do not give up. You keep holding on to God and keep striving toward healing and wholeness

    ~You are beautiful! Not just on the outside.... Your heart is beautiful too!

    ~Even tho you have much stress, pain, struggle, etc. in your life right now, you still can laugh at the funny things your kids say and do. AND you can still reach out to me and others in our pain.

    I love you, girl!