HR confessions and more

I've had so many thoughts attacking my brain that I haven't even known where to start or the words to say to debrief.  Sunday was a beautiful day of worship at church.  For a while I was able to bask in the presence of the Almighty.  I was able to worship without reservation.  For a few moments and for a few hours later, I felt at peace.  I felt that my life really mattered.  I knew that my sole purpose in life is to bring glory and honor to the Lord, to reflect Him and the work He is doing in my life.  For a few moments, the size of my body didn't matter and didn't even cross my mind.

Today was a rough day.  Nothing specific, just felt like going through the motions was like waking through mud today.  I am so grateful for those moments in time, like Sunday, when I feel the Lord's presence so profoundly.  Those moments carry me through the rest of the days when I struggle desperately.  Today I didn't feel God, not even once but times like Sunday remind me that He is there even though I don't feel His presence.

Is it completely wrong for the girl who loves God, who believes He is good even when life isn't, who works for a Christian ministry, to say things like I didn't feel God today?  Does that mean, as was so often told to me growing up, that I don't really trust Him because I don't always feel Him?  Does it make my faith less if I share my doubts and fears?  I don't know the answer.  I do know though that on days like today, I have to hold on to what I know to be true not what I feel to be true.

Today brought the opportunity to talk to the HR person at my work.  I really like her and I trust her.  I went into her office and told her about my concerns with the health class that our work is sponsoring being either triggering or enabling to me.  She is the only person at my work who I have told that I struggle to eat, that I have major depressive disorder, and that some days going though the motions is overwhelming.

I told her I don't want to make this public knowledge at the moment.  I don't want my plate analyzed by every person in the office.  I don't want the calorie police hovering over me and worrying even when I'm doing ok.  (I told Hubby that calories are the little bastards that hide in your closet and sew your clothes smaller while you sleep.  He laughed.  And that is completely off subject and random. :)  )

On a food note, I'm both struggling and doing well.  I'm maintaining but at the moment the thoughts are pretty aggressive.  Like for instance, I had my physical recently.  My weight was satisfactory.  My ideal however, I realized in reading through my journal, is 5 lbs lighter than what my ideal was this time last year.  I feel the viciousness of the cycle that insists that no matter how much you lose, it isn't good enough for Orange.

My doctor allowed me to opt out of the metabolism screening which is good, that is always very triggering to me.  So I didn't have the extent of numbers to contend with that I usually have but I still had the scale numbers to contend with.  I still had questions from the new nurse wondering if I'm eating enough calories.  I told her yes.  And then I told her that I'm not counting them so I suppose I'm getting enough.  When I'm counting them I know I'm not getting enough.

For the TMI part but it does show how distorted Orange can be.... Before my physical I had a severe kidney infection.  The medicine I had to take for it backed up my bowels a LOT.  The doctor recommended some different products to help cleanse my colon without being laxatives.  It took several days to get back to being able to go.  Then for a day it turned into diarrhea and I stopped taking the supplements.  Today I contemplated starting them again.  The conversation in my head went something like this:

You should finish the full 14 days

No, I don't want to deal with cramping stomach and emergency trips to the bathroom

Yes, but think of the weight you are losing in cleansing

But the goal of cleansing is to be healthy and get my system jump started a little to get back in the swing of things, it isn't supposed to be about the weight
Keep taking it.  A little diarrhea shouldn't be enough to stop you.  You can still be in control but really, isn't the diarrhea worth it for what it will do to flatten out your stomach?

And just that quickly the battle is raging again.  In my actions I am still pursuing recovery.  I am still striving to beat the voice in my head.  Sadly though, that voice isn't little and it torments me day and night right now.  I covet your prayers right now as the voices are really loud.  Please pray for strength for the battle and peace for my heart. 

There is still so much more  but I've already made this really long and also it is getting very late and I need to attempt to sleep.  I need rest so I can be productive at work tomorrow.

getting back to normal

I spent quite a while in a constant state of depression and anxiety.  It has only been within the last week that I have felt more alive, more like myself, and less overwhelmed.  I had called my doctor to refill my anti anxiety prescription back when we were getting our new roof.  Having had a couple of pretty bad panic attacks up to that point I decided that having my medication on hand again might be a good idea.  My doctor never called back though which is extremely unlike her.  She has never missed returning a phone call.

When the theater shooting happened I found myself having panic attacks again.  I panicked when I was driving home one evening and saw police lights.  I hyperventilated when I heard sirens or saw emergency vehicles speeding by.  For where I live, that is a lot of fear to be living in.  I live less than a mile from the police station.  I live next to a highway, near a military base, and smack in between three major hospitals.  I hear sirens and helicopters all the time.  I see military and Flight for Life helicopters every day.  To have fear and anxiety with every helicopter and every siren was not good!

I decided that it was time to go visit my doctor.  She never got my message about my medication.  The former medical assistant who I called my message in to, well she is the former MA, that should say it all right there.  My doc did refill my medication and also recommended a supplement.  The main ingredient is GABA.

I happened to have already done a lot of research on GABA and had some in my house, though I wasn't taking it regularly.  I started taking it daily upon my doctor's recommendation.  It is helping me so much.  I've only had overwhelming anxiety once but that was when we took our kids to a theater to see Men In Black 3.  I'm thinking movie theater and action movie with the entire family so soon after a movie theater shooting  maybe gives reason to feel panicky.  I spent the entire movie watching the exits, judging the best way out if there was an emergency and thinking how Hubby and I would be able to protect all three of our kids and get everyone out safely if a madman came barging in shooting everywhere.  That was cause for the medicine!

There have been some big things happen.  I have more to share but not tonight.  Tonight I'm tired and really only wanted to write because I miss you guys!  Hope everyone is well and I'll try to not stay away so long.

How does she do that??????

I planned on skipping lunch today.  Yes, I am flat out admitting that I had every intention of having a low intake day.  I have been once again fighting the voice in my head (or maybe indulging the voice in my head) that swears that I can both live and restrict.  That voice is trying so hard to tell me that I can still be me, that I can still be a great mom, wife, friend and employee without the assistance of food. 

Let's be honest for a moment, I know the voice is lying and yet I still feel the need to listen when it speaks.  I still feel like I could be the different one, that my disease wouldn't steal from me.  I still feel like if I could be down x pounds before my doctor's appointment that I would be "happy" with myself. 

And then my work friend happens along on the days that I have no intention of eating and she just seems to KNOW.  Once it was a friendly, "Hey, have you taken your lunch yet?"  Last time it was the one I blogged about with a touch on my knee and a "You ok?"  Today it was the offer of splitting the cost of Chipotle.  How did she know?  How did she know that today was the day that I needed to eat, that today was the day I had not one intention of indulging in lunch, that Chipotle was probably the only thing that could have tempted me?

I don't know, but I'm grateful that she brought me out of my head.  I'm grateful that she gave me perspective enough to see the faultiness of the voice in my head.  And I'm grateful that she went and got the food.  God must have known that I needed someone here who could pull me out of my head once in a while.  There is no other reason that I can think of that the only times she has mentioned food to me have been the days that I have really been struggling!

sick list

1. I LOVE my doctor! It was so nice to see my own doctor. I haven't seen her since this whole sickness began.  I have seen another dr in the practice, talked to yet another dr after hours on call, and then saw yet another dr at urgent care over the weekend.

2. anti nausea medicine is the bomb!

3.  percocet is my best friend right now

4.  today is the first day since Thursday that I put on "real" clothes not yoga pants and Hubby's t-shirt

5. pleurisy SUCKS  (it's an inflammation of the lining inside the lungs)

6. I'm really looking forward to having a long enough attention span again to really blog

owie!

i managed to fracture my thumb last week. yesterday i finally went to the doctor. i must keep it completely immobile for minimum of a week to give it a chance to heal. apparently my thumb didn't get the memo that life goes on and mom's have things to do like dishes and laundry and blog! ok, so unless i am going to emotionally explode, i'm going to rest from blogging until my thumb feels better. besides it sucks typing with one hand! maybe this is a chance to let my family help me. maybe God knew i needed help and would never ask for it otherwise.

OUCH!

have i said OUCH yet? just checking because it hurts REALLY badly!


be back soon friends, with 2 functional thumbs (i hope)!

doctor update

My doctor appointment on Thursday went well and not so well.  I was down another pound, not so great.  My iron is higher than last year, still no where near where I need it to be though.  Ferritin levels below 13 are considered anemia.  Last year I was at 14.  This year I am 16.  I need to be in the mid 60's minimum to have a reserve store of iron that my body can pull from.

At one point she was pondering some of my labs, why some things were low but not others directly linked to those things.  Then she asked it, "So how are you doing with eating?"  Apparently what I had had on Thursday up to that point wasn't enough to be called a meal much less most of a days nutrition.  Aha, it all made sense to her.

When we addressed my weight, metabolism, strength, bmi, and body fat percentage I started to fidget.  She says, "So you are staying within your normal range on all of these things.  That should make you feel happy, right?"  NO!  I told her about accompanying hubby to his appointment and how his body fat percentage is just barely higher than mine which is highly unfair because I am definitely the one who puts healthier foods in my body.  She told me the explanation for that.  My body needs more protein.  When you are not getting enough food to fuel your body, the body retains the fat thinking it will need the fat to stay warm.  My body is attacking itself in search of protein.  My body is devouring my muscles in search of protein and storing the fat to keep itself warm. Having said all of this, she was rather surprised at how well I did on the strength test.

At one point in the conversation she asked me something that I have been thinking about since.  I for the life of me cannot remember what the question was but after I answered one of her questions, she said, "Do you not want to get better?"  Crap!  That was a whole different can of worms.  I honestly don't know.  I do want to get better.  I just don't want to have to let go of this to do it.  How contradictory is that??????  I want to live my life, not just exist through it.  I have amazing dreams of the life I want.  I am also terrified of that life and like knowing that orange is holding my hand and giving me security of the familiar.

The doctor did start me on a new anti-depressant.  It makes me tired but most of them do when you first start them.  My kitchen will tell you in a couple of weeks if the medicine is helping or not ;-) !  We also adjusted my thyroid again because it is still over functioning.  Hopefully in a few weeks, by the time my kids are back in school, I'll be feeling a little more normal.  Thanks for the comments here, the emails and the texts from those of you checking in on me.  I do appreciate the support and accountability.

dot to dot pictures

If only you could actually hear the big sigh that I just let out.  I had another "aha" moment today.  I connected the dots again to find I'm not crazy about the picture they draw.  BUT at least I know what the picture is and can finally work with it.  So if you have followed me from the beginning, you know that my struggle began when I was 14.  At that point in time it was a body image, want to be what someone else wants me to be, supreme insecurity issue.  I was 17 when things got really bad.  There was something significant going on in my life then, something that triggered me.  I was being sexually molested by my boss at work.  He would follow me into the freezer and talk dirty and fondle me.  He was disgusting but because he was my boss I didn't know how to make it stop and I was scared.  The only way out that I could see was to leave my job and I did.

I know I have shared some of this in an early blog but for the sake of new readers, I'm going to condense it and tell it again.  The day I came in to pick up my last check, this manager was there.  He followed me out to the parking lot and started making lewd comments.  I kept walking.  He forced me to turn around, violently kissed me and then slammed me against the car.  As my mind was racing looking for a way out, he started to grope me again.  When I started to cry, he informed me that I shouldn't be crying because I obviously liked his attention because my body physically responded to him.  I was so incredibly furious with my body and felt like it had betrayed me.  How could my mind so forcefully reject what he was doing but my body still react to his touch?  I was disgusted with my own body.

Now fast forward a bunch of years later to me as a grown woman sitting in a mental hospital.  While in the hospital, I was required to speak with a therapist.  The therapist who I happened to be paired with was a very right vs. wrong, abrupt, older man.  He was actually quite a jerk, to be honest.  I answered his questions.  I told him my history.  I told him about this situation.  And being a dumbass, he asked me what I meant by my body responded.  Really?  He's older, he wore a wedding ring, and yet doesn't know in what ways a woman's body could respond to a man's touch???????  So in my most annoyed and sarcastic tone, I bluntly looked at him and crudely  informed him of what had happened.  The response infuriated me.  He informed me that I should not have felt guilty for that response.  It is an "autonomic response" that I had no control over so therefore I should not feel shame or guilt for having such a response.  What kind of therapist tells their patient that their feelings weren't valid?  Who tells you how you should feel? 

Ok, another rabbit trail to lead to my "aha moment".  About a year ago, I realized (rather suddenly and surprisingly) that I had allowed some of my intimate moments with my husband to be highly influenced by this intense need to be in control of my body.  So, at that point I wasn't acting out with my eating disorder but I was still acting out and needing an obsessive amount of control over my own body.

Today I saw my chiropractor.  He does acupuncture as well as adjustments.  When he was about to start the acupuncture, I asked him if his little magic needles could cure anything.  I asked if there were points that would stimulate appetite. He originally said he would do a few to help with food cravings.  No, no, no, I don't need to get rid of cravings, I need to gain a few!  He told me that was quite a bit more difficult because the body's automatic response is to desire food especially when under stress.  It is what my body should naturally do for itself.

Have you connected the dots?  All three of those stories have to do with automatic physical responses.  I was so traumatized by my body responding against my will all those years ago that I have fought it since to maintain a high level of control that my body "cannot" (be allowed to) have an automatic/autonomic response.  If my body acts on its own, I lose control and it could hurt me again.  I fight tooth and nail against anything my body may want to do that doesn't first have my permission.  Being hungry is just one more thing that I don't allow until it is on my terms.  Somewhere deep inside I think I am wondering, "But what happens if my body betrays me again?"