child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

talking to my kids about Sandy Hook

Being a parent is hard.  Here's the link to how we talked to our kids about the recent shooting

Monday, December 17, 2012

What I learned from helping my son

My baby has been struggling.  For several months he has randomly started crying and telling me he is sad. Recently it is becoming more and more frequent.  He never knows why he is sad or what is causing him to go from laughing to crying in a matter of minutes.  As the girl who did deal with childhood depression, I worry.  The other day he climbed in my lap, stroked my hair and said, "Mamma, I'm just sad."

I have no answers or cures for him.  But I happen to be struggling with the same thing currently so I hugged him tightly and told him that I get sad for no reason sometimes too.  I grabbed my Bible that I had been reading before he came in and read Philippians 4:4-8 to him.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!
We can choose to have joy.
Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.
God is near us, Baby.
Do not be anxious about anything, 
That means we aren't supposed to worry.
but in everything, by prayer and petition, 
with thanksgiving, present your request to God.
And the peace of God which transcends all understanding
will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
That means that God gives us peace in our hearts that is bigger than our brains can understand.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true,
whatever is noble,
whatever is right,
whatever is pure,
whatever is lovely
 whatever is admirable
if anything is excellent or praiseworthy
think on these things.
Baby, that means that God wants us to spend our time thinking about the things 
in our lives that we are thankful for, for the blessings He gives us, and every good thing.

Tell me something you are thankful for, something that makes you smile.  "I don't know, Mamma.  I can't think of anything."  Well, I can tell you something  that makes me smile.  You make me smile.  I'm thankful for you.  Now it is your turn.
Coffee in my Christmas mug.
My monkeys.
That our heater works.
Playing with my friends at recess.
Hugs and kisses.

The conversation continued for several minutes.  And then his sweet voice says, "Mamma, I still feel sad."  I know, Baby.  We will still get sad sometimes.  What we need to do is hold on to those things we are thankful for, those things that make us smile, until  the sadness passes.  And at some point the sadness will pass.  Hold on to those good things until the sadness passes. 

I don't know how long it will be until my sadness passes, but I will continue to greet the day with intentional thankfulness until the sadness passes.  I will continue to hold on to the things that are true, noble, worthy of praise and trust that God is indeed near and that He will indeed guard my heart and mind with His peace. 

Sunday, December 16, 2012

a broken heart that must keep going

There is a difference between corporate grief and personal grief.  Though I am burdened and grieved one thing is different right now.  Though suicidal thoughts are swirling in my brain, and have been for a while now, in the midst of corporate grief and huge tragedy, I don't want my family to hurt the way that the families of these precious slaughtered children hurt.  My baby has been regularly breaking into tears telling me he is sad but doesn't know why.  I don't want to give him a reason to be sad.  My sweet, sweet family.  They need me, though I don't exactly always understand why. 

I'm emotionally exhausted.  News of another shooting didn't help that exhaustion.  My sweet boys.  I went into my youngest son's class at school yesterday, even though he was home sick.  I hugged his little friends and his teacher.  I thanked God that they were all safe.  I cried.  I won't watch the news.  I have taken a break from Facebook.  My heart was already full and about to burst.  Now I want nothing more than to hide under my blankets and never ever come out.

For the record, I've had more wine than usual tonight.  It was completely intentional.  I'm feeling tipsy.  I don't even care that I am.  I'm hoping the wine will kill the dreams of terror that have been haunting me.  I'm hoping the wine will mean I can sleep through the night tonight.  I'm hoping for a few short hours that the wine will erase the hurt I feel.  I'm heading to bed now.  Sorry if I've been spastic, I don't usually write when I'm feeling unsure of my brain.  I just tonight needed a safe place to say my broken heart is really heavy.

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

to share or not to share, that is the question

Today someone I work with said this,
"I understand you have a blog also, I'd love to read it."

And now I wonder, do I share or do I keep my little area of the world private?  I don't talk about my blog or even that I do blog.  Do I let her join me on my journey, on this journey that is often ugly?  Or do I let her see the cleaned up version? 

Why did I just think of starting yet another blog simply with the for everyone's eyes posts?  I could give her my other link but then if she looks at my profile she will see that I am here also. 

Oh anxiety, how I loathe thee.  Anxiety of how much of my heart is ok to share.  Anxiety that I want to share my thoughts just not sure if I want to share my journey.  How far do I let people in?