Monday, October 28, 2013
I'm saying this not to make you worry, but to hold myself accountable. I have found a natural supplement called Confianza that helps tremendously with the anxiety when I take it. I need to start taking it regularly again. I let the anxiety get so high that I am incapable of getting up and going to grab it out of the cupboard. Hubby has a few times asked if I needed it, grabbed it and brought it to me when I can simply nod with tears flowing down my cheeks but can't move to get it.
I need to start taking it daily again to help bring the anxiety down and make my life functional again. I need to stop waiting until I'm hyperventilating and starting to go into panic mode to take it. What's the phrase, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?
I most definitely need to get the anxiety under control, anxious thoughts also make orange thoughts really loud. It seems so easy to try to gain control through food. Though I know fully that not getting proper nutrition makes the anxiety worse, sometimes in the midst of it that is hard to remember. Just because I know this doesn't seem to mean that is how I handle it in the actual situation.
I am grateful for the prayers. I can tell you there have been days that I am certain it was God's grace through the prayers of others that has carried me through the day. I know this too shall pass. I also know the longer it takes to pass the harder it is to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. This has been longer than usual and standing strong is getting harder. Please pray that the peace of God that surpasses our understanding will guard my heart and mind.
I am still recovering, although I hate that fact. I want to say 3 years should equal full recovery but I know that isn't true. The healthy times are easier and not usually a concentrated effort. The hard times are still a struggle though. A struggle that I had hoped I'd be past by now. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I'm trying to be patient with the work that God has started in me because I know He will carry it through and not leave me stuck in the middle.
I love you guys. And I love the role you have played in my recovery. Thanks. Let's keep recovering together.
Monday, October 21, 2013
The text said fml. I acknowledged that I don't actually believe that. But it's how I feel right now.
I love the people in my life. I'd take them out of that equation of the text. I love things about my life. I love being wife to Hubby. I love being mom to my Littles. I love my job, even though today I was too overwhelmed to go to work and do my job.
So when I look at it logically, I really wouldn't say fml. I love my life. But I hate my emotions. I hate that with a life full of love, I still struggle to see hope. I hate that anxiety sometimes cripples me. I hate that depression sometimes makes me feel emotionally bankrupt.
Food is hard. Not my because of my body but because of my emotions. I want control. I want to feel the surge of euphoria that being hungry gives. But this time there is no euphoria only the empty darkness that usually comes when I've fallen too far.
I don't want to fall but I don't want to fight either. I just want to give up. I won't give up, I just want to. Hubby is keeping me accountable. He knows where I am and he's holding me up. I know this too shall pass. Until it does, I'm really grateful for those who hold my arms when I'm too tired to fight.