as not instead

This is the comment I made on a friend's Facebook status:

The 2 greatest commandments are about love, love God, love others. That's pretty much what Christianity boils down to, love. We love them, God is the one who changes hearts.

Thinking of that verse, you know "Love your neighbor as yourself" I thought of something I once read or heard somewhere.  The source fails me but the message remains, it says to love my neighbor AS myself not love my neighbor INSTEAD of myself.


I am not certain I fully understand that concept so I'm going to continue to mull on it.  Just some thoughts to ponder.  There are many more but I'm on my lunch break at work and don't have time to write the other thoughts I am pondering. 

Love

                                    
As much as I love my family, I couldn't love them when I was stuck in my eating disorder. At least, I couldn't  love them fully. I loved my disease too much to allow much else in my life.  I was stuck, so. very. stuck.

I would look at my children and think how much I wanted to love them RIGHT but instead I was spending all of my time and energy to hate myself.  I was sharp and angry with them, a lot.  I very seriously don't remember a year of all of their lives during the darkest pit and the slow start of the climb out.

I would look at Hubby and think of the days that I wanted him physically and wish they hadn't gone away.  To clarify, it wasn't HIM I didn't want, it was being touched, being seen, being known that I didn't want.  I wanted to love him the way he so deserves to be loved but all of my emotion was going into hating myself.

I wanted to love my friends, but I was too busy loving Orange.  I wasn't there for them anymore.  I was devoted only to my disease.  And as much as I hated that about myself, I couldn't make myself change it either.

Things are different now.  I love again, and to be honest it is amazing.  I feel again and it too is lovely, most of the time.  Love now is genuine and deep, no longer false acts based in my own self hatred.  I enjoy spending time with my family again instead of shutting them out.

Not only can I love truly again, I now can be loved as well.  I can rest in Hubby's arms and know his love.  I can see my Mother's Day cards from my boys and feel their love for me.  I really don't remember how long it was that I couldn't feel the love that was being poured into me.  I really felt like no matter how much love and care was given, all I could feel was hatred and judgement being passed.

I don't think I've actually EVER felt love like I do now.  I not only know love, but I can give it and I can feel it and I can experience it now.  It is an awe-inspiring thing to finally understand love and to have a great capacity for it!

I'm still married

I mentioned in my last post that staying married has been my greatest accomplishment in my life so far.  I also said I'd explain that comment, so here goes.

Ya'll already know my background so it isn't really a surprise when I say that the only way I really knew how to relate with men was either not at all or sexually.  The day I married Hubby was the day everything was going to be all better for me.  I had the unconditional love of an amazing man and I didn't need anything else.  We escaped to our hotel after the wedding and I locked myself in the bathroom with the guise of needing a bubble bath to help relax me because I was a little nervous.  Though I'd had sex and Hubby had had sex before, we hadn't had sex with each other so I really was a little nervous on my wedding night.

I took a really long bath, trying to avoid the inevitable.  I remember thinking "Oh my God.  I have to have sex with the same person for the rest of my life.  I don't know if I can do this."  I couldn't "relax" enough to do anything that night, I actually just cried.  Romantic night, huh, holding your new bride while she sobs in your arms instead of finally caressing the body you have spent years waiting for.  The next morning the same thoughts hit me.  And then this one, "Well, we haven't had sex yet so I could still get this annulled and then not break his heart by not being able to stay true." 

Rational? No. Legitimately what I thought? Yes. I had no idea how I was ever going to make it.  I was sure I didn't have what it took to be married, especially to such a great guy.  I spent years knowing I couldn't love him as much as he loved me.  I knew early on that if anything happened to me his world would stop but if anything happened to him I'd be sad and then move on.  I really wanted to feel like my world would stop if something happened to him but I couldn't.  I spent years wondering if he was going to get tired of loving more than he was loved and leave me.

In our first few months of marriage, my first test came along.  Hubby's boss.  Something about him sparked my interest.  In retrospect, I think I enjoyed his company and his sense of humor and didn't know how to respond to him in another way besides desire.  He had told us of the girl he had made out with who was someone's fiance.  I knew that if he could make out with his friend's fiance, he could make out with me, his friend's wife.  He didn't have that boundary in his head that would make me off limits.  My mind started concentrating on him a lot.  I desired him and knew that he wouldn't mind crossing that line and figured it could be a secret.

Here is where I realized that I did really love my Hubby not just loved that he loved me.  I would play in my mind having to tell him I had slept with his boss and could see how heartbroken he would have been.  I never wanted to be responsible for breaking his heart.  I held on to that fiercely.  It was my proof that I really loved him.  At least I loved him as much as I was capable of loving him.  I was pretty broken.  I worked in the same building as he did at the time.  I quit my job to avoid seeing and feeling for Hubby's boss on a daily basis.  I walked away from my greatest temptation because I didn't want to hurt Hubby.

I spent the first 3 years of our marriage waiting for the day when he would tire of my broken capacity for loving him and leave for a woman who had a whole heart to love him with.  During our infertility years I even told him if he wanted to leave me for a woman who could have his children that I would understand.  He still refers to that conversation as the only time he has ever been absolutely furious with me.  I knew that I loved him as much as I could, but I wondered if I would ever love him as much as he loved me, as much as he deserved to be loved.

I finally confessed all of this to him a couple of months ago.  Of course, he already knew, but it was nice to finally talk about it.  He wondered when we got married if I loved him or if I loved how he made me feel.  Did I love him or did I love being loved?  Did I love him or feeling safe?  Did I love him or that he would do anything to make me smile?  Did I love him or did I love that I didn't have to answer to my parents anymore?
Did I love him or that I was the center of someone's world finally?  He didn't know.  How could he, I didn't know. 

I would repeatedly find myself avoiding situations because I didn't want to have to tell him I'd been with another man.  Not wanting to hurt him was the proof of loving him that I clung too.  For far too long, it was all I had to assure myself that I loved him as much as I could.  As the years have passed, our friendship has deepened.  Our love has grown.  My love for him is genuine and deep now.  My world would stop if something happened to him.  I no longer need to cling to the fear of hurting him to prove to myself and him that I do love him.  It just flows naturally from every fiber of my being. 

We've known each other since I was 18 and I enjoy his company more than I even realized was possible back then.  Though I've been tempted in the past to step outside of our marriage, I no longer need the fear of telling him to be the thing that keeps me faithful.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I don't think of other men in sexual terms anymore.  Hubby is my only lover and the only one I want to love for the rest of my life.  And I'm really thankful that he could see into my heart and love me even when I didn't know how to love him in return.

I need him

***** I just found this post from May that never got published.  I didn't realize it would publish with today's date if I published it.  It's old news, but I like it :) ********

I need him.  I always have.  It looks a little different now than it did. My needs have morphed over the years.  In the early years, I needed him to help me learn how to not be everyone's door mat.  I needed him to to explain football.  I needed him to run a hot bubble bath and watch 90210 and Party of Five with.  I needed him to take a bus to work so I could drive the car.  I needed him to tell me that I was not at fault when my mom had a grapefruit sized tumor removed from her ovary. I needed him to hold me so I could fall asleep.  I needed him to get upset on my behalf when my boss was being a tool.  I needed him to sleep beside on the super uncomfortable 70's style fold out couch in front of a tiny window air conditioner that was the only cooling source in our tiny apartment.

I needed him to light fires in the fireplace.   I needed him to appreciate my awful cooking.  I needed him to help me not take myself so seriously.  I needed him to be silly with.  I needed him to remind me it was ok to be sick.  I needed him to take me to the hospital for iv fluids when I had the flu and got dehydrated.

I needed him to bring me the baby for an early morning feeding.  I needed him to tell me I was still beautiful even with the baby weight that I just couldn't lose.  I needed him to force me to stay down when I was on modified bed rest and wanted to help out with dinner.  I needed him to be by my side in awe as I delivered our third son myself (in a hospital with a doctor present!).  I needed him during pregnancy to make a no phone calls after 9 pm rule.

 I needed him to carry me to bed when I just couldn't keep my eyes open.  I needed him to take me mini golfing.  I needed him to go to the park and swing with me.  I needed him to tell me his corny trademark joke, that I refer to as his best pick up line ever.  I needed him to hold my hand.

Last year the dynamics changed.  I needed him still but I was now needy.  I needed him to make me call my nutritionist when he did the math and realized my weight loss was already 11% of my body weight.  I needed him to talk me down when my nutritionist and doctor both agreed that I needed to go to the Eating Disorder Center.  I needed him to make sure I was at least attempting to eat.  I tried to hide the clumps of hair, the skeletal looking hips, and the fact that I had also started (unsuccessfully) trying to throw up.  I needed him but didn't want him to know it.

I needed him to come and pick me up at my friend's house and drive me to the local hospital.  I needed him to sit for 9 hours in the emergency room, holding my hand and even climbing up on the e.r. cot with me to hold me while we both tried to sleep.  I needed to see him in our car following the ambulance as they drove me to the mental hospital.  I needed him to hold my hand the whole way up to my unit and to tell me it would be ok, even though I know he wasn't sure.  I needed him to call my pastor so that my pastor could visit me in the hospital since he wasn't allowed every day.  I needed him to call into work for a week and be full time dad while I was in the hospital.  I needed him to make me go to my follow up therapy after the hospital.

I needed him to pick up my slack and take on most of the housework.  I needed him to be the prominent parent for a while.  I needed him to work his 2 jobs, take care of me, take care of our kids and handle the house as well.  I was just plain needy.

Last night I was up late looking for our new license plate stickers when I finally sat down in the middle of the floor for a good long sob.  As I was crumpled up on the floor, I was thinking that it seems so unfair that when the kids are having a rough night that someone can carry them to bed but who was going to carry me?  For a few minutes I even thought how nice it would be if he woke up and came out and, just like he used to do, carry me to bed.  Tonight I realized this, I still need him.  I have needed him to be so many deep things lately that I am missing the little things.

I have needed him to help me in my recovery and sometimes by gently tough with me.  Now, I am ready for the corny jokes, being carried to bed by arms much stronger than mine, playing cards while talking, dancing to a good song just because we want to.

weight gain *dislike*

Thanks to Hubby's "and" rule, I just had some peanut butter and milk with my banana.  I didn't exactly feel thrilled about that.  I have scoured the leaflet about my latest medicine.  I was convinced that I would find weight gain as one of the side affects.  But, no, there is not one word about weight gain in any form (even by increased appetite).  If anything the opposite should be true because nausea, vomiting and diarrhea are common side affects.  I have no vomiting or diarrhea.  I have no increased appetite.  I do, however, have more around my middle than I did have.  Not liking that!

I had been eager for my period to start this month because it always cures the "fat blues".  Unfortunately, this month when my period came, the pooch didn't go away.  I'm convinced that I look pregnant, though everyone else is too kind to agree.  It didn't used to be about my body looking a certain way.  It used to be about hurt and control and numbness.  It still centers on those things but somewhere along the way, how my body looks and feels has also become a bigger issue.  It used to be just to cope.  When did that change?  Why did that change?

I'm in the low phase of my "body bi-polar".  Body bi-polar,you know, when one day you can look in the mirror and say, "Ok, if this is as good as it gets, I'm ok with that" vs. "I can't live in this body.  It feels so foreign to me and looks so hideous!"  I'm in the second one.

I just can't get past the line in the song I shared that says, "Those damaged goods you see, in your reflection.  Love sees it differently, love sees perfection."  How?  How can love, that of my Savior and that of my husband see perfection?  Wish I could see what they see.

friends, new and old

It has been 5 months since I lost my best friend.  I have been blessed greatly by new friendships and one old friendship that have in some ways helped heal the hole that she left. That seriously just sounded like a break up line, but honestly, you cannot have been through 15+ years of friendship and not have a hole in your heart when that friendship sours. And though I am THRILLED with the amazing, encouraging, not let me get away with nonsense, (have I mentioned AMAZING?) friends that I have, sometimes I still miss having her on my side.  Sometimes there is still an ache that she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore.  I've been asked by a few people why it was so hard to lose her friendship.  Was I holding on to the past?  If she couldn't be supportive of me in this difficult time, do I really want her as my closest friend?  Could it have been the right thing to let go of the friendship?  And my answer is yes.  Yes it was the best thing overall for my heart, for my family, for me and apparently for her as well.  That didn't make it hurt less.

Jesus knew that the cross was what was best for those He loved but that didn't make Him eager for its pain.  He still asked God to take it away from Him.  He still endured humiliation, torture and death, simply because it was part of the overall plan.  Now please don't hear me saying that I think losing my best friend is like Jesus facing the cross.  I'm just saying that just because something is the best solution or the needed solution, doesn't mean it won't hurt.

My heart was torn to shreds when my dearest friend in the world decided that my struggles were finally just too much for her.  I cried rivers.  And though I am in a place of acceptance, sometimes, my heart still aches that, with everything our friendship had endured, it could not whether this storm as well.  But had it not happened the way it did, I would not have found the new friends who are so close and dear to me now.  Had it not happened, I may not have learned some valuable lessons about myself, who I am at my core.  And sadly, had it not happened I would have not learned some valuable lessons about her and her character.

Not to be a downer tonight.  I just was thinking about my friend who I spent the evening texting.  I was thinking about how out of the blue and a true blessing our friendship has been.  I was thinking that I don't feel defensive when she calls me out.  I was thinking that I feel understood and loved for who I am, not for who I could be.  And for a few moments, I was also wishing that I could have felt this loved and accepted by my best friend. 

I am so very grateful that God brings people into our lives in just His perfect timing.  I was thinking how lost and alone I felt 5 months ago and how glad I am to have several people who are true friends now.  I am so blessed to have accountability, love, and encouragement in my life.  I am so blessed to for the first time in a very long time to feel loved for who I am now not who I was years ago and not who I will become and not the image I portray. 

my favorite day of the year

I feel like I am six because though I have always felt it, this year I admitted it.  Today is my favorite day of the year.  Today is my birthday!  I always hesitated to tell people it was my birthday.  I kinda have always felt embarrassed by how much I enjoy it.  It makes no sense.  I usually want to fade into the background and be just a little visible but on my birthday I want to shout it from the rooftops that it is a day that is important.

So for the first time ever, I have said it out loud.  Today is my birthday and August 6th is my favorite day of the entire year!  It was a good birthday too.  I started the morning with a note from my love, then a lovely picture message on my phone of a birthday card.  (grrrrr, I just tried to download pictures of both and for some reason my computer won't let me retrieve those pictures!)

I had a friend come visit and we went to Starbucks so I could use my birthday postcard for a freebie.  I treated myself to a quad shot vanilla latte, something I have never done but thoroughly enjoyed.  Another friend stopped by with what she thought was an early birthday gift only to be thrilled to realize she was dead on the day.  Her gift made me cry.

I suppose I should explain why it made me cry.  See, this calendar used to hang in her room after she and her husband split.  It was her serenity.  I commented on how beautiful it was when I was helping her move.  I got my wedding gown in Paris.  I went to the top of the Eiffel Tower.  I sat on the patio of a bistro with a glass of wine and watched the night lights of Paris come on.  Paris holds a special place in my heart.  Paris also holds a special place in her heart, but that is her story to tell, not mine.  I tried to protest the gift.

"No, this is your special lovey!"

"And now it is your special lovey!"

It was more than a gift.  It was a piece of her heart.

Sadly, I did have to make dinner tonight.  But on the upside, I was smart enough to buy thin crust chicken alfredo pizzas at Costco and specifically saved them for a night when I really needed a break from cooking dinner.  Pizza and a beer for dinner and then off to see the Smurfs with my family.  Cute movie, I enjoyed it but even more so enjoyed my kids laughter at the movie!

I finished off the night by using my treat receipt from Starbucks, pictures with my love (taken by my 8 year old, such a sweetheart!), and a ridiculous amount of birthday wishes on facebook.  I was aware of feeling down and at times very lonely today.  But it was still a beautiful way to turn 30-something and even though my feelings don't often feel it, today I realized that a lot of people really do care about me.  That counts for future encouragement in some way, I am sure!

I am so ridiculously in love with this man!

when your 8 yr old is the photographer and the cell phone is the camera, sometimes pictures turn out a bit blurry.   turning it black and white and editing only can help so much!  :)

4th of July

It has been a long day full of emotional highs and lows.  I decided to have some wine tonight.  Half a glass has now turned into more than half a bottle.  I'm a little off, I can feel the alcohol. That said, have mercy on me if I ramble or have tons of typos, I've had a bit to drink tonight. So tonight I am faced with a choice.  As I said, there have been lots of emotional swings today.  So I am going to spend the last part of my evening thinking about my favorite part of today instead of the lows and loneliness that have periodically plagued my day. 

FiReWoRkS! We lucked out in that the fireworks for our city are in the park directly across the street from my house.  We sit in our driveway every year to watch them every year.  The past years have been rainy and we watched them from my in-laws front window.  This year was hot and perfect for 4th of July.  My sister-in-law and her husband and my two sweet nieces joined us for the first time this year.  My boys were so excited to have their cousins over for fireworks.  The fireworks were lovely this year but even better were the faces of 5 little ones ages 2-8.  Their faces lit up.  I have a picture of my middle one during the grand finale that I wish I could download for you to see.  He had the biggest smile I have ever seen on him.  And the girls.  Oh my goodness, I could have just scooped them up and covered them in kisses for how adorable they were!  It was an honor to be able to share in their very first of many fireworks experiences.  It may have been a day with lots of loneliness and struggles but it was also a day of loving that I married into an amazing family. 

My hubby told me he loves me tonight before bed (as he always does).  I asked why.  He said he loves my heart and that I am a great mom and that I am a great wife.  I think he may be love blind but that is ok, I'll take it!  I'm still a bit lonely but I am going to focus on love not on lonely tonight. 

Btw, wine makes me smile in a goofy way.

my husband

I had to ask my husband when he became aware of my eating struggles.  I knew that he knew, but I don't remember telling him.  He is so unbelievably observant that I wasn't sure that he wasn't one of the people who noticed and asked.  It's important to me to know simply because my husband has been the biggest external healing factor for me in this battle. Apparently I told him of my frustration when the other two guys were forcing me to eat and handling accountability so wrongly.  I honestly don't remember confiding this in my husband who was then just one of my close friends, but I do remember him loving me in spite of my eating disorder.

He patiently listened to me when I came to him crying because a guy in the youth group had said he could bench me.  I know, stupid thing to cry over, right?  I remember being livid with this guy because he tried to guess my weight.  Poor dumb fool. I, unfortunately for him, taught him the hard way to not discuss weight with a woman.  He smiled and said, "I could totally bench you.  What are you, like a buck-ten?"  My crazy won out and I screamed uncontrollably at him.  I told him to never ever ever talk about my weight or any other woman's weight again.  He was confused because neither he nor the other people in the office at that moment had ever seen this side of me.  I screamed, I punched him in the arm, I threw some papers on the floor and I stomped out.  That evening I told my some day husband about my crazy episode.  He never judged.  He was so unbelievably kind and understanding.

Early in my marriage my struggle once again got very difficult for a time.  My husband never forced me to eat or asked me about food.  He did however ask that I at least join him at the table while he ate.  He said he wanted my company.  He would ask me to take one bite.  I remember him having pizza and asking me to take one bite and then he wouldn't ask anymore of me if I couldn't.  I took one bite.  I cried the entire time I chewed it and nearly gagged as I swallowed it.  He kept his promise and didn't ask me to eat anymore. 

I'm sure it has been difficult over the years to not harp on me about what or when I've eaten.  I know I haven't made it easy for him.  But through it all, he has always been kind and understanding.  He has in so many ways been the physical manifestation of God's grace and healing in my life.  In the beginning of our marriage I, of course, had physical issues.  I felt that since I was married, that I never had to be touched again in my life.  I would try to "humor" him when he was feeling amorous but my heart wasn't in it.  He many times pulled away from me and said, "No, your mind isn't here and if I can't have all of you, I don't want to take any."  He wouldn't allow me to just go through the motions of sex, I had to be mentally with him as well or he would stop me. 

It was a long time before I learned why people refer to it as making love.  My dear sweet husband taught me that.  As I was loved unconditionally, in spite of my huge flaws and shortcomings, my heart began to trust.  As I began to trust him as a man, I began to heal.  Little by little my heart started healing.  I don't remember when I started eating regularly again.  I do though remember once looking in the mirror after I had gotten out of the shower and realizing that I couldn't count my ribs anymore.  I traced my throat with my hands and was suddenly aware that my collar bone no longer jutted out.  I looked at myself in the mirror and for the first time in my entire life, liked what I saw.

I liked that I was starting to look like a woman.  I liked that I didn't look constantly sick, pale, too thin etc.  That was the beginning of an incredible feeling.  That was when I realized that I could be beautiful not just sexy.  That was when I realized that looking healthy was a look I liked.  I excitedly showed my husband that evening when he got home from work.  I removed my clothes and showed him my ribs and collar bone.  He smiled and ever so sweetly told me I had never looked more beautiful and more like a woman.  That was the beginning of years of "sobriety".