child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, August 20, 2011

friends, new and old

It has been 5 months since I lost my best friend.  I have been blessed greatly by new friendships and one old friendship that have in some ways helped heal the hole that she left. That seriously just sounded like a break up line, but honestly, you cannot have been through 15+ years of friendship and not have a hole in your heart when that friendship sours. And though I am THRILLED with the amazing, encouraging, not let me get away with nonsense, (have I mentioned AMAZING?) friends that I have, sometimes I still miss having her on my side.  Sometimes there is still an ache that she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore.  I've been asked by a few people why it was so hard to lose her friendship.  Was I holding on to the past?  If she couldn't be supportive of me in this difficult time, do I really want her as my closest friend?  Could it have been the right thing to let go of the friendship?  And my answer is yes.  Yes it was the best thing overall for my heart, for my family, for me and apparently for her as well.  That didn't make it hurt less.

Jesus knew that the cross was what was best for those He loved but that didn't make Him eager for its pain.  He still asked God to take it away from Him.  He still endured humiliation, torture and death, simply because it was part of the overall plan.  Now please don't hear me saying that I think losing my best friend is like Jesus facing the cross.  I'm just saying that just because something is the best solution or the needed solution, doesn't mean it won't hurt.

My heart was torn to shreds when my dearest friend in the world decided that my struggles were finally just too much for her.  I cried rivers.  And though I am in a place of acceptance, sometimes, my heart still aches that, with everything our friendship had endured, it could not whether this storm as well.  But had it not happened the way it did, I would not have found the new friends who are so close and dear to me now.  Had it not happened, I may not have learned some valuable lessons about myself, who I am at my core.  And sadly, had it not happened I would have not learned some valuable lessons about her and her character.

Not to be a downer tonight.  I just was thinking about my friend who I spent the evening texting.  I was thinking about how out of the blue and a true blessing our friendship has been.  I was thinking that I don't feel defensive when she calls me out.  I was thinking that I feel understood and loved for who I am, not for who I could be.  And for a few moments, I was also wishing that I could have felt this loved and accepted by my best friend. 

I am so very grateful that God brings people into our lives in just His perfect timing.  I was thinking how lost and alone I felt 5 months ago and how glad I am to have several people who are true friends now.  I am so blessed to have accountability, love, and encouragement in my life.  I am so blessed to for the first time in a very long time to feel loved for who I am now not who I was years ago and not who I will become and not the image I portray. 


  1. That song is beautiful, and so is this whole post. It's so honest. It is definitely a very difficult thing to lose a friend, especially someone who you love and trusted with so much of yourself. It's tough to think that sometimes people cannot handle the full extent of our being .. that hurts.

    But I'm glad that you've been able to find trust and acceptance in other places, as well. I will never try to take the place of your best friend, nor could I. But you're right in that I absolutely love you unconditionally for who you ARE ... no strings attached :)

    You are such a blessing.

  2. thank you my friend. For some reason the lost friendship has been weighing on my heart this past week and it does still make me sad, though not overwhelmingly sad like at the beginning. I guess it is just what you said, that sometimes people cannot handle the full extent of our beings.

    It screams of rejection and abandonment when someone we love deeply cannot handle the full extent of our beings. It makes my hubby angry that there has been a large portion of sacrifice on my part and loving her through big garbage with this friend and then that she could not return that compassion and grace to me.

    I wouldn't ask you to fill those shoes, but I am ever so grateful for your friendship! You bless my life in uncountable ways. And you bring such joy to my days.

  3. Dawn, you're not the only one who has lost friends through this type of struggle. Although that's sad in its own right, I hope that makes you feel less alone, less singled out, less like there's something wrong with you. Friendships are imperfect because people are imperfect. Not just you...both people.

    I didn't lose a friendship forever from ED (though I temporarily lost one) but I did lose a very close friendship forever because of the other person's issues. It weighs on my heart so much still, because what kind of Christian example was I to walk away from him? Yet he wasn't being the kind of friend I needed (in fact, he wasn't being a friend at all and hadn't been for about a year) and I was going through a rough time. It was in my best interest to leave him; and I hope on some level that he understands because a good friend would always want your best interest. I still get sad thinking about it, though, because I loved being his friend when it was good and I hate thinking that he might feel how you feel here.

    Randomly, we talked for the first time in years this month when his grandpa died and I sent him a note about it, also saying that I was proud of where he is in his life (graduate school in a subject I know he cares about.) He wrote back saying he's proud of me and happy for me, too, and that really meant the world to me. We both care about one another still. Who knows? Maybe our friendship isn't over, though it would be odd at this point to revive it (just because of geographic differences.)

    All this to say--it's tough either way, being the rejected or the rejecter. As someone who has been the rejecter, I honestly just ask you to pray for that person's peace as well. It will bless you to do that as well as them. I am so glad you have found people that can lift you up as you continue to walk this path!