It has been 5 months since I lost my best friend. I have been blessed greatly by new friendships and one old friendship that have in some ways helped heal the hole that she left. That seriously just sounded like a break up line, but honestly, you cannot have been through 15+ years of friendship and not have a hole in your heart when that friendship sours. And though I am THRILLED with the amazing, encouraging, not let me get away with nonsense, (have I mentioned AMAZING?) friends that I have, sometimes I still miss having her on my side. Sometimes there is still an ache that she doesn't want to be a part of my life anymore. I've been asked by a few people why it was so hard to lose her friendship. Was I holding on to the past? If she couldn't be supportive of me in this difficult time, do I really want her as my closest friend? Could it have been the right thing to let go of the friendship? And my answer is yes. Yes it was the best thing overall for my heart, for my family, for me and apparently for her as well. That didn't make it hurt less.
Jesus knew that the cross was what was best for those He loved but that didn't make Him eager for its pain. He still asked God to take it away from Him. He still endured humiliation, torture and death, simply because it was part of the overall plan. Now please don't hear me saying that I think losing my best friend is like Jesus facing the cross. I'm just saying that just because something is the best solution or the needed solution, doesn't mean it won't hurt.
My heart was torn to shreds when my dearest friend in the world decided that my struggles were finally just too much for her. I cried rivers. And though I am in a place of acceptance, sometimes, my heart still aches that, with everything our friendship had endured, it could not whether this storm as well. But had it not happened the way it did, I would not have found the new friends who are so close and dear to me now. Had it not happened, I may not have learned some valuable lessons about myself, who I am at my core. And sadly, had it not happened I would have not learned some valuable lessons about her and her character.
Not to be a downer tonight. I just was thinking about my friend who I spent the evening texting. I was thinking about how out of the blue and a true blessing our friendship has been. I was thinking that I don't feel defensive when she calls me out. I was thinking that I feel understood and loved for who I am, not for who I could be. And for a few moments, I was also wishing that I could have felt this loved and accepted by my best friend.
I am so very grateful that God brings people into our lives in just His perfect timing. I was thinking how lost and alone I felt 5 months ago and how glad I am to have several people who are true friends now. I am so blessed to have accountability, love, and encouragement in my life. I am so blessed to for the first time in a very long time to feel loved for who I am now not who I was years ago and not who I will become and not the image I portray.