child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, December 30, 2010

should, need to, and survive

I haven't blogged for a bit.  I could say that it was because of the holidays, which would be partially true.  I could say it was because hubby has been on graveyard shifts for the past 3 weeks, which again would be partially true.  I could even say that my kids have had a heck of a time going to bed with daddy gone and bedtime has taken hours every night, which, once again, would be partially true.  Or I could just tell you the truth that I am in survival mode and don't really feel much like exposing my heart right now.  I am eating dinner tonight at the request of should's and need to's and love for my husband.  I have however passed the point of caring about dinner.  Should have eaten before date night, I suppose, when I still wanted to eat.  Food is a daily decision for me.  I liked the days when it came naturally better.  Making a concentrated effort to eat regularly is getting old.  I guess maybe should's aren't always a bad thing; after all, they have me eating.......or at least trying.

Monday, December 20, 2010

But I'm a mom

So today I was given the assignment of finding ways to pamper myself to help prevent the anxiety from becoming full blown.  Ideas included a hot bath, listening to music, and anything that is done for ME.  So I came home determined to do something for me.  And so I sit here typing with the fingernails on my right hand "Honeymoon Red".  Why just my right hand?  Well any mom can tell you that to paint both hands while the kids are awake will most definitely end in disaster and ruined nails.  It's been years since I've painted my nails.  Why?  Because I just don't have time in the midst of taking care of everyone to worry about my nails.  But I am sending my kids a very wrong message that I don't need to be taken care of.  Of course I have responsibilities and need to care for my family, but what do I teach them if I never take the time to take care of myself as part of my family?  So it may be one hand at a time and rather slowly, but today I'm going to have bright red Christmasy fingernails.  Why? Simply because it made me smile to buy nail polish called "Honeymoon Red".  I hope that counts as pampering me because it surely feels like a big splurge!

Thursday, December 16, 2010


I've been having panic attacks the past few days.  Only one was really bad to the point of having vision changes and hyperventilating.  I have, however, had to concentrate a lot on breathing lately.  I feel the panic coming on and have to remind myself to keep breathing steadily.  Hubby thinks food is a contributing factor.  How do I tell him I know it is?  Food has been a difficult subject for the last couple of weeks. Not nearly as bad as I was when I went to the hospital.  Not counting every calorie and freaking out about it.  Just not feeling like eating.  Not actually trying to deprive myself but not feeling like indulging myself either.  I don't really want to talk about it either.  If it stays in my head, it isn't real.  Yet here on paper, I can glaringly see how real it is.  I want to hide inside my shell and pretend it is still all ok and still getting better.  It would only be pretending though.  I know its not ok, I just don't want to acknowledge it yet.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

expletive not deleted

I need to be in the car taking my son to school but I was just overcome by such powerful emotions that I had to take a second to breathe.  First let me tell you that if swearing offends you, skip this post because I am going to write it as I just said it to myself.  Last night my mom cornered me to talk about generational curses again.  She started talking about shame and disgrace towards women.  I started shutting down, smiling and nodding.  This morning in the shower my mind replayed her saying that.  And this rush of words came tumbling out of my mouth....

You have no idea what shame and disgrace is.  Shame and disgrace is being violently fucked over and over as a child.  Shame and disgrace is living in constant terror of someone who should be safe.  Shame and disgrace is an asshole threatening you that he will tie you up naked on the swing set and leave you there if you don't comply with his disgusting demands.  Shame and disgrace is taking a double portion, in front of a girl younger than I, to protect her from his hands.  Don't talk to me about shame and disgrace.

I am shaking with rage.  These emotions are almost overpowering.  And all I can think is, "How DARE she talk to me like she thinks she understands when she doesn't even KNOW most of it!?!"

Sunday, December 12, 2010

the quiet voice of courage

I bought a magnet at the bookstore last week.  It says, "Courage does not always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day that says 'I will try again tomorrow'."  Today courage speaks quietly.  Today there is no roar.  Today if I didn't know courage could be quiet, I'd be entirely certain that I have none.  Tomorrow I will try again.  Today I failed miserably but I will choose the courage to keep on trying until it is no longer a battle to triumph.  I don't for a second understand why people tell me I am courageous.  I feel like a coward.  I guess I'm just shocked that people think because I share my story that I have courage.  I certainly don't feel like it.  Today I feel like a failure, like a coward, annoyed, violated, insecure, and exhausted.  Tomorrow, however, I will try again.  Tomorrow I will get back on my horse and ride again, even if I fall off tomorrow too. 

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


spending the day listening to "Beautiful" by Mercy Me.  Words I need to hear!  It isn't days will come when you don't have the strength, it's days are here.  When all I hear is "you're not worth anything".  Trying to keep in mind today that I am treasured, I am sacred, I am His, I'm beautiful.  Some days repetition is the only hope I have to get it through my thick skull, today is one of them.  If you come to my house today you will see a mess and hear the song "Beautiful" over and over and over again.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

10 lbs, seriously??????

Quick update as to direction for prayers.  Today I went to the doctors for a med's check.  First of all the nurse had to ask if I was breathing when she did my oxygen levels because the levels were low.  I wasn't breathing, I was panicing.  She had just weighed me and I have gained 10 lbs since my last visit in early October.  How on earth???????  My doctor says I am in the normal range, perfect weight.  I reminded her that I was in the normal range last time and that was 10lbs lighter!  She told me that I was in the very low end of the normal range then and now am smack in the middle, right where she wants me to be.  It may be healthy, but it is still scary!  I was honest enough to tell her my meds aren't working the best.  One of them I hate and only take a couple of times a week because I hate how it makes me feel.  And oddly enough I even told her of some of the stuff that stays in my head, not for public viewing.  She decided that it sounds like I need to try a new med.  I should be doing well not just barely stable with some great days and some extrememly low days.  My good days are still really good, my bad days are still really bad. Meals have already been a struggle for me for the last week, today did not make it any easier.  I have been eating when my family is eating but I don't make anything for just me during the day.  I am tired.  All the time I am exhausted.  Food doesn't seem to be the bigger priority at the moment, I'd rather sleep.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

If they truly saw your heart

Writing.  Hmmmm, that's been a big subject lately.  Seems like so many people are asking me about writing.  Why am I afraid of my writing?  It is easily my biggest outlet and source of comfort.  Carol asked if I have ever thought about my writing helping others.  Hubby asks why I am afraid of being published.  Is it simply a fear of rejection like they both say? The song "Beautiful" by Mercy Me comes to mind.  The line that says

if they truly saw your heart, they'd see too much

I reveal quite a bit of my struggle in my writing.  Yet there is a huge part that is withdrawn.  If you think you know me because you read my writing, you do.  And you don't.  There is so much within my heart that I do not write.  There is so much within me that I just don't know how to express on paper.  Maybe that is the raw, unprocessed me since writing is how I process life.  Writing also makes things so final.  Like for instance, dealing with depression and anorexia was only a battle in my mind until my medical chart said it.  Now it is on paper for any of my doctors to see.  It doesn't by any means define me but it does add a certain amount of hard reality (as opposed to mental reality) to my life.  If I write the things in my heart, they are no longer things in my heart, they are hard realities.  How is it possible that I can be so open and yet so closed at the same time?  I freely give the information when asked, but I still hold a large amount sacred inside my heart.  I give information like it is a fact but not with the emotions that are felt.  The emotions are reserved for when I am alone.  The story is for anyone to see.  How do I bridge that gap?  And is writing really my calling and I'm just afraid or is it just my outlet to help me process this crazy journey?

told you today would be better

Yes, it is true, today is much better than yesterday.  I feel less like a Scrooge and more like myself as far as Christmas is concerned.  I have been able to bless 3 different people today with random acts of kindness.  We spent a good portion of the day as a family with our friends.  The time was refreshing, not to mention productive.  I am still annoyed but I'm not angry.  I woke up this morning before the kids and hubby was already awake.  I looked outside and mentioned that I really wanted to curl up on the couch with a cup of coffee and a good novel.  Instead this morning I was annoyed with my kids that the house was such a mess that I couldn't feel right about sitting down to read and annoyed with my circumstances because I wanted to read for fun and yet the book I am reading right now is one Carol gave me to read and it is for recovery not entertainment.  Haven't had much desire to eat the last couple of days but haven't specifically avoided meals either.  I have missed a few but I have eaten when I'm with people.  Rough? Yes.  Managable? Yes.  God is still good and still on His throne?  ABSOLUTELY!

Friday, December 3, 2010

Today sucks

Today I feel angry.  I don't care if it isn't one of the primary emotions, it is a very powerful secondary emotion and I feel it!  I guess I should start with saying that nothing new has happened to cause me to be angry.  Today I want to throw a temper tantrum.  Today I want to cuss.  Today I want to isolate.  I went to my dear friends house today for a half hour.  It was a well spent half hour.  This morning we both felt like crawling back under the covers and hiding.  Sounds like a perfect time to get together.  That was my attempt at not isolating.  I thought I had a bunch of big stuff to deal with but have come to realize that I have more to deal with on how the big stuff was handled.  I want to hit something.  I want to yell.  I want to scream.  I got a letter from my former therapist saying that she was leaving the EDC to go back to inpatient, adolescent care.  I even felt angry about that.  I wanted to rip the letter up.  I was angry with the way she had handled me.  I was annoyed that I felt disrespected and minimized when I saw her.  I was annoyed that when getting help was at a crucial point for me, she was who I found and she didn't help me at all.  I'm annoyed that everyone is happy because though I want to have Christmas spirit, I am finding myself in a funk.  I really want to be an enjoyable person.  I really want to love Christmas as much as I know I do, I just am not feeling it at all today.  I'm tired of working to get through it.  I want to wave a magic wand and be better.  Why does everything worthwhile take work and time?  Today sucks, tomorrow will be better.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

helpful resource

Just as I started to blog, I hear the sound of my little one overhead, climbing out of bed.  So instead of blogging, I'm just going to link and go get my guy back to bed.  Carol gave me a website with lots of valuable information on eating disorders.  I particularly like that it states that the symptoms are not always obvious and that an anorexic could be overweight or a compulsive eater underweight.  The outside appearance doesn't always reflect the internal battle.  The website is  I am not typically a fan of websites and I would say use a search engine only with extreme caution but I did check this one out since it was referred by my therapist.  It is very pro-recovery.  Very validating for those of us who struggle, and very informational for those who love us and desire to see us get healthy again.