My anxiety has been really high for the past month or so. Last week it caused me to call in sick to work one day. Something needs to change. I need to be fully functional. As anxiety mounts, it becomes increasingly easier to not eat enough. I'm still eating, don't fret. It's just easy to not eat as much as I should. My stomach is so twisted in knots that eating is actually difficult.
I'm saying this not to make you worry, but to hold myself accountable. I have found a natural supplement called Confianza that helps tremendously with the anxiety when I take it. I need to start taking it regularly again. I let the anxiety get so high that I am incapable of getting up and going to grab it out of the cupboard. Hubby has a few times asked if I needed it, grabbed it and brought it to me when I can simply nod with tears flowing down my cheeks but can't move to get it.
I need to start taking it daily again to help bring the anxiety down and make my life functional again. I need to stop waiting until I'm hyperventilating and starting to go into panic mode to take it. What's the phrase, an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure?
I most definitely need to get the anxiety under control, anxious thoughts also make orange thoughts really loud. It seems so easy to try to gain control through food. Though I know fully that not getting proper nutrition makes the anxiety worse, sometimes in the midst of it that is hard to remember. Just because I know this doesn't seem to mean that is how I handle it in the actual situation.
I am grateful for the prayers. I can tell you there have been days that I am certain it was God's grace through the prayers of others that has carried me through the day. I know this too shall pass. I also know the longer it takes to pass the harder it is to wait for the light at the end of the tunnel. This has been longer than usual and standing strong is getting harder. Please pray that the peace of God that surpasses our understanding will guard my heart and mind.
I am still recovering, although I hate that fact. I want to say 3 years should equal full recovery but I know that isn't true. The healthy times are easier and not usually a concentrated effort. The hard times are still a struggle though. A struggle that I had hoped I'd be past by now. I'm trying to be patient with myself. I'm trying to be patient with the work that God has started in me because I know He will carry it through and not leave me stuck in the middle.
I love you guys. And I love the role you have played in my recovery. Thanks. Let's keep recovering together.
Showing posts with label pray. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pray. Show all posts
Monday, October 28, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
recovery or recovering
Today I feel like I am "doing recovery" rather than recovering. I think you have to have experienced recovery in some form for that to fully make sense. I am tired. But I'm tired because I'm depressed not because I haven't gotten enough sleep.
Yesterday, once again, I begged God to heal me. I promised Him the world, just make this heaviness go away. PLEASE! Instead He filled my ride to work with songs about trusting God even through the pain, songs about how His love doesn't fail us even through the dark times, songs of reassurance but no songs of healing.
So once again, with a heavy heart, I am asked to trust what I cannot feel. And I do. And I will. Even if the heaviness never leaves, He is God and He is good.
I saw this on Facebook last week. I have to share it because it is true.
Yeah, I really am glad. I'm glad you're here still. I'm even glad I'm here still. Keep pressing on. Keep hanging on. Keep doing recovery even when you feel like you are doing recovery not recovering. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep doing the next right thing. And next year we can all gather around each other and be glad that we are still here.
Yesterday, once again, I begged God to heal me. I promised Him the world, just make this heaviness go away. PLEASE! Instead He filled my ride to work with songs about trusting God even through the pain, songs about how His love doesn't fail us even through the dark times, songs of reassurance but no songs of healing.
So once again, with a heavy heart, I am asked to trust what I cannot feel. And I do. And I will. Even if the heaviness never leaves, He is God and He is good.
I saw this on Facebook last week. I have to share it because it is true.
Yeah, I really am glad. I'm glad you're here still. I'm even glad I'm here still. Keep pressing on. Keep hanging on. Keep doing recovery even when you feel like you are doing recovery not recovering. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Keep doing the next right thing. And next year we can all gather around each other and be glad that we are still here.
Monday, October 15, 2012
walking throught the muck with my kids
Friday the news broke that the body they found was indeed the body of the missing little girl. Friday my son spent the night at a friends house. Friday the friend's mom told my son that the girl had been found. Friday she told him that the body had been dismembered. Saturday I had to pick up the pieces of a very broken little boy.
Wouldn't you think that maybe it isn't ok to tell other people's kids big news like that? Or maybe send me a text if he was asking questions to ask if I minded if she talked to him about it? Or at minimum, TELL ME that she talked to him so that I know what he knows so I have a starting point when he breaks down in my arms?
We believe that our kids should hear from us whenever possible the things they need to know. We tell our kids hard things because we want to be able to help them process their emotions in a safe place. We would have talked about this with him. We talked to our kids about the theater shooting. We talked about the little girl being missing and the reasons we have certain outside rules in place. We talk about sex and answer uncomfortable questions. We answer all of their questions when we are asked, even if the answer, like this time, is "I don't know. I don't understand either."
Maybe that is why it made me angry that someone else handled it. I know it will get talked about at school. My son is in the same age range as the little girl was. He and his friends have been talking about it. I just wanted him to hear the big part from me and dad. I wanted him to be in a safe place that he could completely loose his temper and punch his pillow and scream and cry and do all of the things that he did when he got home to the safety of his room. I wanted to be there to hold him when he asked through his sobs why someone would do that.
This morning I asked his little brother what they talk about at school. He told me at lunch that they talk about the bad guy who broke into the theater. He told me they talk about the missing girl. I told him the missing girl was found, that someone had hurt her, that someone had killed her. He asked me why that person would steal her if they were just going to kill her. I told him I don't know. He doesn't have the same details that his big brother has. He doesn't need the same details that his big brother has. But he knows that he can ask us questions if he has them. He knows home is a safe place to feel what you need to feel. But it isn't affecting him in the same way as it is affecting his brother.
This parenting stuff is hard. Helping my kids to feel the emotions that they need to feel and to walk alongside of them as they process is important. It is also hard. I understand why some parents choose to not talk to their kids about issues. It is painful. It hurts to see pieces of your child's innocence taken away. It is a very helpless kind of feeling to have your son break down into gut wrenching sobs in your arms and know that you can't make it better. It is very humbling to have no words of comfort and to only be able to pray that the Lord will bring us His comfort.
Wouldn't you think that maybe it isn't ok to tell other people's kids big news like that? Or maybe send me a text if he was asking questions to ask if I minded if she talked to him about it? Or at minimum, TELL ME that she talked to him so that I know what he knows so I have a starting point when he breaks down in my arms?
We believe that our kids should hear from us whenever possible the things they need to know. We tell our kids hard things because we want to be able to help them process their emotions in a safe place. We would have talked about this with him. We talked to our kids about the theater shooting. We talked about the little girl being missing and the reasons we have certain outside rules in place. We talk about sex and answer uncomfortable questions. We answer all of their questions when we are asked, even if the answer, like this time, is "I don't know. I don't understand either."
Maybe that is why it made me angry that someone else handled it. I know it will get talked about at school. My son is in the same age range as the little girl was. He and his friends have been talking about it. I just wanted him to hear the big part from me and dad. I wanted him to be in a safe place that he could completely loose his temper and punch his pillow and scream and cry and do all of the things that he did when he got home to the safety of his room. I wanted to be there to hold him when he asked through his sobs why someone would do that.
This morning I asked his little brother what they talk about at school. He told me at lunch that they talk about the bad guy who broke into the theater. He told me they talk about the missing girl. I told him the missing girl was found, that someone had hurt her, that someone had killed her. He asked me why that person would steal her if they were just going to kill her. I told him I don't know. He doesn't have the same details that his big brother has. He doesn't need the same details that his big brother has. But he knows that he can ask us questions if he has them. He knows home is a safe place to feel what you need to feel. But it isn't affecting him in the same way as it is affecting his brother.
This parenting stuff is hard. Helping my kids to feel the emotions that they need to feel and to walk alongside of them as they process is important. It is also hard. I understand why some parents choose to not talk to their kids about issues. It is painful. It hurts to see pieces of your child's innocence taken away. It is a very helpless kind of feeling to have your son break down into gut wrenching sobs in your arms and know that you can't make it better. It is very humbling to have no words of comfort and to only be able to pray that the Lord will bring us His comfort.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
HR confessions and more
I've had so many thoughts attacking my brain that I haven't even known where to start or the words to say to debrief. Sunday was a beautiful day of worship at church. For a while I was able to bask in the presence of the Almighty. I was able to worship without reservation. For a few moments and for a few hours later, I felt at peace. I felt that my life really mattered. I knew that my sole purpose in life is to bring glory and honor to the Lord, to reflect Him and the work He is doing in my life. For a few moments, the size of my body didn't matter and didn't even cross my mind.
Today was a rough day. Nothing specific, just felt like going through the motions was like waking through mud today. I am so grateful for those moments in time, like Sunday, when I feel the Lord's presence so profoundly. Those moments carry me through the rest of the days when I struggle desperately. Today I didn't feel God, not even once but times like Sunday remind me that He is there even though I don't feel His presence.
Is it completely wrong for the girl who loves God, who believes He is good even when life isn't, who works for a Christian ministry, to say things like I didn't feel God today? Does that mean, as was so often told to me growing up, that I don't really trust Him because I don't always feel Him? Does it make my faith less if I share my doubts and fears? I don't know the answer. I do know though that on days like today, I have to hold on to what I know to be true not what I feel to be true.
Today brought the opportunity to talk to the HR person at my work. I really like her and I trust her. I went into her office and told her about my concerns with the health class that our work is sponsoring being either triggering or enabling to me. She is the only person at my work who I have told that I struggle to eat, that I have major depressive disorder, and that some days going though the motions is overwhelming.
I told her I don't want to make this public knowledge at the moment. I don't want my plate analyzed by every person in the office. I don't want the calorie police hovering over me and worrying even when I'm doing ok. (I told Hubby that calories are the little bastards that hide in your closet and sew your clothes smaller while you sleep. He laughed. And that is completely off subject and random. :) )
On a food note, I'm both struggling and doing well. I'm maintaining but at the moment the thoughts are pretty aggressive. Like for instance, I had my physical recently. My weight was satisfactory. My ideal however, I realized in reading through my journal, is 5 lbs lighter than what my ideal was this time last year. I feel the viciousness of the cycle that insists that no matter how much you lose, it isn't good enough for Orange.
My doctor allowed me to opt out of the metabolism screening which is good, that is always very triggering to me. So I didn't have the extent of numbers to contend with that I usually have but I still had the scale numbers to contend with. I still had questions from the new nurse wondering if I'm eating enough calories. I told her yes. And then I told her that I'm not counting them so I suppose I'm getting enough. When I'm counting them I know I'm not getting enough.
For the TMI part but it does show how distorted Orange can be.... Before my physical I had a severe kidney infection. The medicine I had to take for it backed up my bowels a LOT. The doctor recommended some different products to help cleanse my colon without being laxatives. It took several days to get back to being able to go. Then for a day it turned into diarrhea and I stopped taking the supplements. Today I contemplated starting them again. The conversation in my head went something like this:
Keep taking it. A little diarrhea shouldn't be enough to stop you. You can still be in control but really, isn't the diarrhea worth it for what it will do to flatten out your stomach?
And just that quickly the battle is raging again. In my actions I am still pursuing recovery. I am still striving to beat the voice in my head. Sadly though, that voice isn't little and it torments me day and night right now. I covet your prayers right now as the voices are really loud. Please pray for strength for the battle and peace for my heart.
There is still so much more but I've already made this really long and also it is getting very late and I need to attempt to sleep. I need rest so I can be productive at work tomorrow.
Today was a rough day. Nothing specific, just felt like going through the motions was like waking through mud today. I am so grateful for those moments in time, like Sunday, when I feel the Lord's presence so profoundly. Those moments carry me through the rest of the days when I struggle desperately. Today I didn't feel God, not even once but times like Sunday remind me that He is there even though I don't feel His presence.
Is it completely wrong for the girl who loves God, who believes He is good even when life isn't, who works for a Christian ministry, to say things like I didn't feel God today? Does that mean, as was so often told to me growing up, that I don't really trust Him because I don't always feel Him? Does it make my faith less if I share my doubts and fears? I don't know the answer. I do know though that on days like today, I have to hold on to what I know to be true not what I feel to be true.
Today brought the opportunity to talk to the HR person at my work. I really like her and I trust her. I went into her office and told her about my concerns with the health class that our work is sponsoring being either triggering or enabling to me. She is the only person at my work who I have told that I struggle to eat, that I have major depressive disorder, and that some days going though the motions is overwhelming.
I told her I don't want to make this public knowledge at the moment. I don't want my plate analyzed by every person in the office. I don't want the calorie police hovering over me and worrying even when I'm doing ok. (I told Hubby that calories are the little bastards that hide in your closet and sew your clothes smaller while you sleep. He laughed. And that is completely off subject and random. :) )
On a food note, I'm both struggling and doing well. I'm maintaining but at the moment the thoughts are pretty aggressive. Like for instance, I had my physical recently. My weight was satisfactory. My ideal however, I realized in reading through my journal, is 5 lbs lighter than what my ideal was this time last year. I feel the viciousness of the cycle that insists that no matter how much you lose, it isn't good enough for Orange.
My doctor allowed me to opt out of the metabolism screening which is good, that is always very triggering to me. So I didn't have the extent of numbers to contend with that I usually have but I still had the scale numbers to contend with. I still had questions from the new nurse wondering if I'm eating enough calories. I told her yes. And then I told her that I'm not counting them so I suppose I'm getting enough. When I'm counting them I know I'm not getting enough.
For the TMI part but it does show how distorted Orange can be.... Before my physical I had a severe kidney infection. The medicine I had to take for it backed up my bowels a LOT. The doctor recommended some different products to help cleanse my colon without being laxatives. It took several days to get back to being able to go. Then for a day it turned into diarrhea and I stopped taking the supplements. Today I contemplated starting them again. The conversation in my head went something like this:
You should finish the full 14 days
No, I don't want to deal with cramping stomach and emergency trips to the bathroom
Yes, but think of the weight you are losing in cleansing
But the goal of cleansing is to be healthy and get my system jump started a little to get back in the swing of things, it isn't supposed to be about the weightKeep taking it. A little diarrhea shouldn't be enough to stop you. You can still be in control but really, isn't the diarrhea worth it for what it will do to flatten out your stomach?
And just that quickly the battle is raging again. In my actions I am still pursuing recovery. I am still striving to beat the voice in my head. Sadly though, that voice isn't little and it torments me day and night right now. I covet your prayers right now as the voices are really loud. Please pray for strength for the battle and peace for my heart.
There is still so much more but I've already made this really long and also it is getting very late and I need to attempt to sleep. I need rest so I can be productive at work tomorrow.
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
on the road again
I'm enjoying a glass of red wine and chilling out in front of the computer. I'd like to be listening to only the sounds of my typing and the fan gently blowing but instead I'm listening to the sound of my kids kicking their walls and playing instead of sleeping. Usually that pisses me off, tonight it just annoys me. I know that someday I'm going to miss the days when they were supposed to be sleeping in the next room over.
I gave a teaser in my last post so I thought I'd fill you all in. Hubby is on the job hunt. It is a little scary and exciting all at the same time. The short version of the story is that the company he has worked for for nearly nine years is going in a different direction. It has become clear to us that it is time to move on. He is leaving on mutually good terms, he's not angry with the company and three of the managers are writing him letters of reference.
With the new direction the company is taking, Hubby can either change to change with the company and be miserable at his job or he can move on. He and I and his managers agree that it is time to move on. He gave his notice yesterday. His last day will be September 12. He's not being fired but he is being forced out.
I almost feel like I should be mad but I'm not. I'm ready. For eight years he loved his job. For this past year he has not enjoyed it at all and it has taken a toll on him physically and emotionally. And when he has a toll taken, it naturally takes a toll on me as well.
I'm excited to see him move on. I'm terrified to see him move on. I'm excited for a new season. I'm scared that it may be a difficult transition. I'm at peace because I know it is the right move for him and for us as a family. I'm at peace because I believe God has His hand over us and that this is part of His plan. I'm scared because I don't know what is next.
My fight is going well. I still have the thoughts, the voices that beg me to go back. Right now though I want this healthy(er) life more than I want that sick and disordered life. Right now I can fight. Right now I can lean into the arms of my Savior and trust He has me in His hands. Right now though it is still a fight, it is a smaller battle. For that I am so grateful. I'm so glad that me eating isn't a worry on Hubby's plate while he looks for work. I'm praying for continued strength for my journey.
I gave a teaser in my last post so I thought I'd fill you all in. Hubby is on the job hunt. It is a little scary and exciting all at the same time. The short version of the story is that the company he has worked for for nearly nine years is going in a different direction. It has become clear to us that it is time to move on. He is leaving on mutually good terms, he's not angry with the company and three of the managers are writing him letters of reference.
With the new direction the company is taking, Hubby can either change to change with the company and be miserable at his job or he can move on. He and I and his managers agree that it is time to move on. He gave his notice yesterday. His last day will be September 12. He's not being fired but he is being forced out.
I almost feel like I should be mad but I'm not. I'm ready. For eight years he loved his job. For this past year he has not enjoyed it at all and it has taken a toll on him physically and emotionally. And when he has a toll taken, it naturally takes a toll on me as well.
I'm excited to see him move on. I'm terrified to see him move on. I'm excited for a new season. I'm scared that it may be a difficult transition. I'm at peace because I know it is the right move for him and for us as a family. I'm at peace because I believe God has His hand over us and that this is part of His plan. I'm scared because I don't know what is next.
My fight is going well. I still have the thoughts, the voices that beg me to go back. Right now though I want this healthy(er) life more than I want that sick and disordered life. Right now I can fight. Right now I can lean into the arms of my Savior and trust He has me in His hands. Right now though it is still a fight, it is a smaller battle. For that I am so grateful. I'm so glad that me eating isn't a worry on Hubby's plate while he looks for work. I'm praying for continued strength for my journey.
Friday, July 20, 2012
we're safe
I was awakened by a phone call around 4:30. My dear sweet friend. The friend that a few weeks ago I told you was being evacuated from the fire area. It's 4:30, of course something is wrong. No one calls at that time when things are ok. She was hysterical. I couldn't understand a word she said. After several minutes I finally was able to gather the story.
Shooting.
Yeah, I said it. The shooting at the Aurora theater that you are waking up to hearing about, it happened near my house. She was supposed to be there. Her friends invited her. She contemplated it and then decided tonight that she was too tired to make the hour drive tonight to come up to hang out with her friends. After all, she would have to make the hour drive home as well because she has to work this morning.
My husband and younger boys were at this theater just hours before. Logically my mind says that my family was fine. The shooting happened during the premier of the new Batman. That in a sick and twisted way can make sense. No one is going to start shooting in Madagascar 3, that doesn't make sense in any way. But I still feel stunned and shocked. What if it had been my family? What if it had been 4 hours earlier when my family was there?
I feel sick. My oldest son saw the new Spiderman movie a couple of weeks ago at this theater, late at night with a friend and his family. What if it had happened then? 12 dead. 10 died at the scene. 2 died in hospitals. 50+ wounded. They are reporting that the youngest patient is 3 months old but people are spread out in hospitals across the city. That may not be an accurate statement. But several eye witnesses said they saw a baby get shot.
A baby. My friend's friend who was there said the worst part was a little girl, maybe 6 years old, screaming and crying hysterically. What is wrong with people??????? The suspect is in custody. I'm glad he is custody. I live far too close to feel ok with a roaming suspect. My family is safe. My friends are safe. And I am not ok right now.
I'm praying right now for the families who had to say goodbye far too soon. I'm praying for the people who were injured. I'm praying for the people who were there who were in different theaters. I'm praying for my friend who was supposed to be there. I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for the words to say when my kids ask me about this. I'm praying with a very broken heart.
Shooting.
Yeah, I said it. The shooting at the Aurora theater that you are waking up to hearing about, it happened near my house. She was supposed to be there. Her friends invited her. She contemplated it and then decided tonight that she was too tired to make the hour drive tonight to come up to hang out with her friends. After all, she would have to make the hour drive home as well because she has to work this morning.
My husband and younger boys were at this theater just hours before. Logically my mind says that my family was fine. The shooting happened during the premier of the new Batman. That in a sick and twisted way can make sense. No one is going to start shooting in Madagascar 3, that doesn't make sense in any way. But I still feel stunned and shocked. What if it had been my family? What if it had been 4 hours earlier when my family was there?
I feel sick. My oldest son saw the new Spiderman movie a couple of weeks ago at this theater, late at night with a friend and his family. What if it had happened then? 12 dead. 10 died at the scene. 2 died in hospitals. 50+ wounded. They are reporting that the youngest patient is 3 months old but people are spread out in hospitals across the city. That may not be an accurate statement. But several eye witnesses said they saw a baby get shot.
A baby. My friend's friend who was there said the worst part was a little girl, maybe 6 years old, screaming and crying hysterically. What is wrong with people??????? The suspect is in custody. I'm glad he is custody. I live far too close to feel ok with a roaming suspect. My family is safe. My friends are safe. And I am not ok right now.
I'm praying right now for the families who had to say goodbye far too soon. I'm praying for the people who were injured. I'm praying for the people who were there who were in different theaters. I'm praying for my friend who was supposed to be there. I'm praying for peace. I'm praying for the words to say when my kids ask me about this. I'm praying with a very broken heart.
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Fire
My beautiful state is on fire. I hate this. We haven't had wildfires like this in 10 years and these are worse than even then. One in particular has me feeling sick to my stomach. My dear friend, the one who would be the legal guardian of my children if something happened to both me and Hubby, is in the path of this particular fire.
The fire above is about a half mile from her work and about three and a half miles from her apartment. She is one of those you are hearing about under mandatory evacuation. Yesterday it was voluntary evac, today it is mandatory.
One of the fires is just less than an hours drive south from me, to a place Hubby and I have visited regularly. Another of those fires is about 40 minutes drive west from me.
My home isn't in the fire path but my beautiful state is being ravished by fires that won't stop and wind that is carrying those fires farther. There are 26 wildfires in the United States tonight, 12 of them are in Colorado.
You can smell the smoke in town now. The view, once gorgeous, is now hazy with smoke. It breaks my heart. My childhood sanctuaries are being threatened by flames. And there isn't any rain at all predicted in the 10 day forcast and only 2 days that will be below 90.
It makes me feel sick. Honestly, it scares me a little bit even though I'm not directly in the fire path. I want to cry, and not just because the smoke has my eyes watering and stinging.
I'm worried for my friend. I'm worried for her safety, mentally as well as physically.
PLEASE PRAY THAT THE WIND WILL STOP AND THAT WE WILL GET RAIN!
The fire above is about a half mile from her work and about three and a half miles from her apartment. She is one of those you are hearing about under mandatory evacuation. Yesterday it was voluntary evac, today it is mandatory.
One of the fires is just less than an hours drive south from me, to a place Hubby and I have visited regularly. Another of those fires is about 40 minutes drive west from me.
My home isn't in the fire path but my beautiful state is being ravished by fires that won't stop and wind that is carrying those fires farther. There are 26 wildfires in the United States tonight, 12 of them are in Colorado.
You can smell the smoke in town now. The view, once gorgeous, is now hazy with smoke. It breaks my heart. My childhood sanctuaries are being threatened by flames. And there isn't any rain at all predicted in the 10 day forcast and only 2 days that will be below 90.
It makes me feel sick. Honestly, it scares me a little bit even though I'm not directly in the fire path. I want to cry, and not just because the smoke has my eyes watering and stinging.
I'm worried for my friend. I'm worried for her safety, mentally as well as physically.
PLEASE PRAY THAT THE WIND WILL STOP AND THAT WE WILL GET RAIN!
Sunday, April 22, 2012
old territory from a new perspective
There is something really big weighing on my mind. For the first time I have to deal with the reality of childhood sexual abuse as an adult. I have friends who are dealing with big stuff right now. There has been sexual impropriety between their young children that will result in a foster child needing to be placed with a different family.
As the little girl who wasn't protected, I am so grateful for the steps being taken to protect the other children in the home. On behalf of those children, I want to hug the parents and social workers and say thank you for stopping it while it is still impropriety before it becomes full fledged abuse. I want to hold the child affected by the actions and never let go.
As a parent, I ache for my friends. I can only imagine the pain of having to say goodbye to this child who has been part of their family and they were trying to adopt to make him forever a part of their family. I cry thinking of having to say goodbye to one child in order to protect another. I cry thinking about needing to protect the other.
As someone who loves this child dearly, I want to hug him tight. I want to make the wounds of the past better. We don't know what his past held, but based on some of his incidents, I would guarantee that he was exposed to some form of sexual inappropriateness. I want him to be free of this. I don't want to see him labeled as the bad guy. I don't want to see him grow up, never dealing with whatever it is that has gone on, or for him to become the attacker. I love him and I want the best for him. I love him and I want him to have a family who loves him as much as he has been loved by my friends.
And selfishly, I ache because the child we have to say goodbye to is my sons best friend. I don't want to have to tell him that his best friend is moving away but best friend's family is staying, that we will still see the family multiple times a week but the family will be minus his best friend. How do I explain this to my son? How do I tell him and not have him fearing that he will have to go live with a new family if he is naughty? How do I comfort my son when he has to hear that his best friend has moved away when this is the child I get asked DAILY if we can play with?
There are a lot of emotions going on inside me right now. I bounce back and forth among them. There is no good answer. It hurts. It hurts on so many different levels and in so many different ways. As I told Hubby yesterday, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to walk through it, much less how to guide my children through it. And I'm scared.
As the little girl who wasn't protected, I am so grateful for the steps being taken to protect the other children in the home. On behalf of those children, I want to hug the parents and social workers and say thank you for stopping it while it is still impropriety before it becomes full fledged abuse. I want to hold the child affected by the actions and never let go.
As a parent, I ache for my friends. I can only imagine the pain of having to say goodbye to this child who has been part of their family and they were trying to adopt to make him forever a part of their family. I cry thinking of having to say goodbye to one child in order to protect another. I cry thinking about needing to protect the other.
As someone who loves this child dearly, I want to hug him tight. I want to make the wounds of the past better. We don't know what his past held, but based on some of his incidents, I would guarantee that he was exposed to some form of sexual inappropriateness. I want him to be free of this. I don't want to see him labeled as the bad guy. I don't want to see him grow up, never dealing with whatever it is that has gone on, or for him to become the attacker. I love him and I want the best for him. I love him and I want him to have a family who loves him as much as he has been loved by my friends.
And selfishly, I ache because the child we have to say goodbye to is my sons best friend. I don't want to have to tell him that his best friend is moving away but best friend's family is staying, that we will still see the family multiple times a week but the family will be minus his best friend. How do I explain this to my son? How do I tell him and not have him fearing that he will have to go live with a new family if he is naughty? How do I comfort my son when he has to hear that his best friend has moved away when this is the child I get asked DAILY if we can play with?
There are a lot of emotions going on inside me right now. I bounce back and forth among them. There is no good answer. It hurts. It hurts on so many different levels and in so many different ways. As I told Hubby yesterday, I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to walk through it, much less how to guide my children through it. And I'm scared.
**** to my dear friend, I remained as vague as possible, not sharing names or specifics. But if you read this and I have said more than I
should legally or more than you are comfortable with, please let me know
and I will delete this post. I had to process what I was feeling
before it swept me away and this was the easiest outlet tonight. *****
Saturday, December 10, 2011
my niece
It has been a stressful couple of days. I called my mom-in-law yesterday and learned that one of my nieces is in the psych hospital. Again. She called 911, said she felt unstable, like she was going to hurt herself. The ambulance took her to Children's Hospital where she stayed for several hours before being transferred to the mental hospital. This isn't her first merry go round with this. Her life's timeline could almost be told from trauma to trauma, from suicidal intentions to hospital stays to cutting to running away to hospital stays.
This time feels different to me. Something about this time feels very disconcerting to me. Something feels very, very wrong this time. I know some view her as just wanting attention. I don't. She is a hurt young lady. Sure, I guess there is some need to get attention in all of this. But I get angry that her parents refuse to see her hurt. Her step mom insists that she is just an angry teenager with no legitimate problems. Her dad is clueless and will never see her as anyone more than the girl who annoys his wife.
Hey, I can't say that if I were in her shoes right now that I wouldn't have made the same call. She's hurt. She's lonely. She's unloved and unnoticed at home. They don't want her. They say she is just trying to get attention. And you know what I think about that? I say, hell, if the girl is attempting suicide to get your attentions, then maybe you should pay attention to her! Now, I do believe there is more, much, much, more to this. I believe she wants to die until she starts to and then gets scared. I believe her intentions are real and based out of a crappy hand that life dealt her. But then when she thinks about actually dying, she is afraid she will let someone down or hurt someone or that she just gets plain old scared of dying.
And here is where it gets hard for me. I get it. I know what it is like to live life measured from one suicide attempt to the next. I know what it is like to be a teenager drinking myself to sleep at night to escape the pain of being me. I know what it is like to hurt my body simply because it hurts less than the emotional pain. I know what it is like to hurt my body just to see if I can still feel anything. And yet, I want to see her want to get better. I can't make her better. She has to decide on her own that this isn't working for her and take the steps to make her life what she wants it to be not what she was dealt. And it puts me in the hardest position of anyone in the family.
I know her hurt all too well. Sure things have been different, we have dealt with different painful experiences but we both have known very deep pain. I'm the only one who completely validates where she is at emotionally. I also know that she is almost an adult now. In a few short months, her parents will kick her out and she will be left to figure it out on her own. She is pretty much at the point now that life is going to be what she makes of it. And I find myself angry that no one has prepared her for such a life. Her parents think only of how quickly they can get her out, it's all they have thought of for years. They say she is lazy, but they never taught her how to work. They get mad that she has no coping skills but they have neither modeled them nor helped her find to a professional to help her learn them.
My niece is about to enter the world as an adult and she is terrified that she doesn't have what it takes to make it. So she threatens suicide and gets a warm bed, 3 meals cooked for her and doesn't have to listen to her step mom berating her all the time. Doesn't sound like too bad of a gig to me. Hey, I'm a functioning adult and have days that I miss the hospital and having no responsibility in taking care of myself. I think that maybe that is why it bothers me so much more this time around. I think it is sinking in that she is nearly an adult but doesn't know how to be one. I think she is terrified that she will not be able to make it in the big girl world and it seems easier to opt out before the time comes to face it.
Of course, I also think there is a little bit of a jab in there at her parents who don't want her. Of course, I do think there is some "NOW they'll pay attention" in there. I do think she could kill herself but I don't think she will, at least not yet. And it breaks my heart to say not yet when referring to my niece. It breaks my heart to see her depression spiraling out of control only to be told that she is fine and just trying to get me to feel sorry for her. I see her pain, probably better than all of the family combined, and I can not help her other than to tell her she isn't crazy and that she can make it through this. I feel really helpless. And I know she does too. You can only feel helpless for so long before you either fight back or give in.
Here's to praying she fights back instead of giving in. I sure do love that little girl, she has had my heart from the first time I ever met her . I wish I could make it all better and it breaks my heart that I can't.
This time feels different to me. Something about this time feels very disconcerting to me. Something feels very, very wrong this time. I know some view her as just wanting attention. I don't. She is a hurt young lady. Sure, I guess there is some need to get attention in all of this. But I get angry that her parents refuse to see her hurt. Her step mom insists that she is just an angry teenager with no legitimate problems. Her dad is clueless and will never see her as anyone more than the girl who annoys his wife.
Hey, I can't say that if I were in her shoes right now that I wouldn't have made the same call. She's hurt. She's lonely. She's unloved and unnoticed at home. They don't want her. They say she is just trying to get attention. And you know what I think about that? I say, hell, if the girl is attempting suicide to get your attentions, then maybe you should pay attention to her! Now, I do believe there is more, much, much, more to this. I believe she wants to die until she starts to and then gets scared. I believe her intentions are real and based out of a crappy hand that life dealt her. But then when she thinks about actually dying, she is afraid she will let someone down or hurt someone or that she just gets plain old scared of dying.
And here is where it gets hard for me. I get it. I know what it is like to live life measured from one suicide attempt to the next. I know what it is like to be a teenager drinking myself to sleep at night to escape the pain of being me. I know what it is like to hurt my body simply because it hurts less than the emotional pain. I know what it is like to hurt my body just to see if I can still feel anything. And yet, I want to see her want to get better. I can't make her better. She has to decide on her own that this isn't working for her and take the steps to make her life what she wants it to be not what she was dealt. And it puts me in the hardest position of anyone in the family.
I know her hurt all too well. Sure things have been different, we have dealt with different painful experiences but we both have known very deep pain. I'm the only one who completely validates where she is at emotionally. I also know that she is almost an adult now. In a few short months, her parents will kick her out and she will be left to figure it out on her own. She is pretty much at the point now that life is going to be what she makes of it. And I find myself angry that no one has prepared her for such a life. Her parents think only of how quickly they can get her out, it's all they have thought of for years. They say she is lazy, but they never taught her how to work. They get mad that she has no coping skills but they have neither modeled them nor helped her find to a professional to help her learn them.
My niece is about to enter the world as an adult and she is terrified that she doesn't have what it takes to make it. So she threatens suicide and gets a warm bed, 3 meals cooked for her and doesn't have to listen to her step mom berating her all the time. Doesn't sound like too bad of a gig to me. Hey, I'm a functioning adult and have days that I miss the hospital and having no responsibility in taking care of myself. I think that maybe that is why it bothers me so much more this time around. I think it is sinking in that she is nearly an adult but doesn't know how to be one. I think she is terrified that she will not be able to make it in the big girl world and it seems easier to opt out before the time comes to face it.
Of course, I also think there is a little bit of a jab in there at her parents who don't want her. Of course, I do think there is some "NOW they'll pay attention" in there. I do think she could kill herself but I don't think she will, at least not yet. And it breaks my heart to say not yet when referring to my niece. It breaks my heart to see her depression spiraling out of control only to be told that she is fine and just trying to get me to feel sorry for her. I see her pain, probably better than all of the family combined, and I can not help her other than to tell her she isn't crazy and that she can make it through this. I feel really helpless. And I know she does too. You can only feel helpless for so long before you either fight back or give in.
Here's to praying she fights back instead of giving in. I sure do love that little girl, she has had my heart from the first time I ever met her . I wish I could make it all better and it breaks my heart that I can't.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
new day, new mercy
Lamentations 3:22-23
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I blew it yesterday. And today is a new day. Today He gives me new mercy.
Psalm 143:7-8
Lord, help me today to honor you with my body and with my choices. Let your love keep me from being consumed with the hurt and hatred that try to overtake my heart. I am so glad that You remain faithful even when I am not.
22 Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
23 They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I blew it yesterday. And today is a new day. Today He gives me new mercy.
Psalm 143:7-8
7 Answer me quickly, LORD;
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
8 Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
for to you I entrust my life.
Monday, November 7, 2011
when profound thoughts wound
****Blogger is pissing me off tonight, changing some of my stuff and rather than ensure the post is the perfect way I want it, I'm deciding to say screw it and post anyway. I guess we'll just call it a step toward beating perfectionism..... *****
Today I had a very profound thought, one I'm not so sure I like. I could tell you all the steps that led to it but then you would have to follow the incoherency of my thoughts as I put them together. The end result is this...
Today I had a very profound thought, one I'm not so sure I like. I could tell you all the steps that led to it but then you would have to follow the incoherency of my thoughts as I put them together. The end result is this...
Romans 5:8 But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
This is a verse that brings me much comfort. While I was still lost in sin, Christ came for me and died for me. He came because He loved me enough to want to save me from the wickedness of my own heart.
And today this same verse brought me much grief. While my attackers were still sinning against me, Christ died for them. Someone on the radio mentioned the book The Shack. I haven't read it yet so I don't know if this is a spoiler alert or not, but she mentioned that God loved the victim and God also loved the perpetrator. I am so glad that I left my youngest at home and was not quite to my older kids school yet when I realized that God loves the men who hurt me.
That thought made me really angry. God, how could you love them? Didn't you see what they did to me? How can you love me and hurt with me and yet love the ones who hurt me? This isn't right. This isn't ok with me. How can I believe that you love me when you love them? How can you love us both? I felt like my breath had been stolen away. It couldn't be possible. Of course, I believe that Jesus came for everyone. Of course, I have always been a person who believes He can redeem anyone. And today, He asked me to believe that He came for those men just as much as He came for me.
That is a big pill to swallow. Angry and hurt I said out loud, God loves........but I couldn't even finish and say his name. I tried again with the next one, God loves.....but I still couldn't finish it. I spent some time alone this evening. In my car I kept asking how God could love us both, it just doesn't make sense. I felt like God was telling me that they are His children too. I wouldn't stop loving one of my children if they hurt one of the others. I tried to argue that point. My boys wouldn't do this to each other. But if they did, wouldn't I still love them? After a bit of driving, questioning and arguing I came home to my family, still ill at ease with a God who could love me and yet still love them, especially him.
Sadly tonight, God did use my boys to illustrate. I left the room for a few minutes and suddenly my middle son was knocking on my door crying saying his big brother had punched him in the eye over and over again. His eye looks it. It is red and puffy and has the possibility of a black eye in the making. The oldest tried to tell me it was an accident, he was stretching and his brother was behind him and got hit. No way in heck this was unintentional. There is no way that someone simply stretching could make a mark like this.
I took care of my little boy, got him ice for his eye and comforted him. And then I comforted the older one who was now crying "I'm the worst big brother in the entire world." Was I mad that the older one hurt his brother? Um, YEAH! Was I hurt for my little guy who was crying? Absolutely, no mother could not hurt for her child when he cries in her arms. I was hurt and angry that someone had hurt my child. But did my love for my oldest ever lessen? Not for a second. I was angry with him, I was hurt for his brother but I never stopped loving him.
Somehow, I have to come to terms with the fact that these men are just as much God's children as I am. Somehow I need to reconcile inside of myself that God loves them. Even though He was hurt and angry that they hurt me, they are still His creation and His love didn't wane though His anger flared. Somehow I am needing to absorb the knowledge that God was never ok with what happened to me and that I am not the only one that He never stopped loving. What a painful reality this is.
God, give me the grace to walk through this. Minister to my heart, it is bruised and battered.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
misplaced guilt
Misplaced as it is, I have a very extreme case of guilt right now. The last couple of days have been easier to eat. This morning I took my 3 year old to our family's traditional first day of preschool breakfast. I then, for lunch, proceeded to cave to my beyond extreme craving for chocolate and ate a couple of peanut butter cups. Tonight I had dinner with my family. I feel so sick to my stomach and have for most of the day. I also feel so very out of control. It seems crazy to say that. Here I have been saying that I want to get better but then when I make steps to try to achieve my goal, I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I'm guilt ridden.
I'm sure part of the guilt lies in the fact that thanks to hormones, I have had such an obscene craving for chocolate. I have caved a couple of times because this is almost equivalent to pregnancy cravings. It is the kind of craving that is so strong that it makes you feel almost like you will get sick if you don't indulge it. I cried when my husband brought home chocolate donuts. They looked so good. I only had a part of one, just less than half. I am feeling so very conflicted about food. On one hand, I have a desire to eat and to be healthy. On the other hand I despise food and that we are dependent on it. If I could live a happy, healthy life that never included another meal, I would do it!
Yesterday was a 10, I desperately wanted to get better at all costs. Today is a 4, I kinda want to get better but not really too much. I have started exercising quite a bit more as well. I am terrified to go back to the body I had. Sounds stupid, especially if you know me, but it is indeed how I feel.
So all of that said, I need to go and immerse myself in the truth of the Word. If I don't the lie will most definitely win this time! The lies are pouring through my brain almost faster than I can sort through them right now. Pray for the truth to saturate me even more than the lies have.
Oh, completely random but don't want to forget, my bone scan came back ok. There is no visable bone mass loss. Several people have asked so I wanted to remember to update that.
I'm sure part of the guilt lies in the fact that thanks to hormones, I have had such an obscene craving for chocolate. I have caved a couple of times because this is almost equivalent to pregnancy cravings. It is the kind of craving that is so strong that it makes you feel almost like you will get sick if you don't indulge it. I cried when my husband brought home chocolate donuts. They looked so good. I only had a part of one, just less than half. I am feeling so very conflicted about food. On one hand, I have a desire to eat and to be healthy. On the other hand I despise food and that we are dependent on it. If I could live a happy, healthy life that never included another meal, I would do it!
Yesterday was a 10, I desperately wanted to get better at all costs. Today is a 4, I kinda want to get better but not really too much. I have started exercising quite a bit more as well. I am terrified to go back to the body I had. Sounds stupid, especially if you know me, but it is indeed how I feel.
So all of that said, I need to go and immerse myself in the truth of the Word. If I don't the lie will most definitely win this time! The lies are pouring through my brain almost faster than I can sort through them right now. Pray for the truth to saturate me even more than the lies have.
Oh, completely random but don't want to forget, my bone scan came back ok. There is no visable bone mass loss. Several people have asked so I wanted to remember to update that.
Monday, August 30, 2010
how you can pray
So, last post for today. Many of you have asked how to help, how to pray. In my counseling session last week, I came across an area you could pray for me in. My therapist asked me on a scale of 1-10 (one being not at all and 10 being I'd do anything to get there) how much do I want to get better. I told her it depends on the day. There are days that I hate what I'm doing to myself and know that my family deserves better than this and I want desperately to get better. Then there are days when I don't care if I ever get better. She asked me about my relationship with food and how food makes me feel.
Here's my answer to that question. When food is in my mouth, it tastes good. By the time I have swallowed, it has a horrible taste. I feel absurdly sick when I am done eating and wish I was one of those people who could throw up. Feeling empty makes me feel empowered and euphoric. I have never used drugs, but the way I feel is definitely chemical, and what I would guess being high is like. (Hungry is different than empty. When I feel hungry, I feel weak.)
She asked if anything else gave me those feelings. I realized that while some things do make me feel empowered, nothing is as strong of a feeling as starving myself. She asked me if I'm willing to give up that feeling then. Here's my answer and where you can pray for me, I'm willing to be willing. I am not there yet. I don't know how to give up those feelings but I want to have a desire to. I guess that is a start, right? You can pray for me to want to give up the feelings of euphoria and empowerment that starving gives me.
Here's my answer to that question. When food is in my mouth, it tastes good. By the time I have swallowed, it has a horrible taste. I feel absurdly sick when I am done eating and wish I was one of those people who could throw up. Feeling empty makes me feel empowered and euphoric. I have never used drugs, but the way I feel is definitely chemical, and what I would guess being high is like. (Hungry is different than empty. When I feel hungry, I feel weak.)
She asked if anything else gave me those feelings. I realized that while some things do make me feel empowered, nothing is as strong of a feeling as starving myself. She asked me if I'm willing to give up that feeling then. Here's my answer and where you can pray for me, I'm willing to be willing. I am not there yet. I don't know how to give up those feelings but I want to have a desire to. I guess that is a start, right? You can pray for me to want to give up the feelings of euphoria and empowerment that starving gives me.
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