child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, March 31, 2012

not ashamed

Lots to say and yet my bed calls my name.  So I will make this one short and to the point.  I have realized over the past week that while I still struggle with this body that I call home, I am starting to realize that I like who I am.  For the first time in my life I am feeling unashamed of who I am.  I have used that voice I've found to simply say, this is who I am and it's ok that I'm different from you.  I think I kinda like this feeling.  It is freeing to not feel obligated to pretend.

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

how did you do it?

I was chatting with a customer tonight at work.  We started talking about the wildfires here in Colorado right now, then about the wind and then about our kids.  It was a pleasant conversation until it came up how many kids I have.  She looked straight at my stomach and said incredulously, "YOU have THREE kids?????"  I smiled, forcing myself to not mention that I had just watched her stare at my stomach and confirmed, yep, three boys.

And then she said it.  "Wow!  How did you lose the weight?  You look fabulous. I'm still 40 lbs more than I used to be. How did you get your body back?"  And then I said it.  You don't want this body.  It hasn't been worth it, the 40lbs would be better. You don't want to live this life.

She suddenly looked at me with empathy and comfort instead of awe.  She assured me of my beauty and told me to not dwell on my perception of my body.  And I'm grateful for that.  But it is still hard that someone looked that closely at my body when I'm afraid to look closely at it myself.

Monday, March 26, 2012

words of hope

Last week my dear friend sent me a text with a scripture reference.  I'm going to be honest, I looked up the 1st one but forgot about the 2nd one until this morning.  So this morning I pulled out my Bible and looked up the scriptures she sent me. And it was just what I needed this morning.  She sent me Isaiah 43:1-5.

(vs 1-3)
But now, this is what the Lord says
he who created you, O Jacob
he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you.  
I have summoned you by name, 
you are mine.
When you pass through the  waters, 
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you. 
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze."

I needed that.  I needed to be reminded that He created me, He formed me, He redeemed me and He calls me by name.  It is a tough time right now.  I despise this body I live in.  I nourish it out of love for my family but not out of love for myself right now.  Recovery is hard work.  At this time in recovery, it is more work than joy, BUT I know there is joy for this journey.  I'm walking through waters that threaten to sweep over me and yet He is with me.  

In the midst of my panic and discouragement about my body, I was gently reminded this morning that God formed this body.  He created this body.  And He redeems me from the abuse I have put this body through.  He knows my name.  He never leaves me, even when the fire is hot, the waters are overwhelming and the recovery difficult.  
 I am His.

food for thought

Today's food for thought brought to you by Niece.  

"Religion is like a penis.  It's ok to have one and it's ok to be proud of it.  But it isn't ok to whip it out and start flailing it around.  And it's definitely not ok to shove it down someone's throat without permission." 

I'm sorry if this offends, but I loved her analogy.  It makes me think of a much more crass version of St. Francis of Assisi saying, "Preach the gospel at all times, when necessary use words."   I will say it loud and clear, I am a Christian.  I believe that Jesus Christ came to die a horrific death to free me from the bounds of sin and to redeem my life that I can stand before a holy God, unashamed.

 I also believe that Jesus offered grace to sinners.  When the woman was caught in adultery, He could have condemned her.  The law said He should have condemned her.  But He didn't.  He gave her grace and told her to go and sin no more.  He was known to hang out with people scorned by the religious folk of the day.  He didn't force anyone to believe in Him as God. He never demanded it as His right or insisted that everyone had to see things His way.  Instead He loved them and they chose Him willingly.

As a Christian, there is a line between being proud of my relationship with God and crossing that line to be rude and forceful with others.  Jesus wasn't rude or demanding. The Bible says that it is God's loving kindness that draws us to repentance.  It isn't spiritual rape, forcing our beliefs down someones throat without permission, that brings people to Christ.  It is when we act like Jesus did and love those who are hurt, when we minister to those who are broken, when we accept them just as they are not expecting them to be perfect, that makes a difference in the lives of people.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

music therapy

The two songs ministering to my heart right now. 

Safe by Phil Wickham

Everyone and their brother has sung this old hymn.  I like the LeAnn Rimes version but Clay Aiken's was good too.  Mostly I love the lyrics and during a time of uncertainty with a situation with my job, it is very comforting to be reminded that no matter what happens, I know who holds my future.

the hard part of recovery

Do you want to know what is hard about recovery?  Believing that an 80 calorie granola bar isn't dinner.  Most people wouldn't even consider that tiny thing a snack, I tried to pull it off as dinner.

Wanna know what's hard about recovery?  When feeling full isn't the same as having enough.  Finding something else to eat while the voices in your head are screaming at you that you've already had something to eat. Needing a glass of wine just to get past the anxiety that dinner brings.  Telling people who love you when you hurt so badly that acting out sounds like the only possible way to make it through.

That is what is hard about recovery.

Monday, March 19, 2012

anxiety ridden

Feeling very anxious today.  I'm struggling to get anything constructive done.  I feel sad.  I feel lonely.  I don't feel like reaching out to stop the lonely though.  My doctor keeps telling me that exercise helps when I feel the anxiety building.  Let's just say my elliptical has seen lots of action today as has my computer.  I think I'm ok and try to do something and then the anxiety is so overwhelming that I feel my chest tightening and my vision blurring.  I hop back on my elliptical or log back in on Facebook until I can see straight again.

I had planned to go to the grocery store and the hardware store today.  But I can't make myself leave my house.  I don't want to deal with people.  I don't want to be seen.  I was panicky last night at my in-laws house too.  I had to step out during dinner for some fresh air because I started feeling claustrophobic and trapped and had a hard time breathing.

The mail has definitely not eased any of my anxiety.  My statement of benefits came in from my insurance company.  Thankfully I know what to expect before the medical bills come.  Me being sick last month is going to cost us a hefty penny just in doctor bills from visits to test and labs to urgent care.  That is without considering that I was unable to work for 2 weeks so I won't get a paycheck, the costs of multiple prescriptions, the eating take out food and the random little trips to the store that hubby made to get something to take care of me or the boys.  I would say all in all this was between a $600-$700 sickness!  Yeah, that is so not helping the panicky state of my mind today! 

Not a fan of feeling like the floor will give out under me.  Not a fan of blurred vision and tightness in my chest.  Not a fan of feeling out of control.  Not a fan of not being able to just suck it up and get my stuff done that I need to do. I really need a sense of normalcy.  I really need to be able to function.

feelings and truth

Totally not feeling the self love today.  Not liking my body.  Not liking my emotions.  Not liking my insufficiency at maintaining my house or cooking healthy meals for my family.  Just not feeling the love today.  But my feelings don't change what is true.  Here's to hoping that what is true will change my feelings.

  • I am enough just the way I am.  
  • I am loved and accepted exactly how I am.
  • I am a daughter of God, made in His image to reflect His beauty.
  • Beauty isn't in the size of my hips or thighs.
  • My value doesn't come from a perfect body, a clean house, well behaved children, a great marriage.  My value lies in the fact that God created me.
  • an ice cream bar is not the devil and having one occasionally won't kill me or inflate me 3,000 lbs
  • I am not a super model but I am still beautiful in my own right.  (That was unbelievably difficult to type and I'm forcing myself to not backspace this whole sentence.)
  • I am worth the time.
  • I have something valuable to offer. 
  • I have a voice and things to say and that doesn't make me difficult, contrary, or ungodly.  It makes me who God designed me to be.
  • I'm worth protecting.
Some of those are significantly harder than others to believe much less feel. 

Sunday, March 18, 2012

pepper spray and pretty dresses

I feel a little better.  I told Hubby I wanted pepper spray.  This weekend he made sure I got it, and he got it for me in pink.  I've wanted it for a couple of months but last weeks events made it something I had to have NOW. The suspect fled on foot.  Still haven't caught him.  This was his 23rd armed robbery in recent months.  He always hits small businesses.  My theory on that is that there is less chance for security cameras. 

I work alone at my job.  I walk to my car in the parking garage alone as well.  During summer that didn't bother me much, it wasn't fully dark when I was walking to my car.  I'm always hyper aware of everything around me as I walk.  You will never catch me talking on my phone or texting while I'm heading to my car.  But having pink pepper spray on my key chain will help ease the anxiety I feel while walking to my car.  It will also give my dad-in-law some peace of mind because he is always worried about me, especially now since the latest robbery.

my new pink pepper spray :)

In other unrelated news, I'm noticing a lot of perfect bodies right now.  Colorado is full of healthy and fit bodies, especially the area where Hubby works.  It has helped to remind myself that those women with the perfect bodies that I was envying the other day probably don't feel like they have a perfect body any more than I do.  I've been very self conscious about my own body lately too.  I've been able to keep it from being the center of my focus but it has still been there.

Yesterday I had a little time to myself.  I discovered a darling little shop called Uptown Cheapskate and ventured in.  Think Plato's Closet but not cluttered, clean, no holes in the clothes I was trying on and super friendly staff.  I scored 3 dresses, a skirt, 3 shirts, a sweater and 2 pairs of shoes for $45!  One of the dresses I ended up buying put me in a bit of a tizz.  I loved the fun colors and loved the way the top of the dress fit.  I didn't love the way my hips looked in it though.  Totally felt like a wide load.  I came out of the fitting room to look in the mirror and the previously empty store suddenly had enough people that 3 different people commented on how pretty the dress looked on me. 

I nearly flew back into the dressing room a hundred shades of red.  A few moments later, still wearing that dress, I came out to grab some new items from my try on pile.  The sales girl looked at me and asked if I was going to buy the dress because it looked so amazing on me.  I felt kinda weird.  I told her that I loved the top and the colors and that maybe I just needed to get over myself and the size of my hips and go ahead and buy it.  This teenage girl got the most shocked look on her face and said, "But you're sooooo tiny.  You have nothing to worry about!"  I bought the dress.  It still had the new tags on it.  Originally $109 and I paid $4.19.  It had to have been a case of the mirror lying again because I swear my hips looked double wide in that dress.  But I listened to the voices of everyone around me (and the voice of a killer price tag) rather than the voice in my head.  Now to see if I have the guts to actually wear it.

hoping to get over myself and the size of my body and wear the cute thing!

Last night I was pulling all of the clothes out of the bag and making Hubby appreciate my new treasures.  (He really is a good man.  He oooh-ed and ahhhh-ed at all the right times with no prompting from me.)  Oldest child was still awake and after I had showed all the clothes I had bought, he looked at me and said, "Will that flower one even fit you?"  SERIOUSLY??????  I shook my head and told Hubby to tell his son that he was one comment away from walking himself to bed (joking but still.....). 

God bless that man!  And I mean it!  He accepted the challenge of a teachable moment and talked with our boy.  Poor little guy was beyond confused when Dad said, "It isn't what you said, but what a woman will hear with a comment like that is, 'You're fat'. " 
But I never said that!
I know, but that is still what a girl will hear.
Hubby told him to avoid talking about weight or age with women. He informed our son that if more men had learned that lesson, there would be much fewer fights in the world.  He handled it in a lighthearted way that I loved.  He also gave me a moment to regroup and realize that my boy really wasn't trying to insult me or hurt my feelings and he gave our son a life lesson that will serve him well throughout his life. 

When Hubby informed Son that girls are crazy, I promptly and vigorously nodded my head.  Yes, son, yes we are all crazy!  We hear things you never said and we feel things that don't make sense.  We are all crazy.  Remember that, it may save you many a headache and heartache later in life!

Friday, March 16, 2012

feeling insecure and unsafe

So this morning's news had the answer to my question last night.  The ridiculously large amount of police activity near my work last night was due to an armed robbery.  The robbery happened at a restaurant that is seriously just around the corner from my work, a restaurant that I frequent, one that I have walked to from my work building. The man had a gun, the restaurant had 8 people in it, one of them being a teenager. It happened at the exact moment I was punching out.  I was leaving work, walking through my parking garage, while the police were unsuccessfully trying to find the suspect. 

Now I know I wasn't involved in any way.  By the time I pulled out of my parking garage, the police had already blocked off several side streets and the entrances/exits to all of the surrounding parking lots.  I was never in any real danger.  But for some reason I cannot convince my emotions of that.  No matter how many times I try to remind myself that I was not the one traumatized, my body and emotions are telling me differently.  I am being bombarded with feelings of insecurity about my safety.  I work in a great neighborhood.  I (usually) feel very safe there.  I have walked around in this same area at night with my son or with a girlfriend.  My husband and I have gone on walks or played on playgrounds at night in this area.  It's a good part of town.  And it's a good part of town that right now I don't feel very safe in.

I don't really feel safe at all, anywhere, right now though.  I don't like that someone stole (once again) my feelings of safety and security.  I feel vulnerable.  I feel scared.  And for some reason, I feel weak again.  And I have realized that my natural reaction to feeling vulnerable is to double up all of my protections.  And food, or I should say the restricting of food, is one of the areas that I want to run to to protect myself.  It doesn't make sense.  I'm healthy enough to run if I needed to.  I'm healthy enough to put up a good fight if I needed to.  I'm healthy enough for my brain to remember details like descriptions and directions.  And yet my first line of defense that I want to run to is to take away those advantages and go back to the girl who wouldn't stand a chance other than sheer adrenaline if put in a dangerous situation.

I drove out to see Hubby at work this morning for his lunch break.  It was how I kept myself from restricting.  Eating with him or not eating at all, I chose to eat and to feel safe in his presence for a few extra minutes.  I know it was a healthy choice, but it wasn't an easy choice.  It seems that when being healthy is a choice, it is rarely the easy one.  I want to put my heart and body in lock down to protect it.  The problem is that it isn't really protecting me.  I hate that.

I want my sense of safety back.  I want to not feel like a frightened little girl again.  I want to not feel weak and powerless.  I want my control.  Control, maybe that is why restricting feels like the right answer, because life is not controllable but food is.  I'm in a better place in my recovery simply because I can identify that.  That doesn't really make it an easier place of recovery, just a stronger one.

I'm strong enough to fight the orange in my head that swears she is the way to be safe and protected.  I need to find safety and protection somewhere else, not in her arms.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

some days are harder

like today.

I've had plenty of random things trigger big emotions today.  I'm not a fan of big emotions, especially when several different ones hit me in just a few hours span.

On the way to work this afternoon I was overcome by sadness.  As I turned the corner to the street I work on, I saw two men on scaffolding and one man down below extremely exerted and struggling to lower the scaffolding.  In January, when Cousin died, he fell from scaffolding at work that he was helping his guys to take down.  It was the last thing they had to do before they went home for the day.  I gasped and tears immediately sprung to my eyes.  The sight and the subsequent intense emotion caught me off guard.

At work, I checked my email.  There was one from my former pastor that had a link to something he had just written.  The short version of what he had to say was that depression is a symptom of trusting your feelings rather than God. The long version, to be honest, made me a bit angry.  When someone who has never dealt with depression tries to tell me why my depression isn't as big as it is or that it is my fault or that I'm just not enough of a Christian, I get really frustrated.

 I wonder if these Christians who believe that depression is a sign of sin have ever read the Bible. What about the prophet Elisha (or maybe it was Elijah, I still to this day get those two mixed up!) who sat beneath a tree and told God to just kill him, that his life was over?  God had to send an angel to tell him to sleep and eat and to minister to him. Or what about David, the man after God's heart? He was as extreme in his emotions as one could ever be.  How many times does he, in his hurt, cry out to God and beg God to kill him?  How many times does he ask God to kill his enemies?  How many times does he make comments about despair and agony within him?  And yet he knew God was faithful.  And yet he still worshiped God in spirit and in truth.  DESPITE the agony.  Why can I not still know God is in control and worship Him even though often times my soul is in despair?  Why is my hurt a sin in so many people's eyes? Wouldn't it be nice if people had to live a day in your skin before they were able to criticize your emotions?

Many years ago I heard it said that once you have been stalked, you will always live with one eye over your shoulder.  At the time I didn't understand but thanks to abusive boyfriend, now I do understand that comment. Looking over my shoulder has been somewhat of a second nature to me for far too many years now.  I'm not terrified like I used to be.  I don't think every car or person behind me is out to get me like I used to.  I am aware though of any car that has been behind me, including lane changes, for more than a mile.  I have detoured on my way home from places just to be sure that I'm not being followed.  While most of the time I feel fairly safe, sometimes I don't at all.  Tonight was one of those nights.

I work in a really nice part of town.  We joke that you are more likely to get pulled over there for something minor because the police need something to do to kill their time since they don't need to be out stopping crime.  Tonight, however, the police didn't need to kill time.  I don't know what happened, but something did.  I saw 18 cops tonight, lights on, sirens off, blocking parking lot exits and several side streets in 1/4 mile radius as I was leaving work.  As I got on the highway, I saw 2 more that I hadn't seen who were parked on the sidewalk next to my building where the light rail station is.  They were definitely looking for someone. I was suddenly bombarded with icky feelings of insecurity and danger.

All of that comes to top off the fact that last night I realized that think I have been subconsciously sabotaging my recovery for the past week or so.  I wasn't intentionally acting out but suddenly last night I realized that I have been restricting.  I haven't been concentrating on it, I think that is what is scary.  It comes so naturally that I don't realize I'm doing it sometimes.  I realized simply because I had very little wine last night before I was aware that it was affecting me.  I made a comment about being a total light weight last night and Hubby asked me what I had eaten.  As I started going through my day I realized I hadn't had much at all to eat, and then I went through the previous several days and suddenly understood why the wine got to me so quickly.  Had I not done that, I wouldn't have even realized that I was doing it.

I knew I have been unhappy with my body.  I knew that I don't feel anywhere near summer body ready.  But I also have known that having energy to enjoy my family again is better than fearing my body.  I thought that since I have been acknowledging my and validating both my body and my emotions that I was in a good spot.  And now I see that recovery still needs to be an active choice even when I think I'm handling things fairly well.

So that's my night.  There are a lot of emotions swirling around in there, and a lot of thoughts as well.  I'm not pushed over the edge, which is good.  I'm a little overwhelmed still by feeling and especially so many things in such a short span of time.  I'm reminding myself that feelings are ok, good even, and trying to embrace them rather than run from them.  It is a little (ok, a LOT) scary and difficult too.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

I'm still married

I mentioned in my last post that staying married has been my greatest accomplishment in my life so far.  I also said I'd explain that comment, so here goes.

Ya'll already know my background so it isn't really a surprise when I say that the only way I really knew how to relate with men was either not at all or sexually.  The day I married Hubby was the day everything was going to be all better for me.  I had the unconditional love of an amazing man and I didn't need anything else.  We escaped to our hotel after the wedding and I locked myself in the bathroom with the guise of needing a bubble bath to help relax me because I was a little nervous.  Though I'd had sex and Hubby had had sex before, we hadn't had sex with each other so I really was a little nervous on my wedding night.

I took a really long bath, trying to avoid the inevitable.  I remember thinking "Oh my God.  I have to have sex with the same person for the rest of my life.  I don't know if I can do this."  I couldn't "relax" enough to do anything that night, I actually just cried.  Romantic night, huh, holding your new bride while she sobs in your arms instead of finally caressing the body you have spent years waiting for.  The next morning the same thoughts hit me.  And then this one, "Well, we haven't had sex yet so I could still get this annulled and then not break his heart by not being able to stay true." 

Rational? No. Legitimately what I thought? Yes. I had no idea how I was ever going to make it.  I was sure I didn't have what it took to be married, especially to such a great guy.  I spent years knowing I couldn't love him as much as he loved me.  I knew early on that if anything happened to me his world would stop but if anything happened to him I'd be sad and then move on.  I really wanted to feel like my world would stop if something happened to him but I couldn't.  I spent years wondering if he was going to get tired of loving more than he was loved and leave me.

In our first few months of marriage, my first test came along.  Hubby's boss.  Something about him sparked my interest.  In retrospect, I think I enjoyed his company and his sense of humor and didn't know how to respond to him in another way besides desire.  He had told us of the girl he had made out with who was someone's fiance.  I knew that if he could make out with his friend's fiance, he could make out with me, his friend's wife.  He didn't have that boundary in his head that would make me off limits.  My mind started concentrating on him a lot.  I desired him and knew that he wouldn't mind crossing that line and figured it could be a secret.

Here is where I realized that I did really love my Hubby not just loved that he loved me.  I would play in my mind having to tell him I had slept with his boss and could see how heartbroken he would have been.  I never wanted to be responsible for breaking his heart.  I held on to that fiercely.  It was my proof that I really loved him.  At least I loved him as much as I was capable of loving him.  I was pretty broken.  I worked in the same building as he did at the time.  I quit my job to avoid seeing and feeling for Hubby's boss on a daily basis.  I walked away from my greatest temptation because I didn't want to hurt Hubby.

I spent the first 3 years of our marriage waiting for the day when he would tire of my broken capacity for loving him and leave for a woman who had a whole heart to love him with.  During our infertility years I even told him if he wanted to leave me for a woman who could have his children that I would understand.  He still refers to that conversation as the only time he has ever been absolutely furious with me.  I knew that I loved him as much as I could, but I wondered if I would ever love him as much as he loved me, as much as he deserved to be loved.

I finally confessed all of this to him a couple of months ago.  Of course, he already knew, but it was nice to finally talk about it.  He wondered when we got married if I loved him or if I loved how he made me feel.  Did I love him or did I love being loved?  Did I love him or feeling safe?  Did I love him or that he would do anything to make me smile?  Did I love him or did I love that I didn't have to answer to my parents anymore?
Did I love him or that I was the center of someone's world finally?  He didn't know.  How could he, I didn't know. 

I would repeatedly find myself avoiding situations because I didn't want to have to tell him I'd been with another man.  Not wanting to hurt him was the proof of loving him that I clung too.  For far too long, it was all I had to assure myself that I loved him as much as I could.  As the years have passed, our friendship has deepened.  Our love has grown.  My love for him is genuine and deep now.  My world would stop if something happened to him.  I no longer need to cling to the fear of hurting him to prove to myself and him that I do love him.  It just flows naturally from every fiber of my being. 

We've known each other since I was 18 and I enjoy his company more than I even realized was possible back then.  Though I've been tempted in the past to step outside of our marriage, I no longer need the fear of telling him to be the thing that keeps me faithful.  I don't want to be with anyone else.  I don't think of other men in sexual terms anymore.  Hubby is my only lover and the only one I want to love for the rest of my life.  And I'm really thankful that he could see into my heart and love me even when I didn't know how to love him in return.

Monday, March 12, 2012


My darling Amy from  Perfectly Imperfect tagged me and I find things like this to be quite fascinating.  This caters to my love of lists and my love of getting to know others better. I particularly like that not everyone who does this will answer the same questions.  She asked 11 questions for me to answer, I have to give 11 random facts about myself, and then I will ask 11 questions for my tagged buddies to answer.  Here goes!
Rules For Bloggers: (you must repost these)
1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you’ve tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 11 people!
    11 Random Things About Myself:
    1. I met my husband just after my 18th birthday and we have been best friends since.
    2. I'm a sucker for the color purple, butterflies, ladybugs and all things girly.
    3. Lilacs are my favorite flower of all time.  I think God makes them bloom just to see me smile :)   I wish they weren't such a short lived flower.
    4. I love being a mom, I adore my children.  But sometimes I don't like them.
    5. When I was 5, I fell out of a moving car.  My face was like the stopper on a roller skate and skidded along the pavement taking all of the skin off of the right side of my face.  My kindergarten teacher was so distraught to see me like that she ended up quitting.
    6. I'm pretty computer illiterate but look like a computer genius when compared to my parents.
    7. I absolutely despise doing dishes more than any other chore in the world.  And my dishwasher is broken, which makes it a billion times worse right now.
    8. In high school, I fractured my neck by being hit on the head with a basketball during gym class.
    9. I really like nutritional medicine and while I will take regular medicine when needed, I will try the natural remedy first.
    10. I am a very loyal friend and hate that natural progression of life means that I don't get to see every one of my friends as regularly as I used to.
    11. I absolutely love when someone else brings me a meal and saves me from having to figure out and cook dinner.  I used to like to cook and loved to bake, now I hate to cook and like to bake.
    My answers to Amy's questions:

       1.  What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment in life thus far? staying married.  I didn't know if I had what it took when we first got married.  That is a conversation Hubby and I recently had and a post in and of itself for another day.

       2.  If you could go back and change one decision you've ever made, what would it be? I really hurt someone many years ago with something I did.  I didn't know at the time it was wrong but I never made it right after I realized what I had actually done.  I have no idea where that person is on the planet now to make things right at this point so all I can do is tell God and accept His forgiveness.  

       3.  What do you consider to be the best thing about where you live?  it's not humid!  Summer heat can get in the high 90's or low 100's but I can still walk outside without sweating a gallon just to walk to my car.  Or in the winter, even when it gets super cold (which isn't that often) it is never as cold as the humid places I have lived.  It is never the kind of cold that freezes your lungs when you take a breath in.

       4.  What is your biggest fear? my husband dying and having to make it through life and parenting without his support and love

       5.  What is your biggest guilty pleasure?  Twilight books, and anything that involves both chocolate and peanut butter

       6.  What is your favorite song of all time? oh my, I LOVE music and my favorite song changes as the seasons of my life change.  Right now it is Martina McBride's "I'm going to love you through it"

       7.  Describe the best day of your whole life.  I've had some amazing days.  I think the best though was the day my 3rd son was born.  My doctor informed me he was crowning and if I reached down I would be able to feel his head.  When  I reached down, his head fully came out.  My doctor coached me but she let me deliver my own sweet boy.  My hands were the first ever to touch him and hold him.  I brought him up to my chest and they cleaned him and did everything they needed to do with him right there laying on my chest cuddling with his mamma.  Being pregnant and giving birth is among the most amazing of all miracles but being the one to actually deliver my son was the most amazing of the most amazing!

       8.  Do you have any recurring dreams or nightmares? yes, nightmares.  They have gotten less in frequency since being married but not less in intensity.  

       9.  If you could be anywhere else in the world right now, where would you be? Lying on a quiet beach with a good book and a cold drink with no responsibility and nothing to do but lay there and relax!

       10.  What is the best choice you've ever made in life? the best and the hardest has been that I deserve a full and happy life and recovery (and health, both mental and physical) from eating disorder, from PTSD, from a haunting past, and from all the things that have held me hostage over the years of my life

       11.  If you could do it all over again, what would you change? I would have found my voice sooner.

    My questions for you:
    1. What is your greatest dream in life?
    2. In what ways has your life turned out like you had hoped?
    3. In what ways has your life been not at all like you had hoped?
    4. If you could give one piece of advice to someone, what would it be?
    5. What is your favorite and least favorite chore?
    6. What is your favorite recipe to make?
    7. Do you have a book (or a movie) that you could read/see many times over and still love?
    8. Who has been or is the biggest influence in your life and in who you are becoming?
    9. What are 3 great, wonderful, positive things about you? (no negative self talk here!  no I'm this but...... comments!)
    10. What are  you most thankful for in your life?
    11. What is the best advice you have ever received?

    Bloggers I tag for the above 11 questions:
    (I'm not tagging 11.  Amy already tagged a few of mine, so I will just tag a few.)
        1.  Holly at Eating a Tangerine
        2. Holly at ...breathe, just breathe
        3.  Angela at The Spirit Within
        4. Jess at A Wilderness Love Story
        5. Missy at Beautiful Sturggle
        6. Steph at bright moments during dark times
        7. Sarah at Bearing, Eating, Being  (Sarah, sorry if I double tagged you. I probably did.)

    Friday, March 9, 2012

    did I just say that?

    Had you told me a month ago that I would tell an urgent care doctor to shut up, I would have laughed in your face.  Had you told me a year ago that I would ARGUE with a cop when he pulled me over, I would have fallen over in a dead faint.  And had you told me at any point in my life that I would be discussing the political side of homosexuality with my mother, I would have just known that I was dreaming.  But I have done all of these.

    I must credit some of this to my dear Amy who tagged me in her post of questions.  I do intend to write the post answering the questions, but there has been one that has stood out in my mind and so I'm going cheat a little and tell you about it first.  If I could go back and change one thing, what would it be?  This has always been a bit of a difficult question for me.  When I was younger I would say the abuse would have never happened, or the assault that left my bra broken, the buttons on my shirt ripped off and my sense of safety ripped to shreds.  There have been points in my life I would have said that I would have changed the eating disorder, the abusive boyfriend, or the allowed touches that I could and should have stopped.  But the reality is that I wouldn't change those things.  They hurt me, inexpressibly.  Sometimes I hurt me, sometimes others hurt me but always they hurt.  And yet I wouldn't change them.  They've made me who I am now.  They've given me strength to face other hard things.  They have given me the compassion to share with others in the same situations.  They've given me the ability to look at my dear friend and say "Please don't walk down this road, it will cost you more than you can ever understand.  I know, I've walked it."

    So what would I have changed?  I would have found my voice sooner.  I would have not been afraid for as long as I was to speak up.  The abuse may not have gone on as long if I would have not cowered and changed my mind when I tried to talk about it.  I would have pressed charges against those who attacked me, and gone through the pain of the legal process, to have stood up for myself and hopefully protect another girl in the future.  I would have asked the questions that I wanted to have answers for without worrying that I would get in trouble for asking questions.  I would have found my voice and used it and not worried that I was being difficult or contrary.

    I guess I finally found it.  A year ago an officer pulled me over.  He was rude to the core and was yelling at me before he had even asked for my license and registration.  He told me I broke the law.  I informed him that I didn't, that I had followed the traffic sign exactly.  He told me I cut someone off.  I informed him that I had merged into traffic and the car in question never had to brake until the officer turned on his lights and cut her off.  I don't know what got into me that day but I had had it and I wasn't going to be bullied by this officer on a power trip when I hadn't done anything wrong.  He was grumpy about it, but he realized he had no legitimate reason to ticket me, yelled at me some more and then got in his car without ticketing me and sped off.  Hubby tells everyone this story.

    When I was so sick the past few weeks, the on call doctor at my doctor's office sent me to urgent care.  I had a bad reaction to albuterol and she wanted me to get checked out and also rule out blood clots.  I tired to tell the urgent care doctor about my reaction and she kept nodding and saying, "Yeah, that's all normal."  Finally, completely fed up with being talked down to and repeatedly interrupted, I looked her dead in the eye and said, "Fine, since you aren't going to listen to what I'm saying to you, why don't you just finish up what you want to say and I can leave and go somewhere else where they will listen to find out what is wrong with me."  She was taken aback.  I was a little surprised at my gumption but I felt so horrible physically that I just didn't care about tact anymore.  She claimed she was listening to me.  I let her know she wasn't, that every time she asked me a question she interrupted me before I could answer it.  Suddenly the b.s. stopped, the talking down to me stopped and the attitude stopped and she was a real doctor.  I told a doctor off!

    I argued very exaggerated stats that my mom threw at me regarding homosexuality.  I talked politics with my mom and maintained my stance and my sanity.  While in the mental hospital, I told the therapist assigned to me that I refused to say another word to him, that I did want to work through my issues but not with him and I would not talk unless assigned a different therapist. 

    I've found my voice.  Now so far up to this point the times I have used it have been because I was so exasperated that I didn't care what the end result was but nonetheless, I have used it. 

    Yes, I really did just say that!