child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, March 19, 2012

anxiety ridden

Feeling very anxious today.  I'm struggling to get anything constructive done.  I feel sad.  I feel lonely.  I don't feel like reaching out to stop the lonely though.  My doctor keeps telling me that exercise helps when I feel the anxiety building.  Let's just say my elliptical has seen lots of action today as has my computer.  I think I'm ok and try to do something and then the anxiety is so overwhelming that I feel my chest tightening and my vision blurring.  I hop back on my elliptical or log back in on Facebook until I can see straight again.

I had planned to go to the grocery store and the hardware store today.  But I can't make myself leave my house.  I don't want to deal with people.  I don't want to be seen.  I was panicky last night at my in-laws house too.  I had to step out during dinner for some fresh air because I started feeling claustrophobic and trapped and had a hard time breathing.

The mail has definitely not eased any of my anxiety.  My statement of benefits came in from my insurance company.  Thankfully I know what to expect before the medical bills come.  Me being sick last month is going to cost us a hefty penny just in doctor bills from visits to test and labs to urgent care.  That is without considering that I was unable to work for 2 weeks so I won't get a paycheck, the costs of multiple prescriptions, the eating take out food and the random little trips to the store that hubby made to get something to take care of me or the boys.  I would say all in all this was between a $600-$700 sickness!  Yeah, that is so not helping the panicky state of my mind today! 

Not a fan of feeling like the floor will give out under me.  Not a fan of blurred vision and tightness in my chest.  Not a fan of feeling out of control.  Not a fan of not being able to just suck it up and get my stuff done that I need to do. I really need a sense of normalcy.  I really need to be able to function.

1 comment:

  1. So sorry.
    I feel just the same today :-(
    I need to quell the anxiety, but not with any behaviours that harm my place in recovery.
    Its so, so hard sometimes.
    With you.
    Jennifer xxoo