What NOT to Say

In case you ever need to know this, in case you don't already know this, I have some news. I have news of something you should never say to a recovering anorexic ANYONE. "Oh look at you having another donut." Don't say it in an office. Don't say it in front of other people. Don't say it in jest. JUST DON'T SAY IT!

I am grateful that I'm in a stable food place because a year ago those words would have spiraled me. They would have spiraled me whether said about me or said about someone else in my presence. They would have shamed me. This year they frustrate me but are not spiraling me.

Yes, I had a second donut that day. No, I won't allow myself to feel guilty that I had 2 donuts on my sons birthday. The words were not intended to be hurtful. They were intended in a "good for you, go get 'em" kind of way. She doesn't even know my history.

And THAT is why to not say food shaming words to ANYONE. You have no idea if the person you are talking about has had food difficulties. You have no idea if someone else who hears you talk has food issues.

I don't look like I battle an eating disorder, many of us don't. Please be cautious with your words. Even when they are well intentioned they can wound.

what you said and what she heard

what you said: You look great!  (with a gesture towards her body)
what she heard:  Oh my gosh!  I have gained a million pounds and they think I look chunky now!

what you said: WOW, have you been working out lately?
what she heard: Nice job on the weight loss, keep starving!  It's paying.

what you said: I wish I could be tiny like you!
what she heard:  You better not gain weight or no one will want to be like you anymore.  No one likes a fat girl.

what you said: I need to drop a few of these pounds!  My hips are huge!
what she heard: You need to drop a few more pounds!  Your hips are huge!

what you said:  I finally dropped my baby weight plus some!
what she heard: You could stand to shed a few pounds yourself.

what you said:  I don't eat _______ kind of food, it makes me bloated/gain weight/against my diet
what she heard:  You shouldn't eat.

what you said:  have you lost weight again?
what she heard:  I don't think that you have really have lost weight?  You still look bigger to me.

what you said:  Aren't you going to eat?
what she heard:  I can't believe I have to deal with your garbage AGAIN. Can't you just get over yourself and quit making me uncomfortable around you?

It doesn't make sense.  It isn't rational.  That is the disorder of it. Your intentions are good, she is just hearing you through orange colored hearing aids.  The disorder takes priority over all else.  If you could rationalize it, she wouldn't have a problem and you wouldn't need to rationalize it. 

Small things trigger her, and you don't even mean to.  Things like new health food kicks, how long you spent at the gym, how much weight you have lost by running, your disgust/unappreciation of your own body, or saying your actual weight or your desired weight.  To you it is random conversation, to her, it is an obsession of body image.  She won't hear what you really say and that is not your fault, it is the disorders fault.

This wasn't a post to scare you away from talking to someone with an eating disorder.  It was a post to help you understand a little bit of what goes on inside her brain while you are talking to her.  Keep talking, she needs to know she is worth knowing.

my saving grace

Today I was thinking about the things (well people really) that have carried me through the last year.  I realized how grateful I am for so many people who held my arms up when I couldn't do it myself.

Hubby has been so wonderful to me.  I was looking at him today thinking how blessed I am to have him.  I explained orange thoughts.  It is a much easier way to talk in code.  He has been through so much through all of this and yet he has remained strong and still loves me.  I would have never sought help if he hadn't told me I needed to.  I would have never stayed in treatment.  I would have never even tried to stick with recovery if not for his love and encouragement. 

My dear friend K.  I have known K for 23 years.  We were close when we were kids.  When my struggle with orange became severe she stood by me.  She gave me incredible words and follow up actions to those words.  She said she had no idea what I needed from her, that she didn't really understand what I was going through but that she wanted to walk through it with me.  K asked questions and listened to answers.  She didn't judge, she wasn't harsh. And we talked about other things beside my battle with food.  Some days I needed to talk about my struggle.  Some days I needed to not talk about anything.  Some days we talked about our kids.  Some days we talked about the recent grief in her life.  Some days we talked about therapy.  Some days we reminisced about our childhood days, the books and movies we loved to share with each other.  Some days we vented about our mothers.  Every single day was different but the fact remains, she has been there for me every step of the way.  I would say to anyone who doesn't know how to help someone, learn from K.  She told me she didn't know how to help or what I would need but what I needed was someone who didn't try to fix me but was willing to love me and walk with me on a really lonely and difficult road.  She gave me the freedom to hurt and the freedom to heal.  Thanks, K.  I love you and you have absolutely no idea how much you have given to me this past year!

And my blogger buddies.  I wondered today how I would have gotten through the loss of a friendship without you to let me cry on your shoulders and offer encouragement.  I wondered how I would have made it through the lonely nights without knowing someone else was fighting too.  I wondered if I hadn't found you as my recovery support, how much further my addiction support would have taken me.  I'm glad to know others feel like I do, though I wish for each of you that you didn't know this struggle!  I'm grateful to not be alone but I wish you could see in yourselves what I see in you and wish you didn't have to walk this road also.  (I'm talking to you,  you,  you, you, and to you.)  You are amazing women.  I'm glad to know others are fighting also and not just giving in.

MOPS.  Wow, I don't think I could say how great you gals have been.  I went into the hospital the week that MOPS was starting.  I got out the day before our first meeting.  I went, simply because as part of the leadership, I had a responsibility to help set up.  You ladies encouraged me consistently.  Steph, you were my security blanket when I just couldn't stand in the food line and be ok and you also called me out when I needed a butt kicking.  You never let me "get away with it".  Thanks for loving me in the middle of your own pain from the journey you are on.  I don't know how it is possible to have that many women in a room and feel supported and loved rather than feeling the catty backstabbing atmosphere that usually accompanies a large group of women.  Thanks ladies for your kindness.

And God, thank you for putting the people in my life who I would need.  Thank you for carrying me through when I couldn't have walked through on my own strength.  It is only by the grace of God that I stand.

(I know, I totally sound like I just won a Grammy or some such nonsense with this post, but it had to be said.  I was just in such awe tonight as I thought about all the people who have poured into my life during the most difficult year of my adult life.)

accountability?

Around the same time as talking to the pastor (though I genuinely don't remember if this was right before or right after) I must have talked with two of my guy friends.  I don't remember telling them, but I do remember them worrying about me.  Their worry and subsequent "accountability" were well intentioned though not well executed.  Every time they saw me they would ask if I had eaten.  The focus was always on what, how much and when I ate.  Too much focus on food! Mental note to those of you walking alongside of someone struggling with food issues, *do NOT make the focus about the food!*  Because all that they focused on was food with me, I focused on it more myself, but not in a healthy way.  I obsessed even more about not eating because food was suddenly the thing most on the forefront of my mind.  I finally started lying, just to get them to quit asking.  Yes, I did eat, this morning with the girls.  One day one of them asked me what I had eaten.  I am a terrible liar so I didn't even attempt.  "A tootsie roll," I responded. 

Of course they were horrified and promptly took me to Denny's and asked what I wanted to eat.  Nothing!  I didn't want to eat a single thing on that menu!  I was willing to compromise on a salad but they wouldn't hear of it.  I had to get some "real food"  in me.  They ordered me a burger.  I ate about 3 bites and then was legitimately full.  Not eating causes your stomach to shrink.  They didn't understand and forced me to finish the burger.  This cycle only made matters worse because I felt so sick after eating so much that I had no hunger pains or desire to eat for several days.  They had the best of intentions and yet they made the cycle even harder to break by constantly barraging me about food and then forcing me to eat more than my body was ready for.

Let me tell you a little secret about eating disorders, if you deal with the root causes and hurts, you will have much more success with dealing with the symptoms.  Not eating is a symptom of a much greater pain.  It is different reasons for each person who deals with it.  For me, not eating was a symptom of needing control in my life, a way to express my extreme emotional hurt, a way to make my body obey me, a way to feel a little less unworthy, a way to prove I could be gorgeous, a way to show that my body could be used in a way that didn't involve sex.  The list goes on, I'm sure you get it though.  As the hurts of the past started to be healed, the eating gradually got easier. 

So again, please remember that when you encounter someone who deals with eating disorders.  The eating disorder is not the cause, it is the symptom. Like any disease, treating the symptom will not make the disease go away it will only mask the outward devastation of the disease.  Do NOT make everything focused around food!  Focus, instead, on getting to know that wounded little girl.  Focus on loving her when she is difficult to love.  Focus on protecting her when she feels attacked.  Love her unconditionally.  Eventually love and trust will break down her walls.  When you get past those walls to the real issues, help her tackle them.  Don't for a moment think that food is the issue, it isn't.