The depression has been dark. Hubby has been kind. Yesterday was one in a series of days that he took care of me both physically and emotionally. In the quiet darkness of our bedroom, I lean into his arms. I whisper thank you for taking care of me today. He brushes hair from my face, leans into my ear and whispers back the last words I heard before sleep came, "You're worth taking care of."
Words he repeated again by mornings light, just to make sure that I had heard them. I shake my head, I don't understand. But I am grateful that he does. I'm worth the effort, even though sometimes it is great.
Showing posts with label worth fighting for. Show all posts
Showing posts with label worth fighting for. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Rules and Regulations
I long for freedom from rules almost as much as I long for rules right now. I am struggling to keep my brain from overpowering me with rules. Rules, what I can or cannot eat. How much I can eat. How many calories I can have. The order in which I eat and the way I prepare my meals. The design and perfect order of how my plate is arranged. I am maintaining a recovery place. I am not using behaviors that cause me to stumble. I am also longing for the security that food rules give me.
I also desperately long to be completely free. I long for the day when I refer to my eating disorder in the past tense. I press on in recovery because someday I will be free. Someday the rules will be the past, someday I will not crave their structure. For now, I will settle for fighting the longing for their structure and stability. For now I will just keep fighting.
I also desperately long to be completely free. I long for the day when I refer to my eating disorder in the past tense. I press on in recovery because someday I will be free. Someday the rules will be the past, someday I will not crave their structure. For now, I will settle for fighting the longing for their structure and stability. For now I will just keep fighting.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
containing the damage? I hope so
I wonder if there really is some amount of truth in the thoughts of genetics playing a role in eating disorders. I mean, it can't all be the crazy messages of false beauty because everyone hears them but not everyone gets trapped in the dark world of eating disorders. Majority of the women that I talk to are trapped by the messages that their bodies are not good enough, pretty enough or small enough. But majority of the women I know do not end up starving themselves or purging their ingested nutrients. Is it possible that like other diseases that there are physical factors that make one more susceptible to an eating disorder?
I have been walking through some big and often scary things with one of my children. I have only one who I worry about as far as food issues go. I have one who has for years now been more sensitive about food, body size and weight than is probably normal or healthy for his age. This is the child who sometimes refuses to eat, claiming he isn't really hungry. This is the child who talks about losing weight. This is the child who talks about one day diets. This is the child who sometimes mentions that he feels a little lighter that day. This is the child who we are specific in not mentioning pants sizes with because he is an average waist size but his brother is a slim sized pant. This is the child who the pediatrician specifically has told me to keep an eye on his habits and behaviors to make sure that if he starts sliding down that path that we can help him before it is too late and he is trapped.
Recently he had a school assignment that involved writing about why healthy breakfast is important. He really struggled with it. As I dug a little deeper I discovered that he doesn't believe that any breakfast is important at all much less healthy breakfast. We read articles online about breakfast. One headline caught his eye about how eating breakfast can help you lose weight. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense. Eating food is what makes you fat." A part of me died when he said that and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.
I helped him look up articles about metabolism, breakfast, fueling the body. We looked at many that were geared directly toward the nutrition that children need to grow and to feed their brains. I could see him finally starting to accept some of the information but that didn't happen until we hit WebMD. That was the only site he was willing to trust somewhat, albeit reluctantly, because actual doctors wrote the articles and did the video interviews. For three hours we read and talked and hung out together discussing what we had learned. He finally had enough of an arsenal that he felt like he could do the assignment.
Later in the kitchen he was writing and he informed me that his friend's parent probably don't know the same information that he had just learned. I asked why and he told me that that these particular parents are on a diet and trying to lose weight. He said that they usually skip breakfast because the other two meals they have planned for the day are too high in calories and they don't want to go over their amount of calories or they won't lose weight.
WHAT?????? Are you freakin kidding me????? Why on earth would you say stuff like that to children? What part of that sounds like information that growing children need to think about? My kids are growing. They NEED the nutrition. Their bones and muscles need to grow and develop. Their brains need to be able to grow, to learn, to be healthy. And all of that includes them EATING. Why do adults talk about their diets to children? Ugh, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach. I'm not blaming them for my son's views on food. I am however annoyed that they fueled a fire that has already been trying to gain ground for a long time now. I know it was unknowingly done, but I still don't understand talking with kids about diets. It is information that they simply do not need, they need to concentrate on growing up not on losing weight.
I'm sure that you know this, I went to bed emotionally drained and at a loss for words that night.
I have been walking through some big and often scary things with one of my children. I have only one who I worry about as far as food issues go. I have one who has for years now been more sensitive about food, body size and weight than is probably normal or healthy for his age. This is the child who sometimes refuses to eat, claiming he isn't really hungry. This is the child who talks about losing weight. This is the child who talks about one day diets. This is the child who sometimes mentions that he feels a little lighter that day. This is the child who we are specific in not mentioning pants sizes with because he is an average waist size but his brother is a slim sized pant. This is the child who the pediatrician specifically has told me to keep an eye on his habits and behaviors to make sure that if he starts sliding down that path that we can help him before it is too late and he is trapped.
Recently he had a school assignment that involved writing about why healthy breakfast is important. He really struggled with it. As I dug a little deeper I discovered that he doesn't believe that any breakfast is important at all much less healthy breakfast. We read articles online about breakfast. One headline caught his eye about how eating breakfast can help you lose weight. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense. Eating food is what makes you fat." A part of me died when he said that and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.
I helped him look up articles about metabolism, breakfast, fueling the body. We looked at many that were geared directly toward the nutrition that children need to grow and to feed their brains. I could see him finally starting to accept some of the information but that didn't happen until we hit WebMD. That was the only site he was willing to trust somewhat, albeit reluctantly, because actual doctors wrote the articles and did the video interviews. For three hours we read and talked and hung out together discussing what we had learned. He finally had enough of an arsenal that he felt like he could do the assignment.
Later in the kitchen he was writing and he informed me that his friend's parent probably don't know the same information that he had just learned. I asked why and he told me that that these particular parents are on a diet and trying to lose weight. He said that they usually skip breakfast because the other two meals they have planned for the day are too high in calories and they don't want to go over their amount of calories or they won't lose weight.
WHAT?????? Are you freakin kidding me????? Why on earth would you say stuff like that to children? What part of that sounds like information that growing children need to think about? My kids are growing. They NEED the nutrition. Their bones and muscles need to grow and develop. Their brains need to be able to grow, to learn, to be healthy. And all of that includes them EATING. Why do adults talk about their diets to children? Ugh, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach. I'm not blaming them for my son's views on food. I am however annoyed that they fueled a fire that has already been trying to gain ground for a long time now. I know it was unknowingly done, but I still don't understand talking with kids about diets. It is information that they simply do not need, they need to concentrate on growing up not on losing weight.
I'm sure that you know this, I went to bed emotionally drained and at a loss for words that night.
Monday, September 24, 2012
memories on the verge of darkness
It's there. It's on the verge of my consciousness. It wants to be dealt with. I have no idea what aspect of it still lingers to be dealt with so I keep stuffing it. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to feel it. I don't want to think that those little things that have been randomly triggering it could be the Lord's gentle leading to let Him heal that part of my life.
It is so much easier to just keep it compartmentalized. Well, not really in the long run, but for the part of me that knows the huge sopping puddle I become when these things surface, it is easier. It is easier to set it to the side than engage in the feelings that have been threatening to surface.
So there you have it friends. I know that when small things start triggering, and when my dreams contain multiple re-tellings of things I want to forget, that at some point I will either choose to face the feelings or I will run and hide until the feelings overcome me. It will happen. I've never actually chosen to face the feelings. I usually let them hunt me out and destroy me for whatever their time frame for healing is.
So maybe this time will be different. Maybe because I see it on the horizon, I will not need to hurt to the extent that I have in the past to heal. I say that with a laugh. The pain isn't in if I allow my feelings now, it is in allowing feelings I haven't ever allowed myself to fully feel. I don't look forward to healing. I don't look forward to rebreaking a bone to allow it to heal properly. I don't look forward to the pain on the horizon.
Right now, I'm still running from it, hoping that this time I can outrun it. Right now I will continue to stuff it all down and go about my day to day. I still have to go to work. I am still a wife and mother. Those things don't get to be put on hold when I feel, though God knows I wish they could. And when the day that I know is coming does indeed come, could you still love me and hold me up and encourage me that the pain won't last forever? Would you remind me that God will carry me through the darkness, that He won't leave me, and that this will bring about healing?
It is so much easier to just keep it compartmentalized. Well, not really in the long run, but for the part of me that knows the huge sopping puddle I become when these things surface, it is easier. It is easier to set it to the side than engage in the feelings that have been threatening to surface.
So there you have it friends. I know that when small things start triggering, and when my dreams contain multiple re-tellings of things I want to forget, that at some point I will either choose to face the feelings or I will run and hide until the feelings overcome me. It will happen. I've never actually chosen to face the feelings. I usually let them hunt me out and destroy me for whatever their time frame for healing is.
So maybe this time will be different. Maybe because I see it on the horizon, I will not need to hurt to the extent that I have in the past to heal. I say that with a laugh. The pain isn't in if I allow my feelings now, it is in allowing feelings I haven't ever allowed myself to fully feel. I don't look forward to healing. I don't look forward to rebreaking a bone to allow it to heal properly. I don't look forward to the pain on the horizon.
Right now, I'm still running from it, hoping that this time I can outrun it. Right now I will continue to stuff it all down and go about my day to day. I still have to go to work. I am still a wife and mother. Those things don't get to be put on hold when I feel, though God knows I wish they could. And when the day that I know is coming does indeed come, could you still love me and hold me up and encourage me that the pain won't last forever? Would you remind me that God will carry me through the darkness, that He won't leave me, and that this will bring about healing?
Friday, July 13, 2012
Be The Change You Wish to See
It isn't ok. Assault is never ok. Bullying, whether it be in the form of words, physical actions or sexual assault is not acceptable.
So I've told the story before, as least I think I have. When I was in high school I was attacked by someone who had been a friend of mine. We were alone in the chapel (private school, remember?), it was fairly dark with worship music playing. He called me over to where he was and asked me a question. We talked for a few minutes.
He told me he liked me and wanted to know if I would go on a date with him. I told him no, I was seeing someone else. Before I knew it he was kissing me. "Well now how do you feel about me?" I wanted to scream, "I HATE YOU! I SAID NO!" but instead I just froze. I tried to tell him again that I wasn't interested. And in moments that happened so quickly I am not entirely sure how it happened, I found myself on the ground pinned down.
I didn't know it was possible for anyone to have that many hands, they were everywhere. I couldn't move. He was still kissing me, I couldn't pull away and I couldn't even scream. As he tore the buttons off of my shirt and broke my bra strap, I knew he was going to rape me and in my head I said, "God, help." Suddenly my attacker was against the wall as if he was being held there, staring at me with a blank "What just happened?" kind of a look.
I seized the opportunity and ran, clutching my shirt closed. I wore my coat for the rest of classes. I didn't tell anyone at first. I was so scared and so ashamed. A couple of days later, I told a youth group leader and she gave me the courage and even went with me to tell the school administration.
Here is the surprising part. The school did nothing. First they said I must have been mistaken. Then they finally called him in and he admitted to it. They gave him a one day in school suspension, which basically meant he did homework in the office instead of going to classes. I felt really devalued. My parents were pissed.
Now I know I don't always have great things to say about my mom and that I struggle with her a lot, but this time she did right by me. She went in to the principal's office every.single.day for two months until that boy was kicked out of school. He said he couldn't help it, that was just how he was. They tried to tell us that. My parents would hear none of it. My mom finally went over the principal's head to the director. Finally they acted.
A year or so ago I read an article in my husband's Sports Illustrated about a girl who had been sexually assaulted at school and the school refused to protect her. Her dad stood up for her. I remember reading it and being pissed that once again the school protected the attacker not the victim.
And folks, it is happening again. Read this blog. Ok, so Lillian wasn't sexually assaulted but she was still assaulted. She was hurt at school from bullying, hurt enough to need medical intervention and the school is protecting the wrong person. Her mamma and auntie are tough cookies though and they are advocating for her. Her story has moved like wildfire across the country.
I can't make every bully stop bullying. I can't throw every starfish back in the ocean. But I can make a difference for one. WE can make a difference for Lilly. I know first hand what it feels like for the school to say it wasn't a big deal, that I was exaggerating, that I was lying, and that he couldn't help himself. I know what it feels like when the people who should be there to protect you end up protecting the person who hurt you AND IT SUCKS.
I've written to the principal Nick Johnson (njohnson@hpsk12.net) as well as to the superintendent Dr. Johnny Scott (jscott@hpsk12.net). I also wrote a note to Lillian to let her know that I stand with her and that she is worth fighting for. I'm tired of hearing about bullies being protected or rewarded. It isn't right. Tonight I decided to do something about it. It may only be one, but I'm going to stand up for this one. And if I hear of another who needs support, I'll stand up for them as well. Someone needs to change the world. Why not us?
So I've told the story before, as least I think I have. When I was in high school I was attacked by someone who had been a friend of mine. We were alone in the chapel (private school, remember?), it was fairly dark with worship music playing. He called me over to where he was and asked me a question. We talked for a few minutes.
He told me he liked me and wanted to know if I would go on a date with him. I told him no, I was seeing someone else. Before I knew it he was kissing me. "Well now how do you feel about me?" I wanted to scream, "I HATE YOU! I SAID NO!" but instead I just froze. I tried to tell him again that I wasn't interested. And in moments that happened so quickly I am not entirely sure how it happened, I found myself on the ground pinned down.
I didn't know it was possible for anyone to have that many hands, they were everywhere. I couldn't move. He was still kissing me, I couldn't pull away and I couldn't even scream. As he tore the buttons off of my shirt and broke my bra strap, I knew he was going to rape me and in my head I said, "God, help." Suddenly my attacker was against the wall as if he was being held there, staring at me with a blank "What just happened?" kind of a look.
I seized the opportunity and ran, clutching my shirt closed. I wore my coat for the rest of classes. I didn't tell anyone at first. I was so scared and so ashamed. A couple of days later, I told a youth group leader and she gave me the courage and even went with me to tell the school administration.
Here is the surprising part. The school did nothing. First they said I must have been mistaken. Then they finally called him in and he admitted to it. They gave him a one day in school suspension, which basically meant he did homework in the office instead of going to classes. I felt really devalued. My parents were pissed.
Now I know I don't always have great things to say about my mom and that I struggle with her a lot, but this time she did right by me. She went in to the principal's office every.single.day for two months until that boy was kicked out of school. He said he couldn't help it, that was just how he was. They tried to tell us that. My parents would hear none of it. My mom finally went over the principal's head to the director. Finally they acted.
A year or so ago I read an article in my husband's Sports Illustrated about a girl who had been sexually assaulted at school and the school refused to protect her. Her dad stood up for her. I remember reading it and being pissed that once again the school protected the attacker not the victim.
And folks, it is happening again. Read this blog. Ok, so Lillian wasn't sexually assaulted but she was still assaulted. She was hurt at school from bullying, hurt enough to need medical intervention and the school is protecting the wrong person. Her mamma and auntie are tough cookies though and they are advocating for her. Her story has moved like wildfire across the country.
I can't make every bully stop bullying. I can't throw every starfish back in the ocean. But I can make a difference for one. WE can make a difference for Lilly. I know first hand what it feels like for the school to say it wasn't a big deal, that I was exaggerating, that I was lying, and that he couldn't help himself. I know what it feels like when the people who should be there to protect you end up protecting the person who hurt you AND IT SUCKS.
I've written to the principal Nick Johnson (njohnson@hpsk12.net) as well as to the superintendent Dr. Johnny Scott (jscott@hpsk12.net). I also wrote a note to Lillian to let her know that I stand with her and that she is worth fighting for. I'm tired of hearing about bullies being protected or rewarded. It isn't right. Tonight I decided to do something about it. It may only be one, but I'm going to stand up for this one. And if I hear of another who needs support, I'll stand up for them as well. Someone needs to change the world. Why not us?
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