I long for freedom from rules almost as much as I long for rules right now. I am struggling to keep my brain from overpowering me with rules. Rules, what I can or cannot eat. How much I can eat. How many calories I can have. The order in which I eat and the way I prepare my meals. The design and perfect order of how my plate is arranged. I am maintaining a recovery place. I am not using behaviors that cause me to stumble. I am also longing for the security that food rules give me.
I also desperately long to be completely free. I long for the day when I refer to my eating disorder in the past tense. I press on in recovery because someday I will be free. Someday the rules will be the past, someday I will not crave their structure. For now, I will settle for fighting the longing for their structure and stability. For now I will just keep fighting.