God in the ordinary

Yesterday at church, Pastor passed the microphone around for anyone to say what they are thankful for.  Person after person stood up and told tales of how God had moved mightily.  I never talk when they pass the microphone, but yesterday the tug at my soul was far too great.  I still wasn't going to speak but the microphone got handed right next to my head and I suddenly was reaching for it.

"I have nothing profound to say." I heard the strange echo of my own voice being broadcast to each person in the sanctuary.  "I am just thankful that I am at church with my whole family.  We've been battling the crud and missed the last five weeks of church while we each passed sickness to the next. I'm thankful today that my family is healthy enough, finally, that we could come to church today!"

I sat with the sick feeling in my stomach that comes when I talk in front of large groups.  But I didn't regret standing.  On the way home, I told Hubby I don't usually talk when they give the opportunity.  He said he was glad that I did this time.  And as I talked to him I knew exactly why I felt so drawn to share.

I was thankful for something small.  I was thankful for the fact that God showed up in an ordinary way in my life.  In comparison to the stories of miracles upon miracles, it was not worth celebrating.  But see that is the reason that I needed to celebrate.  Is it possible that we often miss God because we are looking for the wonderous not the ordinary?  Do we too often look over the ways that God says "I love you, Child" because we haven't seen glory surrounding it? 

I'm thankful for stories of brain surgeries that were successful against the odds.  I'm thankful for stories of job transfers that brought the person to a place where the owner had been praying for a godly man to fill the position and God directed both parties to each other.  I'm thankful for the prodigals who renewed relationships with their families and for the family finally able to adopt their special needs child after a long and hard road.  Those are amazing stories and well worth celebrating. 

But so are the little stories.  The stories that say my family is finally over thier colds, that someone who feels overwhelmed was able to wake up with a smile for the first time in weeks, that the rolls you made on Thanksgiving turned out well, that your favorite song came on the radio.  You get it.  There are a million ways God says He loves us and if we only wait to hear the big ones, we will miss out on so much of God.

Oddly enough, I was just sitting at my desk reading a book my dear friend gave me.  And I read these words,

"Isn't it here? The wonder?  Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it?  Do we truly stumble so blind that we must be afronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur?  The very same surging magificence that cascades over our every day here.  Who has time or eyes to notice?"

 

That paragraph came from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  If you haven't read it, you should.  It is a beautiful book.  I just loved that the day after I told Hubby that we miss God in the day to day because we look for Him only in the extrodinary would be the day that I read in such poetic form the exact sentiment.

 

What are you thankful for today?  In the midst of pain there is still something beautiful.  In the midst of suffering God still says I love you.  How will you hear it today?  A song that soothes the soul, an email from an old friend, the falling of snowflakes on a quiet day, a cup of coffee in a favorite mug or shared with a friend.  Whatever it is, know that God is saying He loves us today, and we need only to hear it in our own languages. 

Fifty Shades of Heartbreak

It's the hottest book series on the market right now, Fifty Shades of Grey.  I heard it was like the adult version of Twilight, with lots of racy adult scenes.  I read the back cover and didn't seem too intrigued.  The intrigue came when a firestorm of a debate came on Facebook.

My friend was heavily attacked because she had read the book and enjoyed it.  Someone "unfriended" her sending an email criticizing this friends Christianity, her marriage, and her desire to read such wonton hussy books.  That did it.  My friend is one of the sweetest people on the planet.  She is kind and doesn't judge others.  She is an amazing woman, a wonderful wife to her military man and a fabulous mother to her girls.

I was pissed that she was judged so harshly (by someone who had not read the books, no less) and suddenly I wanted to read them.  I wanted to know what the big deal was.  The last things that sparked huge controversy in the Christian community ended up being series that I now love, Harry Potter and Twilight.  This, I expected, would be the same as those.

So here is my thoughts on the book, there is a bit of a spoiler alert but not much more than the review on ABC news and for some, this spoiler alert is needed.  I could have used it. 

The book is racy.  The part where they first have sex made me ravenous for my husband.  It created a physical response in me so unbelievably strong that I wished Hubby wasn't already asleep.  I'm not opposed to racy in a book.  I am opposed to this book though.

Christan Grey asked Ana to sign a contract allowing him to be her dominate and her to be his submissive.  The contract states that if she is not submissive to his every whim that he has authority to "discipline" her.  He has any number of ways that is accomplished, through a belt, a whip, a cat of nine tails, a cane etc.  He was made to be a submissive through his teenage years and that is where his dominating sexual appetite comes from. 

I had to close the book.  My heart was racing and not with desire.  My heart was racing with fear.  Now I have a wild side.  But this was just too much for me.  Memories flooded my mind.  I couldn't sleep and when I did it was not well.

This morning I picked the book up again.  I thought that possibly I had over-reacted.  Maybe I was just tired and that is what sparked those feelings.  Maybe Ana doesn't actually sign the contract.  Maybe it really is a love story like everyone said.  I started reading and felt that same sick pit in my stomach again.

I flipped later in the book.  He was beating her with a belt.  She was in her mind crying and begging him to stop but never saying a word.  (I also read the last few pages but I won't spoil that part for those of you who don't want to hear the end.) I can't do this book.  I pushed it away from me while the tears sprung up.  I understand the sexual appeal of some of the things in the book.  I cannot handle though, the physical aspect of how those sexual moments come to be.

I've been held down, unable to move while someone forces his hands on my body.  It wasn't love, that is for sure.  I've been hurt for not doing as I was told.  It isn't as glamorous as this book portrays.  I guess my thought is this, sometimes I do enjoy doing exactly as my husband says.  It can really be a turn on.  But he would never beat me if I didn't.  That is my issue.

How does loving someone ever mean wanting to beat them?  How does loving someone ever mean wanting them to hurt?  Submitting and hurting are different things.  I personally feel like it crossed the line into abuse.  I'm just not ok with it.  I'm not ok with telling other women that it is ok, good even,  to be beaten for sexual pleasure.

I'm sure that someone out there is going to bring up that Ana willingly signed the contract, that she desired to be hurt and that makes is why it is different from abuse.  I've heard that argument but I still can't go with it.  For me, in my life, coming from my past, this book is too close to the abuse that I suffered and I cannot bring myself to relive it from the perspective of someone who willingly subjects herself to it.  Your opinion may be different, and that is ok.  We can agree to disagree.

Right now I am nursing my fifty shades of broken heart.  Though I am not a spoiler alert kind of gal, I really wish someone has given me a spoiler alert.  I would have never read this book.  It was just too triggering for me.  I'll be ok, but I'm not right this moment.  I'm hurt.

Captivating book review

This is one of the most amazing books I have ever read!  Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge is by far the best book I have ever read.  The first time I read it I found it to be life changing.  I was in a healthy "recovered" place then but still dealing with thoughts of not good enough, failure, don't have anything to offer.......  Those years ago, reading this book changed my perspective.  Those years ago I came away from this book realizing that God made me to yearn for beauty and that I should not beat myself up for longing to see and experience beauty.  I realized then that God had given me a voice to use, that He had created me for purpose, and that I had something to offer the world.

Now fast forward a few years to the me who lost my way, relapsed big time and is now pursuing recovery again.  I am re-reading the book.  It is still well worth my time, and still life changing even at a different stage of life.  I have to share a small excerpt that absolutely floored me tonight.

The ways we find to numb our aches, our longings, and our pain are not benign.  They are malignant.  They entangle themselves in our souls like a cancer and, once attached, become addictions that are both cruel and relentless.  Though we seek them out for a little relief from the sorrows of life, addictions turn on us and imprison us in chains that separate us from the heart of God and others as well.  It is a lonely prison of our own making, each chain forged in the fire of our indulgent choice.  Yet, "Our lovers have so intertwined themselves with our identity that to give them up feels like personal death...We wonder if it is possible to live without them. (The Sacred Romance)"

 We need not be ashamed that our hearts ache; that we need and thirst and hunger for much more.  All of our hearts ache.  All of our hearts are at some level unsatisfied and longing.  It is our insatiable need for more that drives us to our God.  What we need to see is that all our controlling and our hiding, all our indulging, actually serves to separate us from our hearts.  We lose touch with those longings that make us women.  And the substitutes never, ever resolve the deeper issue of our souls.

Sorry because I know that was a long excerpt.  This part just spoke to my soul tonight when I read it again.  It seems so relevant to my post a few days ago where I said I want to get better but I don't want to let go of this to do it.  I do seek out my addiction for relief from the pain, it does bring temporary relief and then the chains ensnare me.  I do fear letting go of orange because it does feel like a separate identity and how would I live without it?  And yet, the substitute never does resolve the deeper issues of my soul.

Some book review, huh?  Here I am still talking about me instead of the book!  Well here is the verdict.  Run, don't walk, to your nearest bookstore and buy this book.  You could get it from the library but I highly recommend owning a copy.  My copy has been underlined and highlighted.  It has been re-read.  EVERY woman should read this book.  I personally think men should read it too.  It gives such great insight into the heart, the very essence, of women.

The Pursuit of Perfect

I have recently developed the habit of getting audio books when I go to the library.  I love to read but often just don't have the time.  I started getting audio books when I had a cd player in my car and now I play them in my kitchen while I am cooking dinner, doing dishes, and whatever else keeps me in the kitchen kid free for more than 5 minutes.  The other advantage of this is that I have a "dead tree book" (my dad-in-law's phrase since he got his Kindle) that I actually read when I have time to sit down and I have the one I listen to, so I get to have 2 books going at once and both get equal attention.

Currently I am listening to The Pursuit of Perfect by Tal Ben-Shahar. 






My first impression of the audio version is that the guy reading sounds vaguely like a robot and is at times a bit boring to listen to.  But the content of the book, however, fabulous.  I have only listened to the first of 7 discs and so far I have to say this book is hitting home in way too many ways.  I find myself on one hand agreeing with much of what is said and on the other hand wanting to throw my cd player to the ground because it is so right on that it is a bit eerie.  He even addresses eating disorders and the role that perfectionism can play in it.  


One part that resonated is how a perfectionist sees things only in black and white, success and failure.  There is no middle ground.  In the case of eating disorders, the perfection drives one to starve to achieve perfection and there is no moderation.  There is no such thing as one piece of cake because that means failure.  If you have had one piece you may as well finish what's left because you have already failed by swerving from your strict acceptable foods list.  It is all or nothing.  


I have also seen how others expectations of perfection, specifically my mom's, have shaped my own view of what is ok and what is not.  I am suddenly aware that my inner perfectionist has been come by naturally.  I was raised with often times unrealistic expectations and have come to put those on myself.  I don't try new things or like to make decisions because what if I fail?  


The author does a really great job of portraying stories to support the evidence that failure is a necessary part of a healthy life.  It is a terrifying perspective to be sure, but also a healthy one.  It is definitely worth the time to read, especially if you have bold or latent perfectionist tendencies in you.  I would recommend the actual book over the audio on this one.  The content is fabulous but the reader is a little boring.  If audio is all you can get your hands on though, it is still worth it.