Would you think I was crazy if I told you there is a area at my work that scares me? No, not the lunchroom, though that scares me for totally unrelated reasons that I have already covered here! There is a place that I walk by and it brings back memories of attack.
When I walk by it the anxiety feels visible. If I'm playing it as well as I hope I am, no one can see the anxiety that I feel drips off of me like wax off a candle. But I feel it. I feel trapped when I'm near that area. I feel scared when I'm near that area. I feel not in control when I'm near that area. I want to run, hard and fast.
Remember when I said something was on the edge of my consciousness that would have to be dealt with? It started with a friend tagging her friend in a Facebook post. There was his name right in front of my face. The name I haven't heard in many years. It wasn't him, someone by the same name with a slightly different spelling. But it was enough.
A few days later I walked past this area at work and my palms got sweaty, my heart started racing and the tears threatened behind my eyes. Suddenly I was there again, being held down, clothes being ripped, my body being groped. My mind tried to tell my body that I wasn't really back there but it was too late, my body was already reacting.
Logic wasn't enough to convince my heart rate to come back to normal. Knowing he wasn't there, that I wasn't in danger, that I wasn't about to be hurt wasn't enough. And in my head right now I hear the article I read recently written by a counselor about PTSD, about how the body reacts no matter what the logic says.
I just walked by the "scary spot" when I was getting my lunch. I wanted to sprint again. I wanted to hide. I wanted to get away. So I sit here eating my lunch and blogging so that my heart rate will return to normal, my voice won't shake and my palms won't sweat so that I can get back to doing my job in a few minutes.
Silly really, that I react to something so simple. How I wish I were normal enough to not freak out at work over things that in reality don't still have the power to hurt me.
Showing posts with label something's wrong with me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label something's wrong with me. Show all posts
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
Monday, October 15, 2012
7 almonds a.k.a. screw the new health class
I swear that if I hear one more person tell me that you can only eat 7 almonds for your liver to function properly, that I will scream! If I hear one more conversation in the lunch room about sugar grams, fat grams, appropriate forms of protien, I may pull out all of my hair! But hey, at least I could make bald a new fashion statement, right?
I think that for the next 6 weeks of this stupid health class I will be enjoying lunch anywhere but the lunchroom! Sitting at my desk with my oatmeal and facebook suddenly seems like the best option EVER. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to tell people that sometimes there is such a thing as "too healthy". I want them to know that sometimes people like me take knowledge of health and distort it and use it as a weapon against my body instead of a tool to help my body.
I still read labels. I still refuse certain ingrediants. And I also am trying really hard to balance that with moderation. You know, the kind of moderation that says it is ok if someone brings in cookies to work to have one in spite of the fact that there is no label for me to read. The kind of moderation that that knows that homemade veggie lasagna is still a healthy option, even though it has noodles in it. The kind of moderation that has lacked in my life for a while now.
For the record, work is very orange enabling right now. I could count my almonds like they recommend, or I could trust that my nutritionist knows what she is talking about when she tells me that 1/4 cup is a serving and to not measure or count but instead trust my intuition. My health depends on trusting my nutritionist right now and not letting other voices interfere with the plan that she has laid out for me. That is so much easier to say than to do.
I think that for the next 6 weeks of this stupid health class I will be enjoying lunch anywhere but the lunchroom! Sitting at my desk with my oatmeal and facebook suddenly seems like the best option EVER. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to tell people that sometimes there is such a thing as "too healthy". I want them to know that sometimes people like me take knowledge of health and distort it and use it as a weapon against my body instead of a tool to help my body.
I still read labels. I still refuse certain ingrediants. And I also am trying really hard to balance that with moderation. You know, the kind of moderation that says it is ok if someone brings in cookies to work to have one in spite of the fact that there is no label for me to read. The kind of moderation that that knows that homemade veggie lasagna is still a healthy option, even though it has noodles in it. The kind of moderation that has lacked in my life for a while now.
For the record, work is very orange enabling right now. I could count my almonds like they recommend, or I could trust that my nutritionist knows what she is talking about when she tells me that 1/4 cup is a serving and to not measure or count but instead trust my intuition. My health depends on trusting my nutritionist right now and not letting other voices interfere with the plan that she has laid out for me. That is so much easier to say than to do.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
Even If....
My new favorite song Even If by Kutless......
Last week was hard. Really, REALLY hard. I've decided that suicidal thoughts come in many forms. I've had days of actively wanting to kill myself. Last week I didn't want to actually kill myself but I just wanted to die. My friend had a time similar this week. She didn't want to kill herself but wished that someone else would kill her. And it is all suicidal ideations whether it is wanting to kill myself, wanting to die or wanting someone else to take your life. And it is scary.
It is scary to fantasize about dying. Even when I am in a good place I still wonder what it would be like to die. Even when I am loving my life and not overwhelmed with depression, I still wonder what would happen if I took the entire bottle of pills. I still think about it, maybe not all the time, but regularly.
Last week I heard this song for the first time. It is truly what I believe. This song has moved my heart. If my healing never comes, if I struggle with depression, suicidal ideation, and eating disorders for the rest of my life, it won't change WHO God is. He is still good, even if my healing never comes.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
sometimes ignorance IS bliss
Thank you my dear friend for helping me fight today by feeding my family. We are all grateful, me beyond words.
Words fail me in trying to describe the battle inside of me. I want to explain but it doesn't make sense. Maybe it is better to stop trying to explain. My thoughts are scary, vocalized they become terrifying.
Words fail me in trying to describe the battle inside of me. I want to explain but it doesn't make sense. Maybe it is better to stop trying to explain. My thoughts are scary, vocalized they become terrifying.
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
depression and recent observations
I'm really struggling right now. Depression has creeped into every inch of my soul. I want to be ok, but I'm not. I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other but right now it is incredibly hard. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I find myself praying on the way to the work that the chit chat is minimal and the phones are quiet just so that I don't have to talk to anyone.
On another note, I've been observing people a lot lately. I've had questions. My friend and I have been discussing what is beautiful. Like for instance the photo below.....
Once being curvy was a sign of wealth, it meant you could afford food. Now being curvy is seen as a disgrace. Why? When did being a walking skeleton become better than looking like a woman?
I'm not any different. I think those skinny gals look amazing. I envy them. Until I see Keira next to Marilyn. And then I wonder where we went wrong as a society. Marilyn Monroe must be the sexiest woman in history and by today's standards she would be a plus sized model and second class to the likes of Heidi Klum, Kate Hudson, Keira Knightly. Why?
My friend posted this old advertisement.....
My friend made the comment that the skinny girl in the ad, looks miserable and hungry. How true. My lament was that now we are trying to lose those same 10-25 pounds that women 50 years ago were trying to gain. It isn't about being healthy, it's about being skinny. If it were about being healthy, we wouldn't be afraid of carbs or every single calorie. We would be balanced and sometimes chocolate cake would be ok. We would eat real food and we would look like women not sticks.
And another thought. Why are we as women so obsessed with getting the pre-pregnancy body back? Nothing about our lives is the same as before pregnancy, why do we expect our bodies to be the same? Why do we expect the body of a 12 year old instead of the body of a woman? Why are we so damn afraid of curves?
Better question, why am I so damn afraid? I see the walking skeletons, I don't think they are gorgeous. But I still end up envying them. I struggle to eat because I'm depressed and food seems so trivial right now. I have found myself not even getting hungry and eating simply because oh yeah, it's 2 o'clock and I haven't eaten anything yet. I just don't care.
I'm trying to care. I'm trying to hang in there. But really I want to crawl under a big rock and not come out. I want to hide. And I just want to sleep for a million bajillion years. I'll be ok, I always am. I've noticed a pattern, it is always worse in summer and near Christmas. It will get better. I'm ready for it to get better now.
Sorry if I rambled. I'm tired and over it. That is usually the best time to write to clear my head but also the worst because I verbally vomit all over the place.
On another note, I've been observing people a lot lately. I've had questions. My friend and I have been discussing what is beautiful. Like for instance the photo below.....
Once being curvy was a sign of wealth, it meant you could afford food. Now being curvy is seen as a disgrace. Why? When did being a walking skeleton become better than looking like a woman?
I'm not any different. I think those skinny gals look amazing. I envy them. Until I see Keira next to Marilyn. And then I wonder where we went wrong as a society. Marilyn Monroe must be the sexiest woman in history and by today's standards she would be a plus sized model and second class to the likes of Heidi Klum, Kate Hudson, Keira Knightly. Why?
My friend posted this old advertisement.....
My friend made the comment that the skinny girl in the ad, looks miserable and hungry. How true. My lament was that now we are trying to lose those same 10-25 pounds that women 50 years ago were trying to gain. It isn't about being healthy, it's about being skinny. If it were about being healthy, we wouldn't be afraid of carbs or every single calorie. We would be balanced and sometimes chocolate cake would be ok. We would eat real food and we would look like women not sticks.
And another thought. Why are we as women so obsessed with getting the pre-pregnancy body back? Nothing about our lives is the same as before pregnancy, why do we expect our bodies to be the same? Why do we expect the body of a 12 year old instead of the body of a woman? Why are we so damn afraid of curves?
Better question, why am I so damn afraid? I see the walking skeletons, I don't think they are gorgeous. But I still end up envying them. I struggle to eat because I'm depressed and food seems so trivial right now. I have found myself not even getting hungry and eating simply because oh yeah, it's 2 o'clock and I haven't eaten anything yet. I just don't care.
I'm trying to care. I'm trying to hang in there. But really I want to crawl under a big rock and not come out. I want to hide. And I just want to sleep for a million bajillion years. I'll be ok, I always am. I've noticed a pattern, it is always worse in summer and near Christmas. It will get better. I'm ready for it to get better now.
Sorry if I rambled. I'm tired and over it. That is usually the best time to write to clear my head but also the worst because I verbally vomit all over the place.
Monday, December 5, 2011
good news bad news
In case you wanted to know, it doesn't matter how far I stick my finger down my throat, I cannot throw up. It doesn't work with a toothbrush either. I have a faulty gag reflex. I have proved that once again. Sometimes the panic just gets to be too much and I have to try. I still can't purge. I guess that is the good news.
The bad news is that it is still an urge, one that tonight I couldn't make shut up no matter what I did until after my fingers had been jammed repeatedly down my throat. The bad news is that orange just won't get out of my ear tonight. The bad news is that in my shower tonight I contemplated scrubbing my skin till it bled like I used to. I wondered if I could find an area to cut that my husband wouldn't notice tomorrow and ask me what happened.
I wonder why these feel so strong tonight.
The bad news is that it is still an urge, one that tonight I couldn't make shut up no matter what I did until after my fingers had been jammed repeatedly down my throat. The bad news is that orange just won't get out of my ear tonight. The bad news is that in my shower tonight I contemplated scrubbing my skin till it bled like I used to. I wondered if I could find an area to cut that my husband wouldn't notice tomorrow and ask me what happened.
I wonder why these feel so strong tonight.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Guess I'm not ok afterall
I thought I was ok. I wondered why people kept asking if I was doing ok because I felt ok. And then I drove to work today.
I have a fear. I'm afraid that someday I will be in a car accident and people will think it was suicide not an accident. It is a legitimate fear. Today on my way to work I was having fantasies about my car running off the road. Now let me clarify, I was not thinking I wanted to die or that my family would be better off without me. I wasn't thinking of it in a suicidal way but nonetheless I was daydreaming about being in an accident.
The difference between this time last year and today? Had I been on this stretch of road this time last year I likely would not be here to write today. Last year I was actively looking for a place with no traffic to intentionally run my car off the road. Today I was just daydreaming about what it would be like if my car happened to run off the road. I'm just aware though that the step from one to the other is a small one.
I thought I was ok. Tonight the depression seems nearly suffocating though. How did I go from thinking I was ok yesterday to barely maintaining today? How did I go from thinking I was ok to fantasizing about car accidents overnight? I thought I was ok; turns out I was wrong.
I have a fear. I'm afraid that someday I will be in a car accident and people will think it was suicide not an accident. It is a legitimate fear. Today on my way to work I was having fantasies about my car running off the road. Now let me clarify, I was not thinking I wanted to die or that my family would be better off without me. I wasn't thinking of it in a suicidal way but nonetheless I was daydreaming about being in an accident.
The difference between this time last year and today? Had I been on this stretch of road this time last year I likely would not be here to write today. Last year I was actively looking for a place with no traffic to intentionally run my car off the road. Today I was just daydreaming about what it would be like if my car happened to run off the road. I'm just aware though that the step from one to the other is a small one.
I thought I was ok. Tonight the depression seems nearly suffocating though. How did I go from thinking I was ok yesterday to barely maintaining today? How did I go from thinking I was ok to fantasizing about car accidents overnight? I thought I was ok; turns out I was wrong.
Monday, July 11, 2011
Sunday hurt
Today is hubby's first day of vacation so if you don't see me for a few days, don't panic. I had a crazy weekend. Yesterday was one of the roughest days I've had in a really long time. I woke up completely, psychotically depressed. I found myself walking through the mall trying to escape being me.
I told my hubby that I wished I could be someone else for a day, someone who could be a complete f*ck up and not care. I wanted to get completely wasted. I wanted to max out a credit card on stupid purchases, like short skirts and high heels. (Credit card balances remained in tact, once again keeping the credit cards at home instead of in my wallet paid off!)
I wanted to not care about anything. I wanted to not care if I was appropriate. I wanted to not care if I ate. I wanted to not care if I were to smoke and drink. I wanted to not care about having a family to take care of. Wow, in black and white that sounds horrible! I guess I should clarify, first of all, I love my family and don't take for granted how wonderful they are. I wouldn't trade my life with them for any life without them. And yet, yesterday, I think I would have gone on an insane freak out of unhealthy measures if the ramifications would have not reached far enough to touch my family.
I felt horrible when my hubby came home from work, excited to be officially on vacation finally, and I wasn't nearly as excited as he was. Somewhere deep inside of me, I could feel the desire to want to be excited, but the closest emotion was apathy. I just didn't care. Again a small twinge of a feeling deep inside came up, his feelings were hurt and I really wanted to feel badly that I had hurt his feelings. But I couldn't summon the energy to feel those feelings that were seemingly so far away.
The day did get better and an hour long conversation with my favorite southern belle ended the night on a much better note. I don't know what got into me. I felt like behaving like the 17 year old me would have. It was crazy and a little scary in retrospect.
Today has been much better. I feel mostly back to me again. And my hubby just finished watching the home run derby and is waiting for my attentions. So have a great night friends and I'll be around probably after his vacation is over :)
I told my hubby that I wished I could be someone else for a day, someone who could be a complete f*ck up and not care. I wanted to get completely wasted. I wanted to max out a credit card on stupid purchases, like short skirts and high heels. (Credit card balances remained in tact, once again keeping the credit cards at home instead of in my wallet paid off!)
I wanted to not care about anything. I wanted to not care if I was appropriate. I wanted to not care if I ate. I wanted to not care if I were to smoke and drink. I wanted to not care about having a family to take care of. Wow, in black and white that sounds horrible! I guess I should clarify, first of all, I love my family and don't take for granted how wonderful they are. I wouldn't trade my life with them for any life without them. And yet, yesterday, I think I would have gone on an insane freak out of unhealthy measures if the ramifications would have not reached far enough to touch my family.
I felt horrible when my hubby came home from work, excited to be officially on vacation finally, and I wasn't nearly as excited as he was. Somewhere deep inside of me, I could feel the desire to want to be excited, but the closest emotion was apathy. I just didn't care. Again a small twinge of a feeling deep inside came up, his feelings were hurt and I really wanted to feel badly that I had hurt his feelings. But I couldn't summon the energy to feel those feelings that were seemingly so far away.
The day did get better and an hour long conversation with my favorite southern belle ended the night on a much better note. I don't know what got into me. I felt like behaving like the 17 year old me would have. It was crazy and a little scary in retrospect.
Today has been much better. I feel mostly back to me again. And my hubby just finished watching the home run derby and is waiting for my attentions. So have a great night friends and I'll be around probably after his vacation is over :)
Saturday, July 9, 2011
happy, sad, crazy, loved, hopeful, despairing......
Today I spent a great day with an old friend (who I was thrilled to see looking like a woman again rather than a skeleton). We've been together since high school and been through lots of crazy stuff together. It was fun to spend the entire morning with her.
I came home to my box from my Miche party in the living room. I'm not even close to patient when it comes to new toys in my house so I tore the box open and pulled out my new purses. Soooooo cute! I love being the hostess and getting the free/discounted stuff.
My kids are in the mountains enjoying their first ever fishing trip with Grandma and Grandpa. My house was quiet. Hubby took me on a date. We had a gift card for our favorite bbq restaurant. Time with my favorite person in the world always makes for a nice evening!
So why am I so sad? I have had a fabulous day. I even enjoyed my day as it was happening, not just in thinking back on it. I have no real reason for feeling like curling up in a ball and sobbing uncontrollably. How is it possible to be completely content and in love with my life and completely broken and consumed all in the same breath? How can I enjoy life and be dissatisfied with it at the same moment? Have I finally completely lost my mind? This makes no sense to my brain.
I came home to my box from my Miche party in the living room. I'm not even close to patient when it comes to new toys in my house so I tore the box open and pulled out my new purses. Soooooo cute! I love being the hostess and getting the free/discounted stuff.
My kids are in the mountains enjoying their first ever fishing trip with Grandma and Grandpa. My house was quiet. Hubby took me on a date. We had a gift card for our favorite bbq restaurant. Time with my favorite person in the world always makes for a nice evening!
So why am I so sad? I have had a fabulous day. I even enjoyed my day as it was happening, not just in thinking back on it. I have no real reason for feeling like curling up in a ball and sobbing uncontrollably. How is it possible to be completely content and in love with my life and completely broken and consumed all in the same breath? How can I enjoy life and be dissatisfied with it at the same moment? Have I finally completely lost my mind? This makes no sense to my brain.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
quick debrief
I don't have time. I need to debrief in a flash. Good day and bad day. Down some weight. Doc says I'm still in normal but the low end of normal now. My thyroid is now over functioning. Fun times.
Something must be wrong with me, but I don't know how to fix it. Hubby is frustrated over the mess, I genuinely didn't notice it until he pointed it out. Why can't I see it? It is like those 3D pictures you have to stare at forever to see the image. My brother in law has never been able to see the image in those. I'm like that. Why can't I see the mess?
More financial bad news hit today. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. Why can't we get our act together? I need to get dinner for my family. I'll expound upon my doctors appt, my conversation with e.d., and my life later. Right now I just had to just say it!
Something must be wrong with me, but I don't know how to fix it. Hubby is frustrated over the mess, I genuinely didn't notice it until he pointed it out. Why can't I see it? It is like those 3D pictures you have to stare at forever to see the image. My brother in law has never been able to see the image in those. I'm like that. Why can't I see the mess?
More financial bad news hit today. I'm frustrated. I'm angry. Why can't we get our act together? I need to get dinner for my family. I'll expound upon my doctors appt, my conversation with e.d., and my life later. Right now I just had to just say it!
Friday, June 17, 2011
hormonal psychosis and other observations
I have lots on my mind tonight. I guess I should give the warning that I am experiencing hormonal psychosis right now as I am expecting my favorite time of the month in a couple of days. When I devoured chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies seemingly non stop until they were gone and then felt annoyed and snarfy (I don't care if it isn't a word, I like it, so there!) with my entire family, I counted my calendar and wouldn't ya know, my period is near. So take everything I say with a grain of salt and realize that while the feelings are probably real, they are magnified by the thousands thanks to stupid hormones and their resulting psychosis!
*****************************
I have been listening to the Tenth Avenue North CD Light Meets The Dark quite a bit lately. Nearly every song hits me in the gut right now but this one in particular today. My hubby and I had one of these conversations before we started dating. I knew we were close to dating. I also knew he had to know even the horrible parts of me before I let my heart get too much more attached. I wanted him to know while he still had a chance to realize who I was and what I was capable of and had the chance to leave without hurting us both excruciatingly.
I remember it well. We sat at Village Inn. I couldn't look him in the eye. I told him what I have never told anyone else. He loved me anyway. He choose me anyway. He could have picked someone who would have been less of a basket case. He could have chosen someone less broken, and yet he didn't. He knew me and still loved me. And for that I am still amazed and yet so grateful.
******************************
I feel very inadequate, very insecure, and very much like a failure. Long story short, we just had some financial bad news. My father-in-law is selling some of his guns to lend us the money to take care of this situation. I am grateful that we have my in-laws and that he is willing to help us. I also feel like a complete failure. We live in a house they own. He just bought new tires for my car last week because he saw how bald mine were and didn't want me and the kids out on those tires. We are paying him back a little each paycheck.
And now this. Now we will owe him even more. He's not the kind to hold it over our heads and would never mention it even if we never paid him back. But the problem is that I hold it over my own head. I thought today that I wonder if we would make it if dad-in-law wasn't there to help us. I started thinking about my own life. I lived at home until I got married. I never went to college, simply because I was scared that I wouldn't make it on my own and was afraid I wouldn't be able to provide, afraid I wouldn't be good enough to make it.
I got married young and my husband started taking care of me. Financially things have been tight more than they haven't been but still, I'm not on my own. Hubby is always there, even when things are tough.
Well, last week my friend became a 30-something widow with a son. It got me thinking. I am terrified that if my hubby wasn't here that I wouldn't be able to take care of me. And how on earth would I provide for 3 kids on top of it? Yeah, I know there is a nice amount of life insurance and our basic needs would be met but what I worried about was if I could emotionally provide. When I don't understand my boys, I call in Daddy to help me. When they are being disrespectful, or refusing to clean up, I call in Daddy.
I am not naturally a clean freak type of person. My mom used to tell me there was something wrong with me, maybe even on a spiritual level, because I could live with a mess. Even still, I notice the mess when it is gone and I do enjoy the clean. Unfortunately though, I can ignore the mess around me until hubby starts to get cranky and then I know the mess has gotten out of control. Without him, I'm afraid one day I'd end up on Hoarders! (Ok, that is a slight exaggeration but still.......)
So the feelings of failure and being inadequate are high tonight. I feel like I couldn't take care of myself if there weren't someone as a safety net to bail me out of my life regularly. I was so afraid and co-dependent when I was young that now even though I am older and less emotionally co-dependent that I still don't know what to do.
I am afraid of being me, I've always been who someone else wants me to be. I long for freedom to discover me but still feel afraid to do so completely. While I am learning to have less concerns about what the outside world thinks of me, I still deeply care what my family thinks of me. What if they don't like who I have become?
*****************************
I have been listening to the Tenth Avenue North CD Light Meets The Dark quite a bit lately. Nearly every song hits me in the gut right now but this one in particular today. My hubby and I had one of these conversations before we started dating. I knew we were close to dating. I also knew he had to know even the horrible parts of me before I let my heart get too much more attached. I wanted him to know while he still had a chance to realize who I was and what I was capable of and had the chance to leave without hurting us both excruciatingly.
I remember it well. We sat at Village Inn. I couldn't look him in the eye. I told him what I have never told anyone else. He loved me anyway. He choose me anyway. He could have picked someone who would have been less of a basket case. He could have chosen someone less broken, and yet he didn't. He knew me and still loved me. And for that I am still amazed and yet so grateful.
******************************
I feel very inadequate, very insecure, and very much like a failure. Long story short, we just had some financial bad news. My father-in-law is selling some of his guns to lend us the money to take care of this situation. I am grateful that we have my in-laws and that he is willing to help us. I also feel like a complete failure. We live in a house they own. He just bought new tires for my car last week because he saw how bald mine were and didn't want me and the kids out on those tires. We are paying him back a little each paycheck.
And now this. Now we will owe him even more. He's not the kind to hold it over our heads and would never mention it even if we never paid him back. But the problem is that I hold it over my own head. I thought today that I wonder if we would make it if dad-in-law wasn't there to help us. I started thinking about my own life. I lived at home until I got married. I never went to college, simply because I was scared that I wouldn't make it on my own and was afraid I wouldn't be able to provide, afraid I wouldn't be good enough to make it.
I got married young and my husband started taking care of me. Financially things have been tight more than they haven't been but still, I'm not on my own. Hubby is always there, even when things are tough.
Well, last week my friend became a 30-something widow with a son. It got me thinking. I am terrified that if my hubby wasn't here that I wouldn't be able to take care of me. And how on earth would I provide for 3 kids on top of it? Yeah, I know there is a nice amount of life insurance and our basic needs would be met but what I worried about was if I could emotionally provide. When I don't understand my boys, I call in Daddy to help me. When they are being disrespectful, or refusing to clean up, I call in Daddy.
I am not naturally a clean freak type of person. My mom used to tell me there was something wrong with me, maybe even on a spiritual level, because I could live with a mess. Even still, I notice the mess when it is gone and I do enjoy the clean. Unfortunately though, I can ignore the mess around me until hubby starts to get cranky and then I know the mess has gotten out of control. Without him, I'm afraid one day I'd end up on Hoarders! (Ok, that is a slight exaggeration but still.......)
So the feelings of failure and being inadequate are high tonight. I feel like I couldn't take care of myself if there weren't someone as a safety net to bail me out of my life regularly. I was so afraid and co-dependent when I was young that now even though I am older and less emotionally co-dependent that I still don't know what to do.
I am afraid of being me, I've always been who someone else wants me to be. I long for freedom to discover me but still feel afraid to do so completely. While I am learning to have less concerns about what the outside world thinks of me, I still deeply care what my family thinks of me. What if they don't like who I have become?
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