child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, July 9, 2011

happy, sad, crazy, loved, hopeful, despairing......

Today I spent a great day with an old friend (who I was thrilled to see looking like a woman again rather than a skeleton).  We've been together since high school and been through lots of crazy stuff together.  It was fun to spend the entire morning with her.

I came home to my box from my Miche party in the living room.  I'm not even close to patient when it comes to new toys in my house so I tore the box open and pulled out my new purses.  Soooooo cute!  I love being the hostess and getting the free/discounted stuff.

My kids are in the mountains enjoying their first ever fishing trip with Grandma and Grandpa.  My house was quiet.  Hubby took me on a date.  We had a gift card for our favorite bbq restaurant.  Time with my favorite person in the world always makes for a nice evening!

So why am I so sad?  I have had a fabulous day.  I even enjoyed my day as it was happening, not just in thinking back on it. I have no real reason for feeling like curling up in a ball and sobbing uncontrollably.  How is it possible to be completely content and in love with my life and completely broken and consumed all in the same breath?  How can I enjoy life and be dissatisfied with it at the same moment?  Have I finally completely lost my mind?  This makes no sense to my brain.

1 comment:

  1. when that happens to me, it's because of the parts of me that are afraid of being happy and think i don't deserve it.