I've been talking with a friend lately about the good things about recovery. I can read again and actually process what I am reading. I can play with my kids again (though I am tired of having wrestling Royal Rumbles every day. Couldn't they like Lego's or something??????). I can shower without feeling guilty about taking time for me.
I still am discovering who I am though. I just read a really great post letting go of the ed identity. I so get this. I am starting to enjoy life again, but sometimes that old panic creeps up. What if I completely let go. Who would I be? I mean, if I eat that bite of chocolate and don't feel guilty, what will I feel? If I don't use starving to make me numb, what would I actually feel? Can I handle it? Do I know how to live without orange in my ear whispering how she can make it all better? Who would I be if I were completely free? Would I be worth my own time?
The other day, mostly out of tired laziness, I realized something kinda cool. When I was showering, I just never opened my eyes again after rinsing the conditioner out of my hair. For some unknown reason, I lathered up with my eyes closed. Here is what I discovered, it wasn't as scary with my eyes closed. I know, that sounds weird but hear me out.
The way my body felt under my hands was much different than it appeared in the mirror. Once again a case of the mirror lying. The problem is that the mirror was lying more than I realized. Without being able to see every mark, touching my own body was a completely different experience than anything I have ever known in the past. Without looking at myself and picking apart every flaw, I realized that my body is not that of a whale. With only my hands, no eyes, I "saw" something completely different in myself that I have never seen.
Wondering if it was just a crazy fluke, I intentionally closed my eyes the next day when I showered. It wasn't a fluke. For the first time EVER I was able to appreciate things about my body that when I look with my eyes, I just cannot see. I still don't see in the mirror what I felt. The mirror is still lying. But somewhere I deep inside, this time I am able to identify that it is lying. Something deep inside of me is remembering a feeling instead of a vision.
I love my new job. After only 3 weeks, I am going to go solo next week. I'm good with it, a little nervous, but good. My friend will pack up after I arrive and go home to her adorable 10 month old son and just be mommy and I will close up shop on my own. My friend and the managers are all surprised that I feel comfortable with it so quickly. No one expected me to be on my own until after the rush for fall semester was over. I am able. I can do it. This is just one more area that recovery kind of feels good.
Tomorrow I get to meet with my team of ladies that I will be leading for this upcoming MOPS year. I am excited! And for the first time in so many ages, I feel like I have something to contribute. For the first time in far too long, I feel nearly completely confident that I can do a job that I have committed to. It does feel good to feel like an asset instead of a liability for a change.
At some point over the last year, I have made actual forward steps in my recovery. Last fall I was often reminding myself that 2 steps forward 1 step back is still 1 step ahead of where I started. But as I am reading over this post, I realize that somewhere along the line the forward steps became more clear. I know I am not "there" (wherever the heck "there" is) but I am further on my journey than I was a year ago and for that I am thankful.