child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, January 25, 2014

A picture of recovery

These kinds of decisions are what keep me recovering. It may seem small but I chose the waffle because it's what I wanted. The voices in my head told me to avoid the waffle and have my peanut butter and jelly on an apple instead. I was able to push past the guilt of eating frozen waffles and enjoy (mostly) my breakfast that my brain tried to convince me wasn't safe. Staying consistent with the healthy choice in these situations is what keeps propelling me forward in recovery instead of letting the tiny choices prime me for relapse.

Saturday, January 18, 2014

A Open Letter to the Boy who Accepted No

Dear Boy,

I remember it well. We were young, the night wasn't.  Hand holding had led to kissing, which had led to making out which had led to clothes flying in moments of passion.  I remember your hot breath in my ear asking if it was time to think about protection and I groaned more than said my yes.  We jumped into your truck, me with only a blanket to cover me and drove to K-Mart around the corner for condoms. I really really really liked you.  You were going to be my "first", at least my first that was a choice.

We drove to a secluded park and picked back up right where we had left off with the hot and heavy. Suddenly the words that neither of us wanted to hear came out of my mouth, "No. I can't do this.  Not tonight." That was what I said out loud.  In my head though, my only reason was because I was drunk.  I was so afraid I would be that stereotype party girl who would have sex while I was wasted and that I wouldn't remember it. I wanted to remember the first time I did this with a boy that I liked and really wanted to be with.

I was afraid to tell you that the reason was because I was drunk.  I was afraid you wouldn't like me anymore or that you would think that I only wanted to do it because I was drunk.  So I just said no.  And you stopped.  I don't know if you respected me enough to listen to my no or respected yourself enough to not become a rapist, but either way I have just this week realized how much that meant to me.

Thank you.  You didn't have to stop.  I was drunk and naked in your car.  I couldn't have fought you off and honestly wouldn't have tried.  I had said yes before I said no so you could have said that I had consented.  You could have continued and said it was my own fault for bringing you that far.  I would have spent my life believing that I was at fault and most of the world would have agreed.

But you didn't.  You did the honorable thing.  You accepted the no from a drunk girl who had moments earlier been ready to go. That night, I didn't realize what a gift you had given me.  I couldn't realize it then.  It took years for that to sink in.  I thank you, from the bottom of my heart I thank you for stopping when I said no.  Especially since I said yes first, thank you for letting my no mean no.