child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, September 24, 2011

hanging in there

My last post was a wretched way to leave my blog for so long.  Sorry about that!  I'm not lying dead in a ditch. I am just so freaking exhausted!  I'm not talking, oh gee I'm starting to feel tired kind of exhausted.  It is not gradual exhaustion but rather "Oh my goodness, I cannot keep my eyes open one more second!" kind of exhaustion.  I've been in bed before 9 nearly every night.  By the time my kids go to bed I'm dragging myself to my bed.  Hence the lack of blogging.

So let me tell you about my last 24 hours.  Last night my eldest man child told me he had a headache.  I didn't think much of it, gave him dinner and thought that would help.  It didn't.  We went to Target as a family and by the time we left my son was nearly in tears because of this headache.  Being the unsympathetic mom that I am, I assumed his headache was from being tired and sent him to bed.  At 12:30 he woke up SCREAMING that his head hurt so badly it woke him up and it hurt to move his head in any capacity, including walking.

Ok, no more unsympathetic mom.  I was actually pretty worried about him.  He's not a headache kid.  He's not one to cry when he doesn't feel good.  Oh yeah, and when he woke up at 12:30 he had a 102.6 fever.  My mamma instincts said it was time to call the doctor.  We ruled out meningitis over the phone, gave him the last of the children's tylenol and set out to make it through a miserable night.

Oh, but my emotions were even higher strung.  Let me tell you about what had happened unbeknownst to the kids.  While at Target I bought pregnancy tests.  On top of the pure exhaustion I have had some other not normal for me things and I am late with no signs at all of starting.  I took test #1.  The line appeared.  But wait, then it disappeared.  Then it reappeared, very faint.  When baby #3 was on the way the line was so faint that it was merely the shadow of where the line might have been so I believe any line even when it looks like a shadow.  While dealing with a sick kiddo, I was wrapping my mind around the possibility of baby #4.

So sick kiddo asks for daddy, and being the wonderful daddy that he is, Hubby stayed up most of the night with the sick kid while I went to bed.  My son didn't fall asleep until nearing 6am.  My husband is AMAZING!  This morning Hubby carried my son into our bed so the brothers wouldn't wake him up.  I laid in my bed next to my son and couldn't fall back asleep because I kept thinking about that positive pregnancy test.  We are not trying for more kids.  Here's how I explain it, if God can create immaculate conception, then He can override my birth control if His plans are different than ours.  I'm open to His plans being different from mine, but I want it to be without a doubt HIS plans for us!

I finally couldn't stay in bed thinking about it for one more second so I got up and took the other pregnancy test.  It was very plainly negative.  No shadows.  No hints of any lines.  No baby.  I breathed a sigh of relief only to realize there was also a sigh of disappointment in there.  Not looking to start over with the baby years and yet the very legitimate possibility of it brought up feelings that you only understand when you have become a mom.

I made my coffee and called the pediatrician.  I took my son in and thankfully it is not meningitis nor is it strep.  But on the downside, it is a virus so there is nothing to do but have him rest, stay well hydrated and take children's ibuprofen.

We are bummed that he is sick.  We have tickets for the family to go ride Thomas the Tank Engine tonight which he and daddy will have to miss.  And tomorrow we are planning to take him to Elitch's with a friend to celebrate his birthday.  The doc said if the fever crosses over 101 again or if the head is still hurting then we would have to reschedule our celebration.  We are praying that the rest will help him enough to be able to go still.

I woke up tired and overwhelmed this morning.  I'm doing much better now but it was a long 24 hours!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Guess I'm not ok afterall

I thought I was ok.  I wondered why people kept asking if I was doing ok because I felt ok.  And then I drove to work today.

I have a fear.  I'm afraid that someday I will be in a car accident and people will think it was suicide not an accident.  It is a legitimate fear.  Today on my way to work I was having fantasies about my car running off the road.  Now let me clarify, I was not thinking I wanted to die or that my family would be better off without me.  I wasn't thinking of it in a suicidal way but nonetheless I was daydreaming about being in an accident. 

The difference between this time last year and today?  Had I been on this stretch of road this time last year I likely would not be here to write today.   Last year I was actively looking for a place with no traffic to intentionally run my car off the road.  Today I was just daydreaming about what it would be like if my car happened to run off the road.  I'm just aware though that the step from one to the other is a small one.

I thought I was ok.  Tonight the depression seems nearly suffocating though.  How did I go from thinking I was ok yesterday to barely maintaining today?  How did I go from thinking I was ok to fantasizing about car accidents overnight?  I thought I was ok; turns out I was wrong.

Monday, September 12, 2011

I think I'm ok?

My doctor doubled my medicine dosage.  I am tired ALL the time.  I go to sleep at 9:30 at night and still take 2 hour naps during the day.  I feel like I can barely function.  But I don't really feel depressed.  At least I don't think I do. 

I have had many people ask if I'm doing ok.  Apparently I have been more quiet than usual and it is being interpreted as depression.  I think I'm ok, I just don't know what to say so I haven't been talking.  This seems to be a big red flag, especially to my hubby. 

Tonight I'm drinking.  I wanted a glass of wine so I bought a bottle today.  The opening is too small for my stopper so I'm still drinking.  I don't really care either.  Maybe I'm not ok after all.  I mean, I'm more quiet than normal and I'm drinking more than usual as well.  But what is not ok?  I just feel like secluding.  Does that mean I'm not ok?

Lots on my mind tonight.  Sorry I've been too tired to blog lately.  And now I'm going back to MNF and watching my Broncos.  Hopefully I'll be back more often.  Hopefully I'll have some idea of what to say.  Hopefully this too shall pass.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

things I'm thankful for

  • bogo coupons for my hubby's favorite soap
  • roasted garlic hummus
  • my son's new glasses
  • both of my older kids got the teachers they were hoping for this year
  • exciting news about a pregnancy that isn't mine but I am as excited as I ever was for any of mine.  This pregnancy is a miracle and I am super duper thrilled to be one of very few who know about it as of yet.
  • My dear bosom friend K
  • My sweet southern belle friend
  • my job
  • the weight room I get to use after work 
  • chocolate and peanut butter and any combination thereof
  • coffee
  • my J.J. Heller cd Painted Red
  • fall weather and being able to wear my tall boots again
  • hubby's day off being tomorrow :)

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

I exist

I do something ridiculous.  I walk sideways down the stairs at work when I wear heels.  When I walk sideways or even on my toes, my shoes can be kept from making that way-too-loud-for-such-a-quiet-space sound.  But what I realize even more is that the sound means I exist.  Even when I walk I am trying to exist as little as possible. 

I want to live an adventure but I don't want to exist.  Doesn't make sense?  Yeah, I know, too much about living with an eating disorder doesn't make sense. 

I am doing ok.  Not spectacular but not bottoming out either.  And yet I still cringe at the mere fact that I exist.  My body existing in numbers pisses me off.  The fact that I need a body pisses me off.  I want to live but I hate existing.  I hate that my shoes make noise on the stairs, it is just more proof that I cannot disappear, that I take up space.  I want to fade into the background somewhere and not be noticable.

How can I feel good about life and yet terrible about living in the same sentence?  How can I be content with my life and hate that my body takes up space at the same moment?  How can I feel loved and lonely simultaneously? 

Monday, September 5, 2011


I've been looking at and contemplating my tattoo quite a bit over the past few days.  It started with a text from a friend telling me to find the song, "She's A Butterfly" by Martina McBride because my friend thinks of me when she hears it since I like butterflies so much.  I started thinking about why I like butterflies. 

The day is etched in my mind and is still crystal clear in my memory even though it is months old.  It was a hard day.  I was at a weekend intensive.  I stood and said words I didn't even know I felt until they came tumbling out of my mouth.  "Why wasn't I worth protecting?"  Many tears later I was in a better place.  My friend, an older man, told me I was beautiful and then kissed my cheek.  It was the first time in my life I ever believed I was beautiful.

The next day someone said that the transformation they had seen in me was like a butterfly.  That sealed it, I was the Butterfly for the rest of our follow up sessions.  Many people called me Butterfly Girl.  And my love of butterflies was born. 

I have a butterfly tattooed, permanently marked on my body.  It is there to remind me that what I went through may have been tough but it still produced beauty.  It is there to remind me that I am not who I was.  It is there to remind me of the One who carries these wings.

God bless the butterfly.  Give her the strength to fly.  Never let her wings touch the ground.

God help me to soar.  Give me the strength to fly.  Give me the strength to be beautiful.  Keep my wings from being stepped on, broken, and wounded.  

Sunday, September 4, 2011

how to say I don't care without actually saying it

My mom called yesterday.  My Grandma's 90th birthday is coming up and my mom and aunt and uncles are wanting to throw her a big party.  My mom wants me and my sister in law and my cousin to plan the food.  But I don't want to.  Mom talked about how great it would be if I could make it to the party (it is in St. Louis).  But I don't want to go. 

I don't have warm grandmotherly memories with my Grandma.  She was mean to me.  I don't have warm memories of my extended family.  The person who abused me would be at the party and I don't have any desire to see him now that I am an adult and don't have to.    Earlier this year when my mom brought up the party the first time, my hubby said no way in hell I'd be going.  My therapist also said no way in hell I'd be going.  Now it is getting closer and I have to figure out how to set a boundary with my mom and inform her I have no intentions of going.

How do I say I don't care about the party without actually saying it?  My mom is so excited.  My mom thinks everything is just fine and dandy because if you don't acknowledge a problem then it never existed.  I no longer harbor feelings of hatred toward my family but I do still feel uncomfortable around most of them. 

My mom is going to make me pay emotionally for missing the party.  But as I told Hubby, either way I lose so I might as well lose in the way that will be easier for me to deal with and have the least effect on my immediate family.  I refuse to go and look my abuser in the face and pretend that nothing ever happened.  I refuse to put myself through that kind of hell.  I refuse to put my husband and kids through the hell it would cause for them.  I refuse. 

My mom is going to blow a gasket when I can no longer side step the issue and must finally tell her that I am not going.  I am going to emotionally pay for this.  But as I said, if I go I will pay an even higher emotional toll.  I'm staying home, not because I am a bad daughter or granddaughter, but because it is what is best for me and my family.