What I learned from helping my son

My baby has been struggling.  For several months he has randomly started crying and telling me he is sad. Recently it is becoming more and more frequent.  He never knows why he is sad or what is causing him to go from laughing to crying in a matter of minutes.  As the girl who did deal with childhood depression, I worry.  The other day he climbed in my lap, stroked my hair and said, "Mamma, I'm just sad."

I have no answers or cures for him.  But I happen to be struggling with the same thing currently so I hugged him tightly and told him that I get sad for no reason sometimes too.  I grabbed my Bible that I had been reading before he came in and read Philippians 4:4-8 to him.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!

We can choose to have joy.

Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.

God is near us, Baby.

Do not be anxious about anything, 

That means we aren't supposed to worry.

but in everything, by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, present your request to God.

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding

will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

That means that God gives us peace in our hearts that is bigger than our brains can understand.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely

 whatever is admirable

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy

think on these things.

Baby, that means that God wants us to spend our time thinking about the things 

in our lives that we are thankful for, for the blessings He gives us, and every good thing.

Tell me something you are thankful for, something that makes you smile.  "I don't know, Mamma.  I can't think of anything."  Well, I can tell you something  that makes me smile.  You make me smile.  I'm thankful for you.  Now it is your turn.

You.

Coffee in my Christmas mug.

My monkeys.

That our heater works.

Playing with my friends at recess.

Hugs and kisses.

Brothers.

The conversation continued for several minutes.  And then his sweet voice says, "Mamma, I still feel sad."  I know, Baby.  We will still get sad sometimes.  What we need to do is hold on to those things we are thankful for, those things that make us smile, until  the sadness passes.  And at some point the sadness will pass.  Hold on to those good things until the sadness passes. 

I don't know how long it will be until my sadness passes, but I will continue to greet the day with intentional thankfulness until the sadness passes.  I will continue to hold on to the things that are true, noble, worthy of praise and trust that God is indeed near and that He will indeed guard my heart and mind with His peace. 

God in the ordinary

Yesterday at church, Pastor passed the microphone around for anyone to say what they are thankful for.  Person after person stood up and told tales of how God had moved mightily.  I never talk when they pass the microphone, but yesterday the tug at my soul was far too great.  I still wasn't going to speak but the microphone got handed right next to my head and I suddenly was reaching for it.

"I have nothing profound to say." I heard the strange echo of my own voice being broadcast to each person in the sanctuary.  "I am just thankful that I am at church with my whole family.  We've been battling the crud and missed the last five weeks of church while we each passed sickness to the next. I'm thankful today that my family is healthy enough, finally, that we could come to church today!"

I sat with the sick feeling in my stomach that comes when I talk in front of large groups.  But I didn't regret standing.  On the way home, I told Hubby I don't usually talk when they give the opportunity.  He said he was glad that I did this time.  And as I talked to him I knew exactly why I felt so drawn to share.

I was thankful for something small.  I was thankful for the fact that God showed up in an ordinary way in my life.  In comparison to the stories of miracles upon miracles, it was not worth celebrating.  But see that is the reason that I needed to celebrate.  Is it possible that we often miss God because we are looking for the wonderous not the ordinary?  Do we too often look over the ways that God says "I love you, Child" because we haven't seen glory surrounding it? 

I'm thankful for stories of brain surgeries that were successful against the odds.  I'm thankful for stories of job transfers that brought the person to a place where the owner had been praying for a godly man to fill the position and God directed both parties to each other.  I'm thankful for the prodigals who renewed relationships with their families and for the family finally able to adopt their special needs child after a long and hard road.  Those are amazing stories and well worth celebrating. 

But so are the little stories.  The stories that say my family is finally over thier colds, that someone who feels overwhelmed was able to wake up with a smile for the first time in weeks, that the rolls you made on Thanksgiving turned out well, that your favorite song came on the radio.  You get it.  There are a million ways God says He loves us and if we only wait to hear the big ones, we will miss out on so much of God.

Oddly enough, I was just sitting at my desk reading a book my dear friend gave me.  And I read these words,

"Isn't it here? The wonder?  Why do I spend so much of my living hours struggling to see it?  Do we truly stumble so blind that we must be afronted with blinding magnificence for our blurry soul-sight to recognize grandeur?  The very same surging magificence that cascades over our every day here.  Who has time or eyes to notice?"

 

That paragraph came from One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp.  If you haven't read it, you should.  It is a beautiful book.  I just loved that the day after I told Hubby that we miss God in the day to day because we look for Him only in the extrodinary would be the day that I read in such poetic form the exact sentiment.

 

What are you thankful for today?  In the midst of pain there is still something beautiful.  In the midst of suffering God still says I love you.  How will you hear it today?  A song that soothes the soul, an email from an old friend, the falling of snowflakes on a quiet day, a cup of coffee in a favorite mug or shared with a friend.  Whatever it is, know that God is saying He loves us today, and we need only to hear it in our own languages. 

Even If....

My new favorite song Even If by Kutless......

Last week was hard.  Really, REALLY hard.  I've decided that suicidal thoughts come in many forms.  I've had days of actively wanting to kill myself.  Last week I didn't want to actually kill myself but I just wanted to die.  My friend had a time similar this week.  She didn't want to kill herself but wished that someone else would kill her.  And it is all suicidal ideations whether it is wanting to kill myself, wanting to die or wanting someone else to take your life.  And it is scary. 

It is scary to fantasize about dying.  Even when I am in a good place I still wonder what it would be like to die.  Even when I am loving my life and not overwhelmed with depression, I still wonder what would happen if I took the entire bottle of pills.  I still think about it, maybe not all the time, but regularly. 

Last week I heard this song for the first time.  It is truly what I believe.  This song has moved my heart.  If my healing never comes, if I struggle with depression, suicidal ideation, and eating disorders for the rest of my life, it won't change WHO  God is.  He is still good, even if my healing never comes.

old verse, new perspective

As you know I have Psalm 45:11 tattooed on my shoulder, "The King is enthralled with your beauty".  It is a verse that has meant a lot to me in recovery.  Yesterday I read that same verse in a different version.  It said, "Let the King be enthralled with your beauty."

It went from a statement about how I am seen to a command of how I respond.  Let.  Three simple letters and yet I wonder how often I sabotage my own beauty.  How often do I let anyone, even the Lord, just enjoy my beauty without backhanded remarks about myself?


When others admire my beauty, I turn their words of compliment away.  Maybe I credit a good hair day or a cute outfit.  I never credit myself for being beautiful, but rather an accessory that has illusioned beauty for me. 


When my husband admires my beauty, I bow my head, my cheeks flush, and though I am most often convinced he sees me through Hubby colored glasses not the real me, I try to not knock down his compliments.  Even though I try, I still end up shaking my head, telling him he's wonderfully crazy.  Crazy to see the things he does, but wonderful that he does see them.

And yet here, in one of my favorite verses, I am asked to LET my beloved be enthralled with my beauty.  I don't really know how to do that, at least not yet.  I do though know that He is trying to break through to reach my heart and I need to let Him be enthralled with the beauty that He created.  The second part of the verse says "Honor him for he is your Lord."  I can't help but wonder if letting Jesus be enthralled with my beauty is the first step to honoring Him.  

can't we just get along?

Friends that I have:
Muslim
Mormon
Catholic, Protestant, Pentacostal, Every Christian denomination in between
Atheist
Praying folks, wishing folks, Light and Love folks, good juju folks
Pro-lifers, Pro-choicers
Gay, straight and unsure of their sexuality
Democrat, Republican, Independent, Tea Party, Green Party, Big government, Small government
Friends who have been drug addicted, friends who have abortions, friends with eating disorders, friends who are alcoholics

You get it, I have friends from every walk of life.  And if you want to read my thoughts about why can't we all just get along click here

confused and angry

It has been a rough couple of days at work.  I've spent Monday putting out fires, which is fine, that is basically what my job is - to put out emotional fires.  Today was a tear filled day.  Today I don't understand God's plan.

I talked for a half an hour to someone with a very broken heart.  Someone she knows and loves just lost her toddler daughter to an "undetermined cause of death".  The child was too old to be considered SIDS and yet no one knows why she died.  And I am broken.  I don't understand why a mother has to continue to get up and take care of her other child and go through the motions when emotionally her heart has stopped beating.

I don't understand how God uses things like this.  I am mad at Him.  I am angry at God that children die.  I am angry that another baby was born addicted to heroin while many of my dear friends who long for nothing more than the feeling of their own child in their arms are losing their babies in utero.  And I want to say I feel God's peace and I want to say that all the Christian cliches are enough but the reality is that I don't feel it and they aren't enough.

Times like this make words like, "God will work this out for good", "God has a plan", "God was trying to spare her the pain of life", and "At least she is in heaven"  painful and frustrating.  Will He work this out for good?  I'm sure He will.  Do I want to hear it right now? No.  Do I still believe that God is good?  Absolutely.  But can I tell you a secret?  Sometimes I even though I KNOW that Hubby is a good man, I still get angry with him.  Sometimes even though I KNOW that Hubby loves me, I still get my feelings hurt or feel lonely.  Sometimes even though I  KNOW it, I don't feel it.  And sometimes I feel that way with God too.

Even though I know God is good, I don't understand Him right now.  Even though I know God still loves me, right now my feelings are hurt.  Even though I know it, the feelings haven't caught up.  Right now the feelings are hurt and anger.  And yet, God is still sovereign.  He is still on the throne.  He is still capable.  He is still good even when life isn't.  He is still faithful to His promises and loving toward all He has made.  My anger with Him doesn't change any of that.

Thankfully He is big enough to handle my emotions.  Thankfully my feelings don't change His character.  And even though I can't understand what He is doing or why, I will go back to the song that carried me through days of infertility and miscarriage.

God is too wise to be mistaken, 

God is too good to be unkind. 

 So when you don't understand, 

when you can's see His plan,

 when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart.

Another secret,  I don't understand God's plan.  AND I don't really want to understand His plan right now.  I don't ever want children dying to make sense to me. 

Warrior

 
I've shared this before but it fits with the word today.  Hubby once told me that I was a fighter.  I laughed at him.  There is no way I was the fighter he saw.  I laughed and asked him why.

"Because if you weren't a fighter you would have married the abusive boy.  People who aren't fighters don't have the courage to get out of those kinds of situations.  If you weren't a fighter you wouldn't have waited for the man who would die for you."

I thought his words were kind, overrated but still kind.  I have come to realize he was right.  I am a fighter. I am a warrior.  Sure I left the boy who hurt me, but that isn't what I think makes me a fighter.  I'm a warrior because anorexia knocked me back on my ass and I am still getting up again.  I'm a fighter because depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideations have plagued me my entire life but I haven't let them beat me.  I'm a warrior because I have the strength to get up one more time than I fall down.

This was my favorite song when I was young.  I always felt a sense of calm when I heard it.  I always knew deep inside of me, no matter how broken I have felt, no matter how weak I have been, no matter what storms were going on in and around me, that I could run to His arms when I was battle-weary.

Sincere

Sincerity in my mind is synonymous with kindness.  It is being who you say you are.  It is meaning it when you ask how someone is.  It is caring.  It is gentle.  It is honest.  It is genuine.

I've always felt sincere.  I haven't always trusted others to be sincere though.  I believe people are who they say they are.  I believe what they say about themselves.  I just didn't believe when they said they cared about me though.  I never thought that I was worth caring about so I didn't trust the sincerity of others when they cared about me.

I think it is a little funny now though.  I believe the best in someone but I don't believe the best part that maybe they actually WANT to be around me, maybe they actually CARE about me, maybe their sincerity goes beyond themselves.

I treasure sincerity.  It is a quality in myself that I have always known.  Sincerity is a quality in others that I admire.  Sincerity is love in action.  It is how we truly bear one another's burdens.  It is how we restore each other.  And when we trust it in others, it is what restores us.

Power

This post really devoured me.  When I saw the word was power, everything inside of me recoiled.  And like that, with one word, I am now two days behind instead of one.

To me, power was what was used against me.  "If you don't do what I say the police officer in my family will tie you up naked on the swingset and leave you there."  "If you don't do what I say, first I'll beat you up and then he'll beat you up."  Power, in the form of sheer force, was how my attackers subdued me.

To me, power was what was far too often abused.  Power was the church telling me that my depression wasn't real but rather an indication of the sin in my life.  Power was the religious force of the day that used to tell me that I was not good enough, nor would I ever be good enough for the church or for God.

Power was what stole from me.  Power stole my innocence.  Power stole my voice.  Power stole my identity.  Power stole my desire for living.  Power stole my control.  And when power stole my control, orange came along by my side and gave me control again.

I gave MY power away to my eating disorder.  I let her abuse me just as much as other power had abused me.  Even as I have been recovering, I still saw power as a bad thing.  It has always meant the abuse of power. How could I blog about something so evil as power?

I had to read everyone else describing power in a positive light to have insight that I have never had before.  I suddenly realized that I have power, and it isn't bad or evil.  I have the power to recover.  I have the power to use my voice.  I have the power to live my life, not the life someone else dreams for me. 

Thanks Blogosphere.  Until I had to think about power, about how the word itself made everything in me pull back, I would have never realized what an important word it really is.  If I hadn't heard my friends talking about power as a good thing, I may not have stopped to really think about power and the true role it plays in my life.

my thorn

This morning in the car I got to thinking about "Paul's thorn".  If you aren't familiar with the thorn, here is the reference:

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 

2 Corinthians 12:7-8

I often wonder what Paul's thorn was.  What tormented his thoughts?  Did he struggle with depression?  With addiction?  With caring for his body?  What  was it that he begged God to take away from him? We don't know, it remained between Paul and God.  But the point is, the man who authored most of the New Testament STRUGGLED.  

I was thinking today about my depression.  I have asked God so many times to heal me from it.  I want to feel what I know to be true.  Quite frankly, I'm quite tired of having to go by what I know and not being able to feel it or enjoy it.  There is more to life than this, right??????  

As I pondered, I remembered the rest of the verse.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,

 so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (vs 9)

And there it is.  His grace is enough for me.  His grace gives me strength in the midst of depression.  God may never take away this struggle.  This may be my thorn for the rest of my life.  But His grace still covers me.  His power is made perfect in my depression.  Maybe I would be a different person if God healed me.  Maybe I would forget that I need Him every moment of every day just to make it through.  Maybe I would try to rely on my own strength rather than His power.  Maybe this thorn in my flesh is what keeps me coming back to the throne of grace and keeps me dependent on Christ alone.

Today I will rely on the power of Christ.  I will accept His grace and I will boast that it is not my strength that will carry me through but rather the grace of God.

food for thought

Today's food for thought brought to you by Niece.  

"Religion is like a penis.  It's ok to have one and it's ok to be proud of it.  But it isn't ok to whip it out and start flailing it around.  And it's definitely not ok to shove it down someone's throat without permission." 

I'm sorry if this offends, but I loved her analogy.  It makes me think of a much more crass version of St. Francis of Assisi saying, "Preach the gospel at all times, when necessary use words."   I will say it loud and clear, I am a Christian.  I believe that Jesus Christ came to die a horrific death to free me from the bounds of sin and to redeem my life that I can stand before a holy God, unashamed.

 I also believe that Jesus offered grace to sinners.  When the woman was caught in adultery, He could have condemned her.  The law said He should have condemned her.  But He didn't.  He gave her grace and told her to go and sin no more.  He was known to hang out with people scorned by the religious folk of the day.  He didn't force anyone to believe in Him as God. He never demanded it as His right or insisted that everyone had to see things His way.  Instead He loved them and they chose Him willingly.

As a Christian, there is a line between being proud of my relationship with God and crossing that line to be rude and forceful with others.  Jesus wasn't rude or demanding. The Bible says that it is God's loving kindness that draws us to repentance.  It isn't spiritual rape, forcing our beliefs down someones throat without permission, that brings people to Christ.  It is when we act like Jesus did and love those who are hurt, when we minister to those who are broken, when we accept them just as they are not expecting them to be perfect, that makes a difference in the lives of people.

feelings and truth

Totally not feeling the self love today.  Not liking my body.  Not liking my emotions.  Not liking my insufficiency at maintaining my house or cooking healthy meals for my family.  Just not feeling the love today.  But my feelings don't change what is true.  Here's to hoping that what is true will change my feelings.

TRUTHS:

• I am enough just the way I am.  
• I am loved and accepted exactly how I am.
• I am a daughter of God, made in His image to reflect His beauty.
• Beauty isn't in the size of my hips or thighs.
• My value doesn't come from a perfect body, a clean house, well behaved children, a great marriage.  My value lies in the fact that God created me.
• an ice cream bar is not the devil and having one occasionally won't kill me or inflate me 3,000 lbs
• I am not a super model but I am still beautiful in my own right.  (That was unbelievably difficult to type and I'm forcing myself to not backspace this whole sentence.)
• I am worth the time.
• I have something valuable to offer. 
• I have a voice and things to say and that doesn't make me difficult, contrary, or ungodly.  It makes me who God designed me to be.
• I'm worth protecting.

Some of those are significantly harder than others to believe much less feel. 

words to live by

I read a great blog post  recently and to be honest there has been a line in there that has carried me through more than a few rough days. 

"Jesus doesn't care if my thighs touch."

Ok, there have been days that statement has brought me a giggle as I walk into work.  There have been days that it has comforted me as I lament how huge and sloppy and FAT my thighs are.  It has convicted me of my own double standard.  I see models and think they look bow legged when their thighs don't touch.  And yet I cry that my thighs barely touch when I'm standing and smoosh together in all sorts of unglamorous fattiness when I sit.  (True or not, it is what I see and is what I lament when I am alone.  Therefore it is my reality.)  Jesus doesn't care if my thighs touch, even when I criticize the too skinny model all the while criticizing my own body for not being that skinny.

When I panic about ordering pizza with my family, Jesus still doesn't care if my thighs touch.  When I sneak a piece of Dove chocolate only to feel guilty the moment I swallow it, Jesus still doesn't care if my thighs touch.  My thighs are not what makes me His daughter.  My thighs are not what I'm counting on to get me into Heaven (THANK GOD!).  My thighs ultimately have no bearing on eternity.  My thighs don't make God think I'm ugly.  My thighs somehow don't even make Hubby think I'm ugly.  The size of my thighs really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.  whew, it takes a lot of work to let something so witty transform your perspective! 

Jess, I hope you get a chance to read this post and know how much your comment has helped me.  Short, sweet and to the point, but it has made me think a LOT lately and has brought comfort on several occasions.

Tonight at work a girl came in.  She was leaning over the ice cream cooler and I noticed it, her thighs didn't touch.  I figured it was how she was standing.  Moments later she walked away from the cooler, letting her fingertips linger for just a moment longer than she maybe meant to.  She came to my register with a low cal fiber granola bar.  I wondered what the voices in her head were doing to her.  I know how brutal they can be, especially when they know you have even expressed desire for a forbidden food.  As she walked away I smiled a little because I wanted to hug her and tell her "Jesus doesn't care if your thighs touch."

confused

I grew up in a home where anger was repressed and hurt didn't exist if you didn't acknowledge it.  Now I'm an adult and you would think I would give myself permission to feel whatever the hell I want, but sadly no.  I am so confused about how I feel. 

On one hand I know God created every emotion within me.  On the other hand I'm pretty sure that I think somewhere deep inside of me that my emotions are still not ok.  I grew up on this.......

James 1:19-20  My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,  because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. 

Ephesians 4: 31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. 

Ephesians 4:26-27  “In your anger do not sin.  Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry,  and do not give the devil a foothold."

One will tell me that because of the last verse it is ok to be angry as long as you don't sin.  Another will tell me that anger is a sin because of the verses that say to get rid of anger.  And I'm confused.  I hear my parents in my head telling me that my anger is a sin, that it is unjustified, that I'm just too sensitive.  I hear in my head that I'm not allowed to feel.

But then I also know I need to feel in order to heal.  And God created me and my emotions.  He must have intended that I would feel those emotions if He created them in me.  Right?  So why does it feel like a betrayal to myself to feel angry? 

The anger has been ebbing and flowing.  I'm not sure how much of it is natural progression and how much of it is being uncomfortable with the intensity of my emotions and stuffing them down again.  Anger scares me.  It scares me when I see it in others and it TERRIFIES me in myself.  How do I get angry and not sin?  I've been brought up to believe that anger in and of itself is a sin.  Where is the line between being angry and sinning?  Is it wrong that I am starting to feel angry now? 

Hubby tells me that there is a lot of anger that I suppress.  When I tell him I'm frustrated, or even when I graduate to anger, he is never as surprised as I am.  He can't believe it has taken me this long to get angry over some of the things that I realize I am angry over.  He also says that of course the feelings are overwhelming; I've been denying them my entire life and now they want out! 

What's a good girl to do with negative emotions?  Why do they still feel so wrong to experience?

new day, new mercy

Lamentations 3:22-23
 ²² Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
   for his compassions never fail.
²³ They are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness. 

I blew it yesterday.  And today is a new day.  Today He gives me new mercy.

Psalm 143:7-8

⁷ Answer me quickly, LORD;
   my spirit fails.
Do not hide your face from me
   or I will be like those who go down to the pit.
⁸ Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love,
   for I have put my trust in you.
Show me the way I should go,
   for to you I entrust my life.

Lord, help me today to honor you with my body and with my choices.  Let your love keep me from being consumed with the hurt and hatred that try to overtake my heart.  I am so glad that You remain faithful even when I am not.

conviction

This morning in the car the kids brought up the issues with my mom again.  Obviously I am not the only one who is hurt.  So we added her to our morning prayer time.  We prayed that God would help us to walk in forgiveness toward her even though we are hurt and don't feel like forgiving.  We prayed that God would bring healing to the rawness in our hearts from the wounds she caused.  And we prayed that God would give us grace so that we could extend grace to her.

It sucked.  I so didn't want to pray for her.  I'm still angry.  But what better time to pray?  I was reminded of Luke 6:27-37 while we prayed.  The summary of it is to pray for those who hurt you.  Everyone can love someone who loves them but God asks us to love those who hurt us.  It ends by saying "Be merciful just as your Father is merciful."  The next part says don't judge or you will be judged.  Um, yeah, conviction.

So then tonight at work I saw the textbook for a communications class.

I decided that even though I had a fun, little brain power, quite enjoyable novel to read that maybe I was supposed to read this one instead.  So tonight I read from yet another text textbook, this time to help me understand the conflict with my mom.  I was annoyed reading it because really, I know most of it but hearing it was still difficult.  The short version is that I have to take the high road and act with integrity or else all we will do is continue to fight, possibly sever what is left of our relationship, and in no way help my son.

The book gave advice like using "I messages" instead of "you messages".  You know, saying, I was really hurt and I felt disrespected rather than attacking and saying you were disrespectful.  It also suggested focusing on the future rather than the past.  Rather than focusing on the fact that she handled this completely wrong, focus on what our expectations for future interactions are.  Informing her that we won't be ok with certain behaviors in the future but not keeping the conversation centered on what she did wrong this last time.

Still hurt?  Heck yeah.  Still angry?  Yep.  But I have a better perspective tonight.  I know that I cannot harbor hatred and bitterness in my heart toward her and still be walking in God's truth (1 John is full of examples of if you harbor hate you are not living in the light, if you hate in your heart you have committed murder in your heart, etc.)  I know that God made her and loves her.  I know He can give me love for her.

I'm still not looking forward to talking to her about this, but still feel like it needs to be done.  I still very firmly feel that my son needs to know I've got his back.  And my kids need to see me honor my mother in the midst of conflict.  Someday they will be adults.  When that day comes, I pray that they will remember that I spoke the truth in love and honored my mother, their grandmother.  I pray that they will still know that I will always have their backs.  I pray that when I frustrate them, they, having seen me model it first, will act in love towards me.

And I pray right now that God will give me wisdom and grace to handle this and that He will help me to love her the way He does.  Heaven knows that is the only way I can do this!!!!!!!