Tuesday, June 5, 2012
This post really devoured me. When I saw the word was power, everything inside of me recoiled. And like that, with one word, I am now two days behind instead of one.
To me, power was what was used against me. "If you don't do what I say the police officer in my family will tie you up naked on the swingset and leave you there." "If you don't do what I say, first I'll beat you up and then he'll beat you up." Power, in the form of sheer force, was how my attackers subdued me.
To me, power was what was far too often abused. Power was the church telling me that my depression wasn't real but rather an indication of the sin in my life. Power was the religious force of the day that used to tell me that I was not good enough, nor would I ever be good enough for the church or for God.
Power was what stole from me. Power stole my innocence. Power stole my voice. Power stole my identity. Power stole my desire for living. Power stole my control. And when power stole my control, orange came along by my side and gave me control again.
I gave MY power away to my eating disorder. I let her abuse me just as much as other power had abused me. Even as I have been recovering, I still saw power as a bad thing. It has always meant the abuse of power. How could I blog about something so evil as power?
I had to read everyone else describing power in a positive light to have insight that I have never had before. I suddenly realized that I have power, and it isn't bad or evil. I have the power to recover. I have the power to use my voice. I have the power to live my life, not the life someone else dreams for me.
Thanks Blogosphere. Until I had to think about power, about how the word itself made everything in me pull back, I would have never realized what an important word it really is. If I hadn't heard my friends talking about power as a good thing, I may not have stopped to really think about power and the true role it plays in my life.