Monday, June 4, 2012
Day 2 Invisible
I always felt invisible as a child. I was certain that no one knew me, that if I disappeared that only my dad or Grandma Jody would miss me. I only felt visible when I was in trouble. I hated being in trouble though so being invisible seemed like a much better deal. I've spent my life longing for people to really know me.
I never believed my husband when we were newly dating and he would tell me the guys that he specifically knew of who were jealous that he was the one I was dating. Those guys never liked me, they didn't even know I existed! Or so I thought. Apparently I was the only one who knew I was invisible.
I was never invisible to Hubby. He pursued me from the beginning. Long before we dated I was what made his world keep spinning. He was my best friend and he made me feel like a queen every time we were together. I felt seen and known for the first time in my entire life when he came into my world.
I've always felt a little socially awkward. The real struggle with invisibility though came during relapse. I wanted my body to be invisible. I wanted no one to ever see me or notice me. I was embarrassed that I even needed a body and that I existed in a state of matter. And yet, I so desperately wanted someone to see me. I wanted someone to know how much I hurt. I wanted to matter but I didn't want to be seen. I wanted to be invisible the whole while begging for someone to not let me fade away.
I still sometimes feel like I want to fade away. I still sometimes feel invisible. I have found, though, that the more that I use my voice, the more that I stand up for me, the less invisible I feel and the less I wish to feel invisible.
I hope I can be the hope that I once needed. To see someone who feels unseen. To know someone who needs to be known and is afraid to be seen. To bring compassion and grace to someone who is hurt. To care enough to not let someone else fade away.