child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, June 7, 2012


Crazy.  Hmmmm. What an interesting word.  I was always convinced I was crazy, I mean certifiably insane.  I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember.  Most children don't struggle with depression and when I was a kid not as much was known about depression as is now.  I never felt like everyone else.  I thought that made me crazy.

When I was a teenager, no one explained how hormones make you feel crazy.  I mean my mom told me all about sex and my period and all of that but she failed to mention that hormones fluctuate and also contribute to your mood.  I didn't know that EVERY young girl bursts in to tears at random moments for absolutely no reason at all.  There always had to be a REASON to cry or be angry or feel at my house.  When there wasn't a reason, I thought I was crazy.  I had no idea that I had a case of hormone and depression induced craziness! 

I also grew up in a family that basically believed that bad things don't happen to good Christians.  And my mom also kinda believes, though she probably doesn't realize that she believes this, that if you don't acknowledge something, it never happened.  I have a very unique relationship with God.  I have since childhood.  It is amazing and it is beautiful.  I didn't always realize that it is amazing and beautiful because it didn't look like my mom's relationship with God.  I felt crazy because I felt peace when others felt panicked.  I felt crazy because bad things did happen to me so I must not have been a good Christian.  I felt crazy because I felt emotions that had been listed as "taboo" and unholy.

Now I use the word jokingly.  I tell people I'm crazy but I don't see it as a stigma or a bad thing at all.  We all have some areas of our lives that we feel a little crazy in.  I just tell people I know I'm crazy but that is why I love God, because He can make sanity out of my craziness.  My life is crazy.  I am a mom of 3 boysThat in itself makes me a little crazy.  Sometimes I feel like life is spinning out of control.  That feels crazy.  Everything is crazy but I'm ok with the crazy now.  I'm ok with it because I know I'm not the only person who feels crazy.  We all do.

"We all go a little mad sometimes, Sydney." ~Scream

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