Sunday, June 17, 2012
I'm struggling with doing this challenge right now. And oddly enough, it has much to do with this word. Perfect. I wanted so badly to do this right but I got tired, I went out with friends, I spent time with my family and then I realized that I wasn't doing this challenge perfectly. I cannot keep up. I even started out behind.
I'm at this strange place in recovery. I am angry with myself for not being able to blog every single day to a new word. And yet, I realize, maybe for the first time in my life, that the reason I haven't kept up is that I am actually LIVING my life. I'm going to concerts with girl friends, I'm tucking my kids into bed, I'm having sex with my husband, I'm getting to bed early enough to be productive at work. I'm living instead of hiding on my blog. And that is ok, good even.
Not to say that blogging is bad. It isn't. I love my little spot in the world where I can just be, no matter what it is that I need to be. This is therapeutic for me. But I can't let it control me either. I nearly gave up on this challenge. I had intended to since I'm so far behind. Then I saw the word perfect today. I strive so hard for perfection that I was about to quit rather than be less than perfect.
The dream of perfection is a hard one to leave behind. I wish I could tell you that every day I just accept myself and all of my imperfections. I wish that I could tell you that I am always, or even usually, as willing to love living and be able to accept imperfection as well as I just did two paragraphs ago. Sadly, that is not the case.
I'm learning to live again. But giving up perfection is still hard. Acknowledging my limitations is still difficult. I still think that the physical laws of nature should apply to others but not me. I still think sometimes that perfection is achievable. The important part in it all though is that I'm making progress. I'm learning to accept myself, slowly but surely. I'm learning to live. I am learning that perfection is not realistic. I am learning that I am enough, exactly how I am.
And I'm grateful for those lessons though sometimes overwhelmed and scared by them.