End

                          
I want nothing more than to be able to say "The End" on this blog.  Not that I don't love you all, I do.  But I don't love that I have a need to write this blog.  I want to say "The End" to the eating disorder.

I wonder sometimes if there will ever be a real end and I don't really think so.  Not that there won't be an end to the disease, because I don't believe that, but that there won't be an end to the affect it has had on my life.  My life has been forever altered.

I believe in full recovery, I have to.  I have to believe in hope and healing.  Otherwise I'm just a girl walking along waiting for the next relapse.  I believe there will be an end to the eating disorder.  But I don't believe there will ever be an end to the journey.  Life is a journey, not a destination.  I'll never be "there" until I'm dead.

As much as I long for the end, I am grateful for the journey.  I am grateful for the dear friends I have met through the journey.  I am grateful for the healing and refining that has happened in my own life.  And most of all, I'm grateful for the fact that my openness and honesty has opened doors to help others walk through this journey.

I'm not there yet.  I wouldn't consider myself recovered yet.  It isn't the end of the eating disorder.....yet.  But I am on the path to freedom.  I am on the road to the end of the disease.  But there won't ever be an end to the journey, to the ways this has affected my life, to the way I allow God to use it in my life and in the lives of others.