child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Day 1 Change

Change.  I could write an entire book about change. The moment you almost figure it all out, the game changes, the players change, the rules change.

Change was a big part of my life growing up.  We moved A LOT, and no, we weren't a military family.  My folks just couldn't stay put.  We moved houses in the same city often, moved to a far away city for a few months, moved back to the original city with two different houses in the year and a half that we lived there until we finally moved here to Denver.  And there were several new houses here as well, six in nine years to be exact.  Homes weren't the only inconsistency.  Almost nothing in my life was constant.

My body started to change and even though I thought I was the ugliest girl ever born, boys still took notice.  But not the boys I ever wanted to take notice, just the ones who saw my body as a way to fill their need without my permission.

My body changed again when I stopped eating.  The curves got smaller.  The complexion got worse.  It wasn't a good change, but it was definitely a change.

Change when I got married.  Learning how to keep a budget (still learning that one!), learning how to cook and clean (still learning those as well!), learning how to communicate when I was hurt and scared that communicating would make him love me less or worse, leave me.

Body change again when I started trying to get pregnant and practically overnight gained 20 pounds.  And then the curves that came with finally growing that sweet baby boy inside of me.  And then again and for good measure one more time.

Everything changed when I relapsed.  I lost friends.  I lost weight.  I lost hair.  I lost time.  I changed.  My relationships changed. My body changed.  My energy changed. Change.  Change.  Change.

Change in recovery.  Changing weights, changing perspectives, changing coping skills. More change.

Even today life changed again. A story for another day, though.

So really in the midst of far too much change, I have these bits of wisdom that I hold on to.
~ The only thing certain in life is change.

~Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she became a beautiful butterfly.  (That is a heck of a lot of change right there, and yet it brings beauty in the end)

and my current favorite
~Vision is what carries you through the pain of transformation.  (Yeah, go ahead and read that one again.  A few more times if you need.  It is that good)

1 comment:

  1. i love the quote about my the butterfly, it's always been one of my favorites ; )

    i know change can be so hard, but i hope that you can see the great things that come from it... keep believing in yourself! i know i believe in you. ; )