child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Sunday, April 29, 2012

excited and scared

I've been trying to be intentional about my sleep since starting my new job which means I have intentionally been avoiding my time warp blog.  But I need a quick reprieve before packing up lunches and heading to bed. 

I did get the new job that I had interviewed for.  Last week was my first week there as well as my last week at my other job.  It made for a tiring week, let me tell ya!  I absolutely love the new job.  I have never been more welcomed at a job.  I am so thrilled to be serving in this capacity for a non-profit organization that I whole heartedly believe in.  Not to mention that I am earning more and working more hours, which is always a plus!

I'm still a little scared though.  I've been mostly a stay at home mamma for quite some time and now I'm actually going back to "real" (I think I prefer to say "scheduled") work.  I've never worked in an office, in a cubicle.  I've never dealt with the ridiculous stress that an office lunch hour brings.  I mean, I brought lunch and I ate it, but all the while I was wondering what they were thinking about my plate.  Was this an appropriate amount of food?  Is there anything in my behavior that would have given my struggles away?  Is this how normal people spend their lunch breaks, eating together and chatting about life?  And no one dies of anxiety in doing it?

I have a lot of what if's going on.  What if I gain a zillion pounds sitting on my butt all day long? I won't be chasing my kids all day anymore. What if I relapse badly again and it becomes easily evident to those around me again?  What if I grow distant from the dear friends that I have now?  Oh that is a big one. 

Seriously, we have been in a similar stage of life.  Sure, most of them have kids younger than mine, but we are all stay at home moms.  How many impromptu play dates at Chic Fil A will I miss before they all have a common bond that I'm no longer a part of?  I remember when one of my good friends went back to work after years of staying at home.  I remember feeling like she no longer understood the day to day of nursing babies and changing diapers and all of the other things that were still a part of my every. single. day.  I remember feeling lonely when she wanted to tell me about her day in the work force, away from her children,when all I had to offer to the conversation was that my baby hadn't lost weight again or had tried a new food.  Not that we loved each other less, but we had less in common and it was the start of drifting apart. 

I know full well that that could very likely happen again.  My kids are all older than theirs and come fall will all be in school all day long.  I have freedom that I didn't have when they were younger.  Freedom to schedule coffee dates instead of McDonald's Playland dates, freedom to do things in the middle of the day without worrying about naps.  I also have the freedom to hold a professional job.  Will the differences in our lives, in our day to day, cause us to drift apart also?  I know it's the natural ebb and flow of relationships, but I am genuinely afraid of this.

I love my new job, but I am a little scared at how it could change my life.  I'm scared of not being able to see the sun whenever I want because I am in a cubicle.  I'm scared of sitting still for hours a day, because I have to.  I'm scared of not meeting my goals at work.  I'm scared that I'm going to burst into tears with the next person who is ridiculously kind to me.  I'm scared I will lose my friends and have to start over once again. 

And I'm equally excited.  I'm excited to open this new chapter of life and see where it takes me.  Like a novel I can't put down, that is how I feel about beginning a new season of life. 

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

my thorn

This morning in the car I got to thinking about "Paul's thorn".  If you aren't familiar with the thorn, here is the reference:

Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 
2 Corinthians 12:7-8

I often wonder what Paul's thorn was.  What tormented his thoughts?  Did he struggle with depression?  With addiction?  With caring for his body?  What  was it that he begged God to take away from him? We don't know, it remained between Paul and God.  But the point is, the man who authored most of the New Testament STRUGGLED.  

I was thinking today about my depression.  I have asked God so many times to heal me from it.  I want to feel what I know to be true.  Quite frankly, I'm quite tired of having to go by what I know and not being able to feel it or enjoy it.  There is more to life than this, right??????  

As I pondered, I remembered the rest of the verse.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
 so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (vs 9)

And there it is.  His grace is enough for me.  His grace gives me strength in the midst of depression.  God may never take away this struggle.  This may be my thorn for the rest of my life.  But His grace still covers me.  His power is made perfect in my depression.  Maybe I would be a different person if God healed me.  Maybe I would forget that I need Him every moment of every day just to make it through.  Maybe I would try to rely on my own strength rather than His power.  Maybe this thorn in my flesh is what keeps me coming back to the throne of grace and keeps me dependent on Christ alone.

Today I will rely on the power of Christ.  I will accept His grace and I will boast that it is not my strength that will carry me through but rather the grace of God.

Monday, April 23, 2012

thoughts from a recovery plateau

I have so much to say.  I wish I could sort it all out so I could say it all.  My brain has been a jumbled mess lately.  I've been forgetting to return calls and my thoughts just tumble over each other in no particular order. I feel like my brain looks like those pictures I posted of my house.

 I find myself both fighting for and against recovery at the same time.  I'm not (usually) intentionally trying to sabotage my recovery and yet I find that I keep getting in the way of my recovery at the same time.  Someday I will reach a point where I can eat intuitively.  I'm definitely not there yet.  I struggle when I feel full but I know I haven't had enough.  My appetite has been rather weak lately.

My taste buds are off.  Few foods actually taste right to me right now.  I actually don't like the taste of most food right now, even some of my favorites.  Thankfully peanut butter is still something I can enjoy so I've been eating spoonfuls of peanut butter when I know I need more to eat.  It is hard to eat when you nearly always really feel full and food has lost its flavor appeal.

I hate this place.  I want to be healthy because I'm actually (mostly) enjoying living again.  And though I know I want to recover more than I want to indulge in my addiction, the addiction still somehow works its magic and causes me to submit-sometimes subconsciously.  There have been more than a few evenings in the past few weeks that I have eaten out of decision rather than desire.  I'm not getting worse, but right now I'm not getting better either.  I have hit a crazy plateau.  Being somewhere in the middle aggravates me more than words can say.  I want to be better or sick, not in the STUCK in the middle!

I feel rather hypocritical that I have a healthy view of food when I think of others but not when I think of me.  When I'm talking with someone else I can see how food is not the enemy.  When I'm dealing with me, however, it's a different story entirely.  I'm so tired of seeing food as the enemy or at best seeing it as a necessary evil.  I so want to enjoy food the way that I expect others to.

And so, at this point of recovery plateau I must live by the immortal words of Dory.....
"Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming."