I find myself both fighting for and against recovery at the same time. I'm not (usually) intentionally trying to sabotage my recovery and yet I find that I keep getting in the way of my recovery at the same time. Someday I will reach a point where I can eat intuitively. I'm definitely not there yet. I struggle when I feel full but I know I haven't had enough. My appetite has been rather weak lately.
My taste buds are off. Few foods actually taste right to me right now. I actually don't like the taste of most food right now, even some of my favorites. Thankfully peanut butter is still something I can enjoy so I've been eating spoonfuls of peanut butter when I know I need more to eat. It is hard to eat when you nearly always really feel full and food has lost its flavor appeal.
I hate this place. I want to be healthy because I'm actually (mostly) enjoying living again. And though I know I want to recover more than I want to indulge in my addiction, the addiction still somehow works its magic and causes me to submit-sometimes subconsciously. There have been more than a few evenings in the past few weeks that I have eaten out of decision rather than desire. I'm not getting worse, but right now I'm not getting better either. I have hit a crazy plateau. Being somewhere in the middle aggravates me more than words can say. I want to be better or sick, not in the STUCK in the middle!
I feel rather hypocritical that I have a healthy view of food when I think of others but not when I think of me. When I'm talking with someone else I can see how food is not the enemy. When I'm dealing with me, however, it's a different story entirely. I'm so tired of seeing food as the enemy or at best seeing it as a necessary evil. I so want to enjoy food the way that I expect others to.
And so, at this point of recovery plateau I must live by the immortal words of Dory.....
"Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming."