child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, April 23, 2012

thoughts from a recovery plateau

I have so much to say.  I wish I could sort it all out so I could say it all.  My brain has been a jumbled mess lately.  I've been forgetting to return calls and my thoughts just tumble over each other in no particular order. I feel like my brain looks like those pictures I posted of my house.

 I find myself both fighting for and against recovery at the same time.  I'm not (usually) intentionally trying to sabotage my recovery and yet I find that I keep getting in the way of my recovery at the same time.  Someday I will reach a point where I can eat intuitively.  I'm definitely not there yet.  I struggle when I feel full but I know I haven't had enough.  My appetite has been rather weak lately.

My taste buds are off.  Few foods actually taste right to me right now.  I actually don't like the taste of most food right now, even some of my favorites.  Thankfully peanut butter is still something I can enjoy so I've been eating spoonfuls of peanut butter when I know I need more to eat.  It is hard to eat when you nearly always really feel full and food has lost its flavor appeal.

I hate this place.  I want to be healthy because I'm actually (mostly) enjoying living again.  And though I know I want to recover more than I want to indulge in my addiction, the addiction still somehow works its magic and causes me to submit-sometimes subconsciously.  There have been more than a few evenings in the past few weeks that I have eaten out of decision rather than desire.  I'm not getting worse, but right now I'm not getting better either.  I have hit a crazy plateau.  Being somewhere in the middle aggravates me more than words can say.  I want to be better or sick, not in the STUCK in the middle!

I feel rather hypocritical that I have a healthy view of food when I think of others but not when I think of me.  When I'm talking with someone else I can see how food is not the enemy.  When I'm dealing with me, however, it's a different story entirely.  I'm so tired of seeing food as the enemy or at best seeing it as a necessary evil.  I so want to enjoy food the way that I expect others to.

And so, at this point of recovery plateau I must live by the immortal words of Dory.....
"Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming."

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