Rules and Regulations

I long for freedom from rules almost as much as I long for rules right now.  I am struggling to keep my brain from overpowering me with rules.  Rules, what I can or cannot eat.  How much I can eat.  How many calories I can have.  The order in which I eat and the way I prepare my meals.  The design and perfect order of how my plate is arranged.  I am maintaining a recovery place.  I am not using behaviors that cause me to stumble.  I am also longing for the security that food rules give me. 

I also desperately long to be completely free.  I long for the day when I refer to my eating disorder in the past tense.  I press on in recovery because someday I will be free.  Someday the rules will be the past, someday I will not crave their structure.  For now, I will settle for fighting the longing for their structure and stability.  For now I will just keep fighting.