truth and humor

There is far too much going on in my brain.  Hubby often tells me that the best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time.  So I guess tonight the elephant in my brain will be tackled one subject at a time. 

I read an interesting statement on my daily calendar earlier this month that has stuck with me. 

"When we are lost, when we are homeless, 

when we've spent years separated from who we are,

threats of failed hearts or joint pressure don't move us.

Dying does not frighten those who are already half dead."

Ganeen Roth

And there it is, the words I have been trying to verbalize for ages of why knowing that an ed is killing you doesn't make the behaviors stop.  It is because you are already half dead.  We know heart attacks happen, kidneys fail, bodies shut down and yet it isn't enough.  Why?  Because dying isn't enough to scare someone who is half dead.  To be quite honest, living is way scarier than dying when you are already half dead.

And now for a funny picture to deliver a truth that I am trying desperately to internalize.  You can thank one of my Facebook friends for this......

depression and recent observations

I'm really struggling right now. Depression has creeped into every inch of my soul. I want to be ok, but I'm not.  I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other but right now it is incredibly hard.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I find myself praying on the way to the work that the chit chat is minimal and the phones are quiet just so that I don't have to talk to anyone.

On another note, I've been observing people a lot lately.  I've had questions. My friend and I have been discussing what is beautiful.  Like for instance the photo below.....


Once being curvy was a sign of wealth, it meant you could afford food.  Now being curvy is seen as a disgrace.  Why?  When did being a walking skeleton become better than looking like a woman?


I'm not any different.  I think those skinny gals look amazing.  I envy them.  Until I see Keira next to Marilyn.  And then I wonder where we went wrong as a society.  Marilyn Monroe must be the sexiest woman in history and by today's standards she would be a plus sized model and second class to the likes of Heidi Klum, Kate Hudson, Keira Knightly.  Why?

My friend posted this old advertisement.....


My friend made the comment that the skinny girl in the ad, looks miserable and hungry.  How true. My lament was that now we are trying to lose those same 10-25 pounds that women 50 years ago were trying to gain.  It isn't about being healthy, it's about being skinny.  If it were about being healthy, we wouldn't be afraid of carbs or every single calorie.  We would be balanced and sometimes chocolate cake would be ok.  We would eat real food and we would look like women not sticks.

And another thought.  Why are we as women so obsessed with getting the pre-pregnancy body back?  Nothing about our lives is the same as before pregnancy, why do we expect our bodies to be the same?  Why do we expect the body of a 12 year old instead of the body of a woman?  Why are we so damn afraid of curves?

Better question, why am I so damn afraid?  I see the walking skeletons, I don't think they are gorgeous.  But I still end up envying them.  I struggle to eat because I'm depressed and food seems so trivial right now.  I have found myself not even getting hungry and eating simply because oh yeah, it's 2 o'clock and I haven't eaten anything yet.  I just don't care.

I'm trying to care.  I'm trying to hang in there.  But really I want to crawl under a big rock and not come out.  I want to hide.  And I just want to sleep for a million bajillion years.  I'll be ok, I always am.  I've noticed a pattern, it is always worse in summer and near Christmas.  It will get better.  I'm ready for it to get better now.

Sorry if I rambled.  I'm tired and over it.  That is usually the best time to write to clear my head but also the worst because I verbally vomit all over the place. 

thoughts from a recovery plateau

I have so much to say.  I wish I could sort it all out so I could say it all.  My brain has been a jumbled mess lately.  I've been forgetting to return calls and my thoughts just tumble over each other in no particular order. I feel like my brain looks like those pictures I posted of my house.

 I find myself both fighting for and against recovery at the same time.  I'm not (usually) intentionally trying to sabotage my recovery and yet I find that I keep getting in the way of my recovery at the same time.  Someday I will reach a point where I can eat intuitively.  I'm definitely not there yet.  I struggle when I feel full but I know I haven't had enough.  My appetite has been rather weak lately.

My taste buds are off.  Few foods actually taste right to me right now.  I actually don't like the taste of most food right now, even some of my favorites.  Thankfully peanut butter is still something I can enjoy so I've been eating spoonfuls of peanut butter when I know I need more to eat.  It is hard to eat when you nearly always really feel full and food has lost its flavor appeal.

I hate this place.  I want to be healthy because I'm actually (mostly) enjoying living again.  And though I know I want to recover more than I want to indulge in my addiction, the addiction still somehow works its magic and causes me to submit-sometimes subconsciously.  There have been more than a few evenings in the past few weeks that I have eaten out of decision rather than desire.  I'm not getting worse, but right now I'm not getting better either.  I have hit a crazy plateau.  Being somewhere in the middle aggravates me more than words can say.  I want to be better or sick, not in the STUCK in the middle!

I feel rather hypocritical that I have a healthy view of food when I think of others but not when I think of me.  When I'm talking with someone else I can see how food is not the enemy.  When I'm dealing with me, however, it's a different story entirely.  I'm so tired of seeing food as the enemy or at best seeing it as a necessary evil.  I so want to enjoy food the way that I expect others to.

And so, at this point of recovery plateau I must live by the immortal words of Dory.....

"Just keep swimming.  Just keep swimming."