uninsurable

My insurance agent made a mistake and didn't switch my bank account on my life insurance when we changed banks.  He switched it for my car and home insurance, he didn't get the life insurance policy switched.  It lapsed, I realized, I panicked.  He told me reinstating it  was easy, just fill out these forms.

I fill out said forms which ask  questions about physical and mental health within the last 5 years.  Well, you can't lie, that is insurance fraud, and I do have things on my medical record that weren't there when I first got my policy.  Things like an eating disorder and a stay in the mental hospital.  Things like suicidal ideations, Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and PTSD. 

Apparently insurance doesn't like those things.  They asked more questions.  I answered them.  Yesterday I received the letter stating that my request for policy reinstatement was denied.  I have no life insurance anymore.  I am not insurable anymore.  And I lost my coverage all because of a clerical error.

I have a myriad of emotions about it.  The first was anger.  And let's be honest, I'm still pretty hot about it.  I felt a little bit of overwhelm.  And I also feel a bit like Marshall in the episode of How I Met Your Mother when he is imagining bears jumping out at him in NYC and attacking him.  Ok, so that last one makes me laugh so at least when I feel the pit in my stomach growing I can switch gears and laugh for a moment.

One more thing that this eating disorder has taken from me, insurability.  I don't know if I'm most angry at my agent for the error, at myself for not catching it sooner, or at Orange for stealing one more thing from me.  I'm going to get better.  I'm going to prove them wrong. 

And now I need to take a deep breath, finish getting ready for work and take this day one step at a time.  I will trust myself to my Creator, both physically and emotionally.  He sees it all and He is here with me, even here, even without insurance.

on the road again

I'm enjoying a glass of red wine and chilling out in front of the computer.  I'd like to be listening to only the sounds of my typing and the fan gently blowing but instead I'm listening to the sound of my kids kicking their walls and playing instead of sleeping.  Usually that pisses me off, tonight it just annoys me.  I know that someday I'm going to miss the days when they were supposed to be sleeping in the next room over. 

I gave a teaser in my last post so I thought I'd fill you all in.  Hubby is on the job hunt.  It is a little scary and exciting all at the same time.  The short version of the story is that the company he has worked for for nearly nine years is going in a different direction.  It has become clear to us that it is time to move on.  He is leaving on mutually good terms, he's not angry with the company and three of the managers are writing him letters of reference.

With the new direction the company is taking, Hubby can either change to change with the company and be miserable at his job or he can move on.  He and I and his managers agree that it is time to move on.  He gave his notice yesterday.  His last day will be September 12.  He's not being fired but he is being forced out. 

I almost feel like I should be mad but I'm not.  I'm ready.  For eight years he loved his job.  For this past year he has not enjoyed it at all and it has taken a toll on him physically and emotionally.  And when he has a toll taken, it naturally takes a toll on me as well. 

I'm excited to see him move on.  I'm terrified to see him move on.  I'm excited for a new season.  I'm scared that it may be a difficult transition.  I'm at peace because I know it is the right move for him and for us as a family.  I'm at peace because I believe God has His hand over us and that this is part of His plan.  I'm scared because I don't know what is next.

My fight is going well.  I still have the thoughts, the voices that beg me to go back.  Right now though I want this healthy(er) life more than I want that sick and disordered life.  Right now I can fight.  Right now I can lean into the arms of my Savior and trust He has me in His hands.  Right now though it is still a fight, it is a smaller battle.  For that I am so grateful.  I'm so glad that me eating isn't a worry on Hubby's plate while he looks for work.  I'm praying for continued strength for my journey.

Day 1 Change

Change.  I could write an entire book about change. The moment you almost figure it all out, the game changes, the players change, the rules change.

Change was a big part of my life growing up.  We moved A LOT, and no, we weren't a military family.  My folks just couldn't stay put.  We moved houses in the same city often, moved to a far away city for a few months, moved back to the original city with two different houses in the year and a half that we lived there until we finally moved here to Denver.  And there were several new houses here as well, six in nine years to be exact.  Homes weren't the only inconsistency.  Almost nothing in my life was constant.

My body started to change and even though I thought I was the ugliest girl ever born, boys still took notice.  But not the boys I ever wanted to take notice, just the ones who saw my body as a way to fill their need without my permission.

My body changed again when I stopped eating.  The curves got smaller.  The complexion got worse.  It wasn't a good change, but it was definitely a change.

Change when I got married.  Learning how to keep a budget (still learning that one!), learning how to cook and clean (still learning those as well!), learning how to communicate when I was hurt and scared that communicating would make him love me less or worse, leave me.

Body change again when I started trying to get pregnant and practically overnight gained 20 pounds.  And then the curves that came with finally growing that sweet baby boy inside of me.  And then again and for good measure one more time.

Everything changed when I relapsed.  I lost friends.  I lost weight.  I lost hair.  I lost time.  I changed.  My relationships changed. My body changed.  My energy changed. Change.  Change.  Change.

Change in recovery.  Changing weights, changing perspectives, changing coping skills. More change.

Even today life changed again. A story for another day, though.

So really in the midst of far too much change, I have these bits of wisdom that I hold on to.
~ The only thing certain in life is change.

~Just when the caterpillar thought her life was over, she became a beautiful butterfly.  (That is a heck of a lot of change right there, and yet it brings beauty in the end)

and my current favorite
~Vision is what carries you through the pain of transformation.  (Yeah, go ahead and read that one again.  A few more times if you need.  It is that good)