child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

e.d talks in orange (previously titled: ahhhhh, much better)

Ok, now that my everyone in my house is sleeping peacefully and I can think straight instead of just having random emotions dive bomb me sporadically, I'm back.  My house is quiet, my beer is not quite cold but not warm either, and my brain is focused.

This morning was the follow up to the thyroid check I had 2 weeks ago.  I stepped on the scale, facing forward, confident that I was going to be ok.  The number wasn't actually too scarey.  I half smiled.  Then e.d spoke.  "You know, that number isn't too terrible.  It is only a pound higher than your desired weight and 6 pounds higher than your ideal weight.  That would be easy enough to get rid of."  Wait, where the heck did that voice in my head just come from.  Wasn't I just ok with the number a moment ago?  I had just half smiled because I knew my doctor wasn't going to scold me.  I knew this number was still within my acceptable range.  But for a moment, e.d. told me it wasn't actually an acceptable number.

So then there was actually seeing the doctor.  She was going over my thyroid labs, explaining them to me.  She informed me that we have over-corrected my thyroid and now it is functioning too high (and for anyone out there with endocrinology experience, I do know know that running "high" is actually a lower number and running "low" is a higher number!) .  Grrr, come on body, find your balance!  She asked me a series of questions, the first being, "Have you had any unexplained weight loss?"  Well, yes, now that you mention it.  I did ask my hubby just yesterday if he thought I had lost weight again.  My shorts that fit well just last week were pretty loose this week.  He said he thinks I have, but said I don't look unhealthy at this point.  She concurred.  I am down ____ lbs since March.  She isn't worried.  I'm still within healthy range, though on the lower end of it.  She said it is because my thyroid is running so high right now.

So we are decreasing my dose of thyroid meds, which I'm actually glad about.  I was so jacked the past few times that I have had a thyroid test, that my dosage had gotten high enough that it required 2 pills because I had exceeded the highest dose they make.  I do not mind going down to just 1 pill.  Then e.d spoke.  "You do know that when your thyroid balances out and quits being hyperactive that you will gain weight, don't you?  You know, you could keep taking the full dose.  She would never know unless you told her and then your weight wouldn't go back up."  E.d. lies.  My body won't properly use the nutrients that I give it if I let it continue out of control, and yet e.d tried to tell me that wouldn't be a big deal.

*****in case you are wondering, the voice of e.d being in orange is not a coincidence.  orange is probably my least favorite in the rainbow.  E.d's voice is the color I like least so that I can actually see how much I dislike it!  Yes, my logic is interesting, but it works for me :)

I don't think I actually was able to acknowledge how far I have come until I spoke with the doctor.  It was encouraging to be able to look her in the eye when she asked me questions.  It was encouraging to hear her comment on the difference in me in the last year.  I'm actually making progress!  Yay for progress!

The other things of the day weren't as big as they felt earlier.  I am still discouraged in the taking care of the house aspect though.  I need someone who can help me get through this, someone who can teach me and not judge me at the same time.  In a perfect world I would have someone who was both a professional organizer and a therapist all in one who could help me clean up and deal with whatever the issues are that are contributing to my chaos.  Oh, yeah, and their help would be free because we cannot even afford ANY extras right now!

It is hard knowing there is a massive perfectionist in me when I look around.  Earlier, when I was over the top upset, all I could think of was, "I can't even be a perfectionist right!  What is wrong with me?!?"  Only I would think such a silly thought.

So that was my day.  On a side note I may soon be employed by someone who pays me with real money instead of hugs and kisses.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love getting paid in hugs, kisses, colored pictures and "I love you mommy!" 's, but to be able to contribute to our financial situation and still get to spend most of my day with my boys sounds wonderful.  I'll only tell you more if I get the job (I don't care if it is nearly for sure, I'm not talking about it until it is really for sure!).

On another side note, this morning I told my doctor how much you all have played in my recovery.  The support I feel when I'm overwhelmed, having a rough day, hating my body, or crying when I eat is unparalleled.  I'm guessing that a bunch of people who have affected my story, don't even know I exist.  Not only do I get great encouragement from you guys, I also find that those you follow give me great encouragement as well.  You guys are an amazing support system and I love you all!  Thanks for making the journey of recovery as pleasant as it is possible for it to be.


  1. 1. You are so insightful and self-aware! Keep disputing those irrantional orange thoughts ... you're definitely onto something. Sounds like BIG progress to me, you're right!

    2. Isn't it funny how we can see how irrational that voice is, yet we (or at least I do anyway) still give it so much power and control? Ah, that's the disorder of it all.

    3. This just may be your "perfect world" sista! I happen to be a part-time professional organizer for a very well-known and highly esteemed company. Oh and in less than a year I'll (finally!) be a licensed therapist, ha! I'll make a house call to your neck of the woods any day :)

    4. Can't wait to hear more about this job! Fingers and toes crossed for you!

    5. Sorry for the list. Feeling a little OCD-out-of-control today ;)

  2. Amy,
    1. Don't ever apologize for a list! I LOVE lists. I find them to be quite soothing. See, we are both weird :)

    2. I gave the voice orange because when I actually see it written out, I can see how irrational it is. When the thoughts stay in my head they are so much more powerful than when they are orange and I can identify them.

    3. I'm the type of perfectionist who would rather not try than try and not get it perfect. So I often just ignore the stuff around me and find one stupid piddly thing to be the queen of perfect in.

    4. If you are ever in the Denver Metro area, let me know, and I'll take you up on your house call offer! Who would have thought that I actually KNOW someone who handles both of those????