Anyway, last night was rough. While I thoroughly enjoyed my friends and the great conversations, I struggled through dinner. Nearly every bite brought large hot tears to my eyes. I forced them back and not one fell but they were definitely there. I wonder if it was noticeable to my friends. I ate. They all know. I didn't want the "looks". I didn't want people worrying. I wanted them to all think I'm better than I actually am.
By the time I got home after the tire fiasco, I was done. D.O.N.E! I got online and found some amazing blogs. And here is what I saw.
- I am not the only one who cries when I eat.
- I am not the only one who thinks I am doing a great job in recovery only to have life slap me in the face and realize that recovery is a process not an event.
- I am not the only one who hates the process of recovery.
- It is possible to have true recovery.
- Even those who are much further in recovery than I am have to battle that inner demon who insists that they are not good enough.
- No one is perfect and we all struggle with something, for me it is anorexia.
- I am worth fighting for.
My dear friend once said that she is tired of hearing people say that God will not give us more than we can bear. It isn't in the Bible anywhere. He says we won't be tempted beyond what we can bear but no where does it say we won't get more than we can bear. I think God often gives us more than we can bear. If I could handle it, I wouldn't need Him. I wouldn't need a Savior. I would be my own strength instead of relying on His strength. His strength is perfect in my weakness. Today, I have more than I can bear. Today I will call out to Jesus and let Him be my strength.
I'm worth fighting for and I'm going to fight. I'm going to win the war, even if I lose some battles. I'm going to get back on my recovery horse and keep fighting. I'm tired of fighting. I also know the old saying that the one who wins the war is the one who fights 5 minutes longer than the opponent. I am going to fight and I am going to win with God as my strength and hope.