child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, June 6, 2011

hope for today

Last night I stayed up late.  It had been a really crummy day with a couple of bright spots (like seeing my MOPS buddies for our end of year party).  On the way home from aforesaid party, my tire blew out.  Fun times.  Hmmmm, I do know how to change a tire but it was 10pm, I was alone, I was wearing a sundress and I was not in the greatest part of town.  I called my parents first.  They were closer and hubby had to be at work at 3:30am.  They weren't able to come over.  I called my hubby.  Like the amazing man he is, he got his mom to sit at our house with our sleeping children (this is one of the moments that I LOVE having my in-laws next door) and he came to my rescue.  Once again my knight in shining armor.

Anyway, last night was rough.  While I thoroughly enjoyed my friends and the great conversations, I struggled through dinner.  Nearly every bite brought large hot tears to my eyes.  I forced them back and not one fell but they were definitely there.  I wonder if it was noticeable to my friends.  I ate.  They all know.  I didn't want the "looks".  I didn't want people worrying.  I wanted them to all think I'm better than I actually am.  

By the time I got home after the tire fiasco, I was done.  D.O.N.E!  I got online and found some amazing blogs.  And here is what I saw. 
  • I am not the only one who cries when I eat. 
  • I am not the only one who thinks I am doing a great job in recovery only to have life slap me in the face and realize that recovery is a process not an event
  • I am not the only one who hates the process of recovery.
  • It is possible to have true recovery.
  •  Even those who are much further in recovery than I am have to battle that inner demon who insists that they are not good enough.
  • No one is perfect and we all struggle with something, for me it is anorexia.
  • I am worth fighting for.
So today with that knowledge, I am going to press onward.  I am going to fight for me.  I don't want to lose myself to ED again.  I want to remember who I am and what I like.  I'm still learning who I am and what I like.  It is a journey of self discovery.  Too many years I have been defined by what I do (and sometimes what I don't do, like eat). 

My dear friend once said that she is tired of hearing people say that God will not give us more than we can bear.  It isn't in the Bible anywhere.  He says we won't be tempted beyond what we can bear but no where does it say we won't get more than we can bear.  I think God often gives us more than we can bear.  If I could handle it, I wouldn't need Him.  I wouldn't need a Savior.  I would be my own strength instead of relying on His strength.  His strength is perfect in my weakness.  Today, I have more than I can bear.  Today I will call out to Jesus and let Him be my strength. 

I'm worth fighting for and I'm going to fight.  I'm going to win the war, even if I lose some battles.  I'm going to get back on my recovery horse and keep fighting.  I'm tired of fighting.  I also know the old saying that the one who wins the war is the one who fights 5 minutes longer than the opponent.  I am going to fight and I am going to win with God as my strength and hope.

1 comment:

  1. hmm, that second-to-last paragraph is wisdom.