child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Tuesday, June 7, 2011


I cannot control my tire deciding to blow out on Sunday.  I cannot control my hubby.  I cannot control my children.  I cannot control my mother.  I cannot control earthquakes, tsunamis, and tornadoes.  I cannot control the rate at which our house is sinking into the foundation.  I cannot control when the sun rises, when the stars fall, when my appliances will have their last breath, what others think of me, gravity, the waves that lap the shore, or God.

I have found myself seeking control in an unhealthy way again.  Ugh, it is so frustrating to be back at this point.  I was unreasonably sharp with my kids today.  I just felt raw.  Hubby noticed but didn't say anything.  Then I had a bagel and he noticed that my tone softened greatly with our kids.  Then he commented.  He asked what I had eaten today.  I shrugged and said, "A bagel and some cream cheese."  I was nearly 2pm.  He told me the difference in how I had talked to the kids pre-food and post-food.  I knew, I could hear it in my voice.  More importantly, I could feel it.

So once again hubby is checking in on me with food.  He told me he would refrain from pestering me non stop about food but that he would ask me daily now if I have eaten.  I thanked him and at the same time wanted to scream at him.  He asked if I was mad at him.  No, not mad at him, mad at me.  Mad that I am back at the point of needing to be checked in on that I am eating.  Mad at myself for allowing anorexia to have that little foothold again and how it affects my children.  Mad that I yell at my kids and don't really listen to what they are saying when I don't eat.  Mad that to restrict myself will cause hurt to my kids.  I don't want to hurt them. 

Since control having to do with food is not a healthy or acceptable form of control for me right now, I have to realize OTHER areas that I am in control over. 

Acceptable forms of control:
  • ordering a 12 syllable drink at Starbucks (venti, triple shot, non fat, vanilla latte)
  • which color sundress I want to buy or wear next
  • journaling in colored sharpies
  • the next books I choose from the library to read
  • my sewing scrapbox
  • who I am friends with on Facebook
  • what time I go to bed
  • choosing a font for my blog

a new haircut

every nail a different shade of purple :)


  1. Your haircut is so cute!!! Also, I love your nails. I am the laziest nail painter ever so I doubly appreciate the effort you put in. I always smudge it!

    Re: the bagel--doesn't it suck sometimes that we need food to be, er, normal? We're just like everyone else in the world. Who would have thought?! :) I'm so proud of you for eating and for accepting the help from your hubby in reminding you to stay on track. There's no shame in that--you're just doing the best you can to be the best mom for your kids! Similarly, I've been working on being a more intentional friend lately. My husband has been helping me to remember to call people and do other nice things for them. It makes me feel kind of lame that I need reminders for that, but at least I'm asking for the support I need to be the best friend I can be. Otherwise, I'd be trapped in my busy bubble and let my relationships slide. I hope it makes you feel better to know that you're not the only one who needs help sometimes!

  2. Thanks, Sarah! I love the new cut. It was free because I was a model for my friends little sister who is finishing beauty school. It took 3 hrs but it was enjoyable.

    It does help to know that I am not the only one who needs help. And what???? What is this about being like everyone else in the world? That can't be. Didn't God make a few of us to not need the same things everyone does? ;-)

    Thanks for the encouragement. And way to go on working on being an intentional friend and accepting D's help. I totally get that. I am working on being an intentional parent, which is actually harder than it sounds.

  3. I'd actually be interested in a post about intentional parenting...what does that mean/look like for you? You totally don't have to do a post like that but I'd just be interested!

  4. yeah, I will. Not tonight though. I'm tired! Hubby has a new computer toy he has been playing with so I haven't had a chance to get on the computer nearly at all in the last 2 days. I'll think about that and definitely do a post on that at some point. thanks :)