I have found myself seeking control in an unhealthy way again. Ugh, it is so frustrating to be back at this point. I was unreasonably sharp with my kids today. I just felt raw. Hubby noticed but didn't say anything. Then I had a bagel and he noticed that my tone softened greatly with our kids. Then he commented. He asked what I had eaten today. I shrugged and said, "A bagel and some cream cheese." I was nearly 2pm. He told me the difference in how I had talked to the kids pre-food and post-food. I knew, I could hear it in my voice. More importantly, I could feel it.
So once again hubby is checking in on me with food. He told me he would refrain from pestering me non stop about food but that he would ask me daily now if I have eaten. I thanked him and at the same time wanted to scream at him. He asked if I was mad at him. No, not mad at him, mad at me. Mad that I am back at the point of needing to be checked in on that I am eating. Mad at myself for allowing anorexia to have that little foothold again and how it affects my children. Mad that I yell at my kids and don't really listen to what they are saying when I don't eat. Mad that to restrict myself will cause hurt to my kids. I don't want to hurt them.
Since control having to do with food is not a healthy or acceptable form of control for me right now, I have to realize OTHER areas that I am in control over.
Acceptable forms of control:
- ordering a 12 syllable drink at Starbucks (venti, triple shot, non fat, vanilla latte)
- which color sundress I want to buy or wear next
- journaling in colored sharpies
- the next books I choose from the library to read
- my sewing scrapbox
- who I am friends with on Facebook
- what time I go to bed
- choosing a font for my blog
|a new haircut|
|every nail a different shade of purple :)|