child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Friday, June 3, 2011


I have a thyroid check on Tuesday.  I'm not worried about the needle, I'm worried about the scale.  I spent YEARS to find a doctor that I really like and I'm not willing to lose her.  That said, going to the doctor's office where I was diagnosed with anorexia makes the scales really feel like a competition.  I should just stand backwards on the scale so I don't see the numbers but I don't know that I have the strength to do that.  Even if I don't look, the nurse is not even remotely secretive about it and I always see her writing the numbers and the +/- lbs down on my chart for my doctor. 

Though I want to hear that I am still at a healthy weight, there is a part of me terrified to hear that exact thing.  Why do unhealthy numbers appeal to me so?  I don't think they are beautiful but they are so compelling.  I don't like the emaciated look and yet the thrill of the chase makes me want it.  I want to be perfect and I want to be the "perfect anorexic" which I never was.  I consumed way too few calories to be healthy and yet I would read of others consuming less and I would wonder what was wrong with me that I was getting 100 more calories/day than that girl.  Why couldn't I be perfect at depriving myself? 

I may be rambling now.  I am emotionally worn today and this post is evidence of that.  I am conflicted greatly between the desire to be healthy and enjoy my life and the desire to be disciplined and perfect and starving.  The battle is raging in me today.  This exact moment, there are three angelic faces upstairs who need a mamma and an amazing man who needs a wife and that is my sole motivation for even trying to fight this battle right now.  This exact second, they are my only reason to not give in to the illusion of comfort that not eating brings.


  1. I'm sorry you're struggling so much today. I know how frustrating and upsetting it can get when you suddenly don't want to fight anymore. It's exhausting! Remember what you said the other day about not being alone, though. And remember what you said just now about "the ILLUSION of comfort that not eating brings." It's hard not to fall into that illusion. I'm here if you want to talk or complain or vent or cry! If you need any extra support Tuesday (or ever!), feel free to E-Mail me or get my number to text me. Hang in there, girl. Those three angellic faces and that amazing man do need you ... we all do!

  2. but of course (you know this) that even then you wouldn't have thought you were doing it "right"-you know what they say; the only perfect anorexic is a dead one.

    thought as to why: for me at least, concerns about how well i "did" at the eating disorder tend to come back to the issue of feeling that i need to work and suffer in order to deserve the care of others.

    as for the scale: you can definitely do it. even when i do get on facing front, i never look at the number, because there is literally no reason to have that you're in good company. :)