anniversaries and healing

Today I want to celebrate a little bit.  It's an anniversary for me but not one most people would celebrate so just bear with me a little while I explain.  On this day 3 years ago relapse hit full force.  Typically one doesn't remember the day things started going south but I do.  I had been allowing disordered thoughts, actions, and habits for more than a year but then something snapped.  July 24, 2010 I drove to the airport to pick up a friend and suddenly every single calorie in my drink attacked my brain.

I panicked and restricted.  I restricted severely.  I exercised until my body collapsed.  It wasn't pretty.  It was among the darkest times of my life.  So why on earth would I want to celebrate the anniversary of the day relapse became official?  Well, because I don't remember the date that I started recovery.  I can celebrate today because I can clearly see how different my life is now than it was on this day 3 years ago.

That is part one of this post.  Where I was then.  And now for where I am today.  

I recently did something brave, something really brave.  Something I thought was a gift for my husband but turned out being a gift for myself as well.  I did a boudoir photo shoot for Hubby's birthday.  This is the 3rd time that I have purchased a package, and the first time that I finally had the courage to actually use it. I just have never been able to convince myself that my body is beautiful enough to take pictures of it.

In a random and quick burst of bravery I called and made the appointment.  Somehow I made myself  show up for the photo shoot.  I'm not particularly modest but I am uncomfortable in my skin.  How on earth that happens I don't know.  My hesitation wasn't about posing in my underware, it was about not liking my body. I'm not really sure if that makes sense but it does in my head.

It was a different experience than I could have even imagined.  It was actually fun.  It was empowering.  I felt pretty even in my own skin!  I didn't tell Hubby I were I was going.  I didn't even tell him after I had done it.  For two weeks I kept the secret.  Finally the day of the consultation I had a friend watch the kids, told Hubby I had a surprise for his birthday and drove him to the photographers.

He was SHOCKED.  He was amazed.  He loved all of it.  And then I was able to finally tell him what had happened to me through the experience.  I was able to tell him how I thought I was giving him a gift but how I had been able to relax and be ok  with my body during the shoot.  I told him how healing this experience had been for me.  I don't know if I can even fully express the healing this brought to my soul.  And at that moment he informed me that I was the best gift I could have ever given him.  The gift wasn't the pictures, the gift was me.  The gift was seeing me smile.  The gift was watching me begin to heal.

Speed (up)dating

In the 5 minutes I have before I leave for work, I'm going to update. I have noticed some really healthy things going on in my brain.  I weigh the most that I have since before relapse.  Let's face it, I am back to pre-relapse weight.  In some areas that is very scary.  I feel like I'm one brownie away from being post-baby weight again but I know that is perception not reality.  I've heard things come out of my mouth like....

This summer I am working on accepting this new body.

I'm trying to find clothes to fit my body rather than make my body fit my clothes.

and the best one yet.....

Please don't edit my birthmark out of those pictures.   I need to be able to be beautiful just as God created me and I need to be ok with that "flaw" on my body.  

It isn't all easy-peasy.  There are days that the fact that my thighs are beginning to touch again really bothers me.  But as a whole, the healthy voice in my head is starting to get louder than the unhealthy voice which is, in my book, huge progress toward healing. 

That's all for now, must head to work.  Love you friends!

bread, sex and other random thoughts

Random weekend thoughts......

I must bake bread.  My current emotional survival depends on rising dough, punching it down, kneading it and the smell of fresh baked bread filling my house!  I have flour and yeast.  I need the comfort that bread making brings.  Not really sure why, but I do.  Life has been going great and I have also felt the tug of depression.  I can't even begin to figure it out.  I'm on top of the world with tears hiding behind my eyes.  I wonder once it is made if I will eat the bread or gift it away like I usually do.  Maybe both? 

I had a moment of progress.  I was goofing around and made a sucked in face pose (how does one actually describe the face you make?????) and when I did my collar bone stuck out big time.  I instantly longed for that body again and just as quickly as I longed for it I thought how much fun sex is with a healthy body.  I actually ENJOY when my husband touches me now.  I actually desire and look forward to his touch again.  I can reach the peak of fulfillment again which I couldn't when I was sick. 

When I was sick, I dreaded his amorous attentions.  It hurt my bones to have his hands touching my body.  It didn't feel good at all.  It was a chore and made me understand why some refer to it as a wifely duty.  So while I was wanting that body again, I didn't want the pain again.  I really like sex and I really want to keep liking sex and I can't do that with an unhealthy body. 

Does that realization mean that I don't ever struggle?  No, unfortunately it doesn't take away the argument in my brain or the voices that demand that I be punished.  But it does put one more thing in the pro-healthy body category to help fight those voices. 

Happy weekend friends and here is a beautiful thought to end on....

feelings and truth

Totally not feeling the self love today.  Not liking my body.  Not liking my emotions.  Not liking my insufficiency at maintaining my house or cooking healthy meals for my family.  Just not feeling the love today.  But my feelings don't change what is true.  Here's to hoping that what is true will change my feelings.

TRUTHS:

• I am enough just the way I am.  
• I am loved and accepted exactly how I am.
• I am a daughter of God, made in His image to reflect His beauty.
• Beauty isn't in the size of my hips or thighs.
• My value doesn't come from a perfect body, a clean house, well behaved children, a great marriage.  My value lies in the fact that God created me.
• an ice cream bar is not the devil and having one occasionally won't kill me or inflate me 3,000 lbs
• I am not a super model but I am still beautiful in my own right.  (That was unbelievably difficult to type and I'm forcing myself to not backspace this whole sentence.)
• I am worth the time.
• I have something valuable to offer. 
• I have a voice and things to say and that doesn't make me difficult, contrary, or ungodly.  It makes me who God designed me to be.
• I'm worth protecting.

Some of those are significantly harder than others to believe much less feel. 

body appreciation day 1 - my hands

I'm specifically looking for things my body does well.  I choose to dishonor my body in so many ways, punishing it for not being a certain way, for not responding a certain way or for responding in any way against what my mind desires.  But in the spirit of the new year and having a desire to get past this once and for all, I want to honor my body.  I'm not sure what that looks like for future posts but for today, it looks like this.....

I am so grateful that I have two functional thumbs!  You don't know how much you use your thumbs until you cannot use one of them for two weeks.  For the first of those weeks, I couldn't even use my right hand at all.  So today, what I appreciate about this temple that God gave me is my thumbs.  The right one is still tingling when touched on one side and doesn't have full strength back yet, but still, I can use my hands. 

My hands have held my husband.  My hands have comforted my children.  My hands have wiped away tears.  My hands have cradled my newborn children.  My hands have helped to teach my children to write.  My hands let me express my feelings on paper or on the computer.  Today my hands will shovel my in-laws sidewalk to keep them from having to go outside in the cold.  My hands have offered kindness to many.