I swear that if I hear one more person tell me that you can only eat 7 almonds for your liver to function properly, that I will scream! If I hear one more conversation in the lunch room about sugar grams, fat grams, appropriate forms of protien, I may pull out all of my hair! But hey, at least I could make bald a new fashion statement, right?
I think that for the next 6 weeks of this stupid health class I will be enjoying lunch anywhere but the lunchroom! Sitting at my desk with my oatmeal and facebook suddenly seems like the best option EVER. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to tell people that sometimes there is such a thing as "too healthy". I want them to know that sometimes people like me take knowledge of health and distort it and use it as a weapon against my body instead of a tool to help my body.
I still read labels. I still refuse certain ingrediants. And I also am trying really hard to balance that with moderation. You know, the kind of moderation that says it is ok if someone brings in cookies to work to have one in spite of the fact that there is no label for me to read. The kind of moderation that that knows that homemade veggie lasagna is still a healthy option, even though it has noodles in it. The kind of moderation that has lacked in my life for a while now.
For the record, work is very orange enabling right now. I could count my almonds like they recommend, or I could trust that my nutritionist knows what she is talking about when she tells me that 1/4 cup is a serving and to not measure or count but instead trust my intuition. My health depends on trusting my nutritionist right now and not letting other voices interfere with the plan that she has laid out for me. That is so much easier to say than to do.
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Showing posts with label lonely. Show all posts
Monday, October 15, 2012
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
How does she do that??????
I planned on skipping lunch today. Yes, I am flat out admitting that I had every intention of having a low intake day. I have been once again fighting the voice in my head (or maybe indulging the voice in my head) that swears that I can both live and restrict. That voice is trying so hard to tell me that I can still be me, that I can still be a great mom, wife, friend and employee without the assistance of food.
Let's be honest for a moment, I know the voice is lying and yet I still feel the need to listen when it speaks. I still feel like I could be the different one, that my disease wouldn't steal from me. I still feel like if I could be down x pounds before my doctor's appointment that I would be "happy" with myself.
And then my work friend happens along on the days that I have no intention of eating and she just seems to KNOW. Once it was a friendly, "Hey, have you taken your lunch yet?" Last time it was the one I blogged about with a touch on my knee and a "You ok?" Today it was the offer of splitting the cost of Chipotle. How did she know? How did she know that today was the day that I needed to eat, that today was the day I had not one intention of indulging in lunch, that Chipotle was probably the only thing that could have tempted me?
I don't know, but I'm grateful that she brought me out of my head. I'm grateful that she gave me perspective enough to see the faultiness of the voice in my head. And I'm grateful that she went and got the food. God must have known that I needed someone here who could pull me out of my head once in a while. There is no other reason that I can think of that the only times she has mentioned food to me have been the days that I have really been struggling!
Let's be honest for a moment, I know the voice is lying and yet I still feel the need to listen when it speaks. I still feel like I could be the different one, that my disease wouldn't steal from me. I still feel like if I could be down x pounds before my doctor's appointment that I would be "happy" with myself.
And then my work friend happens along on the days that I have no intention of eating and she just seems to KNOW. Once it was a friendly, "Hey, have you taken your lunch yet?" Last time it was the one I blogged about with a touch on my knee and a "You ok?" Today it was the offer of splitting the cost of Chipotle. How did she know? How did she know that today was the day that I needed to eat, that today was the day I had not one intention of indulging in lunch, that Chipotle was probably the only thing that could have tempted me?
I don't know, but I'm grateful that she brought me out of my head. I'm grateful that she gave me perspective enough to see the faultiness of the voice in my head. And I'm grateful that she went and got the food. God must have known that I needed someone here who could pull me out of my head once in a while. There is no other reason that I can think of that the only times she has mentioned food to me have been the days that I have really been struggling!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
breaking the silence part 1
It has been a while. I have struggled and grown, fought and been stretched. I didn't intend to do any of those things, nor did I intend to do them alone. The budget was tight this month and the tv/internet was the least important of the bills and therefore, I had no internet and ended up growing and stretching without you, my dear friends and sounding board.
I have to say this month has been one of the hardest and one of the most rewarding. I had to come to terms with the diet talk at work. Someone mentioned the person who had taught the class about "the diet" and I know her. And the "diet" isn't a diet at all, it is a healthy living lifestyle class not a "I'm fat and need to lose 20 pounds" fad diet. Here's where I had to realize my own insanity. This class is a really helpful and informative class. Much of what it entails I had already been doing in my own efforts to live healthy (before relapse) before I even took the class. The problem with it was in my own brain. I took those healthy living steps in that class and made them into hard. fast. rules. So though I was already mostly living them, suddenly they were RULES and I would rather not eat than break them. I am the one who went too far, not the program. It was my brain not the class that distorted it into what it became for me. For most people I would recommend it in a heartbeat, just not for me or anyone else prone to eating disorder struggles.
My first three weeks at work were filled with tears. I loved what I was doing, I loved the people when I saw them in their cubicles or in the hall or mail room just not when they were all gathered together. I cried more in front of people in those three weeks than I think I have in years. I just couldn't stop the tears from coming no matter how hard I tried. I was tired. I was lonely. I didn't know where I fit in this tight knit group of people who all already know each other and have a history together and know each others stories. I tried so hard to make conversation. I would add something to a conversation and get a polite head nod and then they were back in their own little lives and the conversation went on as though I had said nothing. They weren't trying to exclude me but I felt extremely excluded.
And then there was food. Ahhhh, my old bitter enemy. Rephrase, food isn't the enemy, how I feel about it is, how I interact with it is, how I use it to avoid my feelings is the real enemy. I wasn't eating breakfast and barely eating lunch. All I could think about was how I was going to cope in this very lonely place that I now work in four days a week. Restricting was just the easy go to. It felt wonderfully terrible. I cannot think of a time before that restricting made me feel so guilty while still delivering the physical euphoria that I longed for. I knew I wasn't taking care of myself but for the life of me I couldn't remember why I needed to move forward. All I could think about was that I don't think I was really that sick EVER. It couldn't have really been that bad or I would remember why I couldn't go back to it, right?
I have one vivid memory that is the only thing I can see in my mind as proof to myself that it was worse than I ever thought it was. When I was in the hospital a very overweight woman looked at me and said, "This is what self hatred looks like, eating a weeks worth of calories in a day." I pulled up my shirt and said, "It also looks like this, eating a days worth of calories in a week." Three people in the room gasped when I lifted my shirt and showed my ribs. The face of one person in particular is etched in my mind with the reaction given at seeing my ribs. It is the only thing I have to remind myself that though maybe I couldn't see how bad it had gotten, it really was that bad.
I tried to remember the feelings but I couldn't. I couldn't remember what being sick felt like and it really did start to glorify in my mind again. Since I couldn't remember the feelings, I forced myself to remember the facts. I may not remember what it felt like to wince in pain when my kids hugged me, but I know that I did. I may not remember how my body felt when it hurt to just lay down and sleep, but I know that it did. I thought about my mom-in-law smacking me with a newspaper and telling me I'd lost too much weight. I thought about the clumps of hair that were constantly falling out. I thought about the worried and sorrowful looks Hubby would give me when he thought I wasn't looking. I thought about the look on that persons face while I was in the hospital. I thought about the friend who stopped me one day to ask how she could help because she knew of my past struggle and could see the current struggle getting worse and worse.
I never did feel it, but I forced myself to remember it, even as just black and white facts. I never did FEEL why going back to sick was bad. I just had to trust that I knew it. And that right there friends, was when I realized that I can do this recovery stuff. I couldn't feel a single reason to pursue recovery or to at minimum to hold steady enough to not relapse and yet I knew those reasons.
The next post is the kindness that I needed in the moment I needed it, the panic attack at work in front of my entire team, the words of wisdom that bring me back to you only a little shaken but not completely shattered. But for tonight, I'm tired. It's good to be back. I've missed you guys!
I have to say this month has been one of the hardest and one of the most rewarding. I had to come to terms with the diet talk at work. Someone mentioned the person who had taught the class about "the diet" and I know her. And the "diet" isn't a diet at all, it is a healthy living lifestyle class not a "I'm fat and need to lose 20 pounds" fad diet. Here's where I had to realize my own insanity. This class is a really helpful and informative class. Much of what it entails I had already been doing in my own efforts to live healthy (before relapse) before I even took the class. The problem with it was in my own brain. I took those healthy living steps in that class and made them into hard. fast. rules. So though I was already mostly living them, suddenly they were RULES and I would rather not eat than break them. I am the one who went too far, not the program. It was my brain not the class that distorted it into what it became for me. For most people I would recommend it in a heartbeat, just not for me or anyone else prone to eating disorder struggles.
My first three weeks at work were filled with tears. I loved what I was doing, I loved the people when I saw them in their cubicles or in the hall or mail room just not when they were all gathered together. I cried more in front of people in those three weeks than I think I have in years. I just couldn't stop the tears from coming no matter how hard I tried. I was tired. I was lonely. I didn't know where I fit in this tight knit group of people who all already know each other and have a history together and know each others stories. I tried so hard to make conversation. I would add something to a conversation and get a polite head nod and then they were back in their own little lives and the conversation went on as though I had said nothing. They weren't trying to exclude me but I felt extremely excluded.
And then there was food. Ahhhh, my old bitter enemy. Rephrase, food isn't the enemy, how I feel about it is, how I interact with it is, how I use it to avoid my feelings is the real enemy. I wasn't eating breakfast and barely eating lunch. All I could think about was how I was going to cope in this very lonely place that I now work in four days a week. Restricting was just the easy go to. It felt wonderfully terrible. I cannot think of a time before that restricting made me feel so guilty while still delivering the physical euphoria that I longed for. I knew I wasn't taking care of myself but for the life of me I couldn't remember why I needed to move forward. All I could think about was that I don't think I was really that sick EVER. It couldn't have really been that bad or I would remember why I couldn't go back to it, right?
I have one vivid memory that is the only thing I can see in my mind as proof to myself that it was worse than I ever thought it was. When I was in the hospital a very overweight woman looked at me and said, "This is what self hatred looks like, eating a weeks worth of calories in a day." I pulled up my shirt and said, "It also looks like this, eating a days worth of calories in a week." Three people in the room gasped when I lifted my shirt and showed my ribs. The face of one person in particular is etched in my mind with the reaction given at seeing my ribs. It is the only thing I have to remind myself that though maybe I couldn't see how bad it had gotten, it really was that bad.
I tried to remember the feelings but I couldn't. I couldn't remember what being sick felt like and it really did start to glorify in my mind again. Since I couldn't remember the feelings, I forced myself to remember the facts. I may not remember what it felt like to wince in pain when my kids hugged me, but I know that I did. I may not remember how my body felt when it hurt to just lay down and sleep, but I know that it did. I thought about my mom-in-law smacking me with a newspaper and telling me I'd lost too much weight. I thought about the clumps of hair that were constantly falling out. I thought about the worried and sorrowful looks Hubby would give me when he thought I wasn't looking. I thought about the look on that persons face while I was in the hospital. I thought about the friend who stopped me one day to ask how she could help because she knew of my past struggle and could see the current struggle getting worse and worse.
I never did feel it, but I forced myself to remember it, even as just black and white facts. I never did FEEL why going back to sick was bad. I just had to trust that I knew it. And that right there friends, was when I realized that I can do this recovery stuff. I couldn't feel a single reason to pursue recovery or to at minimum to hold steady enough to not relapse and yet I knew those reasons.
The next post is the kindness that I needed in the moment I needed it, the panic attack at work in front of my entire team, the words of wisdom that bring me back to you only a little shaken but not completely shattered. But for tonight, I'm tired. It's good to be back. I've missed you guys!
Sunday, May 13, 2012
even though I walk through the valley
I'm up past bedtime but I can't seem to make myself go to bed. That should be fun tomorrow for work.
I woke up with part of Psalm 23 going through my head.
Those words have brought me comfort all day. I have been really depressed lately. I want nothing more than to hide under a blanket, curled up in a ball, and never come out. And it has been a bit scary, to be honest. I have a new job that I enjoy but I don't want to go to. I have things that have to be done and all I can think about is when I can be alone and have no responsibility.
I guess I would say I've been walking through the valley of the shadow of depression. But I was reminded that He is still with me, even in the valley. Today was a difficult day. Mother's Day usually is but today was weird on top of all of the emotions going on inside of me. I didn't feel like going to church, it meant having to pretend to be social and ok. I went anyway, my friend was coming to pick me and the kids up for church and I wanted to be there for her.
At church I was holding her two year old son and was asked by an older lady if I was grandma. Yes, I did say grandma. Seriously?????? I do not look that old! This year for Mother's Day the pastor gave the opportunity for people to say a quick word regarding a mom in their lives (their own mom, a mom important to them, their wife, etc). Person after person stood up and talked about the love and support that their moms gave them. And finally I started to cry. My mom has never been the one who I feel will support me no matter what. She has never been the mom who I can call when I've had a bad day. She wasn't even someone I could call earlier this year when I was so sick that I could barely move for two full weeks. Sometimes a girl just needs a mom, but when I need a mom, it isn't MY mom that I need.
Though I love that I get the privilege of celebrating with my own sweet children, Mother's Day is still a difficult day. It is a day of remembering the years of longing for a child and wondering if my arms would stay empty forever. It is a day of remembering that I have never had and likely never will have that soft, warm, accepting relationship with my own mother that I have so longed for. It is often a day of feeling inadequate.
This afternoon at the grocery store, I ran into an old acquaintance. I had worked with her husband many years ago and been "friends" with her by default through working with her husband and being friends with him. She informed me that she was leaving him. Then she told me that she hasn't told him yet and that he will take it hard. I didn't want to hear any of it. Sigh, happy mother's day to me.
I was constantly reminded today that even though I'm walking through a valley, He is with me and He brings me comfort. Today was a day that I needed comfort. It was no accident that it was Psalms that was echoing in my brain from the very moment I woke up. I want nothing more than to isolate and never speak to anyone again. I want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours on end. And somehow, someway, God is going to carry me through. Somehow, someway, He will bring me comfort in the midst of the valley.
***** there was an upside to my day, not to sound like it was a completely horrible, awful, terrible, no good, very bad day. My oldest son made me a necklace out of beads. He worked so hard on it and did a great job. My middle wrote me a book in which he told me that he loves me more than turtles (which if you have ever met this kid you would know that to say he LOVES turtles is a huge understatement) and that he loves me more than McDonald's. I'm pretty sure that a child cannot possibly love more than that! And my baby made me a card and a bookmark. I did enjoy my time with my little family, even in the midst of depression. I'm so blessed that out of all the women God could have given these sweet boys to, He chose me to be their mamma!*****
I woke up with part of Psalm 23 going through my head.
even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.
Those words have brought me comfort all day. I have been really depressed lately. I want nothing more than to hide under a blanket, curled up in a ball, and never come out. And it has been a bit scary, to be honest. I have a new job that I enjoy but I don't want to go to. I have things that have to be done and all I can think about is when I can be alone and have no responsibility.
I guess I would say I've been walking through the valley of the shadow of depression. But I was reminded that He is still with me, even in the valley. Today was a difficult day. Mother's Day usually is but today was weird on top of all of the emotions going on inside of me. I didn't feel like going to church, it meant having to pretend to be social and ok. I went anyway, my friend was coming to pick me and the kids up for church and I wanted to be there for her.
At church I was holding her two year old son and was asked by an older lady if I was grandma. Yes, I did say grandma. Seriously?????? I do not look that old! This year for Mother's Day the pastor gave the opportunity for people to say a quick word regarding a mom in their lives (their own mom, a mom important to them, their wife, etc). Person after person stood up and talked about the love and support that their moms gave them. And finally I started to cry. My mom has never been the one who I feel will support me no matter what. She has never been the mom who I can call when I've had a bad day. She wasn't even someone I could call earlier this year when I was so sick that I could barely move for two full weeks. Sometimes a girl just needs a mom, but when I need a mom, it isn't MY mom that I need.
Though I love that I get the privilege of celebrating with my own sweet children, Mother's Day is still a difficult day. It is a day of remembering the years of longing for a child and wondering if my arms would stay empty forever. It is a day of remembering that I have never had and likely never will have that soft, warm, accepting relationship with my own mother that I have so longed for. It is often a day of feeling inadequate.
This afternoon at the grocery store, I ran into an old acquaintance. I had worked with her husband many years ago and been "friends" with her by default through working with her husband and being friends with him. She informed me that she was leaving him. Then she told me that she hasn't told him yet and that he will take it hard. I didn't want to hear any of it. Sigh, happy mother's day to me.
I was constantly reminded today that even though I'm walking through a valley, He is with me and He brings me comfort. Today was a day that I needed comfort. It was no accident that it was Psalms that was echoing in my brain from the very moment I woke up. I want nothing more than to isolate and never speak to anyone again. I want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours on end. And somehow, someway, God is going to carry me through. Somehow, someway, He will bring me comfort in the midst of the valley.
***** there was an upside to my day, not to sound like it was a completely horrible, awful, terrible, no good, very bad day. My oldest son made me a necklace out of beads. He worked so hard on it and did a great job. My middle wrote me a book in which he told me that he loves me more than turtles (which if you have ever met this kid you would know that to say he LOVES turtles is a huge understatement) and that he loves me more than McDonald's. I'm pretty sure that a child cannot possibly love more than that! And my baby made me a card and a bookmark. I did enjoy my time with my little family, even in the midst of depression. I'm so blessed that out of all the women God could have given these sweet boys to, He chose me to be their mamma!*****
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
my thorn
This morning in the car I got to thinking about "Paul's thorn". If you aren't familiar with the thorn, here is the reference:
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me.
2 Corinthians 12:7-8
I often wonder what Paul's thorn was. What tormented his thoughts? Did he struggle with depression? With addiction? With caring for his body? What was it that he begged God to take away from him? We don't know, it remained between Paul and God. But the point is, the man who authored most of the New Testament STRUGGLED.
I was thinking today about my depression. I have asked God so many times to heal me from it. I want to feel what I know to be true. Quite frankly, I'm quite tired of having to go by what I know and not being able to feel it or enjoy it. There is more to life than this, right??????
As I pondered, I remembered the rest of the verse.
But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses,
so that Christ’s power may rest on me. (vs 9)
And there it is. His grace is enough for me. His grace gives me strength in the midst of depression. God may never take away this struggle. This may be my thorn for the rest of my life. But His grace still covers me. His power is made perfect in my depression. Maybe I would be a different person if God healed me. Maybe I would forget that I need Him every moment of every day just to make it through. Maybe I would try to rely on my own strength rather than His power. Maybe this thorn in my flesh is what keeps me coming back to the throne of grace and keeps me dependent on Christ alone.
Today I will rely on the power of Christ. I will accept His grace and I will boast that it is not my strength that will carry me through but rather the grace of God.
Monday, March 19, 2012
anxiety ridden
Feeling very anxious today. I'm struggling to get anything constructive done. I feel sad. I feel lonely. I don't feel like reaching out to stop the lonely though. My doctor keeps telling me that exercise helps when I feel the anxiety building. Let's just say my elliptical has seen lots of action today as has my computer. I think I'm ok and try to do something and then the anxiety is so overwhelming that I feel my chest tightening and my vision blurring. I hop back on my elliptical or log back in on Facebook until I can see straight again.
I had planned to go to the grocery store and the hardware store today. But I can't make myself leave my house. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to be seen. I was panicky last night at my in-laws house too. I had to step out during dinner for some fresh air because I started feeling claustrophobic and trapped and had a hard time breathing.
The mail has definitely not eased any of my anxiety. My statement of benefits came in from my insurance company. Thankfully I know what to expect before the medical bills come. Me being sick last month is going to cost us a hefty penny just in doctor bills from visits to test and labs to urgent care. That is without considering that I was unable to work for 2 weeks so I won't get a paycheck, the costs of multiple prescriptions, the eating take out food and the random little trips to the store that hubby made to get something to take care of me or the boys. I would say all in all this was between a $600-$700 sickness! Yeah, that is so not helping the panicky state of my mind today!
Not a fan of feeling like the floor will give out under me. Not a fan of blurred vision and tightness in my chest. Not a fan of feeling out of control. Not a fan of not being able to just suck it up and get my stuff done that I need to do. I really need a sense of normalcy. I really need to be able to function.
I had planned to go to the grocery store and the hardware store today. But I can't make myself leave my house. I don't want to deal with people. I don't want to be seen. I was panicky last night at my in-laws house too. I had to step out during dinner for some fresh air because I started feeling claustrophobic and trapped and had a hard time breathing.
The mail has definitely not eased any of my anxiety. My statement of benefits came in from my insurance company. Thankfully I know what to expect before the medical bills come. Me being sick last month is going to cost us a hefty penny just in doctor bills from visits to test and labs to urgent care. That is without considering that I was unable to work for 2 weeks so I won't get a paycheck, the costs of multiple prescriptions, the eating take out food and the random little trips to the store that hubby made to get something to take care of me or the boys. I would say all in all this was between a $600-$700 sickness! Yeah, that is so not helping the panicky state of my mind today!
Not a fan of feeling like the floor will give out under me. Not a fan of blurred vision and tightness in my chest. Not a fan of feeling out of control. Not a fan of not being able to just suck it up and get my stuff done that I need to do. I really need a sense of normalcy. I really need to be able to function.
Monday, December 19, 2011
lies I tell and other nonsense
so much on my mind. and yet I find myself inspired to write based on something else I read.
things I miss:
things I long for:
And yet I lie. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in months. I said I was doing great. I'm not. One asked how food was going, I told her fine. I ordered food, everyone was watching to see if I would. I even commented on how I couldn't wait for the food to get there. But that wasn't true, it was for the benefit of those around me. It worked, they were thrilled to hear me say that. One of them continued asking me if I was eating. I finally became a smart ass and smiled and said, "Well, I figure once every 4 days is pretty good progress." Another lie, but at least that one was funny, or at least the look on her face was.
I even lie to hubby. Tell him I'm doing fine. All the while hiding the fact that I'm far from fine. He caught me today. He saw the longing look I gave Jimmy John's last night when we drove past. He suggested it today since he knew I'd been wanting it. I told him Chipotle would be better. He's too observant. He wanted to know how long it had been since I'd had a sandwich. And then why. I cringed and told him in one word. "Bread." He took me out for sandwiches. I was still hungry when I stopped but I told him I was full. More than half of my sandwich went to waste. That seems like such a shame. I passed a sign today that talked about how many people in Colorado struggle with hunger. And I felt like the supreme jack ass for CHOOSING to struggle with hunger.
I want to hide. I want to not have to lie. I'm just so very tired. I'm even ready for December to be over when Hubby will notice even quicker when I'm not taking care of myself. Mostly, because I'm just ready to be taken care of and I know he will. I lie and yet wish for my husband to see through my lie. I guess maybe not all hope is lost after all, if I wish for someone to not buy my lie.
things I miss:
- a batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies
- comfort foods
- telling the love of my life what is really going on
things I long for:
- days with no alarm clock (thank God that my boys are nearly on winter break!)
- no responsibility at all
- finding joy in things that I know bring me joy but I don't feel right now
- to be able to eat ONE Christmas cookie this year and to not experience guilt with that cookie
And yet I lie. I saw some friends I hadn't seen in months. I said I was doing great. I'm not. One asked how food was going, I told her fine. I ordered food, everyone was watching to see if I would. I even commented on how I couldn't wait for the food to get there. But that wasn't true, it was for the benefit of those around me. It worked, they were thrilled to hear me say that. One of them continued asking me if I was eating. I finally became a smart ass and smiled and said, "Well, I figure once every 4 days is pretty good progress." Another lie, but at least that one was funny, or at least the look on her face was.
I even lie to hubby. Tell him I'm doing fine. All the while hiding the fact that I'm far from fine. He caught me today. He saw the longing look I gave Jimmy John's last night when we drove past. He suggested it today since he knew I'd been wanting it. I told him Chipotle would be better. He's too observant. He wanted to know how long it had been since I'd had a sandwich. And then why. I cringed and told him in one word. "Bread." He took me out for sandwiches. I was still hungry when I stopped but I told him I was full. More than half of my sandwich went to waste. That seems like such a shame. I passed a sign today that talked about how many people in Colorado struggle with hunger. And I felt like the supreme jack ass for CHOOSING to struggle with hunger.
I want to hide. I want to not have to lie. I'm just so very tired. I'm even ready for December to be over when Hubby will notice even quicker when I'm not taking care of myself. Mostly, because I'm just ready to be taken care of and I know he will. I lie and yet wish for my husband to see through my lie. I guess maybe not all hope is lost after all, if I wish for someone to not buy my lie.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
tired and isolated
I'm tired. Seems to be the constant song of my life. But this time it isn't exhaustion that wipes me out. This time it is emotional. I feel like I've been isolating. I want to be with my friends, but I don't want to go through the emotional (and physical) energy that it takes. I really love people and I really have good intentions. But I find myself not returning phone calls. I've been skittish about setting exact times to get together with people. What if the time I set up comes and I don't feel like getting together? Then I'd have to spend my day acting or think of a good excuse to not go. And quite frankly that sounds like too much energy. My kids want to have play dates and I've been trying to get one together for 2 months now but never end up emailing the mom back when she suggests a time.
I can get together with one friend. I know that I don't have to fake it. I know that if I'm feeling non social, we can just sit and its ok. My son adores her daughter too so that makes it easier as well. But aside from seeing her I find myself backing out of going places more often than not right now. Even talking on the phone seems like a chore. I have a friend who I try to catch up with on the phone weekly, or at least close to weekly. I love talking to her but right now I just don't know what to say so it feels kinda weird to talk on the phone. I'm glad she has a lot going on right now so we can chat about her. (sorry, Love. I hope you know I love you and this is all about me and being a dork not about not enjoying your company. You remain among my top favorite people even though I'm freakin insane right now!)
I don't want to expend the energy to go to the store and buy milk. I'm tired. I don't feel like leaving my house but I don't really enjoy being in my house either. I am sitting here blogging rather than making my kids lunches for tomorrow simply because I don't feel like doing it. I can tell my anti-depressant is helping. I don't feel hopeless. But I wish there were a drug that did more than ease depression but actually made it better. It may be out there but with the many I've tried, I have yet to find it!
I'm trying to see through the eyes of grace and be gentle with myself (Jenn, that is in honor of you while you are on vacation and not commenting regularly to be gentle with myself!) but it is hard. I just want to survive. And for someone who adores Christmas more than anything, it sucks to feel like I want to just. make. it. through. Christmas. Good night tired world, I'll be back soon. Hopefully with something better to say.
I can get together with one friend. I know that I don't have to fake it. I know that if I'm feeling non social, we can just sit and its ok. My son adores her daughter too so that makes it easier as well. But aside from seeing her I find myself backing out of going places more often than not right now. Even talking on the phone seems like a chore. I have a friend who I try to catch up with on the phone weekly, or at least close to weekly. I love talking to her but right now I just don't know what to say so it feels kinda weird to talk on the phone. I'm glad she has a lot going on right now so we can chat about her. (sorry, Love. I hope you know I love you and this is all about me and being a dork not about not enjoying your company. You remain among my top favorite people even though I'm freakin insane right now!)
I don't want to expend the energy to go to the store and buy milk. I'm tired. I don't feel like leaving my house but I don't really enjoy being in my house either. I am sitting here blogging rather than making my kids lunches for tomorrow simply because I don't feel like doing it. I can tell my anti-depressant is helping. I don't feel hopeless. But I wish there were a drug that did more than ease depression but actually made it better. It may be out there but with the many I've tried, I have yet to find it!
I'm trying to see through the eyes of grace and be gentle with myself (Jenn, that is in honor of you while you are on vacation and not commenting regularly to be gentle with myself!) but it is hard. I just want to survive. And for someone who adores Christmas more than anything, it sucks to feel like I want to just. make. it. through. Christmas. Good night tired world, I'll be back soon. Hopefully with something better to say.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
confused
I grew up in a home where anger was repressed and hurt didn't exist if you didn't acknowledge it. Now I'm an adult and you would think I would give myself permission to feel whatever the hell I want, but sadly no. I am so confused about how I feel.
On one hand I know God created every emotion within me. On the other hand I'm pretty sure that I think somewhere deep inside of me that my emotions are still not ok. I grew up on this.......
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Ephesians 4: 31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."
One will tell me that because of the last verse it is ok to be angry as long as you don't sin. Another will tell me that anger is a sin because of the verses that say to get rid of anger. And I'm confused. I hear my parents in my head telling me that my anger is a sin, that it is unjustified, that I'm just too sensitive. I hear in my head that I'm not allowed to feel.
But then I also know I need to feel in order to heal. And God created me and my emotions. He must have intended that I would feel those emotions if He created them in me. Right? So why does it feel like a betrayal to myself to feel angry?
The anger has been ebbing and flowing. I'm not sure how much of it is natural progression and how much of it is being uncomfortable with the intensity of my emotions and stuffing them down again. Anger scares me. It scares me when I see it in others and it TERRIFIES me in myself. How do I get angry and not sin? I've been brought up to believe that anger in and of itself is a sin. Where is the line between being angry and sinning? Is it wrong that I am starting to feel angry now?
Hubby tells me that there is a lot of anger that I suppress. When I tell him I'm frustrated, or even when I graduate to anger, he is never as surprised as I am. He can't believe it has taken me this long to get angry over some of the things that I realize I am angry over. He also says that of course the feelings are overwhelming; I've been denying them my entire life and now they want out!
What's a good girl to do with negative emotions? Why do they still feel so wrong to experience?
On one hand I know God created every emotion within me. On the other hand I'm pretty sure that I think somewhere deep inside of me that my emotions are still not ok. I grew up on this.......
James 1:19-20 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
Ephesians 4: 31-32 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
Ephesians 4:26-27 “In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold."
One will tell me that because of the last verse it is ok to be angry as long as you don't sin. Another will tell me that anger is a sin because of the verses that say to get rid of anger. And I'm confused. I hear my parents in my head telling me that my anger is a sin, that it is unjustified, that I'm just too sensitive. I hear in my head that I'm not allowed to feel.
But then I also know I need to feel in order to heal. And God created me and my emotions. He must have intended that I would feel those emotions if He created them in me. Right? So why does it feel like a betrayal to myself to feel angry?
The anger has been ebbing and flowing. I'm not sure how much of it is natural progression and how much of it is being uncomfortable with the intensity of my emotions and stuffing them down again. Anger scares me. It scares me when I see it in others and it TERRIFIES me in myself. How do I get angry and not sin? I've been brought up to believe that anger in and of itself is a sin. Where is the line between being angry and sinning? Is it wrong that I am starting to feel angry now?
Hubby tells me that there is a lot of anger that I suppress. When I tell him I'm frustrated, or even when I graduate to anger, he is never as surprised as I am. He can't believe it has taken me this long to get angry over some of the things that I realize I am angry over. He also says that of course the feelings are overwhelming; I've been denying them my entire life and now they want out!
What's a good girl to do with negative emotions? Why do they still feel so wrong to experience?
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
music for the soul
I love music. It speaks to me. It soothes me. It heals me. I have, however, stopped listening to it for the most part. Somewhere along the line I began to prefer the quiet. I think that for a while, music touched me too deeply. It made me so aware of the fact that I wasn't whole. Music would touch my soul but I was too hurt to dance so I quit playing the music. If there wasn't music, then my emptiness somehow felt less. Somehow I could pretend that my heart wasn't breaking if I could avoid music and its beautiful power. Every so often I would listen to a song or two. My morning alarm, a link sent by a friend and random things like that.
Last week we had our first snow here. I discovered last week while I was driving home from work that my car feels far too quiet inside while driving in the snow. The silence was actually distracting so I turned on the radio. It was pleasant and it was shallow, perfect. The snow melted the next day (as usually happens here in Colorado) as did my desire for "noise" in the car. Guess what? It snowed again tonight. My car was eerily quite and I turned on the radio. Talk, commercial, not really in the mood for that song and finally KLOVE.
The music was fine for a snowy drive and so far, still shallow. But right as I was nearly home a song came on that touched my soul. There was a strange ache to feel moved by music again. So tonight's YouTube playlist was
I had heard this song live on the radio before the single had even been released. I cried then. And I cried tonight. And I cried a little more. And I cried a little more. And I realize the reason I've been shutting out music, it makes me feel things I don't like feeling. It brings things to life in me, some of those things I prefer to keep buried. Tonight I will listen. Tonight I will feel. Tonight I will let music heal in the way that only it can.
Last week we had our first snow here. I discovered last week while I was driving home from work that my car feels far too quiet inside while driving in the snow. The silence was actually distracting so I turned on the radio. It was pleasant and it was shallow, perfect. The snow melted the next day (as usually happens here in Colorado) as did my desire for "noise" in the car. Guess what? It snowed again tonight. My car was eerily quite and I turned on the radio. Talk, commercial, not really in the mood for that song and finally KLOVE.
The music was fine for a snowy drive and so far, still shallow. But right as I was nearly home a song came on that touched my soul. There was a strange ache to feel moved by music again. So tonight's YouTube playlist was
- All of Me by Matt Hamitt
- Strong Enough by Matthew West
- Remind Me of Who I Am by Jason Gray
- Nothing is Wasted by Jason Gray
- Rest by Downhere
- You're Not Alone by Downhere
- Beautiful by Mercy Me
I had heard this song live on the radio before the single had even been released. I cried then. And I cried tonight. And I cried a little more. And I cried a little more. And I realize the reason I've been shutting out music, it makes me feel things I don't like feeling. It brings things to life in me, some of those things I prefer to keep buried. Tonight I will listen. Tonight I will feel. Tonight I will let music heal in the way that only it can.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
rambling to figure it out
I'm going to babble. It may be coherent, maybe not. I counted calories again this morning. Haven't allowed myself to do that in a very long time. I hate my body. I hate the curves that make my body desirable to men. I am very aware of my breasts today. Today I long for the body I had a year ago in which my breasts had nearly disappeared. I am painfully aware of my body in every aspect today. I have hips, thighs and breasts. I have a stomach that, in my opinion, is no longer flat. Maybe my definition of flat is concave.
I want my Hubby to not worry about me, therefore I want to fake it. I want to eat enough for him to not question or worry. I don't want to eat a thing. I slightly miss the hospital today. I could sleep and cry and not have to take care of anyone else. I didn't have to cook or think about food. Someone else was taking care of my needs and no one touched me or needed me.
I love the innocence of my children. And I feel resentful that I didn't have that. My children live in a world of safety. Simply being near me after a bad day still makes their world right again. I am so grateful that they are innocent, that they love life and that they want to be with me. When I was their age I was screaming into a pillow that I hated my mom. I wish I had the security of just being near someone making my troubles melt away.
I feel very lonely and isolated right now. I want to be loved and feel unlovable at the same time. I want to be held and yet don't want to be touched, even in the slightest way. I want to belong and yet feel like I will always be the window shopper watching through the glass as everyone else has a great time buying beautiful dresses.
The ache in my soul runs deep today. It feels like a fault line in my heart, it could be fine for centuries but then one day, out of the blue, it causes a devastating earthquake.
I want my Hubby to not worry about me, therefore I want to fake it. I want to eat enough for him to not question or worry. I don't want to eat a thing. I slightly miss the hospital today. I could sleep and cry and not have to take care of anyone else. I didn't have to cook or think about food. Someone else was taking care of my needs and no one touched me or needed me.
I love the innocence of my children. And I feel resentful that I didn't have that. My children live in a world of safety. Simply being near me after a bad day still makes their world right again. I am so grateful that they are innocent, that they love life and that they want to be with me. When I was their age I was screaming into a pillow that I hated my mom. I wish I had the security of just being near someone making my troubles melt away.
I feel very lonely and isolated right now. I want to be loved and feel unlovable at the same time. I want to be held and yet don't want to be touched, even in the slightest way. I want to belong and yet feel like I will always be the window shopper watching through the glass as everyone else has a great time buying beautiful dresses.
The ache in my soul runs deep today. It feels like a fault line in my heart, it could be fine for centuries but then one day, out of the blue, it causes a devastating earthquake.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Guess I'm not ok afterall
I thought I was ok. I wondered why people kept asking if I was doing ok because I felt ok. And then I drove to work today.
I have a fear. I'm afraid that someday I will be in a car accident and people will think it was suicide not an accident. It is a legitimate fear. Today on my way to work I was having fantasies about my car running off the road. Now let me clarify, I was not thinking I wanted to die or that my family would be better off without me. I wasn't thinking of it in a suicidal way but nonetheless I was daydreaming about being in an accident.
The difference between this time last year and today? Had I been on this stretch of road this time last year I likely would not be here to write today. Last year I was actively looking for a place with no traffic to intentionally run my car off the road. Today I was just daydreaming about what it would be like if my car happened to run off the road. I'm just aware though that the step from one to the other is a small one.
I thought I was ok. Tonight the depression seems nearly suffocating though. How did I go from thinking I was ok yesterday to barely maintaining today? How did I go from thinking I was ok to fantasizing about car accidents overnight? I thought I was ok; turns out I was wrong.
I have a fear. I'm afraid that someday I will be in a car accident and people will think it was suicide not an accident. It is a legitimate fear. Today on my way to work I was having fantasies about my car running off the road. Now let me clarify, I was not thinking I wanted to die or that my family would be better off without me. I wasn't thinking of it in a suicidal way but nonetheless I was daydreaming about being in an accident.
The difference between this time last year and today? Had I been on this stretch of road this time last year I likely would not be here to write today. Last year I was actively looking for a place with no traffic to intentionally run my car off the road. Today I was just daydreaming about what it would be like if my car happened to run off the road. I'm just aware though that the step from one to the other is a small one.
I thought I was ok. Tonight the depression seems nearly suffocating though. How did I go from thinking I was ok yesterday to barely maintaining today? How did I go from thinking I was ok to fantasizing about car accidents overnight? I thought I was ok; turns out I was wrong.
Monday, September 12, 2011
I think I'm ok?
My doctor doubled my medicine dosage. I am tired ALL the time. I go to sleep at 9:30 at night and still take 2 hour naps during the day. I feel like I can barely function. But I don't really feel depressed. At least I don't think I do.
I have had many people ask if I'm doing ok. Apparently I have been more quiet than usual and it is being interpreted as depression. I think I'm ok, I just don't know what to say so I haven't been talking. This seems to be a big red flag, especially to my hubby.
Tonight I'm drinking. I wanted a glass of wine so I bought a bottle today. The opening is too small for my stopper so I'm still drinking. I don't really care either. Maybe I'm not ok after all. I mean, I'm more quiet than normal and I'm drinking more than usual as well. But what is not ok? I just feel like secluding. Does that mean I'm not ok?
Lots on my mind tonight. Sorry I've been too tired to blog lately. And now I'm going back to MNF and watching my Broncos. Hopefully I'll be back more often. Hopefully I'll have some idea of what to say. Hopefully this too shall pass.
I have had many people ask if I'm doing ok. Apparently I have been more quiet than usual and it is being interpreted as depression. I think I'm ok, I just don't know what to say so I haven't been talking. This seems to be a big red flag, especially to my hubby.
Tonight I'm drinking. I wanted a glass of wine so I bought a bottle today. The opening is too small for my stopper so I'm still drinking. I don't really care either. Maybe I'm not ok after all. I mean, I'm more quiet than normal and I'm drinking more than usual as well. But what is not ok? I just feel like secluding. Does that mean I'm not ok?
Lots on my mind tonight. Sorry I've been too tired to blog lately. And now I'm going back to MNF and watching my Broncos. Hopefully I'll be back more often. Hopefully I'll have some idea of what to say. Hopefully this too shall pass.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
I exist
I do something ridiculous. I walk sideways down the stairs at work when I wear heels. When I walk sideways or even on my toes, my shoes can be kept from making that way-too-loud-for-such-a-quiet-space sound. But what I realize even more is that the sound means I exist. Even when I walk I am trying to exist as little as possible.
I want to live an adventure but I don't want to exist. Doesn't make sense? Yeah, I know, too much about living with an eating disorder doesn't make sense.
I am doing ok. Not spectacular but not bottoming out either. And yet I still cringe at the mere fact that I exist. My body existing in numbers pisses me off. The fact that I need a body pisses me off. I want to live but I hate existing. I hate that my shoes make noise on the stairs, it is just more proof that I cannot disappear, that I take up space. I want to fade into the background somewhere and not be noticable.
How can I feel good about life and yet terrible about living in the same sentence? How can I be content with my life and hate that my body takes up space at the same moment? How can I feel loved and lonely simultaneously?
I want to live an adventure but I don't want to exist. Doesn't make sense? Yeah, I know, too much about living with an eating disorder doesn't make sense.
I am doing ok. Not spectacular but not bottoming out either. And yet I still cringe at the mere fact that I exist. My body existing in numbers pisses me off. The fact that I need a body pisses me off. I want to live but I hate existing. I hate that my shoes make noise on the stairs, it is just more proof that I cannot disappear, that I take up space. I want to fade into the background somewhere and not be noticable.
How can I feel good about life and yet terrible about living in the same sentence? How can I be content with my life and hate that my body takes up space at the same moment? How can I feel loved and lonely simultaneously?
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