I'm going to babble. It may be coherent, maybe not. I counted calories again this morning. Haven't allowed myself to do that in a very long time. I hate my body. I hate the curves that make my body desirable to men. I am very aware of my breasts today. Today I long for the body I had a year ago in which my breasts had nearly disappeared. I am painfully aware of my body in every aspect today. I have hips, thighs and breasts. I have a stomach that, in my opinion, is no longer flat. Maybe my definition of flat is concave.
I want my Hubby to not worry about me, therefore I want to fake it. I want to eat enough for him to not question or worry. I don't want to eat a thing. I slightly miss the hospital today. I could sleep and cry and not have to take care of anyone else. I didn't have to cook or think about food. Someone else was taking care of my needs and no one touched me or needed me.
I love the innocence of my children. And I feel resentful that I didn't have that. My children live in a world of safety. Simply being near me after a bad day still makes their world right again. I am so grateful that they are innocent, that they love life and that they want to be with me. When I was their age I was screaming into a pillow that I hated my mom. I wish I had the security of just being near someone making my troubles melt away.
I feel very lonely and isolated right now. I want to be loved and feel unlovable at the same time. I want to be held and yet don't want to be touched, even in the slightest way. I want to belong and yet feel like I will always be the window shopper watching through the glass as everyone else has a great time buying beautiful dresses.
The ache in my soul runs deep today. It feels like a fault line in my heart, it could be fine for centuries but then one day, out of the blue, it causes a devastating earthquake.