child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Saturday, October 15, 2011

rambling to figure it out

I'm going to babble.  It may be coherent, maybe not.  I counted calories again this morning.  Haven't allowed myself to do that in a very long time.  I hate my body.  I hate the curves that make my body desirable to men.  I am very aware of my breasts today.  Today I long for the body I had a year ago in which my breasts had nearly disappeared.  I am painfully aware of my body in every aspect today.  I have hips, thighs and breasts.  I have a stomach that, in my opinion, is no longer flat.  Maybe my definition of flat is concave.

I want my Hubby to not worry about me, therefore I want to fake it.  I want to eat enough for him to not question or worry.  I don't want to eat a thing.  I slightly miss the hospital today.  I could sleep and cry and not have to take care of anyone else.  I didn't have to cook or think about food.  Someone else was taking care of my needs and no one touched me or needed me. 

I love the innocence of my children.  And I feel resentful that I didn't have that.  My children live in a world of safety.  Simply being near me after a bad day still makes their world right again.  I am so grateful that they are innocent, that they love life and that they want to be with me.  When I was their age I was screaming into a pillow that I hated my mom.  I wish I had the security of just being near someone making my troubles melt away. 

I feel very lonely and isolated right now.  I want to be loved and feel unlovable at the same time.  I want to be held and yet don't want to be touched, even in the slightest way.  I want to belong and yet feel like I will always be the window shopper watching through the glass as everyone else has a great time buying beautiful dresses.

The ache in my soul runs deep today.  It feels like a fault line in my heart, it could be fine for centuries but then one day, out of the blue, it causes a devastating earthquake.

1 comment:

  1. I know you feel tired of fighting right now. But let people (and God) carry you until you can stand again. I know there is hurt and pain that is overwhelming you, but please don't let it wrap itself around you. Keep fighting in any way that you can because even the little things you do can help. Have you been able to talk to anyone about the things that have been going on? You've been in my prayers and will continue to be. You ARE strong. Just look at everything you've been through and fought though. This hurt won't last forever. I know it seems like it will right now... but it won't. I promise. Be gentle with yourself ; )