child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Thursday, July 28, 2011

anyone know this blog I'm talking about?

Ok, first of all, I'm doing much better than my earlier post.  Even just saying the words, putting them on paper (well, the computer, but close enough!) eased some of their control over me.  The world isn't perfect with me but the darkness of the orange colored glasses is less than it was several hours ago.

On a rather random note, I read a blog recently that I am trying to re-find.  I clicked it from someone else's blog so hopefully someone out there knows which one it is.  It was a girl who like to make healthy foods, she was a fairly new blogger, one of the recipes was a cookie that had quinoa in it, and her hubby got tired of her whole graininess sometimes.  Does that ring a bell to anyone????? I am thinking she may be on WordPress instead of Blogger because I'm sure I would have followed her if she had been on Blogger.  Anyone know who I'm talking about and who's page I found her from?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Anyone?

orange rant

I am sorry for this, but I simply have to give in to a huge orange rant.  Sorry in advance for the bitching and moaning but if I don't get this out of my head and into the open, it will stay in my head and destroy me.

So I went to the doctor today for my physical.  Um, the scale read 1/2 lb less than last time but the new nurse rounds up instead of down so the chart says it is the same.  How in the heck have I had diarrhea for the last week (sorry for tmi) and barely eaten anything the past couple of days and the scale says the same freakin thing it did last time I went in???????  And why in the world would ANYONE round the numbers UP when weighing someone?????  My doctor didn't actually bring up food this time around.  She asked if I wanted to talk about anything else and like a good little liar, I told her no that I'm fine.  She brought up doing a bone density scan but I just had one last August that was ok so we didn't do it today.  I don't think insurance would pay for 2 in one year anyway.  

And then there was the stupid metabolic testing and fitness testing.  The guy typed in my height at an inch below what I actually am.  I mentally completely freaked out!!!!!!!!!  Seriously, that inch means a different way my body metabolizes, a different set of weight guidelines, and who knows what else.  For my body, that inch shorter at the same weight looks so much fatter in my mind.  I know, crazy, right?  That paper inch may not change how I look but it changes how I felt about myself.  I informed him, he remeasured me and corrected it.  Whew!  I did well at the squats, pushups and crunches.  That wasn't a big deal.  But then the waist to hip ratio? Oh yeah, I nearly cried.  Thankfully he wasn't dumb enough to tell me the numbers he measured.  But I had to have a measuring tape around my stomach, and it was a man measuring/touching me.  He wasn't weird or inappropriate, its just that a guy was touching me and measuring me.  I don't want to be measured.  I don't want to know that my body exists in numbers.  And I don't want a member of the opposite sex knowing those numbers.  Oh and my body fat percentage was not at all happy news to me.  Much higher than I like.   

I absolutely hate what I see in the mirror right now.  The closing my eyes in the shower trick hasn't kept working.  I am desperately trying to remember what it was I felt/knew last week when I discovered it.

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

bye bye playlist

The playlist is now gone.  I don't know why or how they added an advertisement for a diet product to my playlist.  I even deleted all the old songs and put in new ones hoping to fix it.  You don't need that garbage and God knows I sure don't need it.  Until playlist gets it fixed where it is just the music I want and nothing more, there will be no more of it on my blog!


today the desire to stay sick is stronger than the desire to get healthy

Monday, July 25, 2011

what you said and what she heard

what you said: You look great!  (with a gesture towards her body)
what she heard:  Oh my gosh!  I have gained a million pounds and they think I look chunky now!

what you said: WOW, have you been working out lately?
what she heard: Nice job on the weight loss, keep starving!  It's paying.

what you said: I wish I could be tiny like you!
what she heard:  You better not gain weight or no one will want to be like you anymore.  No one likes a fat girl.

what you said: I need to drop a few of these pounds!  My hips are huge!
what she heard: You need to drop a few more pounds!  Your hips are huge!

what you said:  I finally dropped my baby weight plus some!
what she heard: You could stand to shed a few pounds yourself.

what you said:  I don't eat _______ kind of food, it makes me bloated/gain weight/against my diet
what she heard:  You shouldn't eat.

what you said:  have you lost weight again?
what she heard:  I don't think that you have really have lost weight?  You still look bigger to me.

what you said:  Aren't you going to eat?
what she heard:  I can't believe I have to deal with your garbage AGAIN. Can't you just get over yourself and quit making me uncomfortable around you?

It doesn't make sense.  It isn't rational.  That is the disorder of it. Your intentions are good, she is just hearing you through orange colored hearing aids.  The disorder takes priority over all else.  If you could rationalize it, she wouldn't have a problem and you wouldn't need to rationalize it. 

Small things trigger her, and you don't even mean to.  Things like new health food kicks, how long you spent at the gym, how much weight you have lost by running, your disgust/unappreciation of your own body, or saying your actual weight or your desired weight.  To you it is random conversation, to her, it is an obsession of body image.  She won't hear what you really say and that is not your fault, it is the disorders fault.

This wasn't a post to scare you away from talking to someone with an eating disorder.  It was a post to help you understand a little bit of what goes on inside her brain while you are talking to her.  Keep talking, she needs to know she is worth knowing.

Orange won, or did she?

At the end of a hot day, nothing sounded better tonight than an ice cold beer with dinner. Orange said no.  Orange won that round for sure, I didn't even argue with her. "You have a physical in 3 days and you are NOT going in there with extra pounds because you wanted a beer!  There will be no beer belly's on Thursday and I don't care what we have to do to make sure of it!" It's not good for me anyway.

I'm not going to lie, there have been quite a few orange thoughts today.  BUT in the area of not giving in to orange, while walking in the store tonight I spotted a display of Pringles near the registers.  I bought a can and who on earth am I because I actually ate some too!

Kinda feels like tug-o-war.  Buy the chips.  Eat the chips, they sound good.  But for the love of all that is holy, don't even think about the beer.  And heaven help me, don't you dare eat a cookie for dessert.  Are you missing the point of having to be weighed in 3 days??????  So orange didn't let me have a beer or a cookie but I told her off and had a couple of chips.  That is progress, right?  I seriously don't remember the last time I ate Pringles.  AND they were good too.  Is that how normal people feel about food?  "Hmmmm, that looks good, I think I'll eat it."  It was such a foreign feeling to me.

I'd be lying if I said that I have no desire to restrict at all.  I hate having to go to the doctor.  The anxiety is ridiculous.  I'm not anxious that something is wrong.  I'm anxious that I have to hear the "how are you doing with your relationship with food?" conversation.  It seems that if I say I am sucking at dealing with food, that I'd be lying but if I say that I am enjoying food and doing well, I'd also be lying.  Being at an ok, kinda-stable-but-not-the-best place makes me want to avoid my doctor.  Ahhhh, the irrationality of orange.  I want to be either sick or better, not somewhere in between when I talk to my doctor.  Sick is easier to obtain, and as a result, sick thoughts have been having their way with my brain.

Now thankfully, I don't always have to give in to the sick thoughts.  I can choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and usually I do.  I'm just tired of the thoughts being disordered.  I'm tired of doing the next right thing. I'm still doing what I should, I just am ready for the day when it is more than a should but also a want.  Like that glimpse I had tonight, I feel like chips, I'm going to have them.  I want a bunch more glimpses of that kind of freedom and for food to be a want not just a need/should.  I want the mental struggle to be over.  And I really want my physical to just be over too!  My anxiety levels will go down so much when it is!

Friday, July 22, 2011

good things about recovery

I've been talking with a friend lately about the good things about recovery.  I can read again and actually process what I am reading.  I can play with my kids again (though I am tired of having wrestling Royal Rumbles every day.  Couldn't they like Lego's or something??????).  I can shower without feeling guilty about taking time for me.

I still am discovering who I am though.  I just read a really great post letting go of the ed identity.  I so get this.  I am starting to enjoy life again, but sometimes that old panic creeps up.  What if I completely let go.  Who would I be?  I mean, if I eat that bite of chocolate and don't feel guilty, what will I feel?  If I don't use starving to make me numb, what would I actually feel?  Can I handle it?  Do I know how to live without orange in my ear whispering how she can make it all better?  Who would I be if I were completely free?  Would I be worth my own time?


The other day, mostly out of tired laziness, I realized something kinda cool.  When I was showering, I just never opened my eyes again after rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.  For some unknown reason, I lathered up with my eyes closed.  Here is what I discovered, it wasn't as scary with my eyes closed.  I know, that sounds weird but hear me out.

The way my body felt under my hands was much different than it appeared in the mirror.  Once again a case of the mirror lying.  The problem is that the mirror was lying more than I realized.  Without being able to see every mark, touching my own body was a completely different experience than anything I have ever known in the past. Without looking at myself and picking apart every flaw, I realized that my body is not that of a whale.  With only my hands, no eyes, I "saw" something completely different in myself that I have never seen.

Wondering if it was just a crazy fluke, I intentionally closed my eyes the next day when I showered.  It wasn't a fluke.  For the first time EVER I was able to appreciate things about my body that when I look with my eyes, I just cannot see.  I still don't see in the mirror what I felt.  The mirror is still lying.  But somewhere I deep inside, this time I am able to identify that it is lying.  Something deep inside of me is remembering a feeling instead of a vision. 


I love my new job.  After only 3 weeks, I am going to go solo next week.  I'm good with it, a little nervous, but good.  My friend will pack up after I arrive and go home to her adorable 10 month old son and just be mommy and I will close up shop on my own.  My friend and the managers are all surprised that I feel comfortable with it so quickly.  No one expected me to be on my own until after the rush for fall semester was over.  I am able.  I can do it.  This is just one more area that recovery kind of feels good.

Tomorrow I get to meet with my team of ladies that I will be leading for this upcoming MOPS year.  I am excited!  And for the first time in so many ages, I feel like I have something to contribute.  For the first time in far too long, I feel nearly completely confident that I can do a job that I have committed to.  It does feel good to feel like an asset instead of a liability for a change.


At some point over the last year, I have made actual forward steps in my recovery.  Last fall I was often reminding myself that 2 steps forward 1 step back is still 1 step ahead of where I started.  But as I am reading over this post, I realize that somewhere along the line the forward steps became more clear.  I know I am not "there" (wherever the heck "there" is) but I am further on my journey than I was a year ago and for that I am thankful. 

Sunday, July 17, 2011

things that make me smile :)

  • date night with hubby to see the final Harry Potter movie
  • Miche purses, I think I may be addicted!
  • an iced venti non fat 7 pump vanilla latte to start my morning
  • sleeping till 9 because the kids spent the night with grandma
  • my hubby having been on vacation this past week
  • celebrating hubby's birthday on Wed and actually for the first time in years he was surprised by his gift
  • looking at the hard work I've done to make hubby a Yankee wall to hang all of his memorabilia.  I'll post pics when I'm done with the wall, but so far it looks awesome!
  • hubby renting Lego Pirates of the Caribbean again on his birthday.  That game is ridiculously fun and I wish we owned it instead of renting it.
  • margarita grilled chicken from Chili's
  • any time spent talking to or texting my favorite southern belle.  Girl, you make me happy every time I think about you!
  • after 13 years, finally being smart enough to Google the translation of the postcard I had made for hubby (then fiancee) in France.  It's a picture of me kissing a gorilla and the words say, "you have beautiful eyes, you know."
  • having my kids back home in their own beds after a night away
  • Sonic happy hour = large ice tea with lemon.  mmmmmmm, thank you hubby for that.
  • an email from an old friend just checking in
  • puzzles
  • my new job and getting to see adults again and that they will do complete tuition reimbursement if I choose to pursue a degree
  • that after over 12 years of marriage, hubby still does silly things like use my pants for a hand towel.  He thinks it is funny to see wet hand prints on my butt :)

things that annoy me

  • teenage girls running through Target, yelling across the store at each other, pushing each other in the cart, yelling some more, laughing louder than anyone should physically be able to laugh and then thinking they are cool for shouting spells from Harry Potter.  Have I ever mentioned how glad I am to no longer be a teenager?
  • though I am pro-life and not ashamed of that stance, I find it unacceptable to see 5 ft tall signs with pictures of aborted babies on the corner of  very busy intersection where my kids and other kids could see.  Thankfully that trip the kids weren't in the car and were not exposed to the gruesome pictures that I was exposed to.
  • people texting during movies.  Seriously?  Why would you pay the money to see a movie on opening day only to spend 1/4 of the movie checking your phone and responding to the messager?  And seriously, who would want to pay attention to their phone with Harry Potter 7.2 playing????
  • my neighbor kids who were wondering if we had any fireworks to sell at our garage sale.  Uh, no, they are illegal here!  And then that they found some from somewhere and have been setting them off for the past 2 days.
  • the customer service at McDonald's.  I had to return a Redbox rental anyway so I was ordering something for hubby.  I looked up at the menu and asked a question.  No response.  I asked again.  Then he says, "Yo, what do you want already?"  Taken aback that he spoke to me like that I looked at him to see it was not me he was talking to but rather he had answered his cell phone WHILE I WAS ORDERING!  I informed him that he was rude and I was taking my business elsewhere.  Hubby got Arby's instead.
  • Children on my street who have no regard for cars and dash in front of your car as you are backing out or driving down the street.  One was almost hit last month.  The child yelled at the car who had to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting the child who appeared from nowhere in front of his car.  (Is it really bad that hubby and I privately call the 2 little girls who are the absolute worst about street safety, the suicide twins?)
  • busting our backsides to have a garage sale that only brought in $40.  Um, can you say Goodwill pickup?
  • the friend of my kids who we see regularly who brings out the worst in my middle child and I spend a good portion of my day breaking up fights
  • when my kids play Lego Pirates on my progress and buy characters instead of letting me save up my studs to buy the big things that will actually help in the game.  (I'm not a video game junkie, just Lego Pirates and Lego Harry Potter!)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Sunday hurt

Today is hubby's first day of vacation so if you don't see me for a few days, don't panic.  I had a crazy weekend.  Yesterday was one of the roughest days I've had in a really long time.  I woke up completely, psychotically depressed.  I found myself walking through the mall trying to escape being me. 

I told my hubby that I wished I could be someone else for a day, someone who could be a complete f*ck up and not care.  I wanted to get completely wasted.  I wanted to max out a credit card on stupid purchases, like short skirts and high heels.  (Credit card balances remained in tact, once again keeping the credit cards at home instead of in my wallet paid off!)

I wanted to not care about anything.  I wanted to not care if I was appropriate.  I wanted to not care if I ate.  I wanted to not care if I were to smoke and drink.  I wanted to not care about having a family to take care of. Wow, in black and white that sounds horrible!  I guess I should clarify, first of all, I love my family and don't take for granted how wonderful they are.  I wouldn't trade my life with them for any life without them.  And yet, yesterday, I think I would have gone on an insane freak out of unhealthy measures if the ramifications would have not reached far enough to touch my family.

I felt horrible when my hubby came home from work, excited to be officially on vacation finally, and I wasn't nearly as excited as he was.  Somewhere deep inside of me, I could feel the desire to want to be excited, but the closest emotion was apathy.  I just didn't care.  Again a small twinge of a feeling deep inside came up, his feelings were hurt and I really wanted to feel badly that I had hurt his feelings.  But I couldn't summon the energy to feel those feelings that were seemingly so far away.

The day did get better and an hour long conversation with my favorite southern belle ended the night on a much better note.  I don't know what got into me.  I felt like behaving like the 17 year old me would have.  It was crazy and a little scary in retrospect.

Today has been much better.  I feel mostly back to me again.  And my hubby just finished watching the home run derby and is waiting for my attentions.  So have a great night friends and I'll be around probably after his vacation is over :)

Saturday, July 9, 2011

happy, sad, crazy, loved, hopeful, despairing......

Today I spent a great day with an old friend (who I was thrilled to see looking like a woman again rather than a skeleton).  We've been together since high school and been through lots of crazy stuff together.  It was fun to spend the entire morning with her.

I came home to my box from my Miche party in the living room.  I'm not even close to patient when it comes to new toys in my house so I tore the box open and pulled out my new purses.  Soooooo cute!  I love being the hostess and getting the free/discounted stuff.

My kids are in the mountains enjoying their first ever fishing trip with Grandma and Grandpa.  My house was quiet.  Hubby took me on a date.  We had a gift card for our favorite bbq restaurant.  Time with my favorite person in the world always makes for a nice evening!

So why am I so sad?  I have had a fabulous day.  I even enjoyed my day as it was happening, not just in thinking back on it. I have no real reason for feeling like curling up in a ball and sobbing uncontrollably.  How is it possible to be completely content and in love with my life and completely broken and consumed all in the same breath?  How can I enjoy life and be dissatisfied with it at the same moment?  Have I finally completely lost my mind?  This makes no sense to my brain.

Friday, July 8, 2011

blessing in disguise

Today was another of the long, no accountability, could easily not eat and no one would know, days at work.  I didn't plan on eating even though I had brought something small to eat.  When I got to work the gal I work with asked if I had brought my paperwork because the manager had asked her to FedEx it to him today.  CRAP, I left it setting on the dishwasher in my rush to get out the door on time!  No problem, I'll call hubby and have him bring it out to me.  Plus then I get to see my family for a few minutes and introduce my kids to my friend (she has only met my oldest and he was a baby then).

Well, when I called hubby, he was just getting ready to lay down for a nap.  He said he would bring it later in the afternoon.  I get barely any cell reception in the store but for some reason suddenly I was able to get a text.  It was Amy telling me that she was eating lunch because I had texted her this morning and that turned her day around.  (By the way, great job, Lady!  I am so proud of you!)  I was starting to feel a little guilty that I had told her to take care of herself but didn't really want to return the favor to myself.  She listened to me, and I was worried about listening to me.  I felt like a total hypocrite.

Well time kept passing and wouldn't you know it, hubby and the kids didn't arrive till 4:30.  Middle kiddo asks, "Mommy, do you get breaks when you work here?"  Yep, I sure do.  Would you like me to take my break now while you guys are here?  YES! Well, I happen to work right next door to Tokyo Joe's.  My hubby told me, "I know we can't do this every time, but do you want Tokyo's tonight?  I'm buying."  So I ate after all.  I forgot my signed employee conduct agreement and tax forms at home and in forgetting, I remembered something much more important, to take care of me tonight.

I'm going to get this.  I know I will.  And from here on out my days are 4-8:30 instead of 12-8:30 so that will help.  Going in at 12 is hard.  I can't eat lunch by 11 to leave at 11:30 so I skip lunch.  If I skip a meal at work also then I've essentially missed dinner too.  I loved seeing my boys tonight.  It reminded me of why I want to get better, of why I need to keep fighting, of all of the good things in my life.  Today my forgetfulness was a blessing in disguise and a much needed dose of perspective.

On a slightly different note I received the perfect answer to my orange comment today. 
Starbucks is either going to make me fat or kill me.  I don't know which is worse.
To which the response was, "I'd rather have you fat than dead."
Thanks for that, not only did it help me to identify the stinkin thinkin, it also made me laugh.  It is true that laughter is the best medicine!

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

new job

Today was my first day at my new job.  It went amazingly perfect.  For accountability, I have to say that if I am not careful, this job could easily enable my e.d.  Today I took a break but spent it talking to my co-worker/friend instead of eating my lunch.  It was easy to do.  It would be easy to continue.  For those of you who just worried about me from that comment, my hubby had made dinner for him and the kids tonight and he made me a plate as well.  When I got home he even heated it up for me.  He's wonderful and I felt taken care of.

I really enjoy the job.  It was pretty easy to pick up on what I needed to do.  It seemed like everything came back to me intuitively and I was much more at ease than I thought I would be.  And I remembered all over again why I love working with that girl.  She is amazing.

I just need to be mindful of the fact that it could be very easy to "forget" to eat.  I need to make sure that I remain intentional about recovery even at work (maybe especially at work would be a better statement).  Sometimes recovery sucks.  Sometimes being mindful of snares sucks.  Sometimes being intentional to pursue healing not disease sucks.  Sometimes wanting it bad enough to write about it so that you have accountability sucks worst of all!

4th of July

It has been a long day full of emotional highs and lows.  I decided to have some wine tonight.  Half a glass has now turned into more than half a bottle.  I'm a little off, I can feel the alcohol. That said, have mercy on me if I ramble or have tons of typos, I've had a bit to drink tonight. So tonight I am faced with a choice.  As I said, there have been lots of emotional swings today.  So I am going to spend the last part of my evening thinking about my favorite part of today instead of the lows and loneliness that have periodically plagued my day. 

FiReWoRkS! We lucked out in that the fireworks for our city are in the park directly across the street from my house.  We sit in our driveway every year to watch them every year.  The past years have been rainy and we watched them from my in-laws front window.  This year was hot and perfect for 4th of July.  My sister-in-law and her husband and my two sweet nieces joined us for the first time this year.  My boys were so excited to have their cousins over for fireworks.  The fireworks were lovely this year but even better were the faces of 5 little ones ages 2-8.  Their faces lit up.  I have a picture of my middle one during the grand finale that I wish I could download for you to see.  He had the biggest smile I have ever seen on him.  And the girls.  Oh my goodness, I could have just scooped them up and covered them in kisses for how adorable they were!  It was an honor to be able to share in their very first of many fireworks experiences.  It may have been a day with lots of loneliness and struggles but it was also a day of loving that I married into an amazing family. 

My hubby told me he loves me tonight before bed (as he always does).  I asked why.  He said he loves my heart and that I am a great mom and that I am a great wife.  I think he may be love blind but that is ok, I'll take it!  I'm still a bit lonely but I am going to focus on love not on lonely tonight. 

Btw, wine makes me smile in a goofy way.

Monday, July 4, 2011

still fighting part 2

Thank you ladies for your kind words and encouragement on yesterday's post.  I know it gets easier.  I read once that it takes 7 years to be considered "recovered" from an eating disorder.  I had my 7 healthy years and now I battle again and it sucks!  My first recovery was gradual, to the point that I cannot honestly say what or when the turning point was.  I think I got so used to making the right choice that one day I realized I hadn't thought about making the right choice in a while.  Those were good years.

I must also give some credit to my kids.  Unlike many with eating disorders, I was thrilled with the prospect of pregnancy.  Nearly 2 years of trying, one of those years being spent regularly in a fertility clinic, when finally the test came back positive.  I was so relieved and thrilled that I was finally going to be a mom, the only thing I had always known that I wanted to be, that it was easy to take care of me for the baby growing inside of me.  And there is a distinct beauty about a pregnant woman.  You don't see fat, you see life (at least I do).  Anorexia stayed at bay for a long time.

When I was pregnant with my 3rd I dealt with severe depression.  My husband had just started working overnights, had been diagnosed with a medical condition and I found out I was pregnant all within 2 months time.  I thought my depression was purely hormonal but in looking back through my journal from that time, I realize that hormones made the emotions worse but surely didn't cause them.  Before my doctor put me on anti-depressants, I had to remind myself that my baby would suffer if I stopped eating.  I was so stressed and lonely and depressed that the struggle came to the front of my mind again, after 7 years of being healthy. 

I got through the pregnancy and infant days.  Two summers ago we had an emergency room trip every month, one of which ended with emergency surgery and hubby off work for 2 weeks to recover.  The stress was insane.  The money was so tight that I felt like I could barely breathe.  I felt guilty eating enough to get good and full.  I felt like I was taking food from my kids if I ate.  Someone heard me say that and grocery gift cards came pouring in.  I ate but it was starting to cross my mind again, a lot. 

Last year I started to struggle again, but this time for real.  I started having nightmares again.  I haven't had them as badly as I used to in a long time.  The nightmares were often and once again my husband was waking me up as I cried and thrashed so that he could hold me and comfort me.  I tried to get back on track.  It was really hard.  I made it back up to 2 meals a day and then WHAM relapse hit me like never before.

Last summer I was drinking a Starbucks when suddenly I remembered someone telling me how many calories were in my drink.  I completely freaked out and restricted like I never have before.  I started examining every calorie.  I told my husband he was trying to kill me when he accidentally brought home 2% milk.  I went insane.  I quit drinking coffee because the cream or milk were still too many calories for my disordered brain.  I love coffee so this kinda scared my hubby. 

Long story short, I was healthy.  I used to know how to take care of myself.  I relapsed HUGE after the time that I should have been considered "cured".  And it is daily a struggle to remember how to take care of myself again.  I wonder if I can hit bottom so hard after 7 years of "sobriety", will the fight ever really be over?  Like for instance this morning my taste buds asked for chocolate.  Orange got mad that I wanted chocolate and said that I shouldn't have anything at all to eat.  She kinda felt like I should be punished just for even thinking about chocolate.  My healthy part of my brain settled the debate with cereal that vaguely has the texture of cardboard.  At least I ate, right?

That is why I ask questions about if the battle gets easier.  My mind and body were warring.  My healthy mind won but my body still didn't get what it wanted which was chocolate.  But orange didn't win either so I guess that is a step in the right direction.  I get tired of having to think about it.  It shouldn't be a struggle just to eat.  I shouldn't beat myself up when I need to take care of me.  It really is ok for me to eat, shower, paint my nails and do something for me.  I just wish I could convince orange of that.  I wish that she would quit telling me that I don't deserve to be taken care of.

Thank you again for your support.  I know one day it will all sink in to my thick skull and reach my brain.  I know it will get easier, I just wish it would happen sooner.  And until that day I will just keep fighting and let the Lord be my strength.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

still fighting

Just out of curiosity, how long does one have to fight to be the army that battles 5 minutes longer than the enemy?  Someone further along in recovery than I am, please tell me, how long is the battle intense?  Do you ever get to a point that each day is not a purposed choice to pursue recovery?  Is it going to become second nature to take care of myself or will this be a daily decision for the rest of my life.  I'm still fighting.  I'm still choosing recovery.  But I still have to make a conscious effort every day.  Some days the food battles are not as bad, some days they are horrendous but they are still there EVERY day.  
Is it going to get easier or should I just prepare myself for the endless war?  Just wondering.......