At the end of a hot day, nothing sounded better tonight than an ice cold beer with dinner. Orange said no. Orange won that round for sure, I didn't even argue with her. "You have a physical in 3 days and you are NOT going in there with extra pounds because you wanted a beer! There will be no beer belly's on Thursday and I don't care what we have to do to make sure of it!" It's not good for me anyway.
I'm not going to lie, there have been quite a few orange thoughts today. BUT in the area of not giving in to orange, while walking in the store tonight I spotted a display of Pringles near the registers. I bought a can and who on earth am I because I actually ate some too!
Kinda feels like tug-o-war. Buy the chips. Eat the chips, they sound good. But for the love of all that is holy, don't even think about the beer. And heaven help me, don't you dare eat a cookie for dessert. Are you missing the point of having to be weighed in 3 days?????? So orange didn't let me have a beer or a cookie but I told her off and had a couple of chips. That is progress, right? I seriously don't remember the last time I ate Pringles. AND they were good too. Is that how normal people feel about food? "Hmmmm, that looks good, I think I'll eat it." It was such a foreign feeling to me.
I'd be lying if I said that I have no desire to restrict at all. I hate having to go to the doctor. The anxiety is ridiculous. I'm not anxious that something is wrong. I'm anxious that I have to hear the "how are you doing with your relationship with food?" conversation. It seems that if I say I am sucking at dealing with food, that I'd be lying but if I say that I am enjoying food and doing well, I'd also be lying. Being at an ok, kinda-stable-but-not-the-best place makes me want to avoid my doctor. Ahhhh, the irrationality of orange. I want to be either sick or better, not somewhere in between when I talk to my doctor. Sick is easier to obtain, and as a result, sick thoughts have been having their way with my brain.
Now thankfully, I don't always have to give in to the sick thoughts. I can choose to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and usually I do. I'm just tired of the thoughts being disordered. I'm tired of doing the next right thing. I'm still doing what I should, I just am ready for the day when it is more than a should but also a want. Like that glimpse I had tonight, I feel like chips, I'm going to have them. I want a bunch more glimpses of that kind of freedom and for food to be a want not just a need/should. I want the mental struggle to be over. And I really want my physical to just be over too! My anxiety levels will go down so much when it is!