child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Sunday, July 3, 2011

still fighting

Just out of curiosity, how long does one have to fight to be the army that battles 5 minutes longer than the enemy?  Someone further along in recovery than I am, please tell me, how long is the battle intense?  Do you ever get to a point that each day is not a purposed choice to pursue recovery?  Is it going to become second nature to take care of myself or will this be a daily decision for the rest of my life.  I'm still fighting.  I'm still choosing recovery.  But I still have to make a conscious effort every day.  Some days the food battles are not as bad, some days they are horrendous but they are still there EVERY day.  
Is it going to get easier or should I just prepare myself for the endless war?  Just wondering.......


  1. To use the cliched statement, it gets better! However, I had been told over and over again that it would take a really long time (5-10 years.) I initially freaked out about this and thought, "well, what's the point?!" However, 5.5 years after being diagnosed, I can say that it has gotten a lot better and that my turning point came 4.5 years into recovery. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make it better and easier but the truth is, it takes a really long time before it becomes less of an intentional choice.

    Paul says in 2 Corinthians 12:7-10: "To keep me from becoming
    conceited because of these surpassingly great revelations, there was
    given me a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me.
    Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he
    said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made
    perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about
    my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for
    Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in
    persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
    I made this a theme verse as I went through recovery to remind me
    that God doesn't allow us to go through struggles just to watch us
    suffer, and he will NEVER let our our struggles be wasted. Take this struggle in your life, not as a punishment but as an opportunity for you to grow closer to God and to learn how to depend and rely on Him and HIS strength...

  2. You know, I can't claim to be any further along in recovery than you, nor can I claim to be struggling any more or less than you. But I can say this: From my own personal experience, the battle simply changes.

    Some days it's easier to fight, some days it's harder to fight, and some days I don't even realize I'm fighting at all. Some days it changes even through the COURSE of the day. What recovery looks like for me is not going to be what recovery looks like for you. I think it's an ever-changing process that sometimes takes on a life of it's own.

    I know that in my experience, it does get easier. It gets harder, too. But I do think it does become second nature. SOMETIMES! I don't always make the decision to act out of a place of recovery. A lot of times it just happens on its own, and at the end of the day I can take a step back and say, "Wow, I went through the motions of healthy decision-making today, and I wasn't even consciously aware that I was doing that." It's awesome when that happens! The very next day I may very well have to act deliberately and consciously in every way imaginable. It's just a process. It changes. It cycles. But the more we act deliberately, the more our brains learn to get to that unintentional, second-nature place. The more we choose to do what we know we need to do, the less choosing we'll eventually have to do.

    It's not always easy ... you know that. And I'm not sure it will ever just completely "go away." The key is to learn to cope, to learn to manage, and to learn to ignore those thoughts and compulsions. And I think the only way we learn how to do those things is to practice. To give it a shot, because really ... what choice do we have? We can sit back and let this thing roll over us and destroy us, sure. Or we can be proactive, fight, plow through, and reclaim control of our own lives. Isn't that what we are so desperately fighting for anyway?

    It doesn't always suck, please hear that. Some days will, and I think anyone - at any level of recovery - will tell you that. But the days that don't suck can be AMAZING. The days that don't suck can be productive, exciting, fulfilling, meaningful, and beautiful.

    I'm sorry you're feeling so overwhelmed and discouraged. I hate that for you. If I could take it all away from you, I'd do it in a heartbeat. But I can't do that. What I CAN do is be here for you, encourage you, remind you how strong and capable and beautiful and special you are, and hold your hand through this journey. I can listen to you cry and scream and ask "Why the hell is this still an issue, and when the hell will it just go away already?!" Should you ever need any of those things, I know you know where to find me :)

    Hang in there, precious. I have every bit of hope and confidence that this is all worth the fight. YOU are worth the fight. Don't you ever forget that, either. I love you!

  3. It gets easier -- I'm not that far along in recovery and even I can see that. The difference from this year to last is vast and remarkable - but I did have to muck through the days where was a fight. And that's not to say that they aren't still days like that, but they're fewer and farther between.

    Hang in there -- it gets better, it really does.
    Praying for you!

  4. thanks gals. You're right, it has gotten easier in the last year. I guess I'm just tired of it being hard. Sometimes it is hard to see how far I've come when I realize how far I still have to go. Love you ladies, you mean the world to me!