What if I just jumped in?

Yesterday at MOMSnext (think MOPS but for moms with school aged kids) the speaker posed a couple of questions.  These questions have been gnawing at me anyway but hearing them verbalized quickened the nudging in my own soul.  She asked, What is it that God is calling you to dive into?  You know what it is because it has already been nagging at your brain. What is the voice in your head saying that is preventing you from stepping out into that calling?

I had planned on either not answering or keeping it shallow.  Several ladies that I work with are in my MOMSnext group and I didn't really want to bare my soul in front of coworkers.  But if you know me at all, you know that if you directly ask me a question, I will give you a direct answer.  I don't lie well and I really don't see the point of lying anyway.  I tend to be far more of an open book than is probably beneficial.  So I answered the questions when my coworker looked me in the eye and said, "So what about you Dawn?  What is God doing in your life, how is He moving and how is He asking you to plunge all in?"  And here is the truth about what is going on in my heart.

What is God asking me to plunge in to?  I'm supposed to write.  And over the last year I have been feeling a nagging at my soul that the writing is supposed to turn into speaking at some point. When I came to my current job, I felt very strongly that the Lord was telling me that it is a place where He will grow me and stretch me, that it is to be a training ground for wherever He takes me next.  I don't want to stretch and grow.  Growing hurts.  God and I have been battling that out for a while now. 

What is the voice in my head that is keeping me from doing what God is calling me to?  No one wants to hear my story, no one wants to listen to what I have to say.  That is the voice in my head.

And then there is the fear of the ripple effect of how this will impact the lives of my family outside of Hubby and the kids.  My in-laws are the most private people on the planet and I'm pretty sure that as much as they love me, they think I share WAAAAAAAAY too much.  My parents, well that is its own complicated drama.  I also want to find the boundary of while telling my story, protecting other people's stories.  Other stories play into my story and I want to find a way to be true to myself without crossing over into a realm of gossip and divulging things that are not my place to divulge.

I'd rather follow God's leading in a small and safe area than step out in faith.  I'd rather write on a blog that I don't advertise that each post gets between 5-15 views.  I'd rather not speak at all.  What if God leads me big and I totally blow it?  What if I cause more than a ripple effect in my family and instead of ripple circles, huge tsunami wave wash over us and leave a wake of devastation?

I'm terrified to take that step. I love to write, it ignites my soul, and I have no earthly clue what I would do if more than a couple of dozen people were to see something that I wrote.  I have no college degree.  I'm sure my writing would drive more than a couple of grammar snobs or editors completely bonkers.  It isn't perfect, neither am I.  What if being imperfect is not really what people want to see?

What I learned from helping my son

My baby has been struggling.  For several months he has randomly started crying and telling me he is sad. Recently it is becoming more and more frequent.  He never knows why he is sad or what is causing him to go from laughing to crying in a matter of minutes.  As the girl who did deal with childhood depression, I worry.  The other day he climbed in my lap, stroked my hair and said, "Mamma, I'm just sad."

I have no answers or cures for him.  But I happen to be struggling with the same thing currently so I hugged him tightly and told him that I get sad for no reason sometimes too.  I grabbed my Bible that I had been reading before he came in and read Philippians 4:4-8 to him.

Rejoice in the Lord always.  I will say it again: Rejoice!

We can choose to have joy.

Let your gentleness be evident to all.  The Lord is near.

God is near us, Baby.

Do not be anxious about anything, 

That means we aren't supposed to worry.

but in everything, by prayer and petition, 

with thanksgiving, present your request to God.

And the peace of God which transcends all understanding

will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

That means that God gives us peace in our hearts that is bigger than our brains can understand.

Finally, brothers, whatever is true,

whatever is noble,

whatever is right,

whatever is pure,

whatever is lovely

 whatever is admirable

if anything is excellent or praiseworthy

think on these things.

Baby, that means that God wants us to spend our time thinking about the things 

in our lives that we are thankful for, for the blessings He gives us, and every good thing.

Tell me something you are thankful for, something that makes you smile.  "I don't know, Mamma.  I can't think of anything."  Well, I can tell you something  that makes me smile.  You make me smile.  I'm thankful for you.  Now it is your turn.

You.

Coffee in my Christmas mug.

My monkeys.

That our heater works.

Playing with my friends at recess.

Hugs and kisses.

Brothers.

The conversation continued for several minutes.  And then his sweet voice says, "Mamma, I still feel sad."  I know, Baby.  We will still get sad sometimes.  What we need to do is hold on to those things we are thankful for, those things that make us smile, until  the sadness passes.  And at some point the sadness will pass.  Hold on to those good things until the sadness passes. 

I don't know how long it will be until my sadness passes, but I will continue to greet the day with intentional thankfulness until the sadness passes.  I will continue to hold on to the things that are true, noble, worthy of praise and trust that God is indeed near and that He will indeed guard my heart and mind with His peace. 

me too people

The people I connect with the most are part of the "me too club".  I think that is who most people connect with on a deeper level.  I read blogs of people who say what they are feeling and are honest about it.  I get bored and stop reading when it is simply to instruct me in all the ways I fall short.  I connect with so many of you because you say, I had a great day as well as saying wow, today really sucked the life out of me.  I connect with you because you read my stuff and you say, "Hey, me too.  I know what that is like."

I want to be a me too person.  I don't want to be someone who has it all figured out.  I want to experience it with others.  My pain, their pain, my joy, their joy, to walk side by side and experience life together.  And yet at the same time, I'm a little afraid to say what's on my heart because I feel certain that no one will say to me, "yeah, me too".

I can lay it out here on my blog.  I can say, hey world this is who I am.  I've made some very dear friends through my blog.  I just have a hard time taking that into real life.  I love to hear others stories.  I love to know what makes them tick.  I love to see their lives in action, especially in the nitty gritty.  But then when it comes to me, I don't want to show them the nitty gritty.  I am afraid that in the real world that I won't find the kind of me too people that I have found here on my blog.

I love to hear the stories behind others tattoos.  And yet I find myself at work being cautious about asking the significance because then I open myself up to someone asking the significance of my tattoo.  I want to know why one woman at work picks her food apart and doesn't eat as much as the anyone else.  But then I have to admit that I have noticed it and open myself up for her questions.  Most people wouldn't notice that she does it.  It is very subtle.  But I notice, and if I notice that, why when no one else does? 

I heard Lisa Terkheurst speak yesterday and she said something that I know and yet struggle with.  God gave us emotions so that we can experience life not so we can run from it.  I feel like I experience it here, where it is safe, where few actually know me.  But I'm still afraid to experience life and emotions out there in the real world.  I really do like the safety of my blog.  What happens if I take the safety here and become a me too person out there?

walking throught the muck with my kids

Friday the news broke that the body they found was indeed the body of the missing little girl.  Friday my son spent the night at a friends house.  Friday the friend's mom told my son that the girl had been found.  Friday she told him that the body had been dismembered.  Saturday I had to pick up the pieces of a very broken little boy.

Wouldn't you think that maybe it isn't ok to tell other people's kids big news like that?  Or maybe send me a text if he was asking questions to ask if I minded if she talked to him about it?  Or at minimum, TELL ME that she talked to him so that I know what he knows so I have a starting point when he breaks down in my arms? 

We believe that our kids should hear from us whenever possible the things they need to know.  We tell our kids hard things because we want to be able to help them process their emotions in a safe place.  We would have talked about this with him.   We talked to our kids about the theater shooting.  We talked about the little girl being missing and the reasons we have certain outside rules in place.  We talk about sex and answer uncomfortable questions.  We answer all of their questions when we are asked, even if the answer, like this time, is "I don't know.  I don't understand either." 

Maybe that is why it made me angry that someone else handled it.  I know it will get talked about at school.  My son is in the same age range as the little girl was.  He and his friends have been talking about it.  I just wanted him to hear the big part from me and dad.  I wanted him to be in a safe place that he could completely loose his temper and punch his pillow and scream and cry and do all of the things that he did when he got home to the safety of his room.  I wanted to be there to hold him when he asked through his sobs why someone would do that.

This morning  I asked his little brother what they talk about at school.  He told me at lunch that they talk about the bad guy who broke into the theater.  He told me they talk about the missing girl.  I told him the missing girl was found, that someone had hurt her, that someone had killed her.  He asked me why that person would steal her if they were just going to kill her.  I told him I don't know.  He doesn't have the same details that his big brother has.  He doesn't need the same details that his big brother has.  But he knows that he can ask us questions if he has them.  He knows home is a safe place to feel what you need to feel.  But it isn't affecting him in the same way as it is affecting his brother.

This parenting stuff is hard.  Helping my kids to feel the emotions that they need to feel and to walk alongside of them as they process is important.  It is also hard.  I understand why some parents choose to not talk to their kids about issues.  It is painful.  It hurts to see pieces of your child's innocence taken away.  It is a very helpless kind of feeling to have your son break down into gut wrenching sobs in your arms and know that you can't make it better.  It is very humbling to have no words of comfort and to only be able to pray that the Lord will bring us His comfort.

What if?

Lots going on in my head today.  Lots of what if's.  Like what if tomorrow the second screening my doctor ordered confirms what he suspects to be early glaucoma?  What if Hubby can't find a job and is unemployed?  What if we get sick during the interim time before new insurance?  What if the program my work is sponsoring soon has the affect that it did last time and becomes triggering?  What if I have nightmares again tonight?  What if? 

I can't control the things that might happen.  I need to stop worrying about the things that might happen.  Tonight it is hard though.  Today was an emotionally raw day and the what if's just seem really loud right now.  I need some sleep.  Hopefully sleep that doesn't involve dreams of violence and darkness.  I'm really tired of not sleeping well.  Maybe I need to reverse my what if thinking.

What if I sleep peacefully with sweet dreams?  What if sleeping brings me a new and better perspective?  What if I'm stronger now than I was last time and this program doesn't trigger me?  What if it isn't glaucoma?  What if the perfect fit job is waiting for him to start immediately after he finishes where he is?  What if it is all so much better than the doubt in my mind right now? 

And in the end, God is still good.  He is still sovereign.  He is still in control and no amount of what if's will ever change that.  Now if I could internalize that a little more right now.......

how did you do it?

I was chatting with a customer tonight at work.  We started talking about the wildfires here in Colorado right now, then about the wind and then about our kids.  It was a pleasant conversation until it came up how many kids I have.  She looked straight at my stomach and said incredulously, "YOU have THREE kids?????"  I smiled, forcing myself to not mention that I had just watched her stare at my stomach and confirmed, yep, three boys.

And then she said it.  "Wow!  How did you lose the weight?  You look fabulous. I'm still 40 lbs more than I used to be. How did you get your body back?"  And then I said it.  You don't want this body.  It hasn't been worth it, the 40lbs would be better. You don't want to live this life.

She suddenly looked at me with empathy and comfort instead of awe.  She assured me of my beauty and told me to not dwell on my perception of my body.  And I'm grateful for that.  But it is still hard that someone looked that closely at my body when I'm afraid to look closely at it myself.

tagged

My darling Amy from  Perfectly Imperfect tagged me and I find things like this to be quite fascinating.  This caters to my love of lists and my love of getting to know others better. I particularly like that not everyone who does this will answer the same questions.  She asked 11 questions for me to answer, I have to give 11 random facts about myself, and then I will ask 11 questions for my tagged buddies to answer.  Here goes!

Rules For Bloggers: (you must repost these)

1. Post these rules.
2. You must post 11 random things about yourself.
3. Answer the questions the tagger set for you in their post.
4. Create 11 new questions for the people you tag to answer.
5. Go to their blog and tell them that you’ve tagged them.
6. No stuff in the tagging section about ‘you are tagged if you are reading this.’ blah blah blah, you legitimately have to tag 11 people!

11 Random Things About Myself:

1. I met my husband just after my 18th birthday and we have been best friends since.
2. I'm a sucker for the color purple, butterflies, ladybugs and all things girly.
3. Lilacs are my favorite flower of all time.  I think God makes them bloom just to see me smile :)   I wish they weren't such a short lived flower.
4. I love being a mom, I adore my children.  But sometimes I don't like them.
5. When I was 5, I fell out of a moving car.  My face was like the stopper on a roller skate and skidded along the pavement taking all of the skin off of the right side of my face.  My kindergarten teacher was so distraught to see me like that she ended up quitting.
6. I'm pretty computer illiterate but look like a computer genius when compared to my parents.
7. I absolutely despise doing dishes more than any other chore in the world.  And my dishwasher is broken, which makes it a billion times worse right now.
8. In high school, I fractured my neck by being hit on the head with a basketball during gym class.
9. I really like nutritional medicine and while I will take regular medicine when needed, I will try the natural remedy first.
10. I am a very loyal friend and hate that natural progression of life means that I don't get to see every one of my friends as regularly as I used to.
11. I absolutely love when someone else brings me a meal and saves me from having to figure out and cook dinner.  I used to like to cook and loved to bake, now I hate to cook and like to bake.

My answers to Amy's questions:

   1.  What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment in life thus far? staying married.  I didn't know if I had what it took when we first got married.  That is a conversation Hubby and I recently had and a post in and of itself for another day.

   2.  If you could go back and change one decision you've ever made, what would it be? I really hurt someone many years ago with something I did.  I didn't know at the time it was wrong but I never made it right after I realized what I had actually done.  I have no idea where that person is on the planet now to make things right at this point so all I can do is tell God and accept His forgiveness.  

   3.  What do you consider to be the best thing about where you live?  it's not humid!  Summer heat can get in the high 90's or low 100's but I can still walk outside without sweating a gallon just to walk to my car.  Or in the winter, even when it gets super cold (which isn't that often) it is never as cold as the humid places I have lived.  It is never the kind of cold that freezes your lungs when you take a breath in.

   4.  What is your biggest fear? my husband dying and having to make it through life and parenting without his support and love

   5.  What is your biggest guilty pleasure?  Twilight books, and anything that involves both chocolate and peanut butter

   6.  What is your favorite song of all time? oh my, I LOVE music and my favorite song changes as the seasons of my life change.  Right now it is Martina McBride's "I'm going to love you through it"

   7.  Describe the best day of your whole life.  I've had some amazing days.  I think the best though was the day my 3rd son was born.  My doctor informed me he was crowning and if I reached down I would be able to feel his head.  When  I reached down, his head fully came out.  My doctor coached me but she let me deliver my own sweet boy.  My hands were the first ever to touch him and hold him.  I brought him up to my chest and they cleaned him and did everything they needed to do with him right there laying on my chest cuddling with his mamma.  Being pregnant and giving birth is among the most amazing of all miracles but being the one to actually deliver my son was the most amazing of the most amazing!

   8.  Do you have any recurring dreams or nightmares? yes, nightmares.  They have gotten less in frequency since being married but not less in intensity.  

   9.  If you could be anywhere else in the world right now, where would you be? Lying on a quiet beach with a good book and a cold drink with no responsibility and nothing to do but lay there and relax!

   10.  What is the best choice you've ever made in life? the best and the hardest has been that I deserve a full and happy life and recovery (and health, both mental and physical) from eating disorder, from PTSD, from a haunting past, and from all the things that have held me hostage over the years of my life

   11.  If you could do it all over again, what would you change? I would have found my voice sooner.


My questions for you:

1. What is your greatest dream in life?
2. In what ways has your life turned out like you had hoped?
3. In what ways has your life been not at all like you had hoped?
4. If you could give one piece of advice to someone, what would it be?
5. What is your favorite and least favorite chore?
6. What is your favorite recipe to make?
7. Do you have a book (or a movie) that you could read/see many times over and still love?
8. Who has been or is the biggest influence in your life and in who you are becoming?
9. What are 3 great, wonderful, positive things about you? (no negative self talk here!  no I'm this but...... comments!)
10. What are  you most thankful for in your life?
11. What is the best advice you have ever received?

Bloggers I tag for the above 11 questions:

(I'm not tagging 11.  Amy already tagged a few of mine, so I will just tag a few.)

    1.  Holly at Eating a Tangerine

    2. Holly at ...breathe, just breathe

    3.  Angela at The Spirit Within

    4. Jess at A Wilderness Love Story
    5. Missy at Beautiful Sturggle
    6. Steph at bright moments during dark times
    7. Sarah at Bearing, Eating, Being  (Sarah, sorry if I double tagged you. I probably did.)

cooking help

Ok, all.  I have to cook for my family.  It is just a fact of life.  A fact I have been running from for far too long.  I prefer homemade food.  There is a better chance of me eating it if I know what is in it.  And yet I tend to shortcut far too often just to escape the kitchen.  Then I'm overwhelmed with what I'm serving and don't eat it.  I end up nearly in tears and usually settling for carrots and hummus (if caught by Hubby).   So I need help. 

I cannot/will not do hydrogenated or hydrolyzed oils or proteins.  I panic about HFCS (high fructose corn syrup) and artificial colorings, specifically Red 40 and Yellows.  Sometimes I can handle bread, preferably homemade so I know none of the above culprits are involved.  Often times potatoes and other starchy foods freak me out.  I refuse to use artificial sweeteners, they are worse for your body than sugar is!  Those are my biggest rules.  Of course any given day a certain food or type of food or foods high on the glycemic index etc will freak me out.  But I'm working on being able to appreciate foods that have previously been taboo, like for instance a fully ripe banana or (on rare occasions) mashed potatoes. 

I can't guarantee the foods I make will not panic me once they are on my plate but I cope with the panic much more constructively when I can analyze that I am eating a meal that I made that is healthy.  That is where ya'll come into my recovery.  I need help planning meals!  I need family friendly dinners.  I have no idea how to cook anymore.  I used to be a pretty good cook.  I can't remember what I used to make, which meals my family raved over or why I used to enjoy cooking.  I have to get that back.  Otherwise I continue to perpetuate this illness.  Oh, I also am needing to slim my grocery budget a little.  It is costing me too much to to not be able to cook for my family.


So go for it.  Send them in.  Send me some family friendly, budget friendly dinner meals you love!  Please help me reclaim a love for cooking, or at minimum a tolerance of it!

reassurance

It is gonna get easier, right?  If I keep feeling, I'm really not going to feel this forever?  Just checking.

things I'm pondering

While I was trying to protect her, who was protecting me?  How do I think that by not bringing it to light that I am in someway still protecting her?  Would it actually tear my family apart if I made it public or is that in my mind?  Somehow it seems to be coming down to that age old question,  "If you knew your 2nd child was going to find the cure for cancer but your 1st child would be a murderer, would you still have the 1st child who would cause great pain in order to have the 2nd child who would change the world and bring hope to millions?" 

Is it worth going through my own pain and the pain it could cause my family in order to bring hope to more?  Who am I really protecting, her or me?  What am I afraid of, the backlash to my family or the backlash to me?  Is the backlash worth it?  Would I really make a big difference if I quit hiding or am I making a big enough difference now?  Am I living the life I was called to or am I hiding behind all the reasons that I can't do it? 

anyone know this blog I'm talking about?

Ok, first of all, I'm doing much better than my earlier post.  Even just saying the words, putting them on paper (well, the computer, but close enough!) eased some of their control over me.  The world isn't perfect with me but the darkness of the orange colored glasses is less than it was several hours ago.

On a rather random note, I read a blog recently that I am trying to re-find.  I clicked it from someone else's blog so hopefully someone out there knows which one it is.  It was a girl who like to make healthy foods, she was a fairly new blogger, one of the recipes was a cookie that had quinoa in it, and her hubby got tired of her whole graininess sometimes.  Does that ring a bell to anyone????? I am thinking she may be on WordPress instead of Blogger because I'm sure I would have followed her if she had been on Blogger.  Anyone know who I'm talking about and who's page I found her from?  Bueller?  Bueller?  Anyone?

still fighting

Just out of curiosity, how long does one have to fight to be the army that battles 5 minutes longer than the enemy?  Someone further along in recovery than I am, please tell me, how long is the battle intense?  Do you ever get to a point that each day is not a purposed choice to pursue recovery?  Is it going to become second nature to take care of myself or will this be a daily decision for the rest of my life.  I'm still fighting.  I'm still choosing recovery.  But I still have to make a conscious effort every day.  Some days the food battles are not as bad, some days they are horrendous but they are still there EVERY day.  
Is it going to get easier or should I just prepare myself for the endless war?  Just wondering.......

social ineptitude

I have a question for you guys that I have been meaning to ask but today the need to ask seems suffocating.  I love my friends. Earlier this week I got together with 5 other ladies to celebrate the impending birth of one of my friends 3rd baby (also known as a baby shower ;-)  ).  I love these gals.  They are wonderful and yet I still felt socially awkward and inept. I feel so out of place anytime I am with a group of people.  One on one, I'm great, in a group, I feel so out of place.  I know that is common with eating disorders, to isolate.  I'm reading a thousand other blogs from others who deal with eating disorders who talk about how difficult it is to be around friends.  What I want to know is does that ever go away?  And does everybody feel like that?  I felt it long before I struggled with anorexia.  I remember feeling that way in elementary school, awkward in social settings.  I have always attributed my early social anxiety to the abuse I went through as a child but what about now?  Is this my eating disorder that makes me uncomfortable.  I sat at the table with the other 5 and wondered if any of them felt like they didn't really belong.  Was it just me?  Do normal, not traumatized, people feel like they don't really fit in too?  I want to hear it from all the sides.  Tell me how ed has effected your social life.  Tell me how being "normal" has effected your social life.  Tell me that other people are insecure and timid while pretending that they have it all together.  Please tell me I'm not the only social freak!

intentional parenting

A couple of weeks ago I was asked to do a post on what intentional parenting looks like for me.  That was a hard question for me because I don't feel like I parent intentionally though I am working on it and want to.  Yesterday hubby and I had a really long conversation, the type that makes you feel as if everything in the world is going to be ok again.  He asked me 3 questions.  What do you want out of marriage?  What do you want out of being a mom?  What do you want out of life?  I really had to analyze that.  It reminded me that I have been pondering for a couple of weeks what I want being a mom to look like.  So here goes......

The mom I want to be:
My kitchen is clean.  I enjoy teaching my kids the basics of life, how to fold laundry, how to cook, how to load the dishwasher etc.  I play Monopoly with my oldest, do puzzles with my middle and color with my youngest.  We work on the summer homework daily so that it isn't a huge amount at the end of the summer.  I listen to my kids intently.  TV time and video games are limited and earned by doing chores.  When my kids catch bugs I help them to learn about the bugs they catch.  I talk to my kids and uphold our family's no yelling rule.  My youngest recognizes his letters.  My middle can read.  My oldest knows how to use the computer.  I encourage my kids to come to their own conclusions and to ask lots of questions.  I am genuinely interested in their thoughts, ideas, questions and dreams.

The mom I am:
There are usually dishes in my sink.  Because of the mess in the kitchen, I tend to yell at the kids to "get out of my kitchen" when I am trying to make a meal.  It is just too crowded to have mom + kids + mess so the kids are the ones I kick out.  I have taught my kids to unload the dishwasher but I still don't have them load it.  I once started working with my oldest on folding laundry but found it is easiest for me to do laundry when everyone is in bed.  My son has a bike that he got for his 7th b-day.  He is turning 9 in a couple of months and the bike has still never been ridden.  I wanted to teach him but never found the money to buy a helmet so I just didn't teach him since he didn't have the helmet.  My kids have learned to recognize letters from preschool.  My youngest can recognize his name but other than that, any letter knowledge is from TV, Leap Frog toys and preschool.  I get flustered when my kids ask lots of questions.  I want them to be inquisitive but I have a hard time explaining some of the things they want to know about.  My kids have summer homework packets that have to be turned in on the first day of school.  Oldest has 22 pages of math, middle has 19 pages of math.  Only 2 pages each have been done.  The required summer reading hasn't even been touched.  My kids wake up much earlier than I do.  They play Wii and watch cartoons until I wake up around 8ish. I am genuinely interested in their thoughts, ideas, questions and dreams but I probably don't convey that very well.  I have to remind myself often that they won't be little forever and that they need me to pay attention to them.  Sometimes it is hard to slow my brain down and focus on just what they are saying and nothing else.  I fear sometimes that I give the same impression of being indifferent to their words as my mom did to me.  I usually have a reason why I cannot do something right then.  Oh, I can't look at sports cards right now, I'm making dinner.  We can't play a game until we get cleaned up (which would be fine but we never seem to get cleaned up). 




How I am making the transition from who I am to who I want to be:
I am working on slowing down.   I am working on explaining things that need to be explained.  I am working on not engaging with my oldest when he questions every decision I make.  I am working on actually adhering to our family's no yelling rule. 
I am working on making sure that I spend time with them doing something important to them.  This last one is harder than it sounds.  It is so easy to take them along with me to run errands and then try to consider that to be quality time. 
When they make an observation, before I give my opinion or tell them why they are right or wrong, I ask what thoughts led to the conclusion.  (Ok, son, why do you believe there are really aliens out there somewhere?  or Tell me why is it that you think that Anakin made a bad choice on Star Wars?)  It is amazing when I ask them about their thought process how much they enjoy the independence of figuring out things and expressing themselves by themselves.  I never had that and I love seeing how empowering it is for them.
I apologize when I am wrong.  (I'm sorry, Son,  I would never allow you to speak to me like I just spoke to you and it was wrong.  I didn't think before I spoke and I am so sorry that I yelled at you and spoke to you in a disrespectful way.  Will you forgive me?)
I try to let them in on my thought process in an age appropriate way.  My oldest always want to make everything better.  When I was frustrated with one of my kids breaking something of mine, he came and hugged me and told me not to be upset.  I explained that it is ok for me to be frustrated that my stuff was broken as long as I handled my frustration in an appropriate way.  Or when I was hurt deeply by a friend, I told him my feelings were hurt.  He didn't need all of the details of what had happened but he was seeing his mommy cry and that bothered him.  I told him that my friend had hurt my feelings with her action and I was sad.  It helps them to understand and identify their feelings when they see me identify and feel my feelings (which sucks by the way and is really hard!)


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So all  in all, I don't have this parenting thing mastered at all.  I have discovered that being the parent is much more difficult than I ever thought.  I thought I knew so much from all the time that I had spent working with kids and nannying.  I was wrong!  Deciding what is appropriate for your own child and what rules are non-negotiable is much more difficult than enforcing someone else's rules for their children.  I pray daily that God will bridge any gaps that I have made with my children by my faulty parenting.  I am thankful that His grace covers my mistakes.  I am far from a perfect parent.  BUT  I do love my kids with everything in me and I do my best to become the parent I want to be.  I wish I had known that parenting needs to be intentional when my first was born.  I think I get the most resistance from him out of the three because he lived the longest with the old rather loose boundaries and it is the most difficult for him to adapt.

My biggest advice to new parents or those wanting children someday, is to start before the child is ever born.  Know what things are important to you to pass on to your children.  Know what language, television/movies  you are comfortable with.  Talk together with the other parent to be a united front from day one.  Do you want to pass on your faith?  How will you do that?  Do you want your child to know or not know certain things?  What does that look like to you?  Talk together about how you want to handle the birds and the bees talk.  Trust me, it arrives much sooner than you will be prepared for and you need a plan.  Who will have the talk, how much detail do you give at each age/stage, what will you call body parts?  How do you feel about pre-marital sex and homosexuality and how will you relay that to your children?  Be intentional.  If you want your kids to know something, make sure you are the one to teach them whatever it is.  Don't wait for someone else to share their faith with your child, or their views on sex, or their thoughts about the world.

Other advice, not along the lines of intentional, but still critical to successful parenting.  NEVER, EVER, EVER undermine the other parent in front of the kids!  If you don't agree, talk later, in private, NOT IN FRONT OF THE KIDS!  If they think that you are not united, they will take full advantage of that and pit you against one another.

And take care of your marriage.  Kids are a lot of work, especially when they are little.  Don't neglect each other and your marriage during the times of full time parenting.  Someday, those little bundles of joy will grow up and move out and have their own families and then it will be just the two of you again.  Make sure that you still know each other and love each other and want to spend your golden years together.  Do it now.  Your kids will thank you later for the stability that the strength and love of your marriage has brought them.  They are most secure in your love for them when they know that your love for each other is strong. 

hormonal psychosis and other observations

I have lots on my mind tonight.  I guess I should give the warning that I am experiencing hormonal psychosis right now as I am expecting my favorite time of the month in a couple of days.  When I devoured chocolate peanut butter no bake cookies seemingly non stop until they were gone and then felt annoyed and snarfy (I don't care if it isn't a word, I like it, so there!) with my entire family, I counted my calendar and wouldn't ya know, my period is near.  So take everything I say with a grain of salt and realize that while the feelings are probably real, they are magnified by the thousands thanks to stupid hormones and their resulting psychosis!

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I have been listening to the Tenth Avenue North CD Light Meets The Dark quite a bit lately.  Nearly every song hits me in the gut right now but this one in particular today.  My hubby and I had one of these conversations before we started dating.  I knew we were close to dating.  I also knew he had to know even the horrible parts of me before I let my heart get too much more attached.  I wanted him to know while he still had a chance to realize who I was and what I was capable of and had the chance to leave without hurting us both excruciatingly. 

I remember it well.  We sat at Village Inn.  I couldn't look him in the eye.  I told him what I have never told anyone else.  He loved me anyway.  He choose me anyway.  He could have picked someone who would have been less of a basket case.  He could have chosen someone less broken, and yet he didn't.  He knew me and still loved me.  And for that I am still amazed and yet so grateful.

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I feel very inadequate, very insecure, and very much like a failure.  Long story short, we just had some financial bad news.  My father-in-law is selling some of his guns to lend us the money to take care of this situation.  I am grateful that we have my in-laws and that he is willing to help us.  I also feel like a complete failure.  We live in a house they own.  He just bought new tires for my car last week because he saw how bald mine were and didn't want me and the kids out on those tires.  We are paying him back a little each paycheck.

And now this.  Now we will owe him even more.  He's not the kind to hold it over our heads and would never mention it even if we never paid him back.  But the problem is that I hold it over my own head.  I thought today that I wonder if we would make it if dad-in-law wasn't there to help us.  I started thinking about my own life.  I lived at home until I got married.  I never went to college, simply because I was scared that I wouldn't make it on my own and was afraid I wouldn't be able to provide, afraid I wouldn't be good enough to make it. 

I got married young and my husband started taking care of me. Financially things have been tight more than they haven't been but still, I'm not on my own.  Hubby is always there, even when things are tough.

Well, last week my friend became a 30-something widow with a son.  It got me thinking.  I am terrified that if my hubby wasn't here that I wouldn't be able to take care of me.  And how on earth would I provide for 3 kids on top of it?  Yeah, I know there is a nice amount of life insurance and our basic needs would be met but what I worried about was if I could emotionally provide.  When I don't understand my boys, I call in Daddy to help me.  When they are being disrespectful, or refusing to clean up, I call in Daddy. 

I am not naturally a clean freak type of person.  My mom used to tell me there was something wrong with me, maybe even on a spiritual level, because I could live with a mess.  Even still, I notice the mess when it is gone and I do enjoy the clean.  Unfortunately though, I can ignore the mess around me until hubby starts to get cranky and then I know the mess has gotten out of control.  Without him, I'm afraid one day I'd end up on Hoarders!  (Ok, that is a slight exaggeration but still.......)

So the feelings of failure and being inadequate are high tonight.  I feel like I couldn't take care of myself if there weren't someone as a safety net to bail me out of my life regularly.  I was so afraid and co-dependent when I was young that now even though I am older and less emotionally co-dependent that I still don't know what to do.

I am afraid of being me, I've always been who someone else wants me to be.  I long for freedom to discover me but still feel afraid to do so completely.  While I am learning to have less concerns about what the outside world thinks of me, I still deeply care what my family thinks of me.  What if they don't like who I have become?

Twilight Lover's Annonymous

Hi, my name is Dawn and I am a Twi-dork.  Yes it is true, I love the Twilight Saga.  I am giddy happy today because I just saw the trailer for Breaking Dawn.  I am stupid excited for that movie to come out in November, to the point of nearly wanting to wish the summer away.  I am slightly embarrassed to admit that I love the books well enough to have read them and re-read them.  I own the movies.  I buy them on release date.

So, while I am a dork and in love with Twilight, I am going to still claim this as a win.  Seeing the trailer this morning was just the thing to put a smile on my face and a little bit of a bounce in my step.  I am stupid excited for the new movie.  Anyway around it, it is something making me happy today, something I can look forward to, something that makes my day smiley and giddy.  I'll take smiley and giddy, no matter the cause :)

do you have any guilty pleasures? Maybe something, like me with Twilight, that you are embarrassed that you enjoy it so much? Any movies coming out that you want to see badly enough to pay full price and see on opening day/week?

weight jokes

A friend on Facebook mentioned that she was reading a memoir about anorexia and bulimia, while eating popcorn.  The comments that ensued were all jokes about e.d.  Comments like, "well as long as you don't throw up, you're ok " and several others.  I got defensive.  None of these people knew that the first person to leave a comment asked about the book because she is recovering from e.d.  They don't know me from Adam and yet I felt every word they said as an individual and specific attack.  Why is joking about eating disorders ok?  Why is it funny?  Why do I care what people I have never met think about eating disorders?

A friend of hubby's told me to ask hubby about a definition on Urban Dictionary that they had stumbled across.  I tried to smile when hubby told me but I don't know if I was convincing*. It was a comment about a woman's stomach.  I wanted to cry.  What if someone ever referred to me at that particular thing?  I would be devastated!  And though the reality is that term doesn't apply to me, I often feel like it does so it is still a hurtful comment.

Why is it ok to call people fat?  Why is it ok to laugh about weight whether over or under?  Why does the world care about those damn numbers?  Why do I care about those damn numbers?  I know beauty isn't on the scale.  I know that.  Why is is so hard to feel it?

The most beautiful people I have met, don't need a scale to be beautiful.  I have seen amazing beauty in people tall and short and every degree of weight, every hairstyle, every style of clothing.  Beauty is within them and is not accentuated by make up or nice clothes, and is not detracted from them by sweat pants and pony tails.  So why is beauty so subjective?  Why do the comments matter if the beauty isn't on the outside?   Why can't we just all be free to be the beauty that we actually are?

* To be fair, hubby was sensitive to me about it when I faked my laugh.  I just wonder if J realized my laugh was fake and I was annoyed.

the kindest words I ever heard

Yesterday I tackled a question that is hurtful and makes me angry.  So today I want to flip perspectives and answer the question I LOVE to be asked!  My hubby and I have been married for over 12 years.  We are still very much in love, are often told we still act like newlyweds, and we have a great sex life as well.  The one I often hear when people hear about my background is, "That is unheard of to have a relationship with the depth and longevity of yours.  And how on earth do you have a good physically intimate relationship with all that you have been through?"

I love this question because it gives me the opportunity to say the things hubby would never say about himself.  I get the opportunity to tell people what makes him so amazing!  When we were newly dating/engaged I heard the kindest words I have ever heard in my life and they came from that man.  He looked me in the eye and said, "I love you and respect you too much to tell you I can't wait for you."  And then he did it, wait that is.  I know I made the wait hell on him because I tried often to entice him.  And yet he waited for me.  I was Mrs. Hubby before we had sex.  Now that is big in any relationship these days but considering we had both experienced sex before and I was still believing that my value was based in my sexual self, this was HUGE!

As newlyweds, hubby did something absolutely unheard of, something that helped me to understand that my value was not based in sex.  When he saw me mentally checking out, going to my happy safe spot in my mind, he would stop no matter what level of physicality we were in.  He would stop, look me in the eyes and tell me, "You're mind isn't here.  If I can't have all of you then I don't want any of you.  I am not going to be another man who takes from you."  He stopped us in the middle of hot and heavy making out and he even a couple of times stopped in the middle of the deed simply to know that when we were together, I was completely with him.  Now, honestly, what kind of man can stop in the middle of sex because he knows you are mentally and emotionally checked out?!?!?

When I had nightmares and woke up screaming, he held me close.  He protected me, and not just physically.  Having been in a previous abusive relationship, I would panic anytime hubby would get frustrated.  I was just waiting for the trigger that would push him far enough that frustrated became angry and angry became abusive.  It never happened.  He showed me that he could be frustrated and I didn't have to cower. 

He allowed me the freedom to tend to my wounds.  We actually jokingly refer to our newlywed years as the sexually anorexic years.  He made it safe for me to be a woman.  He made me not fear being hit.  He made me not fear my own femininity and its power.  He made it safe to be more than sexy but to be beautiful.  My value never came from my bedroom performance.  This was a difficult thing to adjust to.  I tried to find my worth there, but he wouldn't let me keep looking there.

As the years have passed, I have learned that sex actually is enjoyable and not dirty.  He gave me such a gift in allowing me to be in control of my own body that I learned to trust him and to want to enjoy his physical attentions.  We have a strong and healthy sex life, much more than in our newlywed years! He still knows when I need to be safe.  A couple of months ago something happened that rocked me.  I had the ability to tell him that I just needed my body to be mine for a little while.  His response was, "Just let me know when you are ready."  He held me but didn't get sexual in his touch until I gave the go ahead.  Because I know this about my husband, the time of needing my body to be mine alone, was rather short.  It was amazing though to know that he wasn't rushing me or annoyed with me.  I am certain that his allowing me to be safe for the last 12 years is why when I need to feel safe now, it is a short lived break.

The single kindest thing ever done for me was my husband refusing to be one more guy who took from me.  Not only did he not take from me, he gave so much to me!

the same question, AGAIN

I've got something on my mind.  There is a question I have been asked many times over the last 8 months that is really starting to bother me.  The last person to ask me this question was genuinely trying to understand but just couldn't and so kept asking it over and over again.  I'm going to try to explain.  Maybe it will never make sense but I have to try because I am getting more and more hurt and angry every time it is asked.  So here goes........

Quick background to this question/story.  When I was 17 I had a job in fast food and had a creep for a boss.  Let's just call him "Fred" for the purposes of story telling.  Fred ended up molesting me and trying to force me to have sex with him.  It started with him reaching his arm a little closer than necessary across me to get something.  Then it was untying my apron strings and then smacking my butt with a towel when he would walk past.  Before long he was following me into the walk in freezer and putting his hand up my shirt or down my pants.  I was already scared to go in the freezer anyway but knowing he would follow me and completely shut the door and then make disgusting comments and touch me, made my fear escalate.

There was a lot of inappropriateness that went on but I think I've given enough info for you to get the gist.  One day one of my friends at work asked when I became a home wrecker.  He told me Fred was married and his wife had just delivered their 2nd baby a few days earlier.  I was overcome by shame.  I confronted him and finally quit my job just to get away from his way too many hands.

So the question so many people feel  the need to ask, "Why did you allow it to go on?  Were you just pleased to have the attentions of an older man?"  Let me answer that as politely as I can.

NO, I HATED HIS ATTENTIONS.  I CRINGED EVERYTIME HE CAME NEAR ME.  I WISH HE HAD NEVER TAKEN AN INTEREST IN ME!

There is a certain amount of blame that people want to place and since they don't understand why I didn't say no to him, then it must be because I enjoyed to some degree the physical attention he showed me.  I realize that I may explain it and those same people will still not understand and will continue to think that I just wanted to say I could hook a man twice my age.  It is possible that it may never make sense to someone who has not walked through my life, but I have to try.  I'm tired of feeling like others view it as completely my fault, that I'm just the slutty girl they saw me as in high school.


If you have been reading my blog for any length of time, you know that I endured many years of violent sexual abuse as a child.  I wasn't allowed to say no, otherwise I got hurt.  I wasn't allowed to talk about it because no one really believed that it could be happening.  I came to accept it as my life and as my normal.  Sex wasn't supposed to be fun and enjoyable.  Sex meant finding my happy place and enduring so that the physical hurt was to a minimum.  I learned to believe that sexual performance was my only worth.  Obviously I wasn't worth protecting or nurturing so sex must have been why I was created, created to fill another's need.


I acted out on that feeling quite a bit in my high school years.  I allowed a lot of guys to do a lot of things that I never wanted them to do but somehow while it made me feel dirty, it at the same time made me feel valuable.  The world of sexual abuse leaves a wretched dichotomy of emotions.  So because of that, I can see why some have asked me about my part in the relationship with Fred.  But I have to say with all honesty, I hated him and I hated his touch.  I never felt valuable when he touched me.  It reminded me of the abuse days, it wasn't something I solicited, it was something thrust on me.  


I actually had a huge crush on one of my other co-workers and Fred's behavior towards me sent unwanted messages to the boy that I did want touching me.  I didn't know how to tell him no though.  He was bigger than me, older than me and in a position of authority over me.  I turned off my brain when he started molesting and found my mental safe spot.  I never encouraged his affections.  I was never flattered by his affections.  The last time I saw him, his affections turned violent as well, by slamming me into a car.

No, I never felt flattered by his attention.  I often felt confused and terrified.  The last person who asked me that question added even more salt to the wound.  He asked, "But why didn't you stop him?  You knew pre-marital sex was wrong.  You heard it in youth group and Bible class (I went to a small private school).  You knew God didn't approve so why did you keep allowing this to go on?"   The answer I wished I would have had when I was talking to this person came to me later that night.

If I say the sun is square and the grass is purple, does that make it so?  Just because someone says something to be true doesn't mean it is.  People once said the world to be flat.  Once it was said that tomatoes were poisonous.  Just because someone has preached something at you your whole life, doesn't mean that you know it to be truth.  I may have heard the words that pre-marital sex was bad but what I internalized was "Sex is bad and you experienced sex from a young child, so therefore you must also be bad."  Too often the problem with the church's message about sex, is that it leaves those of us who did experience it in a way other than how it was intended, discarded and feeling like we are dirty.  There is no room for second chances in the world I grew up in.

Yes, I allowed and encouraged a lot of touching with guys in my late high school years.  No, Fred was NOT someone who I encouraged or enjoyed, just someone I allowed.  I think I may scream if another person asks me if I allowed it because I was flattered.  I allowed a lot of things to happen to my body because I never knew it was MY body and I could protect it.  I allowed a lot of hurt in my life because I never learned that my body was beautiful and worth waiting for.  I allowed a lot of touches that should have never happened because I didn't know that it wasn't normal because it was my normal.

a disordered eating stranger

There is a girl at my husbands work who is very, very unhealthy.  She is one of the few that I have met that there is absolutely no question that she has an eating disorder.  Her arms are so bony, her skin is pale and unhealthy and her hair is brittle and falling out.  The first time I saw her, I asked hubby about her.  He didn't really know much about her yet.  Every time I would go to his work I would specifically look for her.  Every time I was mildly afraid she wouldn't be there because she collapsed or went into treatment.

I ache for this young girl.  I ache for the struggle she is going through.  I ache because I understand.  I wonder if her family judges her.  I wonder if she even tries to have friends anymore.  I wonder who emotionally supports her.  How long has she been sick?  How long have her bones been sticking out of her skin?  How long has her hair looked like it should be shaved off and start over again?  How long have her eyes been hollow?  How long has she been hurting?  What was her life like before ED ravaged her body?

In the time since she started, my hubby has now finally told me her name.  He has agreed that she is definitely sick.  He also is only barely acquainted with her.  I long to support her, to tell her she is not alone, to remind her that she really is beautiful.  But she doesn't know me.  Here is what I do know about ED.  We feel invisible and when those around us don't know what to say, we are convinced that we are indeed invisible.  We long to be visible and yet are terrified of being noticed.  We can't see the disease in the mirror, because the stupid mirror lies, and so we are certain that those around us can't see the disease either.  No one knows our little lie.  No one can see the problem and therefore it isn't really a problem.  It doesn't become real until you are passing out from malnutrition.  It doesn't become real until every bone in your body aches so badly that you want to die.  It doesn't become real until your husband informs you that things have changed sexually and it isn't as enjoyable when you are afraid you will break your wife in half if you are intimate.  It doesn't become real until you long to run your car off the road so that your family doesn't have to watch you slowly die.

So what do I do?  Do I introduce myself?  And if so then what?  Do I continue to let her think that no one knows she is hurting?  Do I tell her that I understand?  I am struck by the comment Holly made on my "what's her story?" post.  In a college setting where eating disorders are said to be prevalent there is little evidence that others share her battle.  Sure, 1 in 5 struggle with it, but how many hide it well?  So do I continue to let this girl think it is impossible to see her disease and that she is invisible or do I let her know I see her?  I question things like this.  I question because I think I would be furious if a stranger came up to me and accused me of being anorexic (despite how true it may be).

How do you handle seeing an eating disorder that is really not your place to intervene in?