child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Friday, August 31, 2012

What if?

Lots going on in my head today.  Lots of what if's.  Like what if tomorrow the second screening my doctor ordered confirms what he suspects to be early glaucoma?  What if Hubby can't find a job and is unemployed?  What if we get sick during the interim time before new insurance?  What if the program my work is sponsoring soon has the affect that it did last time and becomes triggering?  What if I have nightmares again tonight?  What if? 

I can't control the things that might happen.  I need to stop worrying about the things that might happen.  Tonight it is hard though.  Today was an emotionally raw day and the what if's just seem really loud right now.  I need some sleep.  Hopefully sleep that doesn't involve dreams of violence and darkness.  I'm really tired of not sleeping well.  Maybe I need to reverse my what if thinking.

What if I sleep peacefully with sweet dreams?  What if sleeping brings me a new and better perspective?  What if I'm stronger now than I was last time and this program doesn't trigger me?  What if it isn't glaucoma?  What if the perfect fit job is waiting for him to start immediately after he finishes where he is?  What if it is all so much better than the doubt in my mind right now? 

And in the end, God is still good.  He is still sovereign.  He is still in control and no amount of what if's will ever change that.  Now if I could internalize that a little more right now.......

1 comment:

  1. I am so happy to read your "what if" as I felt so odd in writing my own a while back. This was such a good reminder for me that nothing I can say do or think will change the plans for me. Spot on about internalizing that a bit more...!