My insurance agent made a mistake and didn't switch my bank account on my life insurance when we changed banks. He switched it for my car and home insurance, he didn't get the life insurance policy switched. It lapsed, I realized, I panicked. He told me reinstating it was easy, just fill out these forms.
I fill out said forms which ask questions about physical and mental health within the last 5 years. Well, you can't lie, that is insurance fraud, and I do have things on my medical record that weren't there when I first got my policy. Things like an eating disorder and a stay in the mental hospital. Things like suicidal ideations, Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and PTSD.
Apparently insurance doesn't like those things. They asked more questions. I answered them. Yesterday I received the letter stating that my request for policy reinstatement was denied. I have no life insurance anymore. I am not insurable anymore. And I lost my coverage all because of a clerical error.
I have a myriad of emotions about it. The first was anger. And let's be honest, I'm still pretty hot about it. I felt a little bit of overwhelm. And I also feel a bit like Marshall in the episode of How I Met Your Mother when he is imagining bears jumping out at him in NYC and attacking him. Ok, so that last one makes me laugh so at least when I feel the pit in my stomach growing I can switch gears and laugh for a moment.
One more thing that this eating disorder has taken from me, insurability. I don't know if I'm most angry at my agent for the error, at myself for not catching it sooner, or at Orange for stealing one more thing from me. I'm going to get better. I'm going to prove them wrong.
And now I need to take a deep breath, finish getting ready for work and take this day one step at a time. I will trust myself to my Creator, both physically and emotionally. He sees it all and He is here with me, even here, even without insurance.
Showing posts with label annoyed. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoyed. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Saturday, February 2, 2013
containing the damage? I hope so
I wonder if there really is some amount of truth in the thoughts of genetics playing a role in eating disorders. I mean, it can't all be the crazy messages of false beauty because everyone hears them but not everyone gets trapped in the dark world of eating disorders. Majority of the women that I talk to are trapped by the messages that their bodies are not good enough, pretty enough or small enough. But majority of the women I know do not end up starving themselves or purging their ingested nutrients. Is it possible that like other diseases that there are physical factors that make one more susceptible to an eating disorder?
I have been walking through some big and often scary things with one of my children. I have only one who I worry about as far as food issues go. I have one who has for years now been more sensitive about food, body size and weight than is probably normal or healthy for his age. This is the child who sometimes refuses to eat, claiming he isn't really hungry. This is the child who talks about losing weight. This is the child who talks about one day diets. This is the child who sometimes mentions that he feels a little lighter that day. This is the child who we are specific in not mentioning pants sizes with because he is an average waist size but his brother is a slim sized pant. This is the child who the pediatrician specifically has told me to keep an eye on his habits and behaviors to make sure that if he starts sliding down that path that we can help him before it is too late and he is trapped.
Recently he had a school assignment that involved writing about why healthy breakfast is important. He really struggled with it. As I dug a little deeper I discovered that he doesn't believe that any breakfast is important at all much less healthy breakfast. We read articles online about breakfast. One headline caught his eye about how eating breakfast can help you lose weight. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense. Eating food is what makes you fat." A part of me died when he said that and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.
I helped him look up articles about metabolism, breakfast, fueling the body. We looked at many that were geared directly toward the nutrition that children need to grow and to feed their brains. I could see him finally starting to accept some of the information but that didn't happen until we hit WebMD. That was the only site he was willing to trust somewhat, albeit reluctantly, because actual doctors wrote the articles and did the video interviews. For three hours we read and talked and hung out together discussing what we had learned. He finally had enough of an arsenal that he felt like he could do the assignment.
Later in the kitchen he was writing and he informed me that his friend's parent probably don't know the same information that he had just learned. I asked why and he told me that that these particular parents are on a diet and trying to lose weight. He said that they usually skip breakfast because the other two meals they have planned for the day are too high in calories and they don't want to go over their amount of calories or they won't lose weight.
WHAT?????? Are you freakin kidding me????? Why on earth would you say stuff like that to children? What part of that sounds like information that growing children need to think about? My kids are growing. They NEED the nutrition. Their bones and muscles need to grow and develop. Their brains need to be able to grow, to learn, to be healthy. And all of that includes them EATING. Why do adults talk about their diets to children? Ugh, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach. I'm not blaming them for my son's views on food. I am however annoyed that they fueled a fire that has already been trying to gain ground for a long time now. I know it was unknowingly done, but I still don't understand talking with kids about diets. It is information that they simply do not need, they need to concentrate on growing up not on losing weight.
I'm sure that you know this, I went to bed emotionally drained and at a loss for words that night.
I have been walking through some big and often scary things with one of my children. I have only one who I worry about as far as food issues go. I have one who has for years now been more sensitive about food, body size and weight than is probably normal or healthy for his age. This is the child who sometimes refuses to eat, claiming he isn't really hungry. This is the child who talks about losing weight. This is the child who talks about one day diets. This is the child who sometimes mentions that he feels a little lighter that day. This is the child who we are specific in not mentioning pants sizes with because he is an average waist size but his brother is a slim sized pant. This is the child who the pediatrician specifically has told me to keep an eye on his habits and behaviors to make sure that if he starts sliding down that path that we can help him before it is too late and he is trapped.
Recently he had a school assignment that involved writing about why healthy breakfast is important. He really struggled with it. As I dug a little deeper I discovered that he doesn't believe that any breakfast is important at all much less healthy breakfast. We read articles online about breakfast. One headline caught his eye about how eating breakfast can help you lose weight. He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense. Eating food is what makes you fat." A part of me died when he said that and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.
I helped him look up articles about metabolism, breakfast, fueling the body. We looked at many that were geared directly toward the nutrition that children need to grow and to feed their brains. I could see him finally starting to accept some of the information but that didn't happen until we hit WebMD. That was the only site he was willing to trust somewhat, albeit reluctantly, because actual doctors wrote the articles and did the video interviews. For three hours we read and talked and hung out together discussing what we had learned. He finally had enough of an arsenal that he felt like he could do the assignment.
Later in the kitchen he was writing and he informed me that his friend's parent probably don't know the same information that he had just learned. I asked why and he told me that that these particular parents are on a diet and trying to lose weight. He said that they usually skip breakfast because the other two meals they have planned for the day are too high in calories and they don't want to go over their amount of calories or they won't lose weight.
WHAT?????? Are you freakin kidding me????? Why on earth would you say stuff like that to children? What part of that sounds like information that growing children need to think about? My kids are growing. They NEED the nutrition. Their bones and muscles need to grow and develop. Their brains need to be able to grow, to learn, to be healthy. And all of that includes them EATING. Why do adults talk about their diets to children? Ugh, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach. I'm not blaming them for my son's views on food. I am however annoyed that they fueled a fire that has already been trying to gain ground for a long time now. I know it was unknowingly done, but I still don't understand talking with kids about diets. It is information that they simply do not need, they need to concentrate on growing up not on losing weight.
I'm sure that you know this, I went to bed emotionally drained and at a loss for words that night.
Monday, October 15, 2012
7 almonds a.k.a. screw the new health class
I swear that if I hear one more person tell me that you can only eat 7 almonds for your liver to function properly, that I will scream! If I hear one more conversation in the lunch room about sugar grams, fat grams, appropriate forms of protien, I may pull out all of my hair! But hey, at least I could make bald a new fashion statement, right?
I think that for the next 6 weeks of this stupid health class I will be enjoying lunch anywhere but the lunchroom! Sitting at my desk with my oatmeal and facebook suddenly seems like the best option EVER. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to tell people that sometimes there is such a thing as "too healthy". I want them to know that sometimes people like me take knowledge of health and distort it and use it as a weapon against my body instead of a tool to help my body.
I still read labels. I still refuse certain ingrediants. And I also am trying really hard to balance that with moderation. You know, the kind of moderation that says it is ok if someone brings in cookies to work to have one in spite of the fact that there is no label for me to read. The kind of moderation that that knows that homemade veggie lasagna is still a healthy option, even though it has noodles in it. The kind of moderation that has lacked in my life for a while now.
For the record, work is very orange enabling right now. I could count my almonds like they recommend, or I could trust that my nutritionist knows what she is talking about when she tells me that 1/4 cup is a serving and to not measure or count but instead trust my intuition. My health depends on trusting my nutritionist right now and not letting other voices interfere with the plan that she has laid out for me. That is so much easier to say than to do.
I think that for the next 6 weeks of this stupid health class I will be enjoying lunch anywhere but the lunchroom! Sitting at my desk with my oatmeal and facebook suddenly seems like the best option EVER. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I want to tell people that sometimes there is such a thing as "too healthy". I want them to know that sometimes people like me take knowledge of health and distort it and use it as a weapon against my body instead of a tool to help my body.
I still read labels. I still refuse certain ingrediants. And I also am trying really hard to balance that with moderation. You know, the kind of moderation that says it is ok if someone brings in cookies to work to have one in spite of the fact that there is no label for me to read. The kind of moderation that that knows that homemade veggie lasagna is still a healthy option, even though it has noodles in it. The kind of moderation that has lacked in my life for a while now.
For the record, work is very orange enabling right now. I could count my almonds like they recommend, or I could trust that my nutritionist knows what she is talking about when she tells me that 1/4 cup is a serving and to not measure or count but instead trust my intuition. My health depends on trusting my nutritionist right now and not letting other voices interfere with the plan that she has laid out for me. That is so much easier to say than to do.
Monday, February 6, 2012
damn good mom
I've been off today. I think my girly time is around the corner. I've just been emotional all day long. It's been one of those days where I question and second guess everything that I do. It's been one of those days that I ask God WHY He thinks I'm the perfect person to parent these three angels he entrusted to me. I've been really discouraged as a mom for a few days now. I wonder if I'm ruining my kids beyond repair (ahem, can we say therapy bills?????).
Tonight I took the kids to Chic Fil A for dinner. Another tired mom sat across from me. She had 4 boys. Her older 3 were the exact ages as my 3 boys and then she had a toddler. You could see the tired etched in her face and hear the loneliness in her voice when she struck up a conversation with me. "You have all boys too?" I totally didn't feel like being social. But I also know that look, the one that begs "Please tell me that I'm not the only one who feels like my life is spinning out of control right now!"
We talked for a while. Her husband has been away on business. She was cooped up in the house all weekend during our blizzard with 4 kids and no husband. He used to travel more often. He used to travel to China and would be gone for 3-5 weeks. And this time should have been a breeze because he was only gone 5 days. He comes home tomorrow. She had gotten out of the routine of having him traveling often and this time just seemed overwhelming to her. I had no judgement for this tired mamma making the best of what she had. Our kids played, sometimes beautifully, sometimes needing to be reminded that ninja moves in a tiny play area are not ok because someone will probably get hurt.
While we talked, my baby came out crying. The kid in the red shirt pushed him down and told him he couldn't have a turn on the slide. I looked hesitantly over my shoulder to see her relieved and shaking her head. None of her boys were wearing red, it wasn't her kid. We kept socializing. My middle comes out crying that the boy in the red shirt is calling him a nerd. Yeah, that was the evening. The red shirt bully wouldn't leave them alone. He was either verbally or physically antagonizing them the entire time.
I'm not a politically correct mom. I thought I knew that already but I didn't. In the car on the way home I got the whole story. It involved a plea for niceness, a demand for an apology and finally chasing the red shirt bully down, cornering him and making him kiss one of my kids feet. Now mind you, I had not heard this while it was going on and this was the after news. I had to stifle a laugh to hear my sweet middle son tell this story. He was so animated. My response? Uh, did I mention that I'm not very politically correct? I told him I bet that kid will think twice before he pushes a younger kid down again and I bet he never calls anyone a nerd ever again. Wrong answer?
I didn't think so but I had them retell the story to Hubby just to make sure. I had the benefit of masking my laughter while driving facing away from my kids at night. Hubby no such luck. He tried so hard to keep a straight face. And finally we both cracked and laughed together. So I posted on FB. Less detail. More criticism. I was hurt to tears by the judgement I received. My feelings of the past days must have been right, God was slightly confused when He chose me of all the women in the world to parent these boys. Someone else would have taught them how to react with just words and no smack down. But I was also really hurt that the criticism came from someone who hates when she is criticized by someone who doesn't know all the facts. It would have been easy to judge my fellow mom tonight at the restaurant, but instead I listened to her story. I heard her exhaustion. I heard her questioning if she was doing right by her kids. I could empathize. Why wasn't I given the same kindness I had just given to someone else?
My husband and friends went to battle for me, all so much nicer than I would have been if I had handled it on my own. They defended me without ever attacking her. The evening got better. And then my oldest came up the stairs (he was supposed to be sleeping) just to say, "Mom, I just wanted to tell you that I love you!" And there it hit me.
I am a damn good mom. I love my boys with every fiber of my being and they know it. I won't let them hide behind mean words or hurtful actions. But I will support them when they stand up for themselves and each other. I'm a good enough mom that my kids felt safe in telling me that they had fought back. I'm a good enough mom that even though I had been a little sharp with the kids most of the evening, they still all wanted me to cuddle with them at bedtime and my oldest wanted me to stay to talk for a while. I'm a good enough mom that my kids feel safe enough to tell me when they hate me, they know I'll love them anyway and tell them that it's ok because I love them enough for both of us. I'm a good enough mom because my boys know I'd drop anything to be there for them when they need me. I'm a good enough mom to give consequences, even when it means disciplining me as well (no video games today for such and such behavior hurts me at least as much as them). I'm a good enough mom to follow through on the consequences I do give out. And I'm a good enough mom to say I'm sorry, I was wrong, will your please forgive me when I blow it. I'm a damn good mom and God knew exactly what He was doing when He paired me with these three completely different personalities and asked me to take care of His children for a while. And it took someone pointing to my insufficiencies as a parent for me to be able to see that even though I'm far from perfect, I am indeed a good mom.
Tonight I took the kids to Chic Fil A for dinner. Another tired mom sat across from me. She had 4 boys. Her older 3 were the exact ages as my 3 boys and then she had a toddler. You could see the tired etched in her face and hear the loneliness in her voice when she struck up a conversation with me. "You have all boys too?" I totally didn't feel like being social. But I also know that look, the one that begs "Please tell me that I'm not the only one who feels like my life is spinning out of control right now!"
We talked for a while. Her husband has been away on business. She was cooped up in the house all weekend during our blizzard with 4 kids and no husband. He used to travel more often. He used to travel to China and would be gone for 3-5 weeks. And this time should have been a breeze because he was only gone 5 days. He comes home tomorrow. She had gotten out of the routine of having him traveling often and this time just seemed overwhelming to her. I had no judgement for this tired mamma making the best of what she had. Our kids played, sometimes beautifully, sometimes needing to be reminded that ninja moves in a tiny play area are not ok because someone will probably get hurt.
While we talked, my baby came out crying. The kid in the red shirt pushed him down and told him he couldn't have a turn on the slide. I looked hesitantly over my shoulder to see her relieved and shaking her head. None of her boys were wearing red, it wasn't her kid. We kept socializing. My middle comes out crying that the boy in the red shirt is calling him a nerd. Yeah, that was the evening. The red shirt bully wouldn't leave them alone. He was either verbally or physically antagonizing them the entire time.
I'm not a politically correct mom. I thought I knew that already but I didn't. In the car on the way home I got the whole story. It involved a plea for niceness, a demand for an apology and finally chasing the red shirt bully down, cornering him and making him kiss one of my kids feet. Now mind you, I had not heard this while it was going on and this was the after news. I had to stifle a laugh to hear my sweet middle son tell this story. He was so animated. My response? Uh, did I mention that I'm not very politically correct? I told him I bet that kid will think twice before he pushes a younger kid down again and I bet he never calls anyone a nerd ever again. Wrong answer?
I didn't think so but I had them retell the story to Hubby just to make sure. I had the benefit of masking my laughter while driving facing away from my kids at night. Hubby no such luck. He tried so hard to keep a straight face. And finally we both cracked and laughed together. So I posted on FB. Less detail. More criticism. I was hurt to tears by the judgement I received. My feelings of the past days must have been right, God was slightly confused when He chose me of all the women in the world to parent these boys. Someone else would have taught them how to react with just words and no smack down. But I was also really hurt that the criticism came from someone who hates when she is criticized by someone who doesn't know all the facts. It would have been easy to judge my fellow mom tonight at the restaurant, but instead I listened to her story. I heard her exhaustion. I heard her questioning if she was doing right by her kids. I could empathize. Why wasn't I given the same kindness I had just given to someone else?
My husband and friends went to battle for me, all so much nicer than I would have been if I had handled it on my own. They defended me without ever attacking her. The evening got better. And then my oldest came up the stairs (he was supposed to be sleeping) just to say, "Mom, I just wanted to tell you that I love you!" And there it hit me.
I am a damn good mom. I love my boys with every fiber of my being and they know it. I won't let them hide behind mean words or hurtful actions. But I will support them when they stand up for themselves and each other. I'm a good enough mom that my kids felt safe in telling me that they had fought back. I'm a good enough mom that even though I had been a little sharp with the kids most of the evening, they still all wanted me to cuddle with them at bedtime and my oldest wanted me to stay to talk for a while. I'm a good enough mom that my kids feel safe enough to tell me when they hate me, they know I'll love them anyway and tell them that it's ok because I love them enough for both of us. I'm a good enough mom because my boys know I'd drop anything to be there for them when they need me. I'm a good enough mom to give consequences, even when it means disciplining me as well (no video games today for such and such behavior hurts me at least as much as them). I'm a good enough mom to follow through on the consequences I do give out. And I'm a good enough mom to say I'm sorry, I was wrong, will your please forgive me when I blow it. I'm a damn good mom and God knew exactly what He was doing when He paired me with these three completely different personalities and asked me to take care of His children for a while. And it took someone pointing to my insufficiencies as a parent for me to be able to see that even though I'm far from perfect, I am indeed a good mom.
side effects
Remember when I first started my new medicine and swore that weight gain had to be a side effect, even though my doctor said it wasn't and the rx pamphlet didn't say it either? Well I was right. Last night while trying to find coupons for my name brand prescription, I stumbled across a forum for users of this medicine. Bloating and weight gain was on everyone's list. And now I see why I feel like I look pregnant. GRRRRRRRR.......
Oh and there are other things that I never really thought about being from the medicine. Like I have been very annoyed lately, especially with Hubby. He hasn't done anything wrong. He hasn't done anything any different than he always does. But I find myself feeling frustrated with him ALL THE TIME. Let me tell you how much that sucks! I can't even point a finger and say, "When you did_____ I felt______." He's the best man alive and my best friend and yet I just feel annoyed with him. That doesn't seem very fair. But it isn't just him. I'm getting really annoyed with bad drivers, with rude customers, and back talking youngins in the store. Little things that didn't use to bug me, or if they did is was momentary, are really ruffling my feathers lately.
It isn't supposed to have sexual side effects. My libido is not gone completely, like on other meds I have tried. We are still maintaining a pretty healthy sex life. BUT I'm not having mind blowing, earth shattering orgasms anymore. It's more like, "oh that was nice" but nothing that rocks my world. I just assumed it was the ebb and flow of physical relationships. You know, not every time is going to be earth shattering and that's ok. It wasn't until I started reading in a vast majority of posts that people were still enjoying sex but were experiencing delayed orgasms or orgasms were stopping all together or, like in my case, just getting weaker, that I realized that it has been a really long while since I've had a toe curling, peel me off the ceiling orgasm. Again sorry for tmi, but it is bothering me and on my mind and oh yeah, I have no brain filter and have no problem discussing sex openly. I like those toe curling, peel me off the ceiling orgasms! I miss them! I mentioned this to Hubby, he misses them too.
So my med works on the depression better than any other I've ever tried. It is specifically made for MDD, the first one marketed directly for it. I still feel sad but usually I can push through the sad. I still feel social anxiety but I can manage it. I'm not hopeless like I've been in the past. But I'm also living a very boring, very safe life. I'm always annoyed, I'm not enjoying the full extent of orgasms anymore (I'm sure those have nothing to do with one another ; ) ! ) and I feel fat all the time. Is this really what my life has amounted to? Am I really doomed to wander a mediocre but tolerable existence forever? I guess it is better than a highly depressed, can't pull myself out of bed kind of existence. I just want more from life. Maybe I want too much. Maybe wanting to love my life not just tolerate it is just more than I should dare to ask for?
Oh and there are other things that I never really thought about being from the medicine. Like I have been very annoyed lately, especially with Hubby. He hasn't done anything wrong. He hasn't done anything any different than he always does. But I find myself feeling frustrated with him ALL THE TIME. Let me tell you how much that sucks! I can't even point a finger and say, "When you did_____ I felt______." He's the best man alive and my best friend and yet I just feel annoyed with him. That doesn't seem very fair. But it isn't just him. I'm getting really annoyed with bad drivers, with rude customers, and back talking youngins in the store. Little things that didn't use to bug me, or if they did is was momentary, are really ruffling my feathers lately.
**TMI ALERT! If you don't want to hear about my sex life, skip this next paragraph!**
It isn't supposed to have sexual side effects. My libido is not gone completely, like on other meds I have tried. We are still maintaining a pretty healthy sex life. BUT I'm not having mind blowing, earth shattering orgasms anymore. It's more like, "oh that was nice" but nothing that rocks my world. I just assumed it was the ebb and flow of physical relationships. You know, not every time is going to be earth shattering and that's ok. It wasn't until I started reading in a vast majority of posts that people were still enjoying sex but were experiencing delayed orgasms or orgasms were stopping all together or, like in my case, just getting weaker, that I realized that it has been a really long while since I've had a toe curling, peel me off the ceiling orgasm. Again sorry for tmi, but it is bothering me and on my mind and oh yeah, I have no brain filter and have no problem discussing sex openly. I like those toe curling, peel me off the ceiling orgasms! I miss them! I mentioned this to Hubby, he misses them too.
So my med works on the depression better than any other I've ever tried. It is specifically made for MDD, the first one marketed directly for it. I still feel sad but usually I can push through the sad. I still feel social anxiety but I can manage it. I'm not hopeless like I've been in the past. But I'm also living a very boring, very safe life. I'm always annoyed, I'm not enjoying the full extent of orgasms anymore (I'm sure those have nothing to do with one another ; ) ! ) and I feel fat all the time. Is this really what my life has amounted to? Am I really doomed to wander a mediocre but tolerable existence forever? I guess it is better than a highly depressed, can't pull myself out of bed kind of existence. I just want more from life. Maybe I want too much. Maybe wanting to love my life not just tolerate it is just more than I should dare to ask for?
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Um, yeah, can't postpone feeling until after Thanksgiving afterall
Tonight on the way to work, those feelings hit me full force. Yeah, those yucky ones I haven't known what to do with. Yep, those are the ones. My anger actually graduated to rage for all of a few minutes, but then I arrived at work and had to pull myself together. I don't know if that raging moment felt unbelievably good or if it felt absolutely terrifying!
I did the good girl thing I always do. I pushed the feelings back and settled for just plain grumpy and annoyed. My body feels very awkward to me. I feel like the pounds are packing on around my middle. My clothes all feel uncomfortable to my body. My son got in trouble at school today. A professor was rude to me tonight at work. I had other customers who were thoughtless tonight. I came home to 2 of my kids still awake and had to put them to bed. I ran a hot bubble bath but ran out of hot water before I realized it so my bath was warm not hot. And throw in what seems like PMS symptoms and you have my night.
I'm so hungry. The tiger is clawing at my tender insides (read this amazing post from Jenn, you'll understand what I am saying) but the pain won't let me give in. How long will this hurt? I feel like every time I get through one hard thing, within days something new comes up in my heart. I have a day, maybe two where I can breathe, then WHAM something else hits my heart and mind full force. I'm tired of feeling like I always whine. I'm tired of feeling like orange is winning, or at least that she is not losing. I hate the days of feeling hungry and not being able to give in. I much prefer those handfuls of healthy days or even the days when I'm just sick, no hunger, no arguing with myself, and no guilt.
It is a sad day when my desire is to still be sick so that I wouldn't have to hear the dialog in my head.
I did the good girl thing I always do. I pushed the feelings back and settled for just plain grumpy and annoyed. My body feels very awkward to me. I feel like the pounds are packing on around my middle. My clothes all feel uncomfortable to my body. My son got in trouble at school today. A professor was rude to me tonight at work. I had other customers who were thoughtless tonight. I came home to 2 of my kids still awake and had to put them to bed. I ran a hot bubble bath but ran out of hot water before I realized it so my bath was warm not hot. And throw in what seems like PMS symptoms and you have my night.
I'm so hungry. The tiger is clawing at my tender insides (read this amazing post from Jenn, you'll understand what I am saying) but the pain won't let me give in. How long will this hurt? I feel like every time I get through one hard thing, within days something new comes up in my heart. I have a day, maybe two where I can breathe, then WHAM something else hits my heart and mind full force. I'm tired of feeling like I always whine. I'm tired of feeling like orange is winning, or at least that she is not losing. I hate the days of feeling hungry and not being able to give in. I much prefer those handfuls of healthy days or even the days when I'm just sick, no hunger, no arguing with myself, and no guilt.
It is a sad day when my desire is to still be sick so that I wouldn't have to hear the dialog in my head.
Monday, November 14, 2011
feeling betrayed
Maybe it shouldn't bug me. Shouldn't bother me at all.
but. it. does.
None of my business if they want to remain friends. Doesn't affect my life. Doesn't mean I have to be friends with them.
so why does this hurt like hell? why do I feel so betrayed?
maybe it is none of my business, but I still feel like I just don't matter to them as much as what others think of them does. Others opinions and keeping up a good appearance matters more than I do. It always has. I should be used to it by now.
sadly. I. am. not.
but. it. does.
None of my business if they want to remain friends. Doesn't affect my life. Doesn't mean I have to be friends with them.
so why does this hurt like hell? why do I feel so betrayed?
maybe it is none of my business, but I still feel like I just don't matter to them as much as what others think of them does. Others opinions and keeping up a good appearance matters more than I do. It always has. I should be used to it by now.
sadly. I. am. not.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
things that annoy me
- teenage girls running through Target, yelling across the store at each other, pushing each other in the cart, yelling some more, laughing louder than anyone should physically be able to laugh and then thinking they are cool for shouting spells from Harry Potter. Have I ever mentioned how glad I am to no longer be a teenager?
- though I am pro-life and not ashamed of that stance, I find it unacceptable to see 5 ft tall signs with pictures of aborted babies on the corner of very busy intersection where my kids and other kids could see. Thankfully that trip the kids weren't in the car and were not exposed to the gruesome pictures that I was exposed to.
- people texting during movies. Seriously? Why would you pay the money to see a movie on opening day only to spend 1/4 of the movie checking your phone and responding to the messager? And seriously, who would want to pay attention to their phone with Harry Potter 7.2 playing????
- my neighbor kids who were wondering if we had any fireworks to sell at our garage sale. Uh, no, they are illegal here! And then that they found some from somewhere and have been setting them off for the past 2 days.
- the customer service at McDonald's. I had to return a Redbox rental anyway so I was ordering something for hubby. I looked up at the menu and asked a question. No response. I asked again. Then he says, "Yo, what do you want already?" Taken aback that he spoke to me like that I looked at him to see it was not me he was talking to but rather he had answered his cell phone WHILE I WAS ORDERING! I informed him that he was rude and I was taking my business elsewhere. Hubby got Arby's instead.
- Children on my street who have no regard for cars and dash in front of your car as you are backing out or driving down the street. One was almost hit last month. The child yelled at the car who had to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting the child who appeared from nowhere in front of his car. (Is it really bad that hubby and I privately call the 2 little girls who are the absolute worst about street safety, the suicide twins?)
- busting our backsides to have a garage sale that only brought in $40. Um, can you say Goodwill pickup?
- the friend of my kids who we see regularly who brings out the worst in my middle child and I spend a good portion of my day breaking up fights
- when my kids play Lego Pirates on my progress and buy characters instead of letting me save up my studs to buy the big things that will actually help in the game. (I'm not a video game junkie, just Lego Pirates and Lego Harry Potter!)
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