child of God, wife, mother, recovering anorexic who longs to see the beauty in herself that she sees in the world around her

Monday, February 6, 2012

side effects

Remember when I first started my new medicine and swore that weight gain had to be a side effect, even though my doctor said it wasn't and the rx pamphlet didn't say it either?  Well I was right.  Last night while trying to find coupons for my name brand prescription, I stumbled across a forum for users of this medicine.  Bloating and weight gain was on everyone's list.  And now I see why I feel like I look pregnant.  GRRRRRRRR.......

Oh and there are other things that I never really thought about being from the medicine. Like I have been very annoyed lately, especially with Hubby.  He hasn't done anything wrong.  He hasn't done anything any different than he always does.  But I find myself feeling frustrated with him ALL THE TIME.  Let me tell you how much that sucks!  I can't even point a finger and say, "When you did_____ I felt______."  He's the best man alive and my best friend and yet I just feel annoyed with him.  That doesn't seem very fair.  But it isn't just him.  I'm getting really annoyed with bad drivers, with rude customers, and back talking youngins in the store.  Little things that didn't use to bug me, or if they did is was momentary, are really ruffling my feathers lately.

**TMI ALERT! If you don't want to hear about my sex life, skip this next paragraph!**
 It isn't supposed to have sexual side effects.  My libido is not gone completely, like on other meds I have tried.  We are still maintaining a pretty healthy sex life.  BUT I'm not having mind blowing, earth shattering orgasms anymore.  It's more like, "oh that was nice" but nothing that rocks my world.  I just assumed it was the ebb and flow of physical relationships.  You know, not every time is going to be earth shattering and that's ok.  It wasn't until I started reading in a vast majority of posts that people were still enjoying sex but were experiencing delayed orgasms or orgasms were stopping all together or,  like in my case, just getting weaker, that I realized that it has been a really long while since I've had a toe curling, peel me off the ceiling orgasm.  Again sorry for tmi, but it is bothering me and on my mind and oh yeah, I have no brain filter and have no problem discussing sex openly.  I like those toe curling, peel me off the ceiling orgasms!  I miss them!  I mentioned this to Hubby, he misses them too.

So my med works on the depression better than any other I've ever tried.  It is specifically made for MDD, the first one marketed directly for it.  I still feel sad but usually I can push through the sad.  I still feel social anxiety but I can manage it.  I'm not hopeless like I've been in the past.  But I'm also living a very boring, very safe life.  I'm always annoyed, I'm not enjoying the full extent of orgasms anymore (I'm sure those have nothing to do with one another ; ) ! )  and I feel fat all the time.  Is this really what my life has amounted to?  Am I really doomed to wander a mediocre but tolerable existence forever?  I guess it is better than a highly depressed, can't pull myself out of bed kind of existence.  I just want more from life.  Maybe I want too much.  Maybe wanting to love my life not just tolerate it is just more than I should dare to ask for?

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