I have mentioned recently that I am noticing the healthy thoughts getting louder. I'm back at a healthy pre-relapse weight. I'm usually engaging in healthy behaviors rather than disordered behaviors. To the outsider, I don't look the part of someone recovering from an eating disorder. Even to my friends, I look healthy and therefore most people think that the eating disorder has gone away.
Sometime the noise in my head gets loud though. Sometimes I look healthy but my mind is screaming inside of me for relief. It has been one of those times this past week. Like the day I ended up wearing an extra tank top when I met up with friends simply because I was unsatisfied when I looked in the mirror so I was trying to hide my body. There was also the shorts day. Oh my, the shorts day.
My shorts that I have fit in for the last 2 summers have been too tight this summer. Yes, I know, that is a good thing. But it doesn't feel like a good thing. It doesn't feel good to realize that pre-relapse weight also means another clothing size bigger. I've settled it by not wearing shorts rather than buying new clothes. But this weekend was hot and my friend had given me a pair so I decided to wear them. They were a bit too big but too big is better than too small and they were just long enough to cover the space on my thighs that touches again. But my body felt clunky in them. I felt like the hips were huge and the thighs accentuated. How on earth do women wear shorts and not feel like I did that day????? I applaud you if that is you.
Yesterday I changed clothes 7 times before I finally realized that the problem was the mirror not the clothes. And then after realizing that, I still changed 2 more times.
The healthy days are regular and beginning to feel consistent, which is nice. But that doesn't mean the disorder is completely gone either. Days like yesterday take every ounce of my strength, lots of prayer support and truly God's grace to hold on to my recovery. It is awkward to still struggle when I look like I'm all better. It is frustrating to fight what is a now an invisible battle.
I'm doing better. I'm still recovering though and it is hard to remember that I still need help, that I still need to give myself grace and that recovery is a journey not a quick fix.