containing the damage? I hope so

I wonder if there really is some amount of truth in the thoughts of genetics playing a role in eating disorders.  I mean, it can't all be the crazy messages of false beauty because everyone hears them but not everyone gets trapped in the dark world of eating disorders.  Majority of the women that I talk to are trapped by the messages that their bodies are not good enough, pretty enough or small enough.   But majority of the women I know do not end up starving themselves or purging their ingested nutrients.  Is it possible that like other diseases that there are physical factors that make one more susceptible to an eating disorder?

I have been walking through some big and often scary things with one of my children.  I have only one who I worry about as far as food issues go.  I have one who has for years now been more sensitive about food, body size and weight than is probably normal or healthy for his age.  This is the child who sometimes refuses to eat, claiming he isn't really hungry.  This is the child who talks about losing weight.  This is the child who talks about one day diets.  This is the child who sometimes mentions that he feels a little lighter that day.  This is the child who we are specific in not mentioning pants sizes with because he is an average waist size but his brother is a slim sized pant.  This is the child who the pediatrician specifically has told me to keep an eye on his habits and behaviors to make sure that if he starts sliding down that path that we can help him before it is too late and he is trapped.

Recently he had a school assignment that involved writing about why healthy breakfast is important.  He really struggled with it.  As I dug a little deeper I discovered that he doesn't believe that any breakfast is important at all much less healthy breakfast.  We read articles online about breakfast.  One headline caught his eye about how eating breakfast can help you lose weight.  He looked me dead in the eye and said, "Mom, that doesn't even make sense.  Eating food is what makes you fat."  A part of me died when he said that and I knew I had a lot of work ahead of me.

I helped him look up articles about metabolism, breakfast, fueling the body.  We looked at many that were geared directly toward the nutrition that children need to grow and to feed their brains.  I could see him finally starting to accept some of the information but that didn't happen until we hit WebMD.  That was the only site he was willing to trust somewhat, albeit reluctantly, because actual doctors wrote the articles and did the video interviews.  For three hours we read and talked and hung out together discussing what we had learned.  He finally had enough of an arsenal that he felt like he could do the assignment.

Later in the kitchen he was writing and he informed me that his friend's parent probably don't know the same information that he had just learned.  I asked why and he told me that that these particular parents are on a diet and trying to lose weight.  He said that they usually skip breakfast because the other two meals they have planned for the day are too high in calories and they don't want to go over their amount of calories or they won't lose weight. 

WHAT?????? Are you freakin kidding me?????  Why on earth would you say stuff like that to children?  What part of that sounds like information that growing children need to think about?  My kids are growing.  They NEED the nutrition.  Their bones and muscles need to grow and develop.  Their brains need to be able to grow, to learn, to be healthy.  And all of that includes them EATING.  Why do adults talk about their diets to children?  Ugh, it made me feel a little sick to my stomach. I'm not blaming them for my son's views on food.  I am however annoyed that they fueled a fire that has already been trying to gain ground for a long time now.  I know it was unknowingly done, but I still don't understand talking with kids about diets.  It is information that they simply do not need, they need to concentrate on growing up not on losing weight.

I'm sure that you know this, I went to bed emotionally drained and at a loss for words that night.

mind-maker-upper wanted

My house is quiet.  Hubby isn't feeling well and dozed off a couple of hours ago.  My kids are finally all in bed for the night.  And now I'm torn on what to do with myself.  Two of my very dear girlfriends are hanging out all night watching Twilight movies and just chilling.  They called and asked me to join.  I could.  Hubby even said I could stay the night and hang out if I would so like.

I would like to.  But I also have a quiet house and I kinda want to curl up in my sweatpants and grab a good book.  I've been a pretty lousy friend lately.  I haven't reached out much.  I want to go hang out and it would be good for my friendships for me to hang out.  I also don't want to leave the house.  I don't want to make the 20 minute drive in the dark.  I don't think I really want to stay the night over there which means I need to take the drive home into consideration as well. 

Am I making excuses?  I know I'll have fun if I get off my bum and go.  I'm also freakin exhausted and don't want to work up the energy to get off my bum.  And now is the time that I wish I had a commitment one way or the other.  I suck at making decisions, even more so when both options sound wonderful.  If my family needed me to be here it would be a no brainer.  If I had already planned this and my friends were 100% expecting me, it would be a no brainer.  But neither NEEDS me and I want both.  I need a mind-maker-upper.  Anyone know where they sell such a thing? 

depression and recent observations

I'm really struggling right now. Depression has creeped into every inch of my soul. I want to be ok, but I'm not.  I have to keep putting one foot in front of the other but right now it is incredibly hard.  I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. I find myself praying on the way to the work that the chit chat is minimal and the phones are quiet just so that I don't have to talk to anyone.

On another note, I've been observing people a lot lately.  I've had questions. My friend and I have been discussing what is beautiful.  Like for instance the photo below.....


Once being curvy was a sign of wealth, it meant you could afford food.  Now being curvy is seen as a disgrace.  Why?  When did being a walking skeleton become better than looking like a woman?


I'm not any different.  I think those skinny gals look amazing.  I envy them.  Until I see Keira next to Marilyn.  And then I wonder where we went wrong as a society.  Marilyn Monroe must be the sexiest woman in history and by today's standards she would be a plus sized model and second class to the likes of Heidi Klum, Kate Hudson, Keira Knightly.  Why?

My friend posted this old advertisement.....


My friend made the comment that the skinny girl in the ad, looks miserable and hungry.  How true. My lament was that now we are trying to lose those same 10-25 pounds that women 50 years ago were trying to gain.  It isn't about being healthy, it's about being skinny.  If it were about being healthy, we wouldn't be afraid of carbs or every single calorie.  We would be balanced and sometimes chocolate cake would be ok.  We would eat real food and we would look like women not sticks.

And another thought.  Why are we as women so obsessed with getting the pre-pregnancy body back?  Nothing about our lives is the same as before pregnancy, why do we expect our bodies to be the same?  Why do we expect the body of a 12 year old instead of the body of a woman?  Why are we so damn afraid of curves?

Better question, why am I so damn afraid?  I see the walking skeletons, I don't think they are gorgeous.  But I still end up envying them.  I struggle to eat because I'm depressed and food seems so trivial right now.  I have found myself not even getting hungry and eating simply because oh yeah, it's 2 o'clock and I haven't eaten anything yet.  I just don't care.

I'm trying to care.  I'm trying to hang in there.  But really I want to crawl under a big rock and not come out.  I want to hide.  And I just want to sleep for a million bajillion years.  I'll be ok, I always am.  I've noticed a pattern, it is always worse in summer and near Christmas.  It will get better.  I'm ready for it to get better now.

Sorry if I rambled.  I'm tired and over it.  That is usually the best time to write to clear my head but also the worst because I verbally vomit all over the place. 

lunchroom chronicles

I'm trying so hard and I'm so tired.  Office lunch hour I must figure out how to do healthily.  After 2 days of being able to skip the whole horrible affair, today I tested the waters again.  At first it was manageable with the anxiety not being overwhelming.  I made sure to sit with the 2 ladies who were in the lunchroom.  After all, my job is with a Christian ministry and much of my job revolves around cultivating relationships.

Shortly before my lunch time ended, several other ladies came into the lunchroom.  Someone pointed out that everyone had a salad for lunch.  I had already finished, but boy was I glad that I had brought salad, wouldn't want anyone to think poorly of me based on my lunch choices.  And then it started, fat talk.  Diet talk.  I'm not good enough just the way I am talk.

"Are you doing THE diet again?"  "Yeah, but only for ten days."  "I need to do IT again."  "You shouldn't do it, you are supposed to be training and you need the extra protein and calories."  "I'm just going to do it for swimsuit season and then get back to training."  "Yeah, I'm doing it too, I need to lose about 10 more pounds."

The talk was swirling around in my brain and I just wanted to scream "STOP" and run from the room and hide.  I guess I had hoped that working in this office, though filled with women, would be different from other places.  I thought a place of ministry would be my refuge from the storm of orange inside of me.  I so wanted a shelter from the storm, a safe place, a place where orange would be easier to keep at bay.

I guess it turns out that women are women and we all battle this perfect body bullcrap, even in places that should be safe.  My anxiety skyrockets just thinking about lunch tomorrow.  Do I eat at my desk, like I did on Monday, just to avoid the triggering conversation?  Do I keep trying to make friends and build bridges and eat in that lunchroom? 

I've had a hard time wanting to eat anyway but I have been putting one foot in front of the other, making myself stay present and in the moment, and making the choice to eat anyway.  Everything in my head is screaming at me.  I want to say that the voices aren't bothering me, but I'd be lying.  The diet talk in the lunchroom has my head spinning.  I'm wondering what food games will be played here and wondering how I can minimize their damage to a firm and yet very shaky recovery place.

it's like a really bad cold

Have you ever had a cold that you just can't shake.  Day after day the coughing, sniffling, headache keep coming.  There are days that the cold saps every ounce of energy you could possibly have and you lie in a heap on your couch with a box of tissue and try to will yourself up to do ANYTHING.  There are days you have a burst of energy and grocery shop, clean the kitchen and tackle the laundry.  At the end of the day you're exhausted and realize that maybe it was a bit much to try to handle with an impaired immune system but you DID it, you tackled your day.  Some days it just slows you down.  You still accomplish a bit but have to sit often to recoup or to cough up a lung. 

Sometimes you feel the cold coming on and you start getting extra rest and extra vitamin c in your system.  Sometimes those preventive measures help and you don't get knock down, drag out sick.  Sometimes it doesn't matter how much prevention you have done, you still get hit with the full force of the bug and it incapacitates you for any length of time. 

A couple of years ago I got swine flu.  Talk about a NASTY sickness.  It came on so suddenly.  I went from a scratchy throat to a raging fever and aching body in less than 12 hours.  The fever hit quickly.  I was in the waiting room at the hospital to hear how my dad-in-laws surgery had gone when I realized I felt like I was on fire and my head was feeling heavy.  Hubby confirmed that I needed to leave the hospital and not see dad because I was definitely running a fever.  No amount of prep could have stopped the sickness that raged in my body during that time.  After the fever and aches had gone, they left my body with a deep, consistent and painful cough.  The doctor told me it could take 12 weeks for the cough to leave.  Twelve weeks?  That is THREE MONTHS!  I was coughing for about 9 weeks.  I was weaker than normal and easily tired.  And do you know what?  Not one person told me to just get over it.

Depression is a lot like having a cold that just won't go away.  There are days that it kicks my butt and I lie on my couch willing myself to get up and do something but I can't.  There are days when I feel good.  I'm motivated and get a bunch done but go to bed so completely exhausted and wonder if maybe I overdid it.  There are days that it slows me down but I can push through it.  Unless you have dealt with the depths of depression, you will never fully understand how crippling it can be.  Yet I hear so often that someone struggling should just get over it.  If it were that easy, those of us who deal with depression would leap for joy and never be under its crushing weight again!

No one has ever told someone to just get over a cold.  No one says just get over diabetes, cystic fibrosis or cancer.  Why are unseen diseases different?  Why are depression and chronic fatigue diseases that that people should just get over?  The truth is that though the medication I'm on right now helps more than any of the others I've tried, it doesn't cure depression.  Thinking positive thoughts doesn't cure depression.  Wanting to be no longer depressed doesn't cure depression. And while there are things that help make it more bearable, and times that it isn't crushing my body and soul, I have never seen an actual cure for depression. 

This weekend my depression has manifest in sheer exhaustion.  Even thinking about doing something had me longing for a nap.  I don't feel sad.  It isn't an emotion right now, it is a physical sensation much equivalent to the exhaustion I experienced while my body recovered from swine flu.  My whole body feels heavy.  I just want to sleep for days upon end.  And believe me, I do want to "just get over it" but it doesn't work that way. 

narrator in my head

I have had so much on my mind lately and even though I narrate it in my head, I haven't had the attention span or energy to write.  **on a side note, does anyone else narrate their day in their head as if it were a novel to be read?  That's how I always know it's time to write, when my head sounds like sentences, paragraphs and chapters.**

There have been some good days and bad days since the funeral last week.  Hubby called me out one day on not eating.  I thought he hadn't noticed but he had.  Apparently no matter how much I think I can hide it, my body still gives off cues that things are not right.  Like I guess my breath gets sour when I haven't eaten.  Now who would know that but the one who kisses you every day?  Deep down, I think I'm glad he notices those things.  Sometimes it just ticks me off though.  Sometimes I wish there were no one to care enough to save me from myself.  It was so much easier to destroy myself before there was love. 

But I have people who love me.  And I have people I love.  I have been so shaken that Cousin left a widow and 3 not even school age kids behind.  They need him but he isn't there.  It will be Grandpa who teaches the boys how to shave and build and camp.  It will be Mamma who teaches the girl what to look for in a husband and how to be treated by a boy.  It makes me realize how much my own little family needs me.  It makes me realize how selfish my desire to just fade away and become nothing really is.  When slapped with the reality of what having a parent gone looks like, I am thankful that I have people to bring me back down to earth to be here for my family.

I still have plenty of thoughts swirling around in my brain but this is as much as I can articulate right now.  It has been a battle to not let the depression enclose me.  It is there, right on the edge of my consciousness, but hasn't completely overtaken me.  I have to keep fighting.  But I am tired.  Tired of fighting to feel normal, whatever that is.

finding strength

Grief is draining.  I feel physically and emotionally exhausted, as though I have nothing left to give.

But I know that isn't true.  Today, I gave my husband comfort, even though I knew I had nothing to give.  Tonight I gave my friend advice when she stopped by my work for a little bit, even though I knew I had nothing left to give.  Right now I am giving my youngest attention because he woke up and can't fall back asleep, even though I'm exhausted and have nothing more to give.

I feel like I have nothing in my reservoir to dip from.  And yet I know that somewhere deep inside, there is strength.  There is strength to wake up in the morning.  There is strength to fix my kids breakfast and get them to school.  There is strength to be there for my Hubby as he grieves.  There is strength that let me eat this week, even though it hasn't been quite enough or at all what I've wanted to do.

My cup still needs to be filled but I'm finding unknown strength in the midst of grief.  I had dreams all night about the casket being lowered into the ground.  Some of the dreams it was cousin's casket, some of them it was Hubby, some of them it was my dad-in-law and some of them I wasn't sure who was being lowered into the ground.  The finality of watching the casket of someone as it drops into the ground is disheartening and devastating.  It feels in that moment that you will drop to your knees in the weakness of grief and never be able to stand.  And yet somehow I found the strength to hold Aunt's shaking hand and walk her back to the limo.  Somehow I found the strength to hug Cousin's widow and apologize for letting the distance of 45 minutes be an excuse for letting our relationship with family slide to a back burner.

My body feels heavy with the weight of exhaustion and grief.  I am amazed at how tiring crying really is.  And emotionally, I'm spent!

lies I tell and other nonsense

so much on my mind.  and yet I find myself inspired to write based on something else I read.

things I miss:

• a batch of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies
• comfort foods
• telling the love of my life what is really going on

things I long for:

• days with no alarm clock (thank God that my boys are nearly on winter break!)
• no responsibility at all
• finding joy in things that I know bring me joy but I don't feel right now
• to be able to eat ONE Christmas cookie this year and to not experience guilt with that cookie

And yet I lie.  I saw some friends I hadn't seen in months.  I said I was doing great.  I'm not.  One asked how food was going, I told her fine.  I ordered food, everyone was watching to see if I would.  I even commented on how I couldn't wait for the food to get there.  But that wasn't true, it was for the benefit of those around me.  It worked, they were thrilled to hear me say that.  One of them continued asking me if I was eating.  I finally became a smart ass and smiled and said, "Well, I figure once every 4 days is pretty good progress."  Another lie, but at least that one was funny, or at least the look on her face was.

I even lie to hubby.  Tell him I'm doing fine.  All the while hiding the fact that I'm far from fine.  He caught me today.  He saw the longing look I gave Jimmy John's last night when we drove past.  He suggested it today since he knew I'd been wanting it.  I told him Chipotle would be better.  He's too observant.  He wanted to know how long it had been since I'd had a sandwich.  And then why.  I cringed and told him in one word.  "Bread."  He took me out for sandwiches.  I was still hungry when I stopped but I told him I was full.  More than half of my sandwich went to waste.  That seems like such a shame.  I passed a sign today that talked about how many people in Colorado struggle with hunger.  And I felt like the supreme jack ass for CHOOSING to struggle with hunger.

I want to hide.  I want to not have to lie.  I'm just so very tired.  I'm even ready for December to be over when Hubby will notice even quicker when I'm not taking care of myself.  Mostly, because I'm just ready to be taken care of and I know he will.  I lie and yet wish for my husband to see through my lie.  I guess maybe not all hope is lost after all, if I wish for someone to not buy my lie.

round 3

Well, the score is cooties-3, my kids-0.  Yesterday the vomiting hit my oldest and tonight it hit my youngest.  At least it is a short lived bug. 

If you think of me tonight, feel free to offer up a prayer for strength!  Three nights in a row of being up with sick kids could make for a fun/challenging weekend. 

In the lineup for our weekend:

• girls night out with old friends
• Karl Mecklenberg autograph session
• Santa photos
• Broncos vs. Patriots date with the Mister!  (We were excited to get these tix anyway but with the way Tebow is playing now, um yeah, it's gonna at least be worth watching!)

Hoping to survive the weekend without drowning my sorrows in gallons of coffee :)

my house is a cootie factory :(

My head and throat hurt really badly.  Blah.  I hate not feeling good.  And it is worse because my middle child is not feeling good either.  He is awake, throwing up.  Fast times at cootie high.

I understand the drill sergeant, task master that orange can be.  She's been beating me up pretty badly lately.  I couldn't stand up to her tonight at a Christmas party so she won and I had only coffee.  I was too scared to even eat the fresh strawberries.  Lame.

I had an interesting conversation with my mom today.  And when I say interesting, I really mean disturbing.  I need to process.  I am annoyed with her but even more so a little concerned at her ready acceptance of all things with out cross referencing her sources.  Pretty sure my head would have exploded if I hadn't had to cut the conversation short to go pick up my son from school.

And I got an update on my niece.  She is still at the hospital because she has refused to go home.  She said if she goes home, she will just run away because she will not live with her step mom.  So since she is a minor, they are keeping her, meeting with a social worker and trying to figure out what to do.  You know it is bad when you are halfway hoping that she will become a ward of the state so they will pay for her to go to the home for troubled girls (at least for a few more months until she turns 18). 

I'm very weary tonight. I'm feeling crappy.  I'm awake taking care of a sick kid though I'd love to be in bed myself right now.  I'm worried about my niece. I'm just weary.  I just want to sleep and sleep and sleep. 

tired and isolated

I'm tired.  Seems to be the constant song of my life.  But this time it isn't exhaustion that wipes me out.  This time it is emotional.  I feel like I've been isolating.  I want to be with my friends, but I don't want to go through the emotional (and physical) energy that it takes.  I really love people and I really have good intentions.  But I find myself not returning phone calls.  I've been skittish about setting exact times to get together with people.  What if the time I set up comes and I don't feel like getting together?  Then I'd have to spend my day acting or think of a good excuse to not go.  And quite frankly that sounds like too much energy.  My kids want to have play dates and I've been trying to get one together for 2 months now but never end up emailing the mom back when she suggests a time.

I can get together with one friend.  I know that I don't have to fake it.  I know that if I'm feeling non social, we can just sit and its ok.  My son adores her daughter too so that makes it easier as well.  But aside from seeing her I find myself backing out of going places more often than not right now.  Even talking on the phone seems like a chore.  I have a friend who I try to catch up with on the phone weekly, or at least close to weekly.  I love talking to her but right now I just don't know what to say so it feels kinda weird to talk on the phone.  I'm glad she has a lot going on right now so we can chat about her.  (sorry, Love.  I hope you know I love you and this is all about me and being a dork not about not enjoying your company. You remain among my top favorite people even though I'm freakin insane right now!)

I don't want to expend the energy to go to the store and buy milk.  I'm tired.  I don't feel like leaving my house but I don't really enjoy being in my house either.  I am sitting here blogging rather than making my kids lunches for tomorrow simply because I don't feel like doing it.  I can tell my anti-depressant is helping.  I don't feel hopeless.  But I wish there were a drug that did more than ease depression but actually made it better.  It may be out there but with the many I've tried, I have yet to find it!

I'm trying to see through the eyes of grace and be gentle with myself (Jenn, that is in honor of you while you are on vacation and not commenting regularly to be gentle with myself!) but it is hard.  I just want to survive.  And for someone who adores Christmas more than anything, it sucks to feel like I want to just. make. it. through. Christmas.  Good night tired world, I'll be back soon.  Hopefully with something better to say.

something worth recovering for

God must have known I needed encouragement.  My little guy "had-ed a bad dweam" and only Mommy's arms seem to make it better.  Isn't he worth the pain of recovery?  Isn't he worth working through the crap so he can have his mommy healthy?

difficult conversations

Boss Man J is Hubby's boss.  Over the time of working together they have become really close friends.  Saturday I sent Boss Man J a text.

Hubby said he's worried about me but hasn't said anything beyond that.  How worried is he?  How much of his stress is worry for me and how much is the stressful upcoming work week?

This message sparked an hour long texting conversation.

He's worried about you and your middle child and money and work. 
I wish I could make me better so I wouldn't have to be one of the things he is worried about.
Dawn, that man loves you and his family more than most people realize. And I think he feels such a strong sense that he has to provide and protect his family that when something is out of his control, he doesn't know what to do.
I know.  I feel just as out of control and I am just as scared as he is.
Is everything ok?


Well the conversation went on like that for a while.  Boss Man J asked me to not keep big stuff from Hubby.  Hubby being concerned about me has started to effect his work performance, minimally but nonetheless it is still taking some of his concentration off of his job.  The conversation was basically, DO ME A FAVOR AND JUST TALK TO THE GUY!  HE REALLY WANTS TO HELP YOU AND DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO!

So I did.  Saturday night Hubby and I sat down and I told him what had triggered me and why.  It took 10 minutes just to get the words out of my mouth.  I told Hubby some of the details of the abuse that I haven't ever talked about, even in my journal.  He is AMAZING!  He told me I'm a fighter.  I laughed at him.  "Tell me who you were dating 15 years ago."  I answered the boy I gave my heart to but then I realized it was the abusive boy who I was engaged to.  "Yeah, people who aren't fighters don't have the strength to get out of those relationships.  If you weren't a fighter you would have married him or even the other boy who used you for your body and to look good on his arm.  You wouldn't have waited for a man who would die for you without hesitation if you weren't a fighter."

He was there for me, loved me and comforted me.  And then he kicked my butt.  "How does not eating help?" Well that's easy to answer.  When I'm not eating I have something physical, something tangible to put my energy into so I don't really have to focus on the emotional.  And here is why he is a great husband...... "Well, when you don't eat your emotions go more haywire.  And then you don't sleep because your emotions are haywire.  And then you don't want to eat because your emotions are haywire.  It is a vicious cycle.  I know it is hard and it hurts but I need you to eat.  I don't ever want to bring our kids to the mental hospital to visit their mom again and when you don't eat or sleep, that is how you spiral to the point of being in the hospital."

So as a promise to my husband, I am to be in bed by midnight and eat 3 times a day (minimum).  He said even if I just need to eat "and".  Huh?  You know yogurt AND a string cheese.  Or apples AND peanut butter.  I hate doing it.  But I love him.  I hate that I made that promise.  It is hard to keep.  And it keeps me in the present instead of letting me check out so I am very aware of the pain.  I want to check out.  I do not like feeling this! Right now if feels like the pain will never go away, that I will be forever trapped in the sea of overwhelming emotions.  I have a great man beside me encouraging me to feel,  to do the work it takes to get better.

I hate food!  I know I am not eating enough but I am keeping my promise and eating SOMETHING. I'm grateful for Hubby who wants me to get better not just get over it.  I'm grateful for the friend who knew I needed a break and took me out for girl time yesterday while her husband watched the kids.  I'm grateful for the friend who talked with me on the phone for 2 hours last night.  I grateful for people holding my arms up right now because I really am tired of fighting and don't know that I could make it without them.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of having to fight.  I just want to lay down and give up but I have people who love me enough to not let me.

full moon

I pulled out of the parking garage at work tonight to see a full moon.  Ahhhh, suddenly my evening made sense.  I'm not one for superstitions but having worked much of my life in retail, I have to admit there is something to the claim of the full moon.  People get strange during the full moon.  Drivers are a thousand times more distracted and people in general seem to just lose focus on everything.  Somehow strange things really do happen during the full moon.

My night was insane.  I had a couple of guys who were talking to each other rather loudly and they made a rather racist comment and then a rather crude comment.  I wonder if I looked a bit uncomfortable because all of the sudden the guy who was standing at the register looked at me and said, "Oh, sorry, Dawn.  That was inappropriate.  Earmuffs!"  It was nice of him to apologize.  Sometimes wearing a name tag is not my favorite thing in the world though.

I had a transaction that seriously took over 20 minutes.  This lady was interesting and her transaction just kept getting more and more complicated and frustrating.  Finally the transaction was finished and before my register printed the rental agreement for her to sign, my computer crashed.  I had to pull it back up and reprint her receipts.

I had a guy come in to buy a stuffed animal monkey.  He told me his son's room is decorated in monkeys.  I told him my son loves monkeys too.  Nearly every day he asks if I will by him the monkey at my work yet.  The guy asked how old my son is.  I told him the age of my youngest.  He told me his son is 3 months old.  Making conversation, I asked if the baby was his only child.  Yep.  And he asked me.  Nope, mine is the youngest of 3. 
"You have 3 kids?"
"Yeah, all boys."
"Wow.  How old are you?"
I answered.
"Well dang, you wear it well.  I totally wouldn't have guessed that or that you have THREE kids!"
I'm shallow enough to have reveled in that comment.  But it was still a weird conversation and not one I would have thought would have happened.

I arrived home to find my oldest, who should have been in bed asleep, wide awake.  His toe nail fell off the other day and now his toe is infected.  He was crying and moaning.  His toe was swollen and red and white.  Good times.  It was 11 before I could finally get him back to bed.

I'm exhausted!  It was crazy at work all night.  I didn't sit down once.  I came home to craziness as well.  I'm ready for a good night sleep and the full moon to be gone!

Oh, and this morning I played this word search game that is going around Facebook.  It is supposed to be a psychological type of game that the 1st 3 words you can spot in a word search are the ones that describe you.  You wanna know what I got?  Broken, funny and fat.  Really?  Seriously? Yeah, ready for this day to be over!

hanging in there

My last post was a wretched way to leave my blog for so long.  Sorry about that!  I'm not lying dead in a ditch. I am just so freaking exhausted!  I'm not talking, oh gee I'm starting to feel tired kind of exhausted.  It is not gradual exhaustion but rather "Oh my goodness, I cannot keep my eyes open one more second!" kind of exhaustion.  I've been in bed before 9 nearly every night.  By the time my kids go to bed I'm dragging myself to my bed.  Hence the lack of blogging.

So let me tell you about my last 24 hours.  Last night my eldest man child told me he had a headache.  I didn't think much of it, gave him dinner and thought that would help.  It didn't.  We went to Target as a family and by the time we left my son was nearly in tears because of this headache.  Being the unsympathetic mom that I am, I assumed his headache was from being tired and sent him to bed.  At 12:30 he woke up SCREAMING that his head hurt so badly it woke him up and it hurt to move his head in any capacity, including walking.

Ok, no more unsympathetic mom.  I was actually pretty worried about him.  He's not a headache kid.  He's not one to cry when he doesn't feel good.  Oh yeah, and when he woke up at 12:30 he had a 102.6 fever.  My mamma instincts said it was time to call the doctor.  We ruled out meningitis over the phone, gave him the last of the children's tylenol and set out to make it through a miserable night.

Oh, but my emotions were even higher strung.  Let me tell you about what had happened unbeknownst to the kids.  While at Target I bought pregnancy tests.  On top of the pure exhaustion I have had some other not normal for me things and I am late with no signs at all of starting.  I took test #1.  The line appeared.  But wait, then it disappeared.  Then it reappeared, very faint.  When baby #3 was on the way the line was so faint that it was merely the shadow of where the line might have been so I believe any line even when it looks like a shadow.  While dealing with a sick kiddo, I was wrapping my mind around the possibility of baby #4.

So sick kiddo asks for daddy, and being the wonderful daddy that he is, Hubby stayed up most of the night with the sick kid while I went to bed.  My son didn't fall asleep until nearing 6am.  My husband is AMAZING!  This morning Hubby carried my son into our bed so the brothers wouldn't wake him up.  I laid in my bed next to my son and couldn't fall back asleep because I kept thinking about that positive pregnancy test.  We are not trying for more kids.  Here's how I explain it, if God can create immaculate conception, then He can override my birth control if His plans are different than ours.  I'm open to His plans being different from mine, but I want it to be without a doubt HIS plans for us!

I finally couldn't stay in bed thinking about it for one more second so I got up and took the other pregnancy test.  It was very plainly negative.  No shadows.  No hints of any lines.  No baby.  I breathed a sigh of relief only to realize there was also a sigh of disappointment in there.  Not looking to start over with the baby years and yet the very legitimate possibility of it brought up feelings that you only understand when you have become a mom.

I made my coffee and called the pediatrician.  I took my son in and thankfully it is not meningitis nor is it strep.  But on the downside, it is a virus so there is nothing to do but have him rest, stay well hydrated and take children's ibuprofen.

We are bummed that he is sick.  We have tickets for the family to go ride Thomas the Tank Engine tonight which he and daddy will have to miss.  And tomorrow we are planning to take him to Elitch's with a friend to celebrate his birthday.  The doc said if the fever crosses over 101 again or if the head is still hurting then we would have to reschedule our celebration.  We are praying that the rest will help him enough to be able to go still.

I woke up tired and overwhelmed this morning.  I'm doing much better now but it was a long 24 hours!