I'm trying so hard and I'm so tired. Office lunch hour I must figure out how to do healthily. After 2 days of being able to skip the whole horrible affair, today I tested the waters again. At first it was manageable with the anxiety not being overwhelming. I made sure to sit with the 2 ladies who were in the lunchroom. After all, my job is with a Christian ministry and much of my job revolves around cultivating relationships.
Shortly before my lunch time ended, several other ladies came into the lunchroom. Someone pointed out that everyone had a salad for lunch. I had already finished, but boy was I glad that I had brought salad, wouldn't want anyone to think poorly of me based on my lunch choices. And then it started, fat talk. Diet talk. I'm not good enough just the way I am talk.
"Are you doing THE diet again?" "Yeah, but only for ten days." "I need to do IT again." "You shouldn't do it, you are supposed to be training and you need the extra protein and calories." "I'm just going to do it for swimsuit season and then get back to training." "Yeah, I'm doing it too, I need to lose about 10 more pounds."
The talk was swirling around in my brain and I just wanted to scream "STOP" and run from the room and hide. I guess I had hoped that working in this office, though filled with women, would be different from other places. I thought a place of ministry would be my refuge from the storm of orange inside of me. I so wanted a shelter from the storm, a safe place, a place where orange would be easier to keep at bay.
I guess it turns out that women are women and we all battle this perfect body bullcrap, even in places that should be safe. My anxiety skyrockets just thinking about lunch tomorrow. Do I eat at my desk, like I did on Monday, just to avoid the triggering conversation? Do I keep trying to make friends and build bridges and eat in that lunchroom?
I've had a hard time wanting to eat anyway but I have been putting one foot in front of the other, making myself stay present and in the moment, and making the choice to eat anyway. Everything in my head is screaming at me. I want to say that the voices aren't bothering me, but I'd be lying. The diet talk in the lunchroom has my head spinning. I'm wondering what food games will be played here and wondering how I can minimize their damage to a firm and yet very shaky recovery place.